AOL
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Stands for "American Offline," and is sometimes referred to as "AOHell", "gAyOL", or "my shitty internets." One of the last surviving online services from the pre-home internet days. It originally offered an entire online system with limited internet access. Today it offers banal, mainstream content for an exorbitant fee and few useful features. It creates a warm, fuzzy, safe-feeling environment for those who fear being on the internets alone.
Almost all AOL users are old fucks who haven't yet realized that AOL hasn't been relevant for over a decade. AOL is now predominantly known as the ISP of soccer moms and a veritable myriad of other people with no internet savvy. It is also the largest ISP in the world.What the fuck are you talking about? noone fucking uses this shit!!
An irony about AOL is its creation and ownership of the AOL Instant Messenger system which is heavily used by many people who have a vehement hatred for AOL the ISP, but don't hesitate to use the AOL IM feature as it is so ubiquitous amongst internet users that there is almost no escaping it. In other words, you hate AIM but have to use it because all of your friends are too stupid to use anything better. Also, AIM is guaranteed to make your computer 100% slower.
When AOL is referred to as an ISP, this is somewhat incorrect, AOL is actually considered a "content provider" as opposed to an Internet access provider. This is due to the fact that you must read at least a nominal part of AOL content before being given access to the raw Internet. But no one gives a shit.
AOL will never stop billing your credit card. Never.
AOL was once the world's only source of 3.5" floppy disks. When they went to CD for distribution, they went out of business.
Contents |
AOL and Old People
97.44% of AOL users are over the age of 68. The reason for this is because they have no clue about real isp's and thus are only able to rely on free AOL CDs and rip-off service charges. What's more, over-68's that have never used a computer before are the only people AOL can persuade to install their shitty browser that makes your computer run so slow it thinks its got AIDS. Anyone with a brain and more than twenty minutes of experience with the interwebs knows that joining AOL is on par with suicide. I REPEAT, NOONE USES THIS SHIT!!!
AOL has many functions that your parents will never be able to comprehend, so when visiting them, make use of that fact. There are 2 simple steps to follow to confuse and scare your parents:
- Wait until they get up to do something.
- Go here.
When they come back, they won't have a clue as what to do next. If noone else is around, you can make use of this time to steal their money and leave.
AOL CDs
Back in the day when AOL was the predominant Dial-up host, they offered these wonderful CDs to everyone. People soon found that these round plastic disks offered more fun than AOL could ever offer. Below are some usages of the disks that anyone living in the United States is bound to have laying around:
- Coasters
- Frisbee
- Fly Swatter
- Ninja Stars
- Target Practice with Pellet guns
- Monster Rancher monsters
- Hood / rear-view mirror ornaments
- Inserting into anal passages
- Decapitating pigeons
- A castration device
- Leveling furniture
- Pooper scooper
- The next Boston bomb scare
- Pizza cutters
- Microwave electric light show
- Pizza Cutter
...and Many more!
So you got the sack?
At the start of August 06' after a frankly hilarious drop of about 16 million (lol, 50%) of the used since AOL's plateau last Thursday, their huge fetid cock swung into action cutting 5,000 jobs worldwide while mumbling about its move from service provider to go and powder its nose. On 4th August foul noises were heard coming from the corner office at AOHell HQ, most people believe this was the sound of Jonathan Miller (CEO) sucking Satan's cock, Amen. Concurrently, on a lower floor at the same location and at the exact same time a grateful soon-to-be ex employee was about to release the results of 500,000 AOL user searches in to the wild, amen again. Much lulz ensued after some geeks actually trawled the ten 200 MB .tex files and posted the most interesting finds around the internets. These go from the desperate, to the fully insane, typifying most AOL'ers mental states. Also AOL are now to offer free domain names to anyone that wants one. So they can now be the proud owner of the one you find and squat. AOLism, you're not alone.
AOL as a great tool for vandalism
AOL's system of changing IP addresses guarantees that if a wiki bans one person, they ban a lot. Also since your IP changes all the time, you can't be tracked down by your IP. Willy on Wheels used this to his advantage in vandalism.
AOL is now free
Goodbye AOL CDs. As of last Thursday, AOL has decided to offer its service free of charge to users who already have a high speed internet connection. Those still on dial-up will continue to pay a fee to use the AOL service. However, subscribers to the "AOL for Broadband" service, where you bring your own high-speed internet connection to the party, will no longer have to pay subscription fees. This will result in a projected 2 billion dollar loss in revenue for the company and will hopefully lead to their demise.
AOL will also not continue to offer their customer support to these customers, eliminating their iron fisted TOS system and giving noobs and 16 year old girls everywhere a chance to really express themselves with talk of dead babies and use of the words fuck and ass. This change in policy will of course also crush the soul of your mom, taking away her ability to stick it to the man by stealing paid services from AOL using fake names and credit cards.
Of course, no one cares because everyone who uses AOL is a furry. Fuck AOL.
AOL Speak
You're supposed to talk in all caps if you use AOL. It's part of their TOS. All users of AOL are 12 year old l337 wannabees. This is FACT. Take this article for example, rendered in AOL:
Need Moar?
Here is something that's supposed to be smart, turned into gAyOL talk.
DA GRANDFATHAR PARADOX SI A PROPOSAD PARADOX OF TIEM TRAEVL FIRST DASCRIEBD BY DA SCEINCE FICTION WRIETR R3NÉ BARJAEVL IN HIS 1943 BOK LE VOYAEGUR IMPRUDENT (TH3 IMPRUDENT TRAEVL3R)[1]!!!!1 WTF LOL DA PARADOX SI THIS SUPOSE A MAN TRAEVL3D BAK IN TIEM AND KIL3D HIS BIOLOGICAL GRANDFATH3R BFOR3 TEH LATAR MAT DA TRAEVL3RS GRANDMOTHER!11!11 WTF AS A RASULT ONE OF TEH TRAEVLERS PAERNTS (AND BY AXT3NSION TEH TRAEVLER HIMS3LF) WUD N3V3R HAEV B3N CONC3IEVD!!1!11! OMG THES WUD IMPLEY TAHT H3 CUD NOT HAEV TRAEVLED BAK IN TIEM AFT3R AL WHICH IN TURN IMPLEIS DA GRANDFATH3R WUD STIL B ALIEV AND TEH TRAEVLAR WUD HAEV B3N CONCEIEVD ALOWNG HIM 2 TRAEVL BAK IN TIEM AND KIL HIS GRANDFATHER!!!!!11 OMG THUS EACH POSIBILITY SEMS 2 IMPLEY ITS OWN NEGATION A TYPA OF LOGICAL PARADOX
AN!!11!!! LOL AQUIVAELNT PARADOX SI KNOWN (IN PHILOSOPHY) AS AU2INFANTICIED—TAHT IS GONG BAK IN TIEM AND KILNG ONES3LF AS A BABY—THOUGH WHEN TEH WORD WAS FIRST COIEND IN A PAEPR BY PAUL HORWICH HA UESD TEH OD V3RSION AU2FANTICIED[2]
TH3!!11!!1 LOL GRANDFATHAR PARADOX HAS B3N UESD 2 ARGUE TAHT BAKWARDS TIEM TRAEVL MUST B IMPOSIBL3!111!!!1 OMG HOWEVER A NUMBR OF POSIBLE WAYS OF AVOIDNG TEH PARADOX HAEV BEN PROPOSED SUCH AS TEH IEDA TAHT DA TIEMLIEN SI FIEXD AND UNCHANGAABLE OR TEH IEDA TAHT TEH TIEM TRAEVLER WIL 3ND UP IN A PARALAL TIEMLIEN WHIEL DA TIEMLIEN IN WHICH DA TRAEVLER WAS BORN REMANES INDEPEND3NT !1!!1!1 WTF LOL
TL;DR Use this tool to generate retard-speak.
External links
- Person tries to cancel AOL and AOL won't let him - read this before the second link
- Why AOL won't let you cancel - includes AOL's Secret "AOL Retention Manual."
- A tool to give insight in to the mind of AOL
