BILLY MAYS
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Billy Mays used to be an American Hero famous for his TV sales pitches that taught generations of outstanding citizens a wide range of ass-kicking products and for knowing how to live life to the fullest. You probably knew Billy Mays as that guy in the blue shirt that was always screaming at you about the awesomeness of his products from behind your television screen during infomercials, thus intimidating you into calling in and purchasing something you didn't actually need. It is this unnerving high pitched squealing that has earned him Consumerama's "Naked Mole Rats of Marketing Award" in the lulzy field of "Shameless Consumer Abuse". Shortly before his death, he starred in a TV show called Pitchmen, about his career.
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In addition to his work in marketing some of the baddest household cleaning/maintenance shit the world has ever seen, Mays was also an early pioneer and expert in the field of EXTREME ADVERTISING, due to his aggressive marketing style and unexplainable need to always speak in ALL CAPS. He was additionally somewhat notable for looking like a bear but was "not gay" according to TOW.
| —And that's from fucking Wikipedia so you know it's true. - TOW |
Billy Mays died just days after Michael Jackson, also from a heart attack, at the same age of 50. This was most likely Kira's doing, because he is a fucking egotistical bastard.
Typical Infomercial
Billy Mays usually captured his audience's attention by busting on to the set of the infomercial like the Kool-Aid man on crack and began yelling about the amazing power of whatever random gizmo he happened to be peddling that day. Those viewers who hadn't suffered shock-induced heart attacks or fled the room in terror were now completely enamored by Billy Mays' marketing pitch. Mays then went on to demonstrate how astounding his product was and how you couldn't possibly go about your pathetic existence without it. He accomplished this through many means, his deafening vocal style being one of them. Mays also resorted to stringing together a bunch of nursery school rhymes about the product (he was probably the only grown man who could get away with this) or throwing together over-elaborate "practical" demonstrations and showing how his product could overcome them with ease.
For instance, say Mays was marketing a carpet cleaner; for a demo, he would bust into your house and spill a jug of red wine and a bucket of sheep's blood on your carpet, then piss on it just for good measure. He'd then break out the ZORBEEZ!. And like magic, that stain had its ass handed to it on a platter. But before leaving with just a simple goodbye and a phone number, Billy Mays would continue his assault on your auditory senses and promise to double triple sextuple the offer for FREE! And he'd even throw in some Mighty Putty, a couple Hercules Hooks, an Awesome Auger, and a handjob, all for the low, low price of $19.95 - BUT ONLY IF YOU CALL WITHIN THE NEXT 30 SECONDS!
Because they didn't film these things ahead of time and run them continuously, you know.
TRIBUTE AND INFORMATIONAL VIDEOS
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Billy Mays and the Internet
When Billy Mays was not scamming people out of money, yelling at random strangers, or insulting your masculinity, he could be found lurking the internet. Due to Mays' reputation for being the loudest salesperson on the face of the planet, he has gained quite a bit of popularity here on the Internets.
Billy Mays can still be found shouting on a wide variety of websites from the grave, as he has been a recurring meme for years on such sites as YTMND, YouTube, and everywhere in between. In addition, many YouTubers have created parodies and tributes to Mays, but they're all painfully unfunny, because the creators fail to realize that you cannot beat perfection.
Mays has gained a notable amount of attention from 4chan, as well, and he is often used in the making of copypasta. For instance:
HI /b/, DISREGARD RULES 1 AND 2 BECAUSE... BILLY MAYS HERE FOR OXI-CLEAN. I'VE HEARD A LOT OF SHIT ABOUT THIS PALMOLIVE BULLSHIT, AND I'M HERE TO CLEAR ALL THAT UP. YOU FUCKING NIGGERS KNOW THAT OXI-CLEAN WILL TAKE THE HAIR RIGHT OFF YOUR DOG'S BALLS AND ASS, LEAVING THE SKIN FRESH AND KISSABLE. OXI-CLEAN MAKES UGLY BITCHES DO-ABLE, AND I PERSONALLY PUT TWO SCOOPS IN MY COFFEE EVERY MORNING. IN CONCLUSION, FUCK YOU. FUCK THAT OLD BITCH. FUCK PALMOLIVE.
Billy Mays is the primary contender to George Zimmer's throne of ALL CAPS copypasta rants, and the channers often roleplay the two engaging in epic battles of wit and manliness, usually to very lulzy effects. Mays gained even higher standing amongst the /b/tards when, in June 2008, a very delicious piece of copypasta was made in honor of Mr. Mays:
HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH KABOOM. DO YOU HAVE LOTS OF DIRTY SHIT IN YOUR HOUSE THAT NEEDS ALL CLEANED UP? THEN BUY SOME OF THIS GODDAMN KABOOM. THIS SHIT COULD CLEAN THE WARTS OFF YOUR SISTER'S VAGINA. YOU CAN PUT SOME KABOOM ON YOUR DICK, AND IT'LL GROW THREE INCHES. FUCK.
IN A FEW MINUTES, THERE WILL BE A GODDAMN NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN. CALL THAT SHIT AND BUY SIX JUGS OF THIS FUCKING KABOOM AND WE'LL THROW IN A SAMURAI SHARK AND SOME GODDAMN ZORBEEZ. WHAT ARE ZORBEEZ? YOU BEST BE JOKING, NIGGER. THOSE FUCKING TOWELS CAN SOAK UP LIKE A GALLON APIECE. YOU'LL PROBABLY NEED THEM AFTER YOU SHARPEN YOUR FUCKING SCISSORS WITH THE SAMURAI SHARK. BECAUSE YOU'LL SIMULTANEOUSLY SHIT, PISS, AND EJACULATE IN YOUR PANTS. HOW DO YOU PISS AND EJACULATE AT THE SAME TIME? FUCK YOU, THAT'S HOW. CALL ME NOW AND I'LL STOP YELLING. NEVERMIND, I CAN'T STOP SO FUCK YOU. I'M GONNA GO JACK OFF WITH SOME ORANGE-GLO SO PEACE OUT NIGGERS.
SO CALL 1-800-781-7529 NOW AND TELL THEM BILLY MAYS SENT YOU
THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS 1-800-781-7529
THATS ONE EIGHT ZERO ZERO SEVEN EIGHT ONE SEVEN FIVE TWO NINE
CALL NAO!
The above piece of writing represents the culmination of Mays' life work and is a prime example of his excellence in the field of EXTREME ADVERTISING. We salute you, Billy Mays.
The above copypasta has also been applied to other things, such as:
Nutella:
HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH NUTELLA. DO YOU HAVE LOTS OF UNTOPPED BREAD IN YOUR HOUSE THAT NEEDS SOME SMEARING UP? THEN BUY SOME OF THIS GODDAMN NUTELLA. THIS SHIT COULD CLEAN THE UNTASTEFULNESS OFF YOUR SISTER'S VAGINA. YOU CAN PUT SOME NUTELLA ON YOUR DICK, AND IT'LL GROW THREE INCHES. FUCK.
IN A FEW MINUTES, THERE WILL BE A GODDAMN NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN. CALL THAT SHIT AND BUY SIX CANSOF THIS FUCKING NUTELLA AND WE'LL THROW IN A SAMURAI SHARK AND SOME GODDAMN POCKY. WHAT ARE POCKY? YOU BEST BE JOKING, NIGGER. THOSE FUCKING "CANDIES" CAN MAKE LIKE A BILLION WEEABOOS BE EVEN GAYER. YOU'LL PROBABLY NEED THEM AFTER YOU FUCK YOUR FUCKING SISTER WITH THE POCKY. BECAUSE YOU'LL SIMULTANEOUSLY SHIT, PISS, AND EJACULATE IN YOUR PANTS. HOW DO YOU PISS AND EJACULATE AT THE SAME TIME? FUCK YOU, THAT'S HOW. CALL ME NOW AND I'LL STOP YELLING. NEVERMIND, I CAN'T STOP SO FUCK YOU. I'M GONNA GO JACK OFF WITH SOME ORANGE-GLO SO PEACE OUT NIGGERS.
SO CALL 1-800-781-7529 NOW AND TELL THEM BILLY MAYS SENT YOU
THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS 1-800-781-7529
THATS ONE EIGHT ZERO ZERO SEVEN EIGHT ONE SEVEN FIVE OVER 9000 NINE
CALL NAO! NEVAAA!!!!11ELEVEN1ONE1!
And underage girls:
HEY GUYS, IT'S BILLY MAYS HERE WITH UNDERAGE GIRLS. ARE YOU TIRED OF SECOND HAND VAGINA AND LOOSE PUSSY? THEN FUCKING GET SOME OF THIS UNDERAGE GIRLS. THIS JAILBAIT'S BIRTH CANAL IS SO TIGHT IT CAN TURN A FIVE POUND BAG OF SPUDS INTO MASHED POTATO'S. THIS SHIT IS SO FRESH THAT NOT EVEN FUCKING A LOAF OF BREAD FEELS THIS GOOD. THESE GIRLS ARE SO FLAT THAT THEIR FUCKING NIPPLES LOOK LIKE SOMEONE DREW THEM UP ON CRAYONS. THEY'RE NIPPLERS ARE AS FUCKING HARD AS MIGHTY PUTTY! FUCK!
IN A FEW MINUTES, I'M GOING TO WRITE NUMBERS ON THESE GIRLS BREASTLESS TITS. HOW CAN I DO THAT? FUCK YOU, THAT'S HOW. CALL THIS NUMBER IN FIVE MINUTES AND WE'LL THROW IN A FUCKING SACK OF ORGASMING GOPHERS! HOW THE FUCK DID WE GET ORGASMING GOPHERS? WE SHOWED THEM FUCKING PAMELA ANDERSON WEARING A PETA SHIRT YOU NIGGER. CALL IN ONE MINUTE AND WE'LL ALSO THROW IN SOME FUCKING KABOOM SO YOU CAN CLEAN OUT THOSE BITCHES VAGINA SO YOU CAN USE THEM OVER AND OVER...AND IT'LL SMELL LIKE A FUCKING PINESOL. IT'S LIKE HAVING SEX WITH EVERY TREE IN A FOREST AT THE SAME TIME. IT'S LIKE FUCKING A HALLOWED OUT PINECONE WHILE LISTENING TO DREAM THEATER.
I'M WRITING THIS FUCKING NUMBER NOW, SO CALL THIS SHIT AND ORDER THESE GOD DAMNED PUBELESS FUCKS. WE'LL GET YOUR SHIT, AND WITHIN TWO WEEKS YOU'LL HAVE A BOX ON YOUR DOORSTEP. IF YOUR NEIGHBORS ASK WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THE BOX TELL THEM BILLY MAYS SENT IT AND TO SHUT THEIR FUCKING VAGINAMOUTHS OR ELSE YOU'LL SHOVE AN EIGHTEEN FOOT LIZARD UP THEIR ASS. THAT'S A BIG FUCKING CROCODILE, YOU IGNORANT FUCK!
FUCK THIS PERMANENT MARKER IS OUT OF INK AND I DON'T WANT TO STARE AT GIRLS CHESTS ANYMORE. IT'S LIKE I'M LOOKING AT A SHIRTLESS EIGHT YEAR OLD ASIAN BOY. FUCK WE SELL THAT TOO.
SO CALL 1-800-781-7529 NOW AND TELL THEM BILLY MAYS SENT YOU
THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS 1-800-781-7529
THAT'S ONE EIGHT ZERO ZERO SEVEN EIGHT ONE SEVEN FIVE TWO NINE
CALL NOW!
What the Internets are Saying
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Billy Mays and Forum Freaks
| —Wild Starchild |
Goodnight Sweet Prince
All good things come to an end. In tragic fashion, the last life to end in this tragic week has been the life of a legend. A truly epic person whose presence in this world brought us valuable information about cutting-edge house cleaning technologies. On Saturday, 27 June of 2009, Billy Mays had just finished shooting a brand new Oxi-Clean infomercial in the city of brotherly love, Philthadelphia. On the return flight to his home in Florida, the airplane suffered a blown tire upon landing and skullfucked everyone. Billy was struck in the head by flying luggage.
| —Billy Mays |
Later that evening, he was seen functioning well, even discussing the latest sell-a-thon against that German nancy with his father-in-law and snorting blow off of top of a bottle of Orange-Glo. Ultimately, later that night, Billy Mays succumbed to the void. In the morning, he was found dead, with his tongue hanging out, and a note in his hand saying "BILLY MAYS HERE. NIGGA STOLE MY ATTENTION!!!!!!!".
BILLY MAYS DAY
Founded on the day of his death, June 28th 2009, Billy Mays day has quickly grown to a worldwide phenomenon celebrating the life of the TV pitchman star.
Annually, to show respect for the greatest infomercial personality of all time, internet followers celebrate this day by typing completely in capital letters all day, emulating the booming voice of the beloved pitchman. It is also celebrated and recognized internationally by some on the 4th of July every year since 2009.
/b/illy
In honor of the first MAYSDAY, celebrated on Monday, June 29th 2009, Moot changed the name of /b/ to "/b/ILLY MAYS". There was much rejoicing. Yes there was....
Community's Response
The most talked about topic on the whole of Twitter on this day led to the creation of the "ALLCAPSFORBILLY Group", spreading the word about Billy Mays Day. Popstar/pedophile Michael Jackson's passing was fortunately overshadowed by the death of the world's most famous and adored TV pitchman only 3 days after the same thing at the same age of death.
Sainthood
On the night of August the 5th a post was started by a /b/tard to honor dear Billy by moving him into the official rank of Patron Saint of Holy Relics and Amazing Offers. He was honored and all was good. Much cocaine was snorted, and many heart attacks were to be had.
Tributes
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Links
Gallery
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See Also
- ALL CAPS
- Cillit Bang
- Copypasta
- EXTREME ADVERTISING
- EXTREME ANIMALS
- Font size=5
- George Zimmer
- Shamwow
- Wise Beard Man
External Links
- Billy Mays Picture Pack on rapidshare - Use to spam copypasta.
- Billy Mays on YTMND
- Billy Mays Insane Tribute Site
- Britfag-Gay version of Mays on 7chan
- Billy Mays tribute page on blogspot - Lots of delicious copypasta
- His own TV show - Prepare to have your ears bleed.
Actual Infomercials
Sandstrom OnTV - an actual store to buy all the shit he tries to sell on TV
User-made Videos
"Wonder Bulge" - A surprisingly well-done parody
Billy Mays attacks Garry's Mod
 to this topic for græt justice.
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