Beowulf
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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Beowulf is an Olde English epic poem by Anonymous from over 9000 years ago. At 3,183 lines, it is most notable for being a TL;DR piece of crap.
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[edit] Beowulf
Beowulf is a mighty spell for turning white boys from snickering goons into people. Unfortunately, Junior High English is usually taught, nowadays, by a very nice middle-aged lady who did her Master's degree on Jane Austen. Having no pedophile in her at all, her teaching of The Beowulf is invariably fail. There are no Jews whatsoever in Beowulf. If one of the Oriental Gentlemen had appeared in Anglo-Saxon England, it would have been killed for meat. Beowulf is also notable for containing the first appearance of the word "sleac" in literature. The rhythmic structure of Beowulf is so marked and regular that folks in the Mid-West still square-dance to recordings of it. The dragon attempted to edit his entry in Beowulf by burning the sole manuscript with fire. Before the advent of WikiScanner, this was passed off as a natural disaster.
[edit] Shit no one cares about. And spoilers. Spoilers that no one cares about.
In the poem, Beowulf, hero of the Geats, is taken on to fight Grendel, who is ruining trade at a Danish mead bar. He rips off Grendel's arm, leaving him unable to jerk off. When G runs home to get relief from his mother, BW follows and offs them both. BW gets to be king, and is later mortally wounded by an unnamed dragon in the final battle - it's an Anglo-Saxon Matrix Revolutions - and after his death his body is burned in a massive funeral pyre built upon the treasures taken from the dragon's keep.
[edit] Films no one cares about.
A shoddy attempt at producing an entertaining version of Beowulf came out in 2007, this time featuring a disturbingly naked Hannibal Lecter and crappy CG turning a fat Cockney actor, Ray "I’ve come to kiwaw your monstah!" Winstone, into Beowulf. At last, apathetic and mentally deficient high schoolers have a film they can really connect to, and be able to pass their Literature exams without lifting a finger other than to masturbate over CG-Angelina Jolie's artificially enlarged breasts.
This differs from the earlier, sci-fi version starring Christopher Lambert and one too many hits of acid, which caused aforementioned high schoolers to fail English class and life in general. Although chock-full of cleavage and demonic sex, this earlier attempt lacked both a budget and a plot resembling anything an English Lit teacher would approve.
An even obscurer offering, The 13th Warrior, reworked the story to star a Muslim Zorro helping Klingons (Beowulf is renamed Beefwilly or Bellywhiff or something) fight Neanderthals.
[edit] Other versions of Da Wulf
- Bilbo Bagby, a very refined gentlehobbit indeed, has recently released a CD version of Beowulf, which was authentically filmed in a hall full of wooden pillars. No wait...that was the Scandinavian audience. Has a tendency to camp out on certain syllables, which is technically known as a "yodelisma". The little yips when Grendel starts to get frisky are a nice touch. Smiles too much; apparently thinks he's doing opera. Fails the darker colors of the poem because he's obviously not in touch with his inner pedophile.
- Didaskalos is giving a show of Beowulf two days before the movie comes out. This will take place in a rented suburban skatepark full of teenage boys. Assuming PJ doesn't out him for his nefarious plan to corrupt the youth of the South with fake "mead", Nordic boy-magnets, and kewl runes, anyway. This could be potentially anticlimactic!
- Report: Oh it was anticlimactic it was! Only one person showed up, a ten-year old boy, and he sat upside-down on the couch nibbling from a styrofoam cup of cheddar fish and pretzels, and fell asleep half-way through. Didaskalos had a right lovely old time of slavering over his sleeping "Danish" form, as the ravenous Grendel...oh yes my precious...
[edit] A precious fragment of traditional Anglo-Saxon culture
- IT'S YOUR BEOWULF: Drink mead together, recite it often, and teach it to your sons. In this way, little white boys will be able sleep safe at night, without fear of being eaten by beaners, gooks, niggers, faggots, pedophiles, or other figments of the white imagination.
- Here A. Wyatt Mann gives his impression of the inside of the hall Heorot, as night falls and the shadows lengthen:
- What fears does this cartoon evoke, hmmm? "Don't ask, just Grendel!" Amirite?
- If you don't Beowulf, the Zionist Occupation Government wins!
[edit] Epic rape, not epic lulz
While Anonymous' epic may have been truly epic at the time, Anon failed to update it for today's audience, instead leaving it wither to old meme status. This left the tale open for the taking, and it has since been gang-banged so hard it's coughing up its own vagina and has shown up on ICHC with various misspelled and unfunny phrases shooped onto it.
"I AM BEOWULF" is a motherfucking terrible meme forced down the throats of /b/-tards because unmonitored 13 year olds think its funny to live their Beowulf fantasies vicariously through some Spartan horseshit thought up by Frank Miller while he was jacking off at a pay-to-use 7-11 toilet. Since all the ppl who saw Beowulf saw it with their moms, there clearly wasn't an efficient sexual outlet for these children (a la being gently jacked off in the back row by some old dude who bought you nachos). So what was the cure for their backed up sperm? Unconscionably retarded 300 references? Yes plz.
[edit] Replacement of the now defunct "THIS IS SPARTA!"
Some argue that the replacement of "THIS IS SPARTA!" with "I AM BEOWULF!" was a much needed change for the LJ community and tubular drama whores at large. Problem is, they're the exact same meme, because Robert Zemeckis is a moron, so this didn't actually fix anything.
[edit] External Links
Categories: Movies | Crap
