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Bear
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Bears are godless killing machines without a soul. After all, what ISN’T a bear? This is one of those completely useless and asinine questions that will clutter message boards and antiquated mailing lists for all of eternity. Simply asking will get you scoffed at derisively, laughed at, made fun of, told to shut the hell up, and given tons of haughty opinions, but not a real answer. A bear is a (usually) faggot who (often) has emphasized secondary sex characteristics such as (frequently) facial and body hair as well as a (most of the time) larger body frame. The bear scene is (sort of) a niche of the gay community that (originally) was an alternative to the shallow mainstream of gay culture that (from a certain view point) only accepted certain body types. Ironically, the bear scene now does the exact same thing, just with a different body type (sometimes). What to do if you see a bear If you see a bear, click
- Beef
- A catch-all for anything supposedly manly.
- Bear Grylls
- Nuff said
- Behr
- A big guy who can't grow a beard, or just doesn't grow one, but has a mustache.
- Big bear
- A glorified fatass. See christianhillbilly
- Black bear
- A bear that is black/African American. Not considered real bears because black people aren't considered real people.
- Cave
- A gathering place for bears to chat and hug and have lots of gay sex.
- Chaser
- A gay man that finds big bears and/or chubbies attractive.
- Cub
- A young idiot who'll suck any dick he sees. They are NOT cute.
- Daddy Bear
- This has to be spelled in all caps for some reason, or other bears will call you a noob. A DADDY BEAR is a bear who likes molesting children.
- Dani behr
- A tedious British TV presenter.
- Grr
- It doesn't REALLY mean anything, but if you don't say it the international bear society will kick you out for not beeing bearish enough.
- Hirsute
- A man that has excessive body hair to the point that it looks like a suit. See also Jon Stewart.
- Koala bear
- Eats, shoots and leaves.
- Leather bear
- A bear who is under the sad delusion that wearing tons and tons and tons of leather until you look exactly like Mr. Slave makes you more manly.
- Maul
- Unsolicited molestation by a bear. Or solicited molestation. Whichever.
- Muscle bear
- A bear who thinks he's too good to be called a fatass.
- Otter
- A hairy gay man that's slender, although
- Polar bear
- An old pervert who likes to touch little boys.
- Prime Number Shitting Bear
- A bear that shits prime numbers. There is usually one in every gay nightclub.
- Ursophile
- An otherwise normal gay man with the repulsive tendency to have sex with every fatass in sight.
- Wolf
- Don't tell anyone but it means EXACTLY the same thing as otter. They HATE having that pointed out.
- Woof
- This is another expression that has no real meaning but must be spouted every 3-5 seconds or the popular bears won't let you into their tree house.
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[edit] The history of bears
Back in the '70s there were fat men who hung out at gay discos. People called them bears because they were big and looked kinda like bears. This was actually an insult, but for some bizarre reason the faggots in San Fagcisco decided it was the next big trend, and created a line of priced to own merchandise that said "bear" on it (which you have to own or you're not a real bear). When the internets was invented in 1995 a bunch of pretentious fags created a mailing list where bears could whine about how much sex they don't have, spout off bearisms like "woof" and "grr" and "meaty", debate what is and isn't a bear (and the jury's still out on that one), and generally wank about who's who in the bear clique.
[edit] Presence on the internets
Bears like to be on the internet, because then they don't have to be out in the real world where everyone else will make fun of them. As such, there have been many bear related websites, message boards, chatrooms, newsgroups, LJ groups, and other such "social" hubs. Some of the more famous ones include:
- The Bear Mailing List
- This was the first way for obese men to woof at each other over the internet and argue over what the word "bear" means.
- alt.sex.bears
- A newsgroup. All the usual newsgroup dynamics apply (read: flame wars, drama, arguments about inane topics, etc.)
- #bearcave on IRC
- An IRC chatroom where obese men could woof at each other in real time. This was considered a great breakthrough as it allowed obese men to have cybersex without needing to pretend they were 15 year old blonde girls. Also known as EFnet's best warez channel, featuring all the best 0sec games, music, and movies on superfast bots by easily tricked n00bz.
- planetbears.com
- A website where attention whores could post pictures and movies of themselves having sex with obese men and forever shame their families.
- bear411.com
- An internet hookup website that provides a nexus for obese men to conveniently look for other obese men in their area and have sex with them. An excellent tool for stalkers. Functions similar to myspace in that old fat men will look at your profile and then proposition you for sex while adding you to their friend list. Bear411 is runned by a racist pig.
- cubby talk
- A new series on you tube where two stuck up cubs complain about the larger bear community not accepting them because of their age. They also talk on and on about utterly useless information.
- thefreek
- A deformed monkey who is an attention whore. He is usually seen sucking up to the bear community.
[edit] The future of bears
Scientists and crackpot psychics have proven to us that bears will one day become our overlords. Scientists have finally agreed on the scientific fact that "nothing is immune to bear". An underground group of counter-bear freedom fighters are working ahead of time to save our society from the menace to come.
[edit] What you can do to help save our race from bears
Distract them with donuts, then ask them what a bear is. This will cause so much infighting (and eventual flamewars) that the bears will be unable to pose any real threat to our civilization.
[edit] Bear Gallery
 A revolting film about a grizzly bear that likes to maul urosphiles]][[Image:CubsFlag.jpg|thumb|right|What is it with baseball and gay sex, anyway? |
 Ursinus Pedophilius |
 Some bears are not this easy to spot! |
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 Don't Feed the Bears |
 CHB: rare species of psycho bear |
 What Bears do at a typical bear run |
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 In ur bush, pooping |
