4th of July
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
The 4th of July is one of several United States holidays created to whip up patriotic American feelings and remind the rest of the world that they better not fuck with us. Also known as Independence Day, it was originally started by a small terrorist gang because they hated the civilized, British way of life, with its incessant tea & crumpets routine, and loose talk about abolishing slavery. Since then, the 4th of July has become an endearingly fetishized annual occasion for parades, picnics, and sex parties, that make the USA the world’s most admired nation. On the 4th of July it is every families duty to purchase as much fireworks as possible and compete with neighbors to see who can put up the better show. This is similar to darwinism in that only the families who can blow more things up in competition are genetically superior.
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[edit] History
For most of the USA's existence, citizens celebrated 4th of July in the same traditional and rather boring ways. Year after year, decade after decade, very little changed in the cuisine, the family activities, and the fireworks display. Children symbolically set fire to toy Indian wigwam villages, and civic leaders and politicians made speeches that brought pride to all American hearts.
Something in the national spirit changed, however, after World War 2. With the influx of the millions of Jews who had escaped the Auschwitz ovens, American culture became much more vulgar and cheapened, filled with coarse language, promiscuity and violence. All of this, of course, had been planned out long ago.
[edit] The bright side
This new coarseness and vulgarity were not necessarily a bad thing. With it came plenty of opportunity for experimenting with drugs and sexuality. As America's foremost holiday, the 4th of July began to personify the country's new outlook and approach to all kinds of strange and risky behavior. For example, shooting fireworks out of one's ass on 4th of July became a very popular kind of stunt among teenagers. Wild, patriotic orgies became the holiday norm for young adults, while the older set drank themselves into the familiar alcoholic stupor or rage.
[edit] The future of 4th of July
Most people agree that 4th of July is much more interesting and fun now than it was in years gone by, and while there is still some danger of Cinco de Mayo freaks and criminals overwhelming the nation, it seems reasonably certain that the party, in this case, is just going to get crazier.
[edit] See also
- George Washington
- Che Guevara
- United States
- England
- Philadelphia
- American army
- Hookers and blow
- Ceiling cat
- Common knowledge
[edit] Gallery of Patriotism
 The country's Dad |
 Part of the 20th century Jewish campaign to discredit America |
 Three pillars of USA: Sex, Drugs and Rock'n'Roll |
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 Patriotic fervor |
 Ben Franklin founded a chain of convenience stores that still thrive today. |
 Tough times, but excellent manners |
 Rockin' my wooden dentures, boyee... |
 Fear not, for soon we will establish Toronto |
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