Bailout Plan
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| This page has potential but it needs a lot of work. It could benefit from Moar shoops, moar Paulson, less harbl, moar lulzy applications for over $9,000 in bailout money: http://blogs.abcnews.com/theworldnewser/2008/11/want-some-gover.html.. Discuss edits that might add to the lulz on this article's talk page. |
Over the course of September and October of 2008, the Jewnited States of Americunts took a giant shit as teh Juden fucked off for Ramadan - or some Hebe shit - and let Wall Street crash and burn like the Hindenburg.
The collapse of America's much vaunted free market economy, has been the source of many lulz around the globe from South America to Europe, as they laugh at the American Empire that has spent the last eight years pissing on the rest of the world with girlish glee. Sadly, unlike the last time America's economy took a shit and died (in the Great Stock Market Crash of 1929), the rich white affluent assholes who caused the mess didn't do the honorable thing and fucking kill themselves via syncronized suicide via jumping out of tall buildings, but instead went crying to Uncle W to beg for millions and millions of dollars so that they can secure their end of the year bonuses and the expensive day spa vacations they previously planned but would have to cancel if they don't get their money.
The causes of the current crisis are varied and complex, but its roots lie in the bust of the housing bubble in early 2007, as thousands of middle/upper-middle class white assholes found themselves being kicked out of their homes after they failed to pay their mortage bills. Prior to this "bust", the philanthropic lenders of Wall Street had gone out of their way to help the great unwashed masses of the middle classes live the American Dream - which is to say living in a McMansion and running around acting like millionaires with kids in private schools and three to five SUVs in the driveway and a plasma screen High Definition TV that costs more than most poor people make in a year - even if they had no God-damn way to fucking afford it.
| —Investment adviser to daytime television viewers, psychic Sylvia Browne @2:18 |
When the white yuppie scum and their minority counterparts (poor hispanic and black people) failed to keep up with the payments on their mortgages (see TL:DR Glossary below), the lenders kicked them out and seized their houses (aka "assets"). Most of these seizures were done by legal trickery, as far as loans that had low payments for the first couple of payments then ballooned to huge sums that middle class yuppies couldn't afford, what with the rising price of gas, food, and other bullshit they bought to fill their shallow, soulless lives with.
This further hurt the housing market, which in the last decade was warped with the unrealistic expectation that ANYONE could buy a house, fix it up, and sell it for twice the price that the house was originally bought for. The process, knowing as "flipping" hinged on the notion that the price for the house being bought would be recoupped by charging twice the asking value for it, which would cover the price for buying the house for the seller and leave them a tidy profit as well.
Banks meanwhile would artificially keep this "housing boom" going by selling mortages back and forth, using the value of the houses as leverage as far as foreclosing on them and selling them after their owners failed to pay their mortage. This would keep going until the lenders found themselves with mortages that no one could pay, with houses that were worth a fraction of how much they were proclaimed to be worth, and generally fucked as far as the poison within their system costing them money and leading to nothing more than a steady stream of homeless white people, bitching to the media about how they don't have a home and are forced to live in the Motel 6 while they pray they don't lose their jobs and truly end up fucked.
Mothers call this form of self-ownage as "cutting off your nose to spite your face".
Contents |
[edit] The Credit Crunch
[edit] Basics
Capitalism and the free market economy are fundamentally based on loans (ie. credit) and trust. This is particularly true of the banking system because banks have a huge pool of cash (aka "liquidity") and - thus - have a shit load of other people's money sitting around to fuck with as they wish (and without your permission). So banks loan out money to each other and businesses, charging "interest" (aka gouging) to accumulate moar Jew Golds for themselves. This is where the "trust" factor comes in; the bank trusts that the borrower will pay back the loan and pay it back with interest. When people or businesses can no longer afford to pay off the loan and interest, that "trust" has been breached. Ordinarily, a bank can afford to absorb one or two hits like this since they are insured and it's just a drop in the bucket, but when it happens on a massive scale the banks tie the purse strings, lock the vault and say NO U! when someone comes looking for a loan. This is called a credit freeze or credit crunch.
[edit] Reaction
| —Typical Americunt (true comment!) |
After being bombarded with high-pitched, alarmist punditry on Faux News and MSNBC the taxpayers went batshit crazy when the House of Representatives presented their initial Bailout Bill to save the economy which expanded upon Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson's one page stick-up note demanding $700 billion and that nobody follow him or he'd shoot.
Even though most Americunts didn't/don't understand the fundamental principles of a free market economy, they suddenly became experts and became divided as everyone with a television show started spreading doom and gloom that the banks were going to all shut down and America was now going to become a third-world shithole, as karma for W's eight years of hell. Some said that the bail-out had to be done, preferably via rape without lube as far as allowing the government to demanding control over how the money was spent so that no one could cry that greedy Wall Street fatcats conspired with W to assfuck the American tax payer one last time before W left office. Others claimed that the bail-out shouldn't happen, either because they were all high off of paint fumes as far as refusing to admit that capitalism, especially Bush's brand of "Corporate America can do whatever they want and screw the average American who gets screwed over in the process" capitalism failed miserably and was about to destroy America and those who knew that the fat cats would scheme and conive their way into getting their money and fuck actually fixing the nightmare they helped created.
All of this would be well and good, but it was made even MORE ominous with the fact that 2008 was an election year for Congress AND the White House and that a financial crisis was the sort of doomsday scenerio that John McCain and white trash Gidget (IE Sarah Palin) was utterly unprepared and utterly incapable of dealing with. Barrack Obama meanwhile smiled and got up close with George W Bush, whispering sweet nothings in Bush's ears as he told Bush that he would go along with the bailout if Bush bent over and let Obama fuck him and fuck him good with his ten inch cock. McCain, who had taken Bush's own dick up the ass, then tried to demand that HE fix the economic crisis but when he started ranting about everyone needing to invest in the horse and carriage and the Stanly's Opera Hat Company, everyone broke forth into laughter as McCain realized that he was never going to become President now that Americans were more afraid of the economy than they were of the terrorists.
With both national and local elections coming in November, many House Democrats and Republicans in tight races "listened" and got the message loud and clear: if you vote against this bill, you will be b& by the voters in November. Of course, the Republicans successfully shot down the bill and got one more favorable towards their Wall Street Masters, as far as removing all oversight over how the money was spent (or even accounting where the money would go towards) andstuffing it with pork. This meant earmarking loot for their constituencies such as tax breaks and incentives for Hollywood studios to keep movies from being made in Canadia. Other add-ons to the new bill were tax exemption for wooden arrows designed for use by children and the suspension of taxes for the Wool Suit and Textile industry lobbyists (worth $148 million). They also decided NOT TO buy back the toxic mortages from the banks in order to restructure them so that people could (in theory) get back on track with paying for their mortages, with newer, restructured payment plans.
When this happened, the masses started to shit their pants as far as realizing that they were fucked over by Wall Street and that they would have to pay for it for at least three generations minimum as far as higher tax rates goes. Even Barrack Obama privately said "uh oh..." as he realized that the bail-out would basically straightjacket his entire Presidency as far as raising the national debt to unheard of new heights of fiscal irresponsibility, until he realized that he could just do what Bush did and make the national debt even higher and not give a fuck about balancing the budget to get his agenda passed.
[edit] The Stock Market
With the 24/7 news cycle screaming that the sky was falling, jittery investors (aka Joe Public) started selling off all the stocks they'd been conned into buying online by investment bankers and hedge fund managers like they were playing online poker. Others, who had been forced into investing in mutual funds when corporate America replaced the traditional pension plans with 401Ks, quickly called their Jew Gold managers and told them to GTFO the stock market and convert the money they had invested into cash.
This is a pretty good idea, even though most Americunts have no idea how the economy works or they wouldn't be gambling their retirement money in a glorified casino (aka the stock market). Howevar, as a result, stock markets all over the world started to shit bricks, losing epic amounts of cash. Accordingly, the publicly traded corporations that rely on Joe Public's loot to keep enriching their profit margins and their CEOs hard earned $50 million yearly contracts were left with stock worth less than zero, forcing many to go hat in hand to the government intervention and for cash money help (See: Socialism).
[edit] Why do I give a damn?
Ordinarily, international finance isn't really an everyday concern of the average b-tard, as such people are usually so full of religion that they're normally too busy saving children, giving their time to charity and working for women's rights to worry about such things.
Unfortunately, Congressional Democrats and President Bush managed to find common ground for the first time in 8 years by agreeing that the best way to bail out Wall Street was to bail out (more like failout, amirite?) Wall Street to the tune of $5,000 for every single American taxpayer. This was made slightly funnier, due to the fact that Paulson (in charge of the bail-out being executed) deciding NOT to buy the toxic mortages, meaning that thousands of poor jackasses who took out mortgages they couldn't afford so they could take their ten kids to Disneyland and buy a Dodge Proton, not realizing that they actually had to pay the money back are still buttfucked and will be sucking dick for motel room money soon.
[edit] Follow the Nose
As above, many think this dilemma is the by-product of less than honest business practices like giving sub-prime mortgages to people who obviously couldn't pay them off, or short selling, but that's apparently stupid.
There's something people are overlooking; What ethnicity has thrived most since 9/11? The Jews.
The Muslims had been severely weakened after the Jews' successful plot to blame WTC on the them, leaving a ethnic power vacuum that the Jews filled. Nobody would deal with Muslim businessmen anymore, for fear that they were connected with terrorists. This caused mass rejoicing and huge Jew orgies.
What came of these orgies is now known as a SuperJew. Their noses are three times as large as a normal Jew, giving them an enhanced ability to sniff out gold; They also throw thrice as many random Yiddish words into conversation, causing confusion to their traditional business partners, the WASPs.
Not able to conduct business anymore, the SuperJews banded together to create large gold theft rings. Unfortunately, these met with little success due to a recent decline in the usage of gold in favor of currency (a governmental safeguard, as Jews cannot smell bills).
They knew they needed more gold, but where could they get it? Iraq.
The SuperJews found they had also developed an ability to sniff out oil, and when a huge whiff of black gold came from Iraq, the SuperJews could hardly resist. In order to get more Jew golds and further tip the ethnic scale in favor of the Jews, the SuperJews sent minions to convince George W. Bush that Iraq had WMDs and Saddam helped do WTC. Easily confused, Bush trusted the SuperJews, and granted them the contract for the guarding of the oil pipelines as a symbol of his gratitude.
Ever since the start of the war, the Jews were siphoning oil into Israel, but after the regime fell, new opportunities presented themselves. They quickly got to work looting every building they could find and promptly sold everything on eBay.co.il. The proceeds were sent to Israel by wire transfer.
With half the world's oil in their clutches, the Jews tightened control of it to drive up prices of just about everything after all, there are Jewish companies in just about every industry. It didn't matter how much money they lost, because they still had the huge stash of Jew gold and Jew oil in Israel; Which is where they will retreat to when they finally do the economy.
[edit] SANDWICH CHEF IN THE HOUSE!
The Los Angeles Times reported on Sunday evening that Republican House Minority Leader John A. Boehner explained his considered opinion on the $700-billion Wall Street bailout plan:
| —John A. Boehner on the Bailout Bill |
This after his fellow Republican, Paul Broun of Georgia. initially rejected the bailout plan:
| —Rep. Paul Broun |
[edit] TL;DR: Glossary
- Mortgage: With a regular mortgage, you are a dumb fuck that thinks you have to have property to live the American Dream to the fullest. A bank lends you money to buy a house you can't afford based on your job, collateral, credit report and skin color. You plunk down all the cash you have as a down-payment and the bank covers the rest. After that, you move in and pay the bank money every month (aka "rent") and give them a healthy tip (aka "interest").
Example: You are a grubby middle class couple with three kids and dreams of living the sweet life of the rich via having a big McMansion sized house. But you are also swimming in credit card company, living from paycheck to paycheck even with your wife out working as well to afford the pseudo-life of the upwardly mobile yuppie. So after your "shitty" lifestyle causes months and months of impotence, you decide to get a mortage loan to go buy a McMansion and shut your fucking wife up about how what a loser you are and how if she could afford it, she'd divorce your ass and marry a rich guy and move up socially to the big mansion house she desires.
So finally, you give your wife a real estate guide and she picks out the expensive as hell McMansion of her dreams to shut the bitch up. You then go to the bank and they agree to give you a loan to help you buy the house.
- Sub-prime mortgages: Basically the scapegoat for Republicans, who want to blame everything on the minorities and not their perversion of capitalism to make the rich richer and the poor poorer. Basically, banks decide to lend money to people (often minorities but also whitey too) who don't have money, jobs, or any sort of ability to successfully pay off a mortage. This is considered
"predatory lending", since they often hornswaggle the ignorant poor into taking out the biggest loan that the banks can bullshit them into taking out, then waiting as they fail to make their payments (and if by some miracle they do keep up with their payments, nail them to the wall via the unaffordable balloon payment) and foreclose on their asses, ruining their credit and making them homeless scum too.
Most of this was possible by laws passed by the Jimmy Carter administration, abolishing the ability banks had to discriminate against poor minorities who were more often than not were casually dismissed from gaining loans from the banks, due to the prejudice that minorities=poor. Which in turn gives the Republicans the boogy man to blame Democrats for the whole mess. Of course, this failed when Democrats countered that the Republicans also deregulated the bank as far as removing any and all government oversight KEEPING them honest, under George Bush I's presidency.
- Bad Paper: See above.
- Exotic loans: See above.
- ""Balloon Payment:"" The catch all "fuck-you" of mortages and predatory lending: basically, you get a low interest, low monthly payment loan and all is peachy for the first couple of months. Then BLAMO! You get a bill for a payment that is two, three, fourth, sometimes FIVE times the amount of the original monthly payment you and the bank agreed upon. This is the balloon payment, which is how the banks make up for all of the money they didn't get with the first couple of payments you sent in. And 99.9% of the time, after the balloon payment is made, you say goodbye to the low interest, low monthly payments and end up having to pay twice or three times the amout you thought was due every month.
- Foreclosure: You can't pay your loan installment (aka "rent") for a couple of months and - just like an apartment - the landlord (in this case the bank) kicks you out on the street and keeps all the money you've given them. They now own the McMansion you think you owned (plus all the money you gave them) and drive around looking for another idiot to fill your
shoesmud hut. Rinse and repeat.
- Runs: Not to be confused with "jogging" or the shits, a run in financial terms is a bank or stock broker's worst nightmare. A run on a bank, for example, means that everyone who has money in that particular bank bumrushes the tellers to get all their savings back before the bank goes broke. If everyone does this, then the bank (who in truth only has X-Amount of money in it) is ruined and has to shut down, since they are flat out broke.
"Runs" were the stuff of nightmares in the Great Depression, wiping out entire banks as people opted to stuff their money in their mattresses or in glass jars. To get people to trust the no-good banks again, then President Franklin D. Roosevelt was forced to impliment new government policy where they will insure EVERYONE'S money up to $10,000, meaning if there is a run on a bank and you don't get there in time to get your life savings out before the bank closes for good, the government has to pay you all of your money back.
- Securities: Crappy overvalued houses once the bank has foreclosed on the "owner".
- Mortgage backed assets: See above.
- 700 billion dollars: Enough money to cover a football field in 4.85 feet of one hundred dollar bills having a total weight of 7,709 tons.[1]
[edit] /b/ank Run?
On Saturday October 2nd, a drunken /b/tard set forth a motion to /b/ that they PA the economy with a "run" (withdrawing all your Jew golds) on the banks. This was probably one of the stupidest ideas evar to grace the pages of /b/ since basement dwellers don't have any money much less bank accounts.
After much discussion, nobody cared. However, being the gremlins they are, Anon decided to draft a plan to ruin the global economy. The plan calls for all Anonkind to withdraw all their money from their banks regardless of what said bank accounts contain. This will undoubtedly cause the world's banking systems to collapse due to all bank employees quitting on the spot after being asked how much they liek Mudkips and being IRL Rickroll'd over 9000 times.
[edit] In Summation
[edit] See Also
| Bailout Plan is part of a series on Jews
|
Patriarchs Habitats Traditions H8s |
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