Atheist

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A quick summery for those who wish to avoid the drama.
A quick summery for those who wish to avoid the drama.

Atheism is a religion which worships science instead of God. As a Christian will typically quote the Bible during an argument, most atheists will quote The God Delusion and then explain why they're right. Since nearly every forum on this series of tubes we call "Internet" has a 70 page long religion thread, it is clear that much drama and BAWWW is had with such a sensitive topic. In this article we'll take a look at the atheists side of this eternal argument and attempt to glean important facts regarding their position. BEHOLD:

Contents

[edit] Failed Logic

They want to murder YOU!

Atheists tend to suffer from a rare, more aggressive form of unwarranted self-importance. Atheists typically think they are smarter than you no matter what. Just try to correct them on something and prepare to be blasted away with some "SERIOUS FUCKING LOGIC". Many also exhibit very serious cases of a persecution complex, believing that Secret Christian Anonymous Terrorists (SCAT) are trying to eradicate them by putting the word "God" in things. A high priest of Atheism discovered last Thursday that should a fellow Atheist hear the "Under God" portion of the Pledge of Allegiance three times within an hour, they will instantly convert to Christianity and then die.

Generally, all atheists are liberals with serious superiority complexes who are often willing to argue with anyone, especially Xtians. Of course, potential adversaries usually decline to argue because they are too busy earning a living and having direction in life. The ones who do get into such arguments are retarded 13-year-old girls who either convert to atheism to become retarded atheists themselves or get butthurt and send the chatlogs to their minister. Either way, the argument goes nowhere, neither religion (because atheism is one too) gains any ground one way or the other, and both participants are losers.

Recent studies reveal that atheists tend to be privileged enough to seriously suck at life yet still not get banned (or at least kicked out of their parents' house). Thus, in an effort to prove to themselves and to the world that they aren't useless sacks of shit, they have the compulsion to masturbate their supposed intellectual superiority onto people (sheeple?) who don't have the time or interest or opportunity to think about such shit.

Atheists are further up the evolutionary scale.
Atheists are further up the evolutionary scale.

Many of them believe that some philosopher (e.g., Nietzsche or Karl Popper) has proved that atheism is correct. However, they will of course dismiss any philosopher that believes in God through the infallible argument that anyone that believes in a God is stupid, which means anything they say is stupid, which means that it would just be wasting the intellectually superior atheist's time. Kierkegaard never existed.

Atheists generally suffer under the delusion that religion somehow is the cause of all conflict and that it is directly responsible for every war and murder that has ever occurred in history. Of course, most atheists fail to realize that, with or without religion, there will always be stupid people in the world who take as gospel truth something that they'd read.

PROTIP: When in an encounter with an atheist and this issue comes up, simply point out that atheist dictators killed over 130 million people over the past century and murdered hundreds of thousands in an effort to eradicate religion itself, because, you know, mass murder is the inevitable result when a community becomes too intolerant of outlandish dogmas and too fond of critical thinking. The atheist will undoubtedly respond with, "BUT THEY DIDN'T KILL IN THE NAME OF ATHEISM!!11", which is bullshit, because they obviously did: Lenin, Mao, and Stalin all viewed religion as an obstacle to the dictatorship of the proletariat OBVIOUS ATHEISM envisioned by Marx and thus sought to remove this obstacle by any means necessary.

[edit] Morality

Atheists tend to gripe about how religious people say that they can't be moral. But if they don't believe in anything, why do they care about morality? The truth is, atheists have no morals; given the chance, they would rape and kill every member of your family, simply for the lulz of it. Trying to prove this to an atheist will result in a 10-page rant about how the Bible sucks ass because it is a 2000-year-old book. The atheist will fail to realize that nobody gives a shit. Alternately some atheists wont stop spouting nietszche and claim that morality is overrated. Some even take this idea that nihilism is better than morality to the extent of saying it's ok to fuck kids. Classic examples of such fucktards can be found editing the pages of wikipedia posting on marilyn manson message boards and failing at life. Those who arent busy posting in threads about the deeper meanings in the lyrics of system of a down also seem to like to vlog it up on the jewtubes and cry about how they are being mistreated by the evil "xians".

A typical atheist
A typical atheist
An atheist in its natural habitat. Clearly, this is an example of Nietzsche's Übermensch ideal.
An atheist in its natural habitat. Clearly, this is an example of Nietzsche's Übermensch ideal.

[edit] Atheists Sex Lives

Atheists fall into two categories when it comes to sex:

  • Faggots: Fags love getting their assholes ripped apart by other men and since God hates fags it's easy to see why homosexuals are always atheists.
  • Virgins: It is a fact, proven by science and polls that even Catholic priests get more ass then the typical atheist. Only the fag sub type of atheist gets moar.
Of course under normal circumstances there isn't a woman underneath them.
Of course under normal circumstances there isn't a woman underneath them.

[edit] Important Facts About Atheism

  • Black people can't be Atheists in the MMORPG RL due to class restrictions.
  • If you were born a Jew and converted to Atheism, you are still a Jew. You also did 9/11.
  • They have the ability to grow Neckbeards at an accelerated rate.
  • Atheists have the ability to think freely which helps them spell better OTI and find porn.
  • They are smarter then you since they've browsed various skeptic's bibles.
  • All Atheists became Atheists because their know they are going to hell and are in denial.
  • All Atheists are actually in denial about their belief in God, you know they believe and wont admit it.

[edit] Atheists on the internet

Whenever religion is brought up on any message board or forum anywhere, expect it to be flooded by hardcore neck-bearded faggot atheists. Atheists are world-renowned for shitting up any religious discussion with posts that can usually be summed up as "LOL RELIGION IS FOR SHEEP LOL GOD IS DEAD QUIT LIFE CHRISTFAGS HURRRRRRRRR", no matter how intelligent or rationalized it looks. Atheists commonly complain about how religion is like a herd mentality meant to control the masses, while failing to realize that shitting yourself over anyone with any sort of theistic beliefs is far more obnoxious than the religious people they frequently whine about. Christians, in this case, have an upper-hand over atheists for not going into shitfits over religious discussion on an internet forum.

In this example, a youtube atheist reacts to someone making a Wii Mii of Jesus. Very typical for an internets atheist.
In this example, a youtube atheist reacts to someone making a Wii Mii of Jesus. Very typical for an internets atheist.

In this example an internet group discusses atheism. Note how for once the Christians seem like the sane ones. Also note the inability of certain users from this site to countenance the fact that atheists are frothy-mouthed batshit psychos.

Typical atheist protesting Bu$h's inauguration.
Typical atheist protesting Bu$h's inauguration.

Listening to angry atheist rants on the internet, one can detect a common sentiment or strain of thought running throughout. This sentiment goes something like this: "Atheists are inherently smarter than theists. All theists are ignorant and irrational because of the very fact that they are theists. Why bother engaging those stupid, dim sheeple in actual debate when they are so very, very ignorant?" This is why atheists generally come across as arrogant, whiny assholes.

It is also to remember that no atheist can understand lulz, as lulz, being a corruption of lol, means Love Our Lord. It is therefore impossible for a godless heathen to understand. No lulz may be had when you are too busy whining about how people who go out in the sun or shave are just deluding themselves, and too stupid to understand the workings of the universe which these fat, neckbearded slobs of course have fully understood.

Another reason atheists generally come across as arrogant, whiny assholes is their long revered standard of ad hominem attacks on those with whom they happen to not agree. Rather than actually engaging into some form of serious debate with those silly theists and having the flaws of atheist positions shown as having no merit whatsoever, it is easier to attack theists and dismiss them personally based on presumably lower intellect, lack of scientific proof, etc.

[edit] Sources of drama

Many people hold their religious beliefs very strongly. Many other people hold their supposedly non-religious beliefs even more strongly. As we all know, conflicting beliefs result easily in delicious drama. Thus, Atheists are a prime source of drama, both as subjects and creators.

YouTube has a sizable population of Atheists on it, mostly represented by the local diocese, Rational Response Squad. You can check out their "Blasphemy Challenge" to see kids bummed about church and that their parents won't buy them iPods. You may even be able to spot a few rare African-American "Atheists!" You can oftentimes receive boners from the angry responses from fellow Atheists who give out poor comment points to anyone that demands Tits or GTFO to any female Atheists.

The majority of atheists must always, and will forever, debate who is the biggest idiot for believing in religion. In addition, some atheists believe that atheism is the belief in nothing religious: this is also bullshit.

Most atheists cannot stand each other; putting two together in a closet usually results in a deadly battle of who can fuck the other in the ass faster.

[edit] Atheist Quotes

  • "I feel very attached to the idea of atheism , that we are free to do whatever we want. (Not that my parents buy into that) And there is no proof their is a god, so HA!!"
  • "HAWHAWHAR YOU BELIEVE IN A GOD THAT DOESN'T EXIST!!! Well, I'll see you at school."
  • "If it takes a group to make you strong, not only does that make you cowardly, it means you are weak, and hiding behind other weak people, just like a fucking gang. This is the basis of religion. A mass of stupid people saying "do as we say or i will kill you". That doesnt make you right, that makes you a nazi."
  • "IM SO SICK AND TIRED OF CHRISTIANS PUSHING THEIR BELIEFS ON ME, i mean every year i go to buy something at the store and I see HAPPY HOLLIDAYS and it pisses me off so much i mean Christians are everywhere i mean its like UHHGGGGG but anyway this year its gonna be different. i just got down purchasing my ANTI-god pin. im going to every place where they sell christmas trees and all the "happy" (yeah more like BRAINWASHED) familys will see my anti-god pin and i will silently protest this stupid holliday yeah go atheists!"

[edit] OMFG CENSORSHIP!!!oneoneone

When confronted about their h8 and intolerance, Atheists tend to go on a screaming rant about how they are being OMFG CENSORED, saying things like "I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO SAY WHAT I WANT, ALL I AM TRYING TO DO IS CRITICIZE RELIGION, U R VIOLATING MY FREE SPEECH BY CALLING ME 'INTOLERANT' JUST BECAUSE I THINK THAT ALL XTIANS R STUPID DELUDED IDIOTS WHO DESERVE TO BE TORTURED AND KILLED OR LOCKED UP AND MEDICATED".

Thus we arrive at the atheist's definition of "free speech", which is essentially: When I attack you, it's just criticism, but when you attack me, it's OMFG CENSORSHIP!!!111!!!1

[edit] How to Troll Atheists

  • Tell them you're a creationist, then laugh at the ensuing hysterics. Bonus points if you refute all of their science with "God done it"
  • Call them agnostics
  • Call them Satanists
  • Crapflood the Bible
  • Tell them that atheism is just another religion
  • Show them this article
  • Tell them atheists can't have morals
  • just disagree with them

[edit] Butthurt Atheist EDits to this article

Please visit the userpages of the following users and let them know that Jesus fucking loves them hard. God Bless.

See Also: the talk page

[edit] Atheist flaming theists with "reason" and "logic"

[edit] External Links

[edit] See Also




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