Apple
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Apple's claim to fame is that they invented the PC even though it was actually invented by the CTC . Apple is also known as the one company that had to be paid by Microsoft to stay in business. Led by all-star douchebag Steve Jobs, Apple is the favorite high-tech company of "artistes" everywhere. This is because people believe Apple makes awesome computers that off-set their exorbitant price by becoming obsolete only once every thursday. The truth is, they are merely victims of the Reality Distortion Field. While Apple may have done some neat things in the past, they are now just a music company.
Also, you should consider the fact that Apple produces almost none of their own hardware.Hence, common argument "Apple's hardware is teh bestest!!111" is pretty much bullshit. You can buy almost all of the components of Mac elsewhere. NOT ANYMORE LOL, THEY COULDN'T COMPETE WITH THE PC'S AND HAD TO LEAVE THE BUSINESS A FEW YEARS AGO. MACS ARE PC'S NOW.
Mac users were once the most annoying computer fans on the planet. Now they are the second most annoying, just slightly after Linux users. They are continuously bragging about how easy a one-button mouse is, how great the benefits of the "genie" effect are, and act like BSD was just invented. Unfortunately, if you want to be famous, you have to be a Mac user.
Apple has borne an unearthly hatred for Microsoft ever since being marooned on Ceti Alpha V, but Bill Gates still does not mind raking in the cash from all those Microsoft Office sales. People who claim to like Mac computers can typically be found wearing Insane Clown Posse t-shirts.
According to a survey taken in early 2000, Apple had sold a total of 315 Macs to customers on two continents. However, with Apple's recent success, these figures have seen a great increase. A moar recent study shows that Apple now has 908 owners on 3 continents, all of which are female college students, gay hipsters, or old people with poor eyesight who mistook a MacBook for a lime-green George Foreman Grill. This leaves Apple only slightly behind Microsoft's user base of 4.6 billion (mostly non-retarded) customers.
In June 2005, seven PowerPC fans gathered in Cupertino, California in order to collectively slit their wrists. This was meant to protest Apple's move to Intel, but instead provided welcome industrial dye for the new U2-endorsed, strawberry-flavored Mac Mini.
Rumor Fact has it that after being questioned about Apple's move to Intel, Steve Jobs answered "I did it for the lulz".
Apple's corporate slogan is "Fuck Differently."
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Apple Users
| — Tyler Pittman, ED Mailing List. |
| —Reliable source |
Apple users believe that they are better than you are, but what they don't know is that Macs were originally (and are still today) made purely for watching gay porn. People who subscribe to Apple's corporate philosophy often espouse the notion that Apple products are somehow inherently more liberal than other things built out of metal and silicon. While this is true for the special case of Ann Coulter, Apple users are in all other cases simply the delusional but willing victims of trendy advertising, which makes expensive computers made by fascists appear to be a counter-culture political statement. Apple users are simply fucktards who will believe anything they see in a commercial, as long as it agrees with the knee-jerk opinions they have already formed from other advertisements. In the final analysis, Apple users are helpless slaves irrevocably wed to the mediated and hyper-hedonistic run away freight train of industrial society; thanks to iPods built with alien mind control technology they are unable to conceive existence outside of music, video, and images. It is these legions of iPod wearing zombies with their thick black framed glasses and trendy shiny hair who are the Storm-Troopers of the "Great-Beast". See, Protocols of the Elders of Macintosh.
Your Average Apple Consumer
Apple consumers are just that: consumers. They're people who buy shit just because they saw it on TV. Apple consumers are the type of people who are stupid enough to buy a $1499 MacBook Air, which has one USB port and no CD drive, or even a fucking ethernet port, but it can fit inside a manila envelope, which is such a useful function. They'll also buy an iPod Nano or iPod Shuffle, even if they already own an iPod because all Apple fans are trendyfags who wear tight emo pants so they can't fit a regular-sized iPod in their pocket. Instead if paying $30 for a pair of pants with bigger pockets, they would rather spend $70-$160 on a toy that'll be obsolete the following week.
If you want to know who a typical Apple user is, take a look at any one of the iMac commercials. Apple fans are people who like to be told what to do, and who cannot think for themselves, but merely like to hear one side of an argument from a biased source and never hear the other side of the argument. In other words, Liberals. Your average Apple consumer will be a 20-something Hipster named Grant with stupid chunky black plastic rimmed glasses and/or dyed black emo hair or a bald head (kind of like that fag Moby - who loves Apple so much that he was featured in the iPod introduction video). They are generally the type of people who major in lighting, attend modern art galleries on a regular basis, listen to U2, drink cappuccino, eat organic shit, listen to Indie, and cry while masturbating furiously in the corner to stylistic, artistic, sepia-toned pictures of Bono. They will generally live in either an ugly Victorian townhouse or some other area populated by pretentious champagne socialists. Mac users are to be avoided at all costs.
Remember that there's a world of difference between "acting intelligent" and actually "being intelligent" - of course, this statement could only resonate to the mind of a PC user, so you Apple Boys just ignore it and keep on reading.
Unlike normal PC users, who more often than not drive a true American car built in Motor City rigged with a V8 engine of at least 1 UK gallon of displacement, you'll quite often find your typical Apple consumer driving a pompous Eurotrash vehicle (e.g. BMW, SAAB, Volkswagen, Peugot), or Subaru with a kayak or pair of cross country skis on the roof, not because they need it or really even want it, but because they feel it would set them apart from all those "other people" ("other people" being those who don't act like faggots).
Apple fans often insist that Macs are easier to use than PCs, but by making such an argument, all they really do is imply that they're too damn stupid to figure out how to use a real computer, rather than an overpriced toy.
Criticism
A secret survey conducted by the Rand Corporation in the 1970s confirmed that any person attracted to white, plastic machines completely without sharp edges is an utter homosexual, subconsciously wishing to insert them into his rectum. (This thesis was famously defended by Sigmund Freud at least 100 years ago.) This led some to theorize that the miraculous upsurge in sales at the dawn of the new millennium, after a long period during which no one would buy an Apple computer, was the result of a coup backed by the CIA. It could not be a coincidence, it was argued, that every new design released by Apple had a counterpart amongst the suggestions presented in the Rand Corporation survey, which had recently been made public, to which it was almost identical. The CIA's interest in the coup supposedly was to divert the interest of the inhabitants of California towards "expressing themselves" with shitty programs such as iPhoto, Pages and iMovie (all designed especially to appeal to homosexuals) so that the Republicans could regain power from the Democrats in the 2000 presidential elections. The CIA confessed its partaking in the coup after the Republican Thousand Year Empire was secured in 2004, and admitted to doing this "for the lulz".
Also, although the machines cost $2000, the machines are made in outright sweatshops, and often, the machine will need to be sent back numerous times, due to various problems, until you are forced to buy a new one. This is a form of Steve Jobs manipulation.
In summary, Apple products represent precisely what you don't want to be either in mind, body, or spirit. Avoid all traces of this evil in your otherwise rewarding journey through life and never forget to enjoy the occasional chuckle at the expense of the typical Apple dweeb in your neighborhood.
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DRM
Steve Jobs has said that Apple is against DRM, but this is complete and total bullshit because everyone who isn't retarted knows that DRM will help Apple sell millions of iPods, even though in the future they will only be associated with homosexuals (they already are, amirite?). If you haven't put this together yourself then allow me to do it for you. DRM means that once a consumer purchases music off iTunes he (we omit the she because women are supposed to be in the kitchen makin' dinner while the men are out fucking with hot chicks who are totally asking for it) will only be able to listen to that music on his iPod and in iTunes. OH SHIT, MY IPOD BROKE - Ha. Good luck with that. Guess what? You fucked yourself. That's right. That Dragonforce that you purchased on iTunes only works on iTunes. The latest iPod looks gay so you decide you want a Zune. After pluggin' it in you try to put the music you purchased on iTunes onto the Zune. You get so angry you have sex with a couple of the goats that you keep in your mom's basement, punch out your parole officer and cut your dick off in a morphine-induced high. As a result of the protection you have to buy another iPod to listen to your 9,000 dollars worth of music. Apple argues that it doesn't sell DRM-free music because of the record companies. However, this is a lie because all the same music can be bought without DRM on Amazon MP3.
THUS: APPLE MAKES MONEY OFF YOUR STUPIDITY.
Since anyone with half a brain could figure out how to get music without paying for it by using sites such as Playlist.com, and anyone with half a brain wouldn't buy an iPod, there's no reason why anyone with half a brain would want to use iTunes. However, if one does elect to actually buy a song off iTunes, one will recieve the song in a proprietary format, making it useless--and a waste of money--if they want to use the song with anything other than iTunes or their iPod. However, this can be circumvented by using iTunes to burn the song to a CD, then reinserting the CD into the computer and then ripping the song as a WAV or MP3 using Windows Media Player.
Features of a Mac
Software
The Macintosh OS is technically a bait-and-switch scheme to promote overpriced Mac hardware. Unlike Windows, Macintosh OS will refuse to install on a non-Apple machine. You can only install it on "Mac" hardware. (Ironically, Windows will install on a Mac.)
The Macintosh OS is ripped off from the BSD and Mach kernels (both of which are free and open-sourced). Mac software consists entirely of stolen Windows software from the 1970s, redesigned to be even moar homosexual and retarded, and about 50 times as expensive. Somehow, this poorly coded, rehashed software takes up as much hard drive space as one hundred installations of WoW; for this, you can thank Steve Jobs for his landmark contribution to the world of computers and digital technology.
Apple also likes to brag about the fact that you can OMG WRITE EMAILS AND CHAT ONLINE WITH ALL YOUR FRIENDS, as though this were an impressive accomplishment, despite the fact that Macs fail at performing even these rudimentary tasks. Trying to get a Mac program to run properly, or even run at all, is only slightly more difficult than teaching your Chia pet to do calculus. Fortunately, Macs have a total of seven software programs available to date, so you won't have to worry about this problem much.
In addition, Apple has a strange ability to conjure up all of the smug in everyone, and as such, their software will physically and mentally alter their users to believing anything that Apple says, and claiming that Apple software is always better, much more secure, and whatever else their enlightened brains are told. To this day, complementing Apples professional hardware is one of the most enjoyable things to do. Much self-righteousness will ensue.
Mac Viruses
Ever wondered where all the viruses for Macs are? Mac fanboys will bullshit you, saying that it is due to the Mac's enhanced virus protection, but the real reason is because for a virus to exist, someone has to be around to make it, and nobody uses Macs. That's right, Macs can't even get negative attention. Noone gives a shit about them.
As of April 2009, Apple has less than 4% global market share (it's something like 9.4% in the US). So the reason why Macs get less viruses is because, since almost nobody uses Macs, there's little incentive for adware companies to make viruses that target them. So when iDiots try to convert PC users, they're shooting themselves in the foot because if they make Macs more popular, they also make them a bigger target for virus makers, and that "security" they like to brag about won't seem so great anymore.
Anyway, Apple's idea of "virus protection" is not letting you install half of the programs that exist on the internets.
Contrary to popular belief, a few viruses do exist on all Apple machines ranging from old (at least as recently as last Thursday) to new (except for the ones that are new, give it a week or four.) CERT listed about 258 Apple security vulnerabilities in May, 2008. Apple keeps the ones it discovered secret. A newer one fucks with gravity sensors inside the MacBook (which further proves they are insane) and ejaculates your MacBook to space. Users of this virus simply plug in a USB flash drive and if autorun is active on said MacBook, it is fucked. Unfortunately for said virus, autorun does not exist on OSX, rendering this virus somewhat useless, relying instead on the "honor system", whereby the user must erase their hard drive manually. Mac loving faggots (aka Fanbois) will constantly complain about this, claiming that this is not a virus but a "prank which fucks up your computer". On a serious note: WHAT THE FUCK ELSE IS A VIRUS?
Gaming
LOL WUT? To date not even Battletoads, one of the most profound and popular games ever invented, is available to play on an Apple computer. In order to game on a Mac, you would have to buy one of those much less expensive, slightly less homosexual computers. However, like all decisions, there is a down side. Gaming on a slightly less homosexual, slightly more evil machine would mean that the probability that you're a basement dweller increases over 9,000 percent. It should be noted that to please Koreans world-wide, Blizzard has signed an agreement to make Starcraft Mac-accessible. Apple was afraid of such a loss of profit due to the abundance of Asian and European faggotry that they could not afford to lose such a market.
If you still want to be a douchebag, you can use the program "Wine" to run programs on a Mac, although most hot-wired games fail to play.
Password Saving
Students can buy a program that organizes your passwords for just 15 bucks (instead of 49)! This is totally awesome. For just 15 bucks you don't need to re-type your password whenever you choose to switch to another browser without importing the old one's preferences.
Yes, this is considered useful in the macfag community. If you have just spent twice the money for the same hardware, 15 bucks don't matter.
Things You'll Never See A Mac Do
- Think of something you want it to do, then substitute here.
- Load files
- Load websites
- Load accounts
- Play most games
- Update existing software (because there never was any to begin with)
- Take less than 100 years to get online
- Stay online for more than .0003 nanoseconds
- Last for even a week without requiring extensive repair
- Be plugged in without blowing every fuse in your house
- Do anything even remotely resembling the normal functions of a computer
- Be able to function as anything except a clunky, hideously ugly, $3,000 paperweight
- Right click.
- Compute.
Apple in Popular Culture
- Apple Macs were the high tech backbone of Jurassic Park's security system. However, due to a large amount of fail, lulz ensued.
- The Apple Newton was used by Vin Diesel in Under Siege IV: The Revenge, where he helped defend a hijacked passenger space shuttle from rebel Nigras. However, due to a large amount of fail, lulz ensued.
- A Macintosh Performa 600 was used in the movie Blank Check. Counterfeiters, take note: if it worked in a Disney movie in 1994, it will probably still work today.
- iMacs were used in the movie i-Robot (note the product endorsement) to program "intelligent" robot beings who would later rape the humans for their blood and Jew gold in a crazy haphazard sort of mix up similar to what will happen to Apple in the coming years.
- In the movie Sneakers, Robert Redford h4xxor3d the CIA using a Mac Classic. However, they got him when he was caught playing Oregon Trail. Lulz ensued.
- After David Koresh and the Branch Davidians were pwn3d by the ATF, CSI showed that they were caught by surprise fapping off to porn on Macs. Lulz ensued.
- In the movie Independence Day Jeff Goldblum used an iBook to upload a Laughing Skull Virus to the alien mainframe, causing them to be easily defeated. The death of the aliens allowed the future of mankind and lulz to continue.
- The infamous killer computer in the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey ran on Mac OSX, proving that Mac can be just as evil if not more, than Microsoft.
- In Robocop 2, the bad robot, RoboCain (wich had a brain from a drug-addict), runs on MacOS, while Robocop runs on MS-DOS.
- Unfortunately macs are used in most tv shows and movies as computers - this is because the props departments can pick them up cheaply from any rubbish tip.
Apple Switch Ad Campaign
Switch was an ad campaign launched by Apple Computer on June 10, 2002. It featured what the company referred to as "real people" who had "switched" from the Microsoft Windows platform to the Mac. Rather than show any redeeming qualities (there are none), they showed how down and cool they were with the average user. An international television and print ad campaign directed users to a website where various myths about the Mac platform were dispersed.
One of the people who appeared in the commercials, Ellen Feiss, gained immense popularity overnight in what might be called an Internet phenomenon.
The Switch campaign was cancelled as soon as Apple realized that it was causing a plague of switchers to descend upon the formerly close-knit Mac community.
Videos
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Gallery
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Other Apple Products
See Also
- BOLO The only game to ever be released on a Mac.
- Communism Macs are communist because they dont allow competition; All Macs are made by apple.
- Ellen Feiss Official Spokesperson.
- Linux
- Lowter Typical Mac Propaganda.
- MacRumors
- Microsuck
- PC -Hated furiously by Mac users
- P-p-p-powerbook
- Steve Jobs
- Windows
