United States of Australia
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
THE DIGGADIGADOL PEOPLE.
As the world's largest jail, based on an early model that would later become Guantanamo Bay, it is comprised entirely of the still imprisoned distant relatives of Britain's worst criminals (tax dodging sheep fuckers) and other detritus (Aspies) and a haven for aspiring international terrorists. Occasionally a feisty young Osama fanboy such as David Hicks will go rogue and spend a few years in Gitmo, but that's OK because these noble heroes will always be welcomed home with open arms.
Unlike other previously invaded countries, Australians genuinely have weapons of mass destruction and control almost half the worlds Uranium which they will give to the highest bidder, no matter who they may be. If it doesn't make you vomit blood in horror that such incompetent drunks could destroy the world in an instant, the fact that they sell weapons of mass destruction to obvious terrorists is the most horrifying act of terrorism since 11/9. Nevar furget.[1]
Multiculturalism
Australians take great pride in their cultural diversity through such large gatherings as "The Sydney Race Riots" and legislation such as "The White Australia Policy", which luminously highlight the country's warm fuzzy feelings for coloured people. It was not long ago that famed racism ambassador Pauline Hanson, a.k.a. Hitler.au, was a serious political contender, until she was sent to prison for political incorrectness. She subsequently returned to reach the finals on Dancing With the Stars, even though she couldn't dance for shit, proving that she was in fact more popular than VB and meat pies.
Despite apparent opposition to Pauline Hanson, in all other cases racist politicians are rewarded for dealing with the abos and other coloured folk by whichever means necessary. This includes claiming that innocent refugees who very nearly died coming to Australia in a leaky boat to give their children a better life tried to kill their children for some reason. In fact, to roman shower this bullshit just before an election will guarantee you win.
Moreover, even whitie is not exempt from discrimination via these drunkards. It is virtually impossible to obtain a residence permit unless you knock up some Australian whore or are willing to sleep with a fat white middle aged or elderly man for at least 12 months - this is the preferred entry mode for lots of our little south east Asian sisters. Some Australian States legally recognise gender re-assignments, so lady bois can use the fat horny single old guy as an entry route too as long as they are willing to take the final chop and have at least size C implants. However, this is impossible if you so happen to be one of those in such a case you should be burnt at the stake along with the other witches according to the popular Family First political party.
All aspiring immigrants to Australia must now pass a Citizenship Test which accurately filters out dead economic ballast like Jews, Democrats, and fat bitches. This is achieved by looking for complex underlying knowledge of the national values which not even true Australians would have such as Mateship, The Fair Go, Voluntarism, Egalitarianism and Secularism. Persons who pass the test are given a free Australia: Love it or Piss Off insignia kit, and branded with a Southern Cross tattoo.
Australian Internets
The Australian government is VERY worried about your safety online. So serious that they are willing to waste millions of tax payer dollars advertising the most epic 84 million dollar porno filter the world has ever seen. Unfortunately said filter was quickly proven by a 16 year old boy to be a complete piece of shit. Good work Johnny. You did the country proud.
You too can download this mind easing tool which will 100% protect you from the horrors of the internet from netalert.gov.au. Beforehand however take note that it's at least 100% likely ED is blocked. Fucking kangaroo humpers.
In 2007 Ruddkips promised that if elected he would implement a world class "adult content" filter that if installed would monitor all internet traffic in Australia. Sound familiar? Ruddkips also has a degree in Asian Studies and speaks fluent Mandarin Chinese hence one can only deduce that Ruddkips is a filthy communist and must be purged before he can start setting up gulags.
The Great Firewall of Australia
In the style of his close friends in China, Ruddkipz plans to censor the internet in Australia despite everyone in the fucking world opposing the idea. The shitty idea will slow down Australia's already pathetic internets by an average of 30% and block all content not suitable for children. Say goodbye to internet porn and the *chans Australia, and possibly Encyclopedia Dramatica. Moar info here.
Of course if you are not retarded, you can probably figure out a way around it.
| — Phil Sweeney |
The list was recently leaked on wikileaks, it bans the ENTIRE encyclopediadramatica.com domain. It also includes several Wikipedia pages: a nonexistent page, A list of 'weird pictures' - NSFW, but no CP here, BALEETED!. This proves beyond doubt that all Australian politicians are Fucktarded, probably through all the incest rape.
More recently due to Ausfailia's outcry, Rudkips has decided that it was a stupid idea and has scraped it announcing that it was all just a joke. Feeling raped and betrayed, Ausfags slowly recovered and began to warm to Rudkips once moar, ONLY TO HAVE THEIR COLLECTIVE ARSE IMPALED BY THE NANNY STATE'S PERSONIFIED CAWK!. Turns out the filter is going ahead as planned, and they announced it in late December, too. Merry Christmas you pathetic cunts!
Broadband
Internets warrior Kevin Rudd recently pledged in his election pork-barreling campaign to give Australia world class internets (ADSL2+ to be exact FTTP nao, you fucking idiot) in the form of a $43 billion broadband network. This sent the media into a frenzy and caused many to realise just how old the ex-Prime minister John Howard was. This was not helped when little Johnny countered this grandiose plan by creating the epic porno filter which doesn't fucking work.
V&
Small Breasts
Upon viewing this material, you are now considered a pedophile and potential terror suspect by the Australian government. The Party Van is due to arrive at your house any moment now. Allow me to suggest your next course of action...
| —Aussie Pride, Worldwide |
Censored Blogs
On 3rd Feb, 2010, the South Australian government decreed that all bloggers over the election period must not blog anonymously, else risk jail. All bloggers must blog under their real name, and have that name submitted to a list for six months. The funny thing is, this law is completely constitution in Australia, a country without freedom of expression rights. Less than a day later however, the Attorney General repealed the law, likely due to the public's fist inserted up his ass.
Australian States and Territories
- Western Australia. Big, obnoxious, always threatening to secede. Basically Australia's Texas. Australia couldn't care less if the lumbering giant went through with its "I'M LEAVING FOREVER" emo tantrums, only to be reminded WA's sand makes up 95% of Australia's economy.
- Northern Territory. Grimey wasteland. BIG FUCKING ROCK. More grimey wasteland. Also boongs.
- South Australia. Old wowsers in crumbly ass churches take pride in being the only state to which no convicts were sent. It is also universally recognised as a shitheap.
- New Zealand. Androgynous sheep-rooting hobbits. Unlike Oztrollia's convict past, the kiwis were founded by christfags. New Zealand now has a larger prison population than Australia. To curb this trend, the NZ government is sending failboats of maori to Australian shores.
- Queensland. It's like the deep south but tropical. Actually that's an insult to the deep south. At least there you can have an abortion without being thrown in jail for 7 years. Queensland is also famous for its police force, which has enacted many rational and progressive policies such as torching a house "under the suspicion" the residents may have marijuana, and beating people unconscious with batons, just 'cause. Its capital Brisbane is a sweaty, seedy shithole. "Brisbane was the closest thing to a heavy, heavy, junta-style police state I've ever been in. I was looking over my shoulder a lot!" - Jello Biafra
- Australian Capital Territory. Politicians live here. All of 'em are fuuuuuucken kents.
- Victoria. Three kinds of people live here: hipster jew faggots sipping soy lattes at art gallery openings, poofy eurasian scenesters doing the ketamine-induced shuffle on top of trams, and agro bogan cunts who spend their days glassing the two previous groups in the face. Tourists flock to Melbourne (moar like Melburn, amirite) to experience art, cuisine, and multicultural harmony.
- New South Wales. Sandniggers, curryniggers, yellowniggers, niggerniggers, and convictniggers living side by side in a vast ghetto sprawl. Someone nuke that shit. Oh, and there's also a big bridge. Don't forget the big bridge.
- Tasmania. Recently sold to Denmark.
- Antarctica. Ausfags have a thing for vast empty spaces of infertile nothingness. So the other day they sent some guy to claim the south pole as official territory of Oz. Plans are underway to convert it into a prison island for British tourists that whinge about the heat.
Australia <3's Islam
As the 1990s drew to a close with the climax of Pauline Hanson's "One Nation" party, the traditional Australian past time of bashing Asian refugees lost its shine, as the nation realised it was in fact lucky to be getting such cheap, high grade Vietnamese heroin, and that their grub wasn't too bad after all. Clearly with no influence from the American motherland, Aussie thought laterally and with a bit of ingenuity, voila, found a new, largely untapped minority to marginalise, Australian-Lebanese Muslims (translation- loyal, personal ambassadors of Osama Bin Laden). This method of inducting newfags into the clan goes back to the Irish, then wogs mid-century, and now present day muzzies. In the interests of preserving cultural heritage, it will no doubt continue in the future.
Here are some views and reactions of the forever reasonable, outward looking, open minded Australian public...
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Common Assumptions Facts About Australians
- Enjoy throwing their
shrimps(it's prawns you fucking seppo cunt) on barbies. - Constantly get wasted on tons of their Australian beer.
- Have only 5 internets connections.
- Are the world's greatest nuclear threat and the world's biggest polluters, which is hilarious given how erratic and deadly their climate already is. Enjoy your Road Warrior wasteland.
- Abort their young soon after birth via dingoes, and have now gained the ability to throw 4 year old children off bridges.
- All live in the desert holding knives 24/7 with accents thicker than Ron Jeremy on benzadrine.
- Are all racist closet klansman with a tendency to riot.
- Fuck kangaroos at every given opportunity to keep up with New Zealand sheep fucking.
- Kill thousands of innocent stingrays because Steve Irwin was fucking stupid enough to touch one.
- Are fat, lazy, stupid cunts.
- All the women are named Sheila, Shazza, or Cheryl.
- Most blokes (men folk) are named Bazza, Robbo, or Poiter.
- Australian culture is a fusion of the very worst American, British and Irish traits.
- Australian
womencumdumpsters are hot as fuck (especially Danniand Kylie), which is a redundant statement. - Are all part of the chemo that is curing /b/.
Typical Australians
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Australian Television
Great Australians
Other Australians
- Geoffrey Leonard - Sexually abused a sixteen-year-old boy and his thirteen-year-old brother "beyond belief." After serving his prison term, he wrote several books; all of which are, apparently, about "molesting young boys."
- Crocodile Dundee - Australia's official national treasure as of 2008.
- Albert Einstein.
- Josef Fritzl - Australia's ex-king, current prime minister.
- The Teenage Kings of Werribee - Young social and political activists and representatives of the Australian culture, expected to form the next government of the country.
- Marty Bryant - Famous traveller and Australia's current IRL Unreal Tournament deathmatch champion; scored 35 frags and 19 hits in the 1996 Port Arthur Tournament.
- Steve Irwin - Crocodile rapist who was pwnt by a fucking STINGRAY.
- Ivan Milat - Typical helpful and friendly Aussie, always willing to help out a tired tourist, asking for nothing but some fun and frolicking in return. Did his part to improve the world by decreasing the amount of the English and Germans in it.
- Rupert Murdoch - Controls Faux News, the world's most trusted media network. You can always rely on FOX to cum down your throat.
- Steven Conroy - Minister for Censorship and Pandering to Religious Shitheads, aka Defender of faith, Protector of children, and Saviour of all mankind. He is single-handedly editing all wikis to remove all the "naughty bits".
- Michael Atkinson - Just another senile cuntface summoned from the bottom rung of hell to make Ausfaglia even more shitty than it already is. Responsible for the wholesale banning of vidya, because it makes Raptor Jesus angry.
Native Animals
Kangaroo
A popular mode of transport in Australia, the Kangaroo (pronounced KAN-ga-ROO) is a cute and fluffy creature that can absolutely rape the shit outta you like Mike Tyson on speed. They bounce around on their back legs and can knock you out with a punch. The said creatures venture through the bush and deserts, looking for something to eat, and an Aboriginal to kick the shit out of. Some may confuse a kangaroo for a wallaby, and even though they're different, nobody gives a shit.
 Australians can be unpredictable and violent. |
 Typical kangaroos in the wild. |
 The so promised raep. |
Emu
Emus are trolling Gods of the animal kingdom. After millennia of pwning (and being worshipped by) neanderthals, the large flightless bird moved on to the white man and proceeded to wreak havoc on outback communities by eating all the crops and stampeding through like a giant tumbleweed of win. This culminated with the Australian government declaring war on the Emu. For cereal. Like some other wars, the Emu War failed. "The Emu command had evidently ordered guerrilla tactics, and its unwieldy army soon split up into innumerable small units that made use of the military equipment uneconomic." - TOW. Emus: 1, Shitfaced Convicts with Machine Guns: 0.
 revert, b& |
 An albino emu. He feels good man. |
 Why so emo? |
Koala
Contrary to popular belief, a koala is not a fucking bear. It eats all your trees and sleeps most of the time. Well known for their cuteness and cuddliness, koalas often drop from trees and kill people on impact. They also produce a loud roar that will make you cry. Protip: Japanese schoolgirls cannot resist the koala's kawaii ^-^', which can be exploited by certain people to its full potential.
 A koala tastes fine too! |
 When falling, some may use lightsabers. |
 Awesome Foursome hot koala buttsecks. |
Pauline Hanson
Accurate representation of the political views, and appearance of the average Australian.
How to Troll
- Confuse them for Germans.
- Say the Gallipoli campaign was less important to WWI than a dry fart in a trench.
- Invite them to see an Australian film.
- Say that Bart Vs. Australia was the best travelogue you've ever watched.
- Reply to any in depth political commentary on the Rudd government by saying a dingo ate your baby.
- Start every conversation with "Thank God for the USA".
- Apply your own culture's racial stereotypes to their television shows and advertisements.
- Ask them, "Why are the Lebanese so poorly treated in your country?"
- Tell them any Australian detention centre is worse than Guantanamo Bay.
- Tell them the Bali bombing was a forced meme.
- Tell them you love all their musicians - Alanis Morrisette, Neil Young, Rush...
- Tell them their version of football is gay.
- Purposely confuse their flag with the New Zealand flag.
- If you hear them talk, tell them they sound British.
- Remind them they are the spawn of convict buttrape (disregard that, that's their greatest source of pride).
Great Australian Bake Sale
The Great Australian Bake Sale of 2009 began in the Victoria region on the 7th of February when a group of ozzy /b/tards decided to raise money for moar internets by staging a bonfire and charging people $1A (about £0.00001) to roast marshmallows.
Sadly, the aforementioned 'tards got so caught up in watching old episodes of Sons & Daughters that they didn't watch the BBQ properly and things got a bit out of hand.
Many people tried to hide from the flames but due to a recent outbreak of AIDS, most pools were unfortunately closed.
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 How the fire was believed to have been started |
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Gallery
| Gallery of Australia | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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External Links
- Official site of the United States of Australia
- Popular Australian pastime (AIDS)
- ninemsn article on this article
- Australia is now the fattest country in the world
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