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7-11
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Contents |
[edit] The Truedom of 7-11
The day was much like any other, a crisp and warm day. It was the eleventh of July, a day of infamy. It was on this day that freedom hating Canadians snuck across the borders into the heartland of America, the 7-11 headquarters corporation. Once they infiltrated the corporation with their adorable "Aboot's" and "eh's", five of the terrorists entered the employee only bathrooms, defecated and did not FLUSH. That day will never be forgotten but always remembered. There is no amount of crying eagles juxtaposed with American flags that can express the remembering that I will have for the tragic and uniting day of 7-11.
[edit] Hell of Snacking
7-11 provides a reason to live for a certain demographic of America, primarily because they're open 24 hours, (snack attacks wear no watches!) and their rule that everything they sell, even magazines, must be at least seventy-three percent sugar by volume. Diabetics have been known to literally die of coma from simply entering a 7-11 due to a special mechanism that mixes aerated sugar into the air conditioning system.
[edit] Chips & Salsa
Most popular snack food type nourishment, ironically making it the anorexic of the snacking foods. Usually consumed by the fat and thinnky alike, it is a scrumptious, salty accomplishment. Probably mostly the only thing humanity should be proud of. Rumors tell that 7-11 sells only medium level salsas. This is super-wrong because rumors also tell that Indian exclusively work these wonderful 7-11's and Indian people make foods so spicy that the actual digestive process of the spiciest Indian foods is like having a meth lab in your visceral bowels.
[edit] Fruit Pies Kill Crime, (but it's okay)
Hostess fruit pies are easily available in 7-11's around the country. Their light, flaky crusts and tender fruit fillings are not only capable of satisfying even the pickiest Warcraft fan's hunger, but also useful in stopping criminals in their tracks. Why 7-11's are constantly robbed when there are Hostess fruit pies to throw at criminals? Because it takes the super intellect of both the Batcomputer and Batman to understand that none can resist the thick, drywall-like texture of Hostess Fruit Pies. Fun Fact: only three million Hostess Fruit Pies were actually manufactured in the 1950's. All the Pies that remain are legally antiques.
Also popular are Hostess Twinkies, which are not nearly as effective in stopping crime. This is due to the intense imitation cowboy-ness of Twink the Kid. Also the remarkable gayness of the name 'Twink' may have something to do with it. I don't have the science right now, but give me a minute to make some bar graphs...
[edit] Horrible Greasy Hot Dogs kill crime, (it's not okay)
Upton Sinclair wrote of the meatpacking industry at least 100 years ago. He wrote of the entrails, anuses, fingers, toes, gall bladders and etc. of the slaughtered animals that were promptly swept up, compressed and rolled out into delicious hot dogs. This practice allegedly is very illegal now, but no one seems to have told the 7-11 staff. Metal rollers rotate these horrible tubes of agony, baking in their own slick, yellow hot dog sweat. A pale, hospital-colored incubation light beats down on the rolling dogs. Honest to God I actually walked into a Seven-Eleven once at like four AM. The two guys working were crowded over the hot dog contraption. When I asked if the Slurpee machine was functioning, they both shushed me and whispered, "They're hatching." Never been in a 7-11 since.
[edit] Slurpees, the other icy meat
Amazing, in a single word. In fact, many breatharians live on slurpees and air alone! However, the terrible icyness of slurpees can literally kill. Just read the papers you ignorant clowns. (Cough)
Anyhow, Slurpees are actual relics of a better day. The process of Slurpee making is still the same process used in the ancient land of 7-11ia. First, a tiny child is employed in the shaving of a massive ice lump in the crawlspace beneath the store. After a four years of labor, if moar than four of the child's fingers still remain, it is let go and turned loose. Most ice children are blind and afflicted with gout, so their lifespan outside of the 7-11 basement is about thirty minutes.
After enough ice is collected, young virgins gather berries, fruits, cola plants and aspartame with naked hands in baskets woven on the winter solstice by blind Asians. The bounty is ground upon a mortar and pestle, after which it is mixed with gloved hands by said virgins. Then they slide it over to an old man with a hook hand and a third eye in the middle of his forehead. He spins the icy materials while calibrating the deliciousness. If it is unsatisfactory, the process is redone, much to the bane of the ice children. Don't worry, they'll be dead soon.
[edit] Weekly World News
Technically not a food, regardless of the deliciousness of newsprint, the Weekly World News is the number one source of tracking one of the nation's greatest heroes, Bat Boy. Mainstream papers have got nothing on the stories of Hogzilla, America's gayest superhero, and roller coasters that literally take its unlucky riders to Hell. The liberal media is too scared to cover such stories.
[edit] Rape
Oh, don't worry, it's mostly statutory. Honestly, this is a total story a female friend once told me years ago. She was at a 7-11 after a softball game to get celebratory Slurpees with her father. The 7-11ian said to her father, "Sir, your daughter is beautiful." Then he gave her a chocolate covered cherry, and was all, "She's just so beautiful, very very beautiful." She went to the car to avoid being raped.
