Bible slash

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Insert Holy Light here.

What did you expect?

Bible slash. Rule 34 really does come through. Bible-slash is not only a community on Livejournal, but fanfiction.net. While the stories are good for a chuckle and even raising of some conservative eyebrows, the reviews are even more entertaining!

Why Slash?

HAWT

Slash is what fuels teenagers all around the world. One day, when women come to power, slash will be what brings world peace and begin the dawn of a Golden Age.

From Harry Potter, animu, and life as we know it, slash was quickly spreading faster than herpes. That was when someone in the back of a dark and crowded room said, “Hey, what about the Bible?” After a brawl broke out between Christian slash fans and the liberal slashers, the bible slash community was born.

And... just like any other fandom, there was a VERY prominent pairing that caught the eyes of faingirls faster than a shimmering penis. Just like Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, Jesus and Judas were quickly written butt-sexing each other. It’s so obvious too... Judas really betrayed Jesus because he had the hots for him. Read in between the lines people!

Fanfiction

“To betray with a ki–mmff!”

“	And then Joshua was kissing him, kissing him as he’d thought he would never do. His lips were warm and dry, and they curved into a smile as his pressed against them. Hesitant, Judas pulled away, awaiting the sound of the soldiers... but there was nothing. Perhaps they too had fallen asleep, claimed by their god Morpheus; perhaps they were simply not paying attention; Judas did not know. There was a moment where the nighttime noises were uninterrupted until he was shocked to hear Joshua whisper “Now, that was hardly a proper kiss, was it?”	„
—Culumacilinte’s The One That I Kiss on Live Journal

A small sample of Bible Slash. Jesus is the slash king, and his Twelve Apostles are always slashed together, sometimes, if you find a cracked out fic, a giant orgy with pounds of hash beside the sex pile.

Horrible, horrible crack fic. Prepare for your eyes to burn. The reviews are WAY funnier than the story.

God/Lucifer, Lucifer/Gabriel, Jesus/Judas, Jesus/Anyone, Twelve Apostles/Anything with two legs and genitalia. This is what happens when slash is awkwardly introduced to the Bible at a bar. The two proceed to get drunk and then one thing leads to another and the Bible is pregnant. Slash tells the Bible to abort the baby, but the Bible is religious so it can’t. Nine months later, Bible-Slash was born.

“	“This would be a sin if one of us were mortal, little angel,” I murmur wickedly as I pull my mouth away from his at last and nuzzle at his neck, “but for two sons of Heaven like ourselves, there is nothing sinful in what we’re doing. And is it really violation if you want it?” He gasps, almost sobbing as I stroke the smooth, unblemished whiteness of his chest, brushing lightly over the delicate skin of his small pink nipples, sliding my other hand ever lower, to rest at last between his slender thighs and bring him slowly to arousal. His platinum hair falls back from his hauntingly lovely face as he crimsons with shame, and yet he arches himself toward my skilful touch.	„
—Angelica Albina’s His Wings As Drifted Snow

A work of art for the Lucifer/Gabriel fans.

Reactions/Reviews

Soon, Christians took notice, and the lulz wasn't far after.

“	This is sick. I am christian and you have just insulted my religion. Please take this story down and delete it, eradicate it from the internet, rip it into little pieces etc... Oh- and remember to smash up your computer so you can never write again. Ever.	„
—Aqua Blue, forgetting that a pen is fine too

“	I guess my first and frank reaction to this is... AGAIN? How many times has this sicko theme been trotted out onto these ff pages? Over and over and over... What exactly is the psycho obssesion with writing this very same trash over and and over and over again? I mean, really. It's been done, people. Get on with your lives. Or better yet, get a life. A real one. Learn something. Study the sublime realities of creation and redemption for a start. Study history. Study classical works of literature. Study something. Please. For your own sake. Then perhaps this psycho obsession would become less of an obsession... That is what comes to mind when I see this. That is my honest critique. And yes, it is trash. Absolute trash. To the moral and intellectual mastermind who suggested that "it does not matter if it is right or wrong"... give your head a shake. What is right and what is wrong is the one thing that ALWAYS matters. Always. In fact, in the whole scheme of life, that is ALL that matters... what is right and what is wrong. Does such a person actually believe that "fan fiction" of all things is the one and only domain in which right and wrong do not matter? This has to be a joke. It has to be. What is right and what is wrong does matter, it matters every fraction of a microsecond of our existence, and it matters to an infinite degree. What we do, including what we write, is our responsibility, and remains our responsibility for all time. We cannot hide behind cries or claims of "fiction" to try to justify anything and everything. Everything we do has an impact, and we are responsible for that impact. We cannot escape this reality. We cannot escape this accountability Nice try... So, my best wishes to you, with no ill will, and my hope that you will take this most essential and imperative reality to heart and mind in any future writing.	„
—Anonymous reviewer

What’s really funny is when reviewers start to fight! Mortal Kombat!

“	Um...I would just like to point out that this is a site for FANFICTION. It does NOT matter whether it is right or wrong. Yes, this could be a sin(for all those religious folks out there), but for those who searched and read these kinds of fics aren't quite "pure" either. No matter how you look at it, once you get to a certain age...there is no human on this world that will not feel 'horny' at least once. (Except those who die before that certain age - may their souls rest in peace) It's not like I'm religious or anything. I'm supposedly a Catholic...but only cuz I was forced. FORCED, I tell ya! don't ya just hate it when someone whose beliefs are different from yours are trying to persuade you from your own beliefs? I mean, C'MON! Just a several months ago, I had an argument with a friend over...well..."God." This is what I fought for...	„
—Loyal Bible slasher

“	People ask "Is there a God? If so, where is he?" A person who believes on "God" would reply "Yes, of course! He's always with you." Well, then I suppose the response would be "How do you know that?" This is quite simple, really. The other person would answer, "Because the Bible says so". When you ask "How you know that the Bible is right" that answer is because it was "Written by witnesses". But how exactly do you figure? In our current time, we "humans" create many made-up stories and adventures of fictional characters. Let's take "Harry Potter", by J.K. Rowling, for example. The author wrote about a school of witches and wizards, but we do not see anyone on top of broomsticks, now, do we? Precisely! we humans create stories for our own pleasures and entertainment. Perhaps the Bible was created for that purpose as well. Now, now - don't get angry. I never said that it WAS...I merely stated the POSSIBILITY that it COULD have happened, t'is all. Now, finished with my first two points, so on with my last and final theory. Let's take the same question from point #2 Question=> Is there a god? >Well, let's put it bluntly...have you seen this supreme creator? My theory is that God did not create, us, humans. Instead, I believe that we, the humans, created God. In situations where a person is in danger or in trouble, he or she cries out for "God" or "prays." Think about it. People are instinctively dependant. they need someone or something to lean on, or to blame. This is where "God" comes in. If you believe that there is a greater force out there, beyond the unknown, you are able to believe that everything, whether it be positive or negative, was/is/will be destined to be. Because of this logic and thought process, the person is capable of feeling less pressure on himself/herself. Truly, no matter what religion(except atheism) depends/worships at least one "God". I'm really sorry for writing this here...but I felt that it would help prevent any further poorly-thought-out reviews/comments. Perhaps I should place my rants on a new page? Nah...this site is for fics...afterall. I suppose I shouldn't become a hypocrite and abuse the actual purpose for this site. I'll leave my rants elsewhere! n_n so really, my point is that if you believe that writing these stories are a sin, reading them is just the same. wow...what a way to make a point lolz laterz ~	„
—Makai Kitozaka fighting the angry Christians

“	You crossed a line with this filth. By your actions, you have proven that you are not a Jew, (or if you are, you just don't care) nor are you a Christian, and you do not have enough respect for those who believe in and hold the Bible sacred. Homosexuality is forbidden. You have made a mockery of Holy writ. I hold the Bible to be the word of God. I take everything that is said within its pages literally unless indicated by the surrounding text. Those who sow evil, reep evil, those who sow good, reep good. This was true in Biblical times, as recorded in the Holy Bible, and is still true now. All true Christians who read this filth will be offended, as I am. All of the chosen people of God, (the Jewish people) those ones that take the laws of God seriously, at any rate, will be offended as well. By this action, you have sown evil. You will reep evil from this seed that you have sown. For as all seeds do when planted in good soil, it will yield a harvest, a harvest that you will have to reep. I do not mean to sound threatening. I am simply applying Biblical principles to this situation. As for David and Jonathon, they were not homosexual. The Bible would have recorded it if they were. Yes, David sined. He had sexual relations with another man's wife and had him killed so that he could have her, but he paid for his sins. God took the lives of his two sons as punishment for his sin. David did reep what he sowed. He sowed evil and reeped a full harvest of evil in time, even though the Bible called him at one point, a man after God's own heart. Yes, he fell, but he always got back up again. He always turned back to God. I'm giving an invitation now. Please. Asked Christ into your heart. Turn from your evil ways, and live for him. Simply pray this prayer. Lord Jesus Christ. I know that I am a sinner before God. I know that you came to this earth to die for my sins. You took my punishment. You rose on the third day. You conquered sin, death, and hell, as well as the grave. You said that you are the way, the truth, and the life, and that no man could come to the Father but by you. Lord I'm asking you now, wash me clean. Remove all of the sin in my life, come into my heart oh Lord. I surrender all of my life as well as all things, to you. Help me to live according to your will, not my own. I believe that you died, so that I might live. You took my punishment, so that I wouldn't have to. Yet, I know that if I do not accept this offer of grace, that I will have to take my own punishment, for I know that I am a sinner and can not save myself. I ask this in your precious name, amen. That prayer is a little elabirate, but you get the idea. Accept Jesus as your savior, Believe on him, and confess that you are a sinner. That's all there is to it. Simply ask and it will be given.	„
—LOLWUT

I believe its spelled "raep", not "reep"

“	HOW DARE YOU WRITE SUCH AN ABOMINATION! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW ANGRY GOD IS AT YOU RIGHT NOW! REPENT AND REMOVE THIS 'STORY' BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE AND YOU END UP IN HELL!	„
—Anonymous

OH NOES We is fucked nao.

“	Dammit! I can do fag tricks better than anyone, and nobody's written one slashfic about me giving my best goatse for the Great Jesus H. Christ! I am so butthurt I could kill all of you with my crowbar, provided I can find where I hid it up inside my big fat piggie ass!	„
—Sceptre

What can You Do?

Be creative. As they say, The Lord Works In Mysterious Ways. You can either troll the Christians and spamming their email with porn of Biblical people, or just Viagra adds. They need it anyways. Be sure to forward any and all bible slashfics you find to fredphelps@godhatesfags.com

Or... leave many reviews to stories. “Reviews” could consist of memes, so keep some favorites in mind. Go and leave your mark in Bible Slash History!