Assassin's Creed
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Assassin's Creed is the 100,000th video game to be shit out of the corporate asshole that is Ubisoft. The French-Canadians who developed this game ensured that it was warmer, steamier and a thousand times more smellier then your typical pile of crap. Credit must go to those Canadians however, because being able to produce a game whilst having a severe mental and physical disability is quite a feat.
The plot takes place three months before the end of the world, in September 2012 on the 11th anniversary of 9/11. The Jews are celebrating 11 years of glorious uprising as the FBI are still trying to gather enough evidence to legally perform a second holocaust. A bartender named Desmond is kidnapped by a corporation (most likely a self-characterization of Ubisoft) and forced into a machine that "recollects ancestral memories buried into the users DNA" because he is apparently the descendant of Jesus or some shit. Really, the entire game is a figment of Desmond's imagination, and thus anything you achieve whilst playing is automatically null and void.
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Characters
The cast of characters consists primarily of Jews and Arabs, mostly due to the fact that this game is set in Israel and Syria.
Altaïr Ibn La-Ahad: Dirty Arab whose main purpose is to pickpocket and kill people. In typical Arab fashion, he loves to pick fights with people on the street just for shits and giggles. He also enjoys having heartfelt discussions with his assassination targets after slicing their necks, and the guards are polite enough not to interrupt these chats. He is the main protagonist and large quantities of the game will be spent playing as him. Note the two dots above the letter 'i' in his name. Bastard thinks he's better then the rest of us. Fucking Arabs. It should also be noted that thanks to the Americanization of Eastern civilization, Altair has an American accent.
Desmond Miles: Descendant of Altair. Due to heavy interracial breeding he is mostly Jewish now. Works as a bartender but is kidnapped by a corporation, who want to use him as a guinea pig and use a new invention on him known as the Animal Anus which can supposedly bring back memories from the users ancestors. Once said memories have been received, Desmond is almost killed by the people who kidnapped him, but through a deus ex machina is rescued by a mysterious woman. Why she was outside of the kitchen is beyond me. Truly, this is a very realistic game.
Abstergo Industries: (Pronounced "Asperger's Industries") Evil corporation that kidnapped Desmond. Serve as the main antagonist of the game. Their agenda is using the Animal Anus to find the location of Altair's Jew gold, which he buried somewhere in the heart of Israel. Deserve to be burned at the stake due to the fact that a woman was able to outsmart them and ruin their plans.
Al Mualim: Leader of the Assassin's Brotherhood, the retarded academy of which Altair is employed by. He demotes Altair after he failed an assassination mission and did it wrong. Subsequently he forces Altair to kill at least 9 people in order to satisfy his Arabic genetic predisposition to violence. Most people Altair kills are either Jewish or Arabic anyway, so no matter how you look at it, there is always one clear winrar: Society.
Lucy Stillman: Deserves no place in this game and really should stick to making sammiches rather then rescuing Arabs from death.
Gameplay
The game borrows gameplay elements heavily from other games/franchises. These include Spider-Man (scaling walls and buildings), Street Fighter (picking random fights with people on the street), Grand Theft Auto (committing crimes and running from the police) and several others. The gameplay is also horribly repetitive, as 90% of the time you will just be tapping the x button to beat up a dirty Muslim who tried to steal your Jew gold.
The weapons at your disposal, which you may use to cut or jab through the guards' mysteriously ineffective body armor, include:
- A sword
- A knife attached to your hand
- Throwing knives
- Your hands
For some strange reason your legs are rendered useless when fighting, despite being heavily relied on throughout the rest of the game. Should you choose to become a criminal scum, guards will attempt to kill you rather then confiscate your stolen goods. Should you ever be zerg rushed by a group of guards you can simply pick one of them up and throw them into the rest and make a daring escape, or, just kill them all by picking out person and countering everything he does; it's seriously not that fucking hard. Almost anything can act as a hiding spot, including the park bench. Truly, these are the cleverest AI controlled bots, seeing as how you are the only one dressed in a fucking Assassin's uniform, it must be impossible to find you (though in their defense, their uniforms were designed so that they might be mistaken for heavily armed, building-scaling monks).
If you get damaged by an enemy an unrealistic amount of blood will spray out of your body in a similar fashion to ejaculation. Not even GTA has this much bloodspray. This can happen 5-6 more times before you eventually run out of blood, and return back to the Animal Anus' lobby. Also, in the same way as earlier GTA games, you don't have the ability to swim.
Sequel
A sequel was confirmed by Ubisoft, whereby you play as a Guido rather then an Arab/Jew. It's a slight improvement from it's predecessor, but Italians have no place in higher society, just as Arabs and Jews have no place in society at all. In this new one, you get to chillax with Dee Vinchee and fly around on his MAGICAL FUCKING BIRDWINGS or some shit. Also other Guido stuff like sing showtunes on shit boats and jizza on pizza.
Gallery
| Gallery of Assassins | ||||
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See Also
External Links
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