Mexico
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Mexico is the land of hallucinogenic chili peppers, tequila, and nachos. And, of course, the Mexicans.
[edit] History
Over 9000 years ago, the ancient Mayans moved to Mexico, which was a big fucking mistake. They were savage people living a savage lifestyle; they would slice off people's cocks with leaf blowers and eat them just to appease the "Sun God." They created a disorganized, disgruntled group of small villages lacking any contact with the outside world, and things quickly went downhill from there. In the 16th century, the Aztecs were utterly pwned by the Spanish, though the Mayans kept their own land for the next 170 years (and live there still, kidnapping the odd tourist and gibbering about the glory of human sacrifice). The Mayans like to think of themselves as pretty cool, but really it was the Aztecs that had all the gold, while all the Mayans had was a bunch of boring het slashfic about their feathered serpent god Quetzalcoatl.
The term "Mexican" is actually a misnomer and a crude generalization, since Mexicans can come from Guatemala, Honduras, Nicaragua and other places where the brown man performs ritual sacrifices to his voodoo gods.
In the 19th century, Texas was stolen from Mexico by white people who later handed it over to the United States. Knowing opportunity when he saw it, whitey then invaded the rest of Mexico, acquiring what would become several other states. It was during this period that the U.S. accidentally captured New Mexico, which the U.S. has unsuccessfully been trying to give back for 150 years.
Modern Mexicans are a strange race, adept at copyright violation and masked wrestling. While there have been few examples of Mexican celebrities finding overseas success, prominent Mexican citizen Chupacabra enjoyed brief fame in the 1990s. And of course, there's always Ricardo Montalban.
[edit] Geography
Mexico is located under the United States, as it is the U.S.'s bitch.
[edit] Present
Modern Mexico is in a sad, lulz-less state. In the late 1990s, the ruling PRI government began distributing maps, first aid kits and fake IDs to select households to encourage the systematic immigration of the entire populace to the United States, an initiative dubbed "Vete a la Chingada de Aquí." In the interim, Mexico is used primarly as a storehouse for drugs, guns and whores. Especially whores. It is also where over 90% of Americans dump their shit, making Mexico the garbage dump of the world (just behind Detroit).
Illegal immigrants that are apprehended by the man are invariably sent back to Mexico (or Meh-hi-ko, as it is pronounced in their primitive tongue). While many favor this initiative, the resulting labor shortage would force whitey to do all those jobs typically filled by the Mexican, actually getting his hands dirty with work in the janitorial, landscaping or lunch-serving fields. As we all know that will never happen, U.S. officials currently have a "revolving door" border policy with Mexico, meaning that once deported, illegal immigrants are free to sneak back over when no one is looking (but not when noone is looking).
[edit] Beaner Creation Myth
Beaners (an honorific term for a Mexican, one that praises the healthy tint of his skin) believe that they are the children of Quetzcoatl, the Aztec sky and creation god. The truth, however, is that they are the product of their parents fucking. And those Mexicans do a lot of fucking, amirite? It is, however, possible to artificially create a "Messican," a sub-set of the Mexican race.
[edit] Recipe for Messicans (Serves 1)
Takes: 2 - 3 days. Items needed: corn, needles, spoon, 2-3 drops of blood.
- Eat nothing but corn for 2 days.
- On the second or third day (depending on the schedule of your bowel movements), take a large dump somewhere dry, like a sidewalk or behind the house of your neighbor with that damn noisy dog.
- Add blood, preferably blood from your pooper.
- Mix with spoon.
- Utter the traditional battle cry, "Brrrryahahaaaa!"
- Congratulations, you have successfully created a Messican. Enjoy the cheap manual labor he will provide you!
[edit] E.Z.L.N.
Irl trolls, and Mexico's discount version of Al Qaeda. Known as Zapatistas, they are what you get when you colonize a country but don't kill its Indians (which is always a bad move).
[edit] Hispanics are a Fertile People
Hispanics have a proven history of having kids -- lots of them, and early. How early? Recently, one in Brazil gave birth to nine. (Link to Fox News, well known for its journalistic integrity.) The record, however, was set in 1939, when a five-year, seven-month-old girl gave birth, meaning she must've gotten bizzay when she was four. When entertaining a Mexican at home, it is always important to first inquire whether or not he or she intends to have sex with you or your children, as (much like the Japanese), fornication is simply a polite way of saying hello.
[edit] People named Jesús
You may be surprised to find that in Mexico, there is Jesus. Not the Jesus, but "Jesús," a common male name. While the two names initially appear similar, note that the Mexican version places a mark above the "u" (the meaning of which continues to puzzle linguists), and that the pronunciation is similar to "HAY-zoos." Some believe this is actually a corruption of "Hey, Zeus" and that the name began as a plea to the thunderbolt-wielding serial rapist from Greek mythology. Others think "ú" is simply a typo.
[edit] Mexicans in America
There's no denying it: there's a whole bunch of corn-loving, crop circle-making aliens in the U.S. Srsly. Statistics indicate that Mexicans make up 92.3% of the low-end prostitutes in the USA, selling taco-flavored kisses to make their way in a country that seems to be turning increasingly browner...
[edit] Mexicans in America 2: The Movie
Once in America, many Mexicans attempt to become more "American." This is accomplished mainly by buying Hollister clothes, celebrating Thanksgiving, and always using the word "dude." A good example of this can be found in Texas, specifically the city of San Antonio, which scientists overwhelmingly agree is in need of a good bombing. These same scientists are also puzzled by why the noticeably darker Mexicans (when compared with whitey) with bad English would think that wearing Hollister and constantly using the word "dude" would make them appear more "white," but it adds to their desire to see San Antonio bombed. It is a fact.
[edit] Mexicans in America 3: The Reality Show
America's first choice of music is overwhelmingly (c)rap (thank you, niggers, wiggers and chiggers. Your mother would be proud). Mexicans often listen to rap to appear "badass" and even profess to love it. The problem of not actually understanding English, however, was something of a problem, until enterprising young Mex-Americans created Spanish (or Spanglish) rap. Unfortunately, this is even gayer than original rap. It is in fact so gay that the only thing gayer is French rap, which is humiliatingly gay.
[edit] Mexican Weather
As a direct result of all the lawnmowers being produced in factories across Mexico, the weather is usually hot and dry. However, the vast number of Taco Bells provide a cool shade, as well as a welcome darkness for half of Mexico's population to have sex and/or rape in privacy. The other half, of course, are the ones being raped.
[edit] Absolut Lulz
Recently, the Swedish vodka company "Absolut" ran a controversial magazine/billboard ad in which they displayed a map of the borders of the United States and Mexico in the early 1800s prior to European conquest. On top of this map was the caption "In an Absolut World," with a bottle of vodka sitting in the corner. What this has to do with alcohol is beyond anyone's imagination, but it's not like commercials ever try to make sense, anyway. Like pussies, Absolut only ran the ad in Mexico, but enterprising Americans found out about it and immediately felt butthurt, demanding that the ad be pulled from circuit. Absolut, feeling both public pressure and troll's remorse, yanked the ad like the faggots they are. They did this mainly because they didn't want to lose their American market, which is much important to them (silly Absolut -- the Mexicans can't afford your liquor. Besides, all they drink is Tequila and Corona.)
While the incident was soon forgotten, evidence of this long-ago, brutal skirmish remains on the internets. On the one side of the Showdown of Stupidity were the fucktards who claimed the ad was disrespectful to Americans and that Absolut was run by a bunch of left-wing t'rrist supporters; on the other was the equally fucktarded opposition, composed mainly of hippies and beaners who like to yell about freedom of speech, stolen territory, and all that other shit that people just start to tune out after a while. Below are some links to Absolut-gate, replete with drama, lulz, and retardation.
[edit] YouTube
- Some senile old farts discuss the topic on CNN
- Absolut apologizes
- To err is human, to forgive is Un-American
[edit] Fact of the Day
Villian Khan from Star Trek was in fact a Mexican. Trek producers were trying to find a really scary racial stereotype and rejected a Viking, a Borg, and a Nazi before settling on Khan as we know him today. In the episode "Viva Khaaan!!!!," Khan (real name: Rodolfo Neri Vela [1] ) is Mexico's first (and subsequently only) astronaut, who in 1985 steals the Space Shuttle Atlantis, and then tries to steal the Enterprise from gringo Captain Kirk after a three-century siesta. In a historical cross-cultural TV love scene, Khan is permitted to kiss a ginger, an act not repeated until "Desperate Housewives." In actuality, there are no Mexicans on any of the Star Trek episodes because, as one could guess, Mexicans don't want to work in the future either.
[edit] A Mexican's Career Options
- 4chan admin
- Aztec high priest
- Bad comedian
- Bassist for Metallica
- Bullfighter
- Criminal
- Day laborer
- Drug dealer
- Fruit vendor
- Gardener
- Gum salesman
- Graffiti "artist"
- Illegal immigrant
- Janitor
- Lazy assistant to white high school Spanish teacher
- Low-budget cartoon character
- Midget for hire
- Politician/Cheater
- Professional job thief
- Roadside flower pusher
- Tiger feeder
- Very bad comedian
- Welfare recipient
- Whore
- Worker at Taco Bell
- Your mom
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