Tom Newton
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Anonymous Hate Group (or it's full title ANONYMOUS is a Hate-Portal Connecting Youth With Anti-Religion Extremists) is one of the most impressive concentrations of fail and incompetence ever to grace our miserable lives. Tasked by his reptilian masters to make Protestfags and anywhere they gather look as bad as possible, Reverend Jacob K. Reist was faced with the most insurmountable challenge:
SAY THAT ANONYMOUS AND ENCYCLOPEDIA DRAMATICA ARE MEAN, AND GIVE EXAMPLES.
Even when confronted with the trolling equivalent of a barn door at broadside, however, Tom is unable to put a paragraph together without blustering, fabricating or contradicting himself mid-thought - and the shit he comes out with is still not even in the same neighborhood as some of Anon's great doings.
In short, he combines the worst BAWWWWW of the Chanology with the shittiest internet tough guy act in the special class.
Contents |
Acquitted for raping a 13 year old? Hammertime.
Let's first take a step back and review Tom's mission statement. All he has to do is point out that Anon makes racist jokes and trolls people. Not only does he miss the open goal, though, he actually breaks his neck by kicking himself in the back of the head. Let's have a look Anon's day-to-day life, compared to what Tommy considers to be "Black PR."
| REAL ANON | TOM'S IMAGINARY ANON LITE |
| Anon ruined a young girl's life by sending her noodz to everyone in her school, including her principal | Anonymous doesn't care about free speech! |
| Evidence of Pedobear at work: 12chan | Evidence of Pedobear at work: One picture of ENG's girlfriend, fully clothed on ED. |
| Anon turned Alex Wuori into a gibbering mess of dogs and curtains | "Anonymous are not as serious, nor as informed, as they pretend to be." |
| Victims of Anon: Megan Had It Coming, Sweet Eva, GoddessMine | Victims of Anon: KawaiiNekoGirl, LaraLove, Sue_Scheff (actually the ONLY examples he gives of "Libeling" on his websites) |
| Anon drove Chris-chan to suicide. * | Anonymous are PROFESSIONAL ANTI-SCIENTOLOGISTS. |
Clearly, Anonymous is a hardcore hate criminal in Tom's fairytale mind. Stay tuned for his next EX POE SAY of the internet hate syndicate where he outs Anons for returning library books late, dressing dorky, and living in their Mom's basement.
Joking aside, however, the question of just why Newton finds it so difficult to make Anon look bad is something that has baffled the critics for the best part of 2008. One reason might be that as a Placentafag, he is forbidden from actually reading the internet. This idea is borne out by his brave and selfless sally into enemy territory, to which he gave the grandiose title "MY EXPERIENCE AT AN ANONYMOUS MEETING SITE."
4chan? 420chan? God Hates Fags? No, 8chan. An abortion with fifteen to twenty members posting there because they were too socially inept even for Thunderdome.
Tom manages to thread together a record five sentences ranting about Anon's "Seriously wrong" commitment to guro and teh prons, then as an example of the EXTREME CONTENT available provides the masterpiece seen here.
Tom's Heroin Habit
Recent trolling failures have included:
Deliberately failing to understand jokes and satire aimed at twelve-year-olds.
Maintaining cognitive dissonance in insisting that Jewish and black anons are vile racists, yet maintaining typical scilon homophobia when attacking gay critics of Scientology.
Poor impersonations of whack-job OGs like Fredric Rice, wherein Tom feigns dismay that nobody was interested in his counterfeit copy of Rice's blog, which was was just as moonbat crazy and boring as the original...except for the child porn. Yeah, he's THAT stupid.
Accusing a defunct, non-English speaking Swedish cultural group of secretly organizing Chanology via time machine and hypnotic mind control.
Accusing a female commentator of being Tory Magoo's would-be rapist in the Thunderdome a year prior, based on his amazing powers of Google-fu.
Accusing Anons of being both anti-furry bigots and furries, at the *same time.*
Doxing Anons and innocent bystanders while bawwing about his own dox getting dropped.
Haha, B& from Twitter!
Forgetting to delete his own atheist rants before accusing anons of religious bigotry.
Admitted to be the animal killer who poisoned Mudkips (the cat of Sean Carasov).
Admitted to be the poisoner of "T-Rex," the dog of Boris Korczak
Had an opiate addiction which consumed the years 2004-2007.
Letting his "Jacobkreist.com" domain lapse, now owned by anons. Oops.
Posting copypasta testimony on a manufactured blog claiming to be a victim of Scientology. This attempt to prove the gullibility of anons was uncovered in less than 45 minutes.
Jacob K Reist, Child-Rapist At Large
Tom Newton, just another web persona appropriated by "Tom Newton," aka "Reverend_Jacob_K._Reist," aka Jacob Arturo Vigil. Jacob, a failed artist with a Scilon mommmy, tried and failed hard at some IRL trolling. What likely began as a continuation of this trolling became a full-blown obsession, with posts getting crazier and crazier.
Due to Anon's infamously short attention span, he got away with numerous major mistakes. First, leaving his ecrater, cafepress, Amazon affiliate, and Paypal accounts under the "Jacob K Reist" name. A quick tour of Jacobkreist.com's internet archive entry shows those same accounts. Jacob's since abandoned the website and his long-running Yahoo group to pursue his non-paying troll career.
Additionally, Tom's ip address almost invariably emanates from the radius surrounding Jabob Vigil's Abuquerque home.
Although doing his best to cover his tracks by removing those accounts and his sorry Failbook page, the cat is irretrievably out of the bag, due to numerous archives Jacob just can't remove. Sorry attempts at cover-up include pointing the finger at sad sacks like Barbera, insisting "Tom Newton" is an invincible army of OSA hackers, and dropping the ips of Russian spammers on 888-chan.
Although he has been acquitted for rape, he's still a registered sex offender in New Mexico. He works at a cafe in Albuquerque called the "Flying Star" on Menaul Blvd. Someone should notify his boss......
RETREAT
During the month of July, 2008, the OT 3 course materials were posted in the "comments" area of the blog. Tom's overlords decided to call him in to discuss some potential future projects, and for three weeks, no further posts were added.
After three painful weeks devoid of lulz a new "Tom Newton" was found/hired/grown in a Sontaran clone vat, and was posting moar hysterical drivel about Anons "Harassing" people. Dear me! Harassment! Let's hope he doesn't call us "Scallywags" or "Ruffians" next guise!
Unlike his predecessor, the new "Tom Newton" possesses a markedly better grasp of the English language. His spelling and punctuation skills have similarly improved. The new "Tom Newton" also writes with a far more confrontational and aggressive style, but rather than adding any gravitas to his writings, it just makes him look like a crack-addled drama whore.
Real Dox This Time Guise? (Answer: Nope)
From alt.usenet.kooks:
Alan Connor is severely mentally ill and can't keep a job. I received emails from former coworkers who said that Alan was fired because he was caught trashing a company bathroom and smearing feces on the walls. This company is an Internet provider which explains why we couldn't kick him off USENET earlier. Basically, people who play with their poop and destroy things were sexually abused as children. This is the source of Alan's psychosis. He must live with his parents now. After the failure of his Spam Filtering software he has modified it to flood USENET with artificially unintelligent automated responses in order to first harass the Linux open source community that spurned his craziness -- and then to attack The Church of $cientology. But Alan didn't stop there. He uses his Spam Flooding software to harass all religious groups on forums, blogs and newsgroups to this day. He is the most prolific troll in USENET history because of his severe chemical imbalances. He wants to be the most prolific troll on the web as well but he gets banned only after a few posts everywhere. Alan deserves no trolling award because all he does is cut and paste. There is very little originality in his trolling. He does deserve the kook award. He should be in the USENET Kook Hall-of-Shame! A few of Alan Connor's 80+ Aliases Bruce Burhans(2001) Farley Benn(2002) Tom Littlefoot(2003) David I. Raines(2004) Alexander Mulligan(2005) Tom Newton(2007) Sidney Lambe(2008)
Gallery
 Tom hacked with Pain Series, round 1 |
 ...and round 2 |
 Jacob tries another cult |
 AIDS? |
PACK UP YOUR SHIT - ED "REPORTED!"
As can be seen from the breaking news story pictured here, Encyclopedia Dramatica has been "Reported" for the "Welcome To 7chan" image. Wait, can he be talking about this image? He can't mean this image, because we just heard that this image has been reported! Hang on a minute, let me call my mom. There, this image has been reported again! Wait, wait, here comes my cat. BANG! REPORTED!
This is, of course, the work of Newton's two splinter blogs. One is dedicated to canonizing the notion of "EVIDENCE OF PEDOPHILIA FOUND WITHIN ANONYMOUS" (yeah, he must have been Sherlock fucking Holmes to figure that one out). Once again, however, charged with the insurmountable quest of finding an Anon posting CP, he devotes an entire website to two pictures of fully-clothed children in non-sexual situations found on ED.
The other blog, humorously entitled "The Internet Vs Encyclopedia Dramatica", encourage any who has been libeled by ED to write in. As for the matter of whether he will actually provide the funds for them to launch a case against it, no information is available. Suffice it to say that the smart money is not riding on "The Internet."
It also implies that ED is in cahoots with the YouTube Yahweh Clan. LOL.
See Also
External Links
- The new site
- The old site
- "Let's Sue ED" site (PROTIP: ED has never, ever been sued for anything)
- "ED Is Teh CP" site
- NEW FOR 2009: Anonymous Hate Group YouTube channel! (Deletes all comments which mention the name "Tom Newton")(terminated)
- New YouTube Channel(Pretending to be a certain anonymous user, typical Tom foggotry)
- Dox Thread
