Gun
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| —Anonymous |
Weapons are all over the Internet. And with hordes of avid male admirers, plus an endless variety of death dealing devices, it's almost certain that you can eventually hit the right buttons OL to make people fire their hot loads. The same is true for firearms; the Internet has a huge guns, weapons and military related subculture, with numerous websites catering for all preferences. Some are filled to the brim with 16 year olds that don't have a fucking clue and generally just spout the latest bullshit from Future Weapons, or the weapons menu on Counter-Strike. Regardless of the intended audience, there are many common themes that bind it all into a gigantic clusterfuck of bad will and malignant intent. Below is your guide to this delightful phenomenon.
Contents |
[edit] The Way of the Gun
Guns were made by Jesus Christ after realizing his favorite country, the United States, needed something to spread the gospel to savages. Jesus himself invented the first gun, and is armed with the power of Christianity, and a factory of Indian sweatshop workers, to bring peace and justice to the free world, by ridding us of the lesser races.
[edit] Choose your weapon
[edit] Rifles
[edit] M16 Series Rifle
The M16 is the iconic weapon of the red-blooded American race. If you carry that piece you are out on a holy crusade to end the lives of all communists, democrats, Muslims, and the occasional Catholic, cause we all know those Mary-worshipers have it coming.
During development, the rifle was picked up by the US Army which was struggling because potheads, the primary demographic for recruitment in the 60s, couldn't handle the pornstar recoil of the M14. The M16A1 model helped resolve that problem by introducing a rifle that wouldn't fire at all. Ironically the majority of people who got owned because of this were darkie conscripts, as the original rifle's purpose was reducing the negroid race's population.
If you mention the M16 on most gun boards or forums, entire waves of 13 year old boys, jerking off violently to their Counterstrike kill records and inflated sense of gun knowledge, will scream at you in all caps. They will tell you to do things with your cat's anal cavity and an M16 rifle. But, don't listen to them, as anal fluid of cats are corrosive and will damage the finish on a rifle's flash suppressor.
[edit] M14 Rifle
Before the sweet-sixteen there was the the M14, a beastly pure-bred American piece made of wood, iron, and brass. Also cocks. If you don't mind the fact it kicks like a date-rape scene gone wrong then you can't go wrong with its 7.62x51mm NATO truck stopping power. If a sand mexican is having himself a little pow-wow with roasted marshmallows and sing-alongs behind that reinforced sandbag teepee, and your 5.56x45mm NATO ain't cutting it, never fear! Your M-14 will punch right through that sandwiched dirt and give Haji a splintering sensation of our constitutional right to kick ass and take names, even if their names are written in squiggly lines. Just don't mistake it for a machine gun.
Like the climax of every Disney sports movie, the M14 has made a sudden comeback. With the rise of anabolic steroids and a need to spread democracy at ranges exceeding 400 metersr, the M-14 has met a revival for the great lulz fests in Afghanistan and Iraq. With generations of retards raised on counterstrike. and a whole desert full of people in need of some white hot yard democracy, the future for this once forgotten rifle looks brighter than ever!
[edit] M82
Also known as: THE BIGGEST FUCKING GUN EVAR! (That is, if you don't know about the NTW-20 yet). The M82 Chambers a massive ass .50BMG round, and is over 9 times moar powerful than the M16 (RLY). Headshot with M82 = Red mist+brain pudding. The M82 is so fucking expensive that Niggers can't afford it, that's why it isn't IRL permibanned YET.
[edit] Pistols
[edit] Colt Model 1911A1
This emblem of America in carbon steel brought the USA into the 20th Century as the greatest nation on the planet, by killing Islamo-gook fascists in the Philippines by the tribe-load. Those Jihado-faggots thought they were pretty tough, until they met .45 of an inch in righteous hot-lead to the motherfucking sternum. 9mm? America doesn't speak metric, faggot. USA! USA! USA!.
Well, that's what most gun-nuts (as in testicles) will say about it. The pistol is a legend in the USA due to its long service with the military (about 70 years). And given that no one else in the world is allowed to own weapons, this leads it being the most talked about pistol on the webz0rz. Its reputation for accuracy stems mainly for it being bought and riced up for use as IPSC race-guns rather than any inherent virtue in the design itself. Truth be known, the original service pistol was just a big, heavy, single-action motherfucker that was no more accurate than any other pistol of the time, and was only notable for being the first pistol chambered in the gigantic .45 Automatic Colt Pistol round (ACP). But you spend $2000 on after-market parts and you can do anything.
[edit] .357 Magnum - BOOM! Headshot
Once you have returned home from killing the entire Viet Kong army, you have become the Pennsylvania state treasurer. You receive bribes and give your friends exclusive million dollar contracts as well as receiving $300,000 kickbacks. When you fuck it up and get convicted; facing 55 years imprisonment, you end it all by blowing your brains out with this baby in front of a live televised press conference. If you want to dramatically kill some one, make sure to shoot him in the lungs closer to the arm to let him live at least a few seconds more (according to wikipedia you feel like "struck by lightning" when shoot at. then let him crawl a little, then shoot him in the heart.
[edit] 10mm Auto
Ownage in the palm of your hand. Packing the power of a .357 into a frame the size of a .45 with the ammo capacity of a 9mm, the 10mm Auto was released to much fanfare of it's awesomeness. Well, no it wasn't. Actually, nobody cared.
The FBI adopted it briefly before crying that the recoil hurt their wrists, which were sore after they got done 'researching' all those CP websites. Smith & Wesson obliged by creating the .40S&W, which is believed to stand for either "Smith & Wesson", "Shitty & Weak" or the widely accepted "Shoop & Woop".
[edit] Assault Rifles and SMGs
[edit] AK-47
Designed to be easily used by poorly trained conscripts, the AK-47 was spread throughout the world by Stalinism and the Soviet Union's lack of interest in copyrights. the rifle is simple in construction and fairly robust, using a gas-piston made to looser tolerances than any other gas-piston rifle out there. It has great popularity amongst, well, Russias, and guys that want to spree-kill their neighbors. Most that you'll come across in real life are Chinese or Eastern European knock-offs, actual Russian models being rare.
AK-47 vs. M16 threads are woefully common in any weapons-related forum. The usual crap of accuracy vs. reliability is rehashed and fucked up for yet another innings. On many websites, Military Photos and AR-15.net notably, this kind of crap will get you raped by the administrators. You deserve it, you little bastard.
[edit] HK MP5 - spray 'n pray
So you decided to use one of these guns on this to create a lulz fest at your local school and/or place of employment, and now you're wondering what's the fuzz is going to be thrown at you when you get to the final level of the game. Five out of five times, when you've got yourself a good score going and you live in an urban area, the swat bunnies will be plugging your socially mis-adjusted body with the HK MP5. Don't despair, the HK MP5 is the perfect firearm to get mowed down by on national TV. It was also the first closed bolt submachine gun with fine Nazi precision pedigree, so you can be assured that you are going out in style. The 9mm ammunition means that you won't die too quickly so you can have that dramatic last stand, just like Scarface! Bonus points if you get killed by a beaner wearing shades, from behind, with a shotgun while you're firing your weapon of choice dramatically in the air, as the cops riddle your body with US government lead.
[edit] Uzi
The Uzi (Jewspeak: עוזי) was invented solely to rape sand nigger babies. It's based on the Czechoslovakian series 23 to 26 submachine guns, and is further proof that Jews steal everything. Every American should have two. You have two hands, after all, right? Ironically, it's the preferred weapon of neo-Nazis and skinheads.
[edit] Vulcan Cannon/ Minigun/ Gatling gun
Not so mini after all! So you want a school shooting with a difference? The 6-barrelled Vulcan can fire 6000 bullets a minute. Bye bye school, jocks, nerds, whores, and emos.
The Vulcan Cannon, or its little brother, the Minigun, come in a variety of different flavors, not unlike slurpees, or condoms. Starting with the biggest, baddest motherfucker of all, is the GAU-8 Avenger, a 30mm precision engineered lead-breathing dragon mounted on the A-10 Warthog that fires Depleted Uranium rounds the size of wine bottles.
A somewhat smaller version is the M61 Vulcan, capable of firing 20mm armor-piercing rounds that will blast Russkie jets out of the sky when all the missiles are used up. Smaller still, is the General Electric M134, known commonly as the "Minigun." This 7.62mm beast was first used in the skies over Vietnam to spread freedom and democracy to the gooks, either as a door gun on the UH-60 Blackhawk, or as a offensive weapon on the versatile MH-6 "Little Bird". The M134 also comes in 5.56mm, if you're too pussy to handle the recoil.
But if you want to kick it old school, look no further than the O.G. Gatling Gun, invented by Dr. Richard Jordan Gatling at least 100 years ago, when Amerrcuh was waging war within its own borders. This old warhorse didn't have your fancy electric drive motors. No, you put elbow grease into this antique, as you had to cranked the thing to shoot it. If you can find enough of the obsolete .58 caliber rimfire cartridges to fill the hopper of this old-timer, start cranking away like a mad organ grinder as you royally fuck up someone's day.
[edit] Other
[edit] Flamethrower
The closest you can actually come to playing Satan. Strap on 2 scuba tanks full of napalm and rain firey death on gooks. Just be careful not to use it on a really windy day or you'll involuntarily an hero yourself.
[edit] Bazooka
Will ruin everything from goths to teenagers to the entire local mall in a glorious explosion of win. A favorite of Counter-Strike O.G.s. They don't like dat shit one-two bit. Only refers to the bazzoka itself, the rest are called recoiless rifles, asshole.
[edit] The Golden Gun
Kills with one bullet. This is partly due to the little known toxicity of gold. When using the golden gun IRL, be sure to memorize all the respawn points, and use it on your enemies before they can fight back.
[edit] The NRA
Formed in 1871 along with the KKK, the NRA was established to give White racists, gun-loving soccer moms, confederate-flag hangover-having rednecks and master debaters the ability to focus their God-given talents on something much more important: shooting fgts, Muslims and 50 cent. The most noted savior of the NRA was Charlton Heston, who proved that the best reason for us to have guns is to defend ourselves from damn dirty apes terrorists. This group holds that guns are good, and totally ignores studies done by pussy,pinko, bleeding-heart pseudo-sciences, like "psychology," "sociology," and "political science". The NRA is always doing its duty saving us from the tyrannical grip of people who support gun control, like that godawful boring Noam Chomsky. Oddly enough, many liberals have begun to join the ranks of the NRA, for fear that gun control may render them defenseless against their crazy-ass redneck neighbors.
[edit] Gun vs. Sword
Guns have replaced this archaic simpleton sword as the killing device of choice for a good many reasons, the least of which is the gun's superior awesome. There is a lot of misconceptions regarding this change out there, so we at ED will take this opportunity to clear things up:
- Myth: Swords are more honorable than guns, case-in-point, Ninjas, Samurai, and Jedi used swords instead of guns.
- Myth: You can block bullets with your sword if you are skilled enough.
- FACT: You cannot block bullets with your sword. If you are skilled enough to do so, go out and prove it.
- Myth: You don't have to reload a sword, therefore you can use it forever.
- FACT: You must constantly wipe your sword clean of blood and sharpen it, otherwise it will chip and rust away, and then you will have to find your local smithey to forge you a new one. Or you can save up your lunch money and buy another sword off eBay instead of buying that new manga you've been fapping over.
- Myth: Guns are cowardly because you can kill people from far away; swords are the only weapons that take real skill to use.
- Myth: You can run up to a guy with a gun real fast and slice him with your sword before he even gets his gun out.
[edit] Famous Gun Enthusiasts
- Jesus
- Cho Seung-Hui
- Mitch Henderson
- Charlton Heston
- Eric Harris
- Dylan Klebold
- The Supreme Court, as of last Thursday
- Budd Dwyer
- Trey Burba
- Robert Hawkins
[edit] Why guns are cool
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[edit] Gallery
 Animal Mother, American Hero |
 Italians love their air guns. |
 Use for rounds after the war is over |
 Matrix fanbois like guns, but are to weakly to hold them for than 5 minutes at a time. |
 Oh, sexy. |
 C4mp3r fg7. |
 This works with pretty much anything IRL too. |
 Guns can also be a means to fail epically |
 Gimme yo pokemans foo' |
[edit] See also
- Gun control
- Gallery of Jesus with Guns
- Bazooka
- Tazer
- IMMA CHARGIN MAH LAZER
- Glocktalk
- Headshot
- Shotgun Mouthwash
