Austin
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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While perhaps not as central to teh drama as, say, Seattle or Atlanta, it's worth noting that, as the former home of Charles Whitman, Austin is the birthplace of the School Shooting, and thus has plenty of drama cred in its own right.
Austin is famous as the "weird little brother" of the rest of the State of Texas. The "Keep Austin Weird" campaign epitomises the large number of countercultural forces that serve to regularly embarass and frighten visiting state legislators from stolid, sensible, God-fearing places like Jasper and Waco.
In 1966, Cho Seung Hui time-travelled back to the University of Texas Tower, this time equipped with a hunting rifle, and a white man mask. Going under the guise of "Charles Whitman", He proceeded to shoot at least 100 students, before being taken down by two police officers. This was considered a failure, because he did not become an hero.
Austin McBride is a whore!
Contents |
[edit] Attractions
Town Lake: Now renamed for Lady Byrd Johnson, "Town Lake" was originally named for itself, which was created by damming up the Colorado river and turning it into the biggest recreational place you've evar seen. Miles and miles of trails, bike routes, and bat watching places. If you stand at the end of South Congress at sunset, you'll be bombarded with bats. Used to be full of weed that all the old hippies grew, but they put some fish in and took care of the problem. Drinking the water in Town Lake is the 6th biggest cause of AIDS within the continental United States. Also used to be a great place to hold an Aqua Festival, but the local spics and artfags living along the lakes' many condo and barrio communities bitched and complained about the loud motors and all the people blocking their streets by parking their cars there, so the festival was dropped in the mid 1990s.
Barton Springs: A natural water pool that's cold as fuck and has an endangered salamander or something.
The Capitol: The humble beginnings of the terror of W. It's granite and has a huge underground parking lot-basement where it is rumored that A-rabs congregate.
The Mothership: The huge-fucking Whole Foods store that all others call "mother." It has it's own underground parking garage, food court, and herd of Indie-kids and artists who live there, begging for scraps from the food court. As it is located right down the street from the Austin branch of the Church of Scientology, many believe the store was originally a UFO that appeared when Tom Cruise last visited the city.
6th Street: Famous for its year round 24/7 live music and bars. Get a tattoo and a giant cock in your asshole all at once! That's savings!
The Warehouse District: Kind of like 6th Street, only with more AIDS
Downtown: Be prepared for endless art stores, retarded museums, and wannabe-hip coffee rings. Oh, and lots of transients, bums and junkies looking for handouts. Bring a club or a gun.
Lake Travis: Yeah motherfucker!
Leslie Cochran: A homeless tranny who received twenty percent of the vote in a recent mayoral election. He has a makeshift home on the sidewalk and is AWOL mentally.
Hippie Hollow: Where old naked men go when they're not on the internets. Most women who skinny-dip here not only don't *skinny* anything, but you usually can't see either their boobs or their labia through all the pubic hair.
Mopac YOU ALWAYS FUCKING TAKE MOPAC WHEN YOU'RE IN AUSTIN, UNDERSTAND!?
[edit] Unattractions
The University of Texas: The only school of Electrical Engineering in the world run by a wigger, the infamous Dr. John D. Cogdell. Produces more rapist-fratboys than Harvard and Yale combined. Also has a football team full of niggers, but what college these days doesn't? Home of the original Cho, Charles Whitman.
Anderson High School: The retarded stepchild of AISD; Used to be the nigger school back during the days of segregation. As such, they haven't remodeled (or even cleaned) the building since. The old hag running the joint has taken her sad, pitiful life into consideration and after realizing she will never hold any position higher than the principal of the poorest of the rich schools, decided to turn it into a full-scale prison, complete with cameras and police officers (see: rent-a-cops) every 10 feet. If you value your sanity, don't go here. Ever.
Johnston High School: The high school with the worst academic record in Texas history, where most students are on the seven-year plan to graduation by age 21. They keep threatening to close it down, but none of the other schools would allow all the ghetto thugs and wetback rapists in their doors. Johnston exists not as a school, but as a temporary holding facility for tomorrow's human shit.
SH 130: An unwanted, unnecessary tollroad administered by towelheaded Arabs and corrupt politicians. Polls showed 97.4% of those living in Travis and Williamson counties didn't want the roads, much less pay again to use them after their taxes were already supposed to be providing those same roads. TXDoT refused to listen, saying their bastard kids all needed new shoes.
SH 45: See above. Same shit, different road.
Round Rock, Georgetown & Williamson County: Next-door neighbors to Austin in the north. Home to Dell Computer Corporation and the most corrupt police departments west of the Mississippi. The Williamson Co. Gestapo has been under federal investigation for civil rights abuses against white folks for over twenty years, most of the cases involving teens and college punks getting busted for weed and booze, and then getting beaten and almost-raped in the lockups. Some 75% of all cases tried in the county go against the defendant, usually thanks to evidence and testimony falsified by the cops, or by the judge refusing to accept evidence that will acquit. Fines and judgments against those dumb enough to get busted in this county are 500% to 2500% higher than any other area in the Western Hemisphere, which means that the Gestapo and their Judge bosses are amongst the highest paid public officials in the country. Avoid this county at all costs, especially if Dell has just hired you for tech support.
East Austin: There are tribes in East Austin that have never seen a white man. This is where most of Austin's African Americans live. Chock full of thugs, muggers, rapists, thieves, street walkers, and drug dealers. Oh, and of course, crack ho's. Austin is attempting to "revitalize" the area, starting with the section closest to Downtown, but has yet to answer the important question: where are all the niggers going to go when the trendy shops and condo dwellers drive them out? Certainly not next door to you!
Montopolis: This is where most of the Mexican Americans dwell. The closest thing that Texas has to a barrio outside and north of San Antonio. No attempts are being made to revitalize the area, as the Mexicans are content to live in the squalor they've created. Note that there are approximately 3.15 taco and/or tamale stands per block in this area of town.
Westlake: The uber-rich part of Austin. They claim they're a separate town from Austin, but nobody outside of the enclave believes that. It is legal to shoot non-whites in Westlake, and anyone who doesn't live in Westlake is considered non-white. Only thing the area produces of note are sorority bimbos (all of whom usually end up with black thug boyfriends) and wigger babies.
IH-35: The stretch that runs through Austin is considered the worst stretch of rush-hour traffic nightmare in Texas, mostly because TXDoT refuses to wipe it out and replace it with the 8-lane highway that the city needs running from one end to the other. Instead, they prefer to rape drivers' wallets with toll roads that don't go where you want them to in the first place, and save you no time whatsoever even if they did.
North Lamar/Braker: This area used to be mildly affluent, but in recent years it's become home to thousands of fucking South Korean refugees. All of them are either employed by Samsung - which has a fab plant in Austin just up the road - or are related to someone employed there. But considering that all of fucking Korea has been a shithole since the days when M*A*S*H wasn't a work of fiction, who can blame them for wanting to get the fuck out? But then again, they should have gone somewhere where they'd be more at home, like San Fagcisco or Mexico City.
Stony Point High School: This school is in the jew town aka Round Rock. Its population is n00bfags who need to get permabanned irl. The spic principal hogs 430% of the schools spending for his new mustang so he can pwn nubs in street racin but mustangs are for n00bfags so hes actually pwnin himself. This school is full of wanna be DMXs who think they are "hood" but end up pissin themselves when the cops show up. Its also home to the hippiest teachers who think ther're doing some good but are to pussy to go to Anderson. Word of advice: don't blend in with the population here, you're gonna be maced then beatin then ass raped when the cops show up. Literally, it has happened.
[edit] The People
- Old Hippies/Annoying Hobos (note: it is extremely difficult to tell the difference between this category, and 3-7 just on looks alone).
- Tech Savvy douchebags who were too pussy to move to California
- Psuedo-Creative Artists (i.e. Stoners)
- Pagans/Queers
- Bad Environmentalists
- College Kids
- Wetbacks who couldn't make it to Dallas, but got further than San Antonio.
- ChairmanMeow, who totally pwns the APD with his bad self.
- Boink, who hasn't done shit to the APD, but pisses off the local religious right regularly.
- AcervusVlos, Who the APD is unaware of.
- Ace_ofspade, who hates the 290 cops.
- Azns
[edit] Culture
Austin's culture is such that any successful attempt to create culture is quickly reverted. The void is then momentarily filled by whatever shit bands the city council can lure to the area within three months of cannibalizing their own people. After successfully destroying the Austin Music Network, the city council plans to constrict any live music venues into oblivion with pointless and heavy-handed laws. This will ultimately allow South By Southwest to impose itself upon the city with no competition.
Another example of how the City Council loves to fuck with any attempts to keep cultural diversity alive was th 2005 Smoking Ban. Although this was supposed to keep those patrons of bars and restaurants protected from the mythical dangers of second-hand smoke, it actually targeted dance halls, nightclubs and titty-bars. During the appeal to the courts to have the ban overturned, it was revealed that the ban was passed into law by a public vote consisting only of old people who were either too old and infirm to party like the youngsters, or just didn't like other people to have any fun regardless of age. The end result was most businesses in Austin seeing huge downturns in their income, as the non-smokers have not turned out in droves to replace the smokers that got chased off by the ban. Way to go, dipshits! Even if the ban is overturned somewhere down he road, the damage has already been done. Austin has only a handful of "Keep Austin Weird" bumper stickers left to identify itself from any other mundane college town.
The greatest irony in all this is the unnecessary bans, unwanted tollroads and hundreds of condos are being made to accommodate people moving to Austin, and simultaneously destroying the reason why people wanted to move there in the first place.
As the live music capitol of the world, Austin draws a lot of hipsters, emos, hippies, goths, and every subculture imagined. When one moves to Austin for whatever purpose, they are automatically issued the entire Radiohead discography.
[edit] Famous Austinites
- Lance Armstrong, expert on doping blood for performance enhancment and pissing off gay frenchmen.
- Ann "Da Man" Richards, probably the most kickass governor of any state prior to Ah-Nuld. In 2006, she died en route to the hospital during I-35 gridlock.
- Leslie. She's got AIDS now, supposedly. Wah.
- Mike Judge, creator of Beevis and Butthead, King of the Hill, Office Space, and a couple of decent things.
- Sandra Bullock, who move to Austin in hopes of finding a Pancho's Mexican Buffet open so she could finally put some fat back on her anorexic ass!
- Stevie Ray Vaughan, whose death pissed off the planet because the original report of his death was mistakenly reported as being Phil Collins who'd gotten killed.
- Kinky Friedman, Austin's favorite Jewboy!
- It is rumored that the Anti-Christ will come from Austin, probably from UT's Electrical Engineering school.
- Stone Cold Steve Austin. The most badass Professional Wrestler ever.
- Charles Whitman, the most famous Marine sniper next to Lee Harvey Oswald. Semper Fi!
- John Henry Faulk, commie pervert who was witch hunted by McCarthy because he wouldn't put out.
- Kathy Valentine, reformed dyke psychotic and bass guitarist for the Go-Go's
- Jeff, once found a green phat lying on the ground at dueling arena!
- Doris Miller, WWII hero who shot down five thousand Jap planes at Pearl Harbor because he was pissed at being given a woman's name by his mother.
- O. Henry. Some fag poet who had a candy bar named for him.
- Roger Clements, steroid junkie and baseball player who's too stupid to know when to retire and *stay* that way.
- Lady Byrd Johnson, former First Lady and aesthetic environmentalist. Despised by everyone in nearby Burnet, TX because she had local attraction Nigger Head Mountain, changed to "Colored" Mountain against their will.
- Michael Dell, ex-frat punk turned rich Jewboy. Best known for fucking over 7000 of his Dell serfs in 2001 by firing them when there was no need to do so because some fags working in mid-level management told him to do so, and *then* refusing to hire them back when he found out he'd fucked up.
- Matthew McConnaghey, claims to be an actor but is actually some stoner who hits all the tit bars and passing himself off as someone famous.
- ZZ Top, one of the shittiest "rock" bands ever to have been allowed to play their instruments, much less touch them. Proof positive that transients need to be exterminated on sight.
- Mark Spath, faggot city councilman who killed his wife with AIDS. His wife was Miss Kitty from Gunsmoke. Goddamn faggot bastard.
[edit] Events
Eeyore's Birthday: A gathering of hippies and mentals that frolic in a park to share stoner tips and celebrate Winnie the Pooh's Eeyore's creation day. What the fuck is that about?
Bob Marley Festival: An excuse for everyone to get high and pretend they're in Jamaica.
SXSW (South by Sofuckingwhat): How indie retards identify the next obscure band they will worship until they "sell out", i.e. "learn to play music". Most native Austinites despise it more than the pride parades and the tollroads combined.
