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Billy Mays

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ARE YOU READY TO UNLEASH THE FUCKING POWER OF OXI-CLEAN?!

Billy Mays is an American cokehead television salesman famous for introducing a wide range of ass-kicking cleaning products that allow you to keep your basement nice and tidy. You probably know Billy Mays as that guy in the purple shirt that's always screaming at you about the awesomeness of his products from behind your television screen during infomercials, thus intimidating you into calling in and purchasing something you don't actually need. It is this unnerving high pitched squealing that has earned him Consumerama's "Naked Mole Rats of Marketing Award" in the lulzy field of "Shameless Consumer Abuse." [1]

In addition to his work in producing and marketing some of the baddest household cleaning/maintenance shit the world has ever seen, Mays is also an early pioneer and expert in the field of EXTREME ADVERTISING, due to his aggressive marketing style and unexplainable need to always speak in ALL CAPS. He is additionally somewhat notable for looking like a bear [2], but is "not gay" according to TOW [3].

“	His signature yelling approach to pitching an array of products, along with his recognizable beard, have gained Mays a substantial amount of recognition.	„
—And that's from fucking Wikipedia so you know it's true - [4]

[edit] Typical Infomercial

Billy Mays will wreck your shit.

Billy Mays (moar like Billy Gays amirite?) usually captures his audience's attention by busting on to the set of the infomercial like the Kool-Aid man on crack and begins yelling about the amazing power of whatever random gizmo he happens to be peddling that day. Those viewers who haven't suffered shock-induced heart attacks or fled the room in terror are now completely enamored by Billy Mays' marketing pitch. Mays then goes on to demonstrate how astounding his product is and how you cannot possibly go about your pathetic existence without it. He accomplishes this through many means, his deafening vocal style being one of them. Mays will also resort to stringing together a bunch of nursery school ryhmes about the product (he's probably the only grown man who can get away with this) or throwing together over-elaborate "practical" demonstrations and showing how his product can overcome them with ease. For instance, say Mays is marketing a carpet cleaner; for a demo, he will bust into your house and spill a jug of red wine and a bucket of sheep's blood on your carpet, then piss on it just for good measure. He'll then break out the KABOOM! and get to work... or the OxiClean, or Orange Glo... or whatever the fuck works on carpets. And like magic, that stain has had its ass handed to it on a platter. But before leaving with just a simple goodbye and a phone number, Billy Mays continues his assault on your auditory senses and promises to ~~double~~ ~~triple~~ sextuple the offer for FREE! And he'll even throw in some Mighty Putty, a couple Hercules Hooks, an Awesome Auger, and a handjob, all for the low, low price of $19.95 - BUT ONLY IF YOU CALL WITHIN THE NEXT 30 SECONDS! Because they don't film these things ahead of time and run them continuously, you know.

[edit] YouTube Tribute

[edit] Billy Mays Disinfects All Over Your Bathroom

[edit] Billy Mays and the Internet

Billy Mays Combo-roll on /b/.

When Billy Mays is not scamming people out of money, yelling at random strangers, or insulting your masculinity, he can be found lurking the internet. Due to Mays' reputation for being the loudest salesperson on the face of the planet, he has gained quite a bit of popularity here on the Internets. Billy Mays can be found shouting on a wide variety of websites, as he has been a recurring meme for years on such sites as ytmnd, YouTube, and everywhere in between. In addition, many YouTubers have created parodies and tributes to Mays, but they're all painfully unfunny, because the creators fail to realize that you cannot beat perfection.

Mays has gained a notable amount of attention from 4chan, as well, and he is often used in the making of copypasta. For instance:

HI /B/, BILLY MAYS HERE FOR OXI-CLEAN. I'VE HEARD A LOT OF SHIT ABOUT THIS PALMOLIVE BULLSHIT, AND I'M HERE TO CLEAR ALL THAT UP. YOU FUCKING NIGGERS KNOW THAT OXI-CLEAN WILL TAKE THE HAIR RIGHT OFF YOUR DOG'S BALLS, LEAVING THE SKIN FRESH AND KISSABLE. OXI-CLEAN MAKES UGLY BITCHES DO-ABLE, AND I PERSONALLY PUT TWO SCOOPS IN MY COFFEE EVERY MORNING. IN CONCLUSION, FUCK YOU. FUCK THAT OLD BITCH. FUCK PALMOLIVE.

Billy Mays is the primary contender to George Zimmer's throne of ALL CAPS copypasta rants, and the channers often roleplay the two engaging in epic battles of wit and manliness, usually to very lulzy effects. Mays gained even higher standing amongst the /b/tards when, in June 2008, a very delicious piece of copypasta was made in honor of Mr. Mays:

HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH KABOOM. DO YOU HAVE LOTS OF DIRTY SHIT IN YOUR HOUSE THAT NEEDS ALL CLEANED UP? THEN BUY SOME OF THIS GODDAMN KABOOM. THIS SHIT COULD CLEAN THE WARTS OFF YOUR SISTER'S VAGINA. YOU CAN PUT SOME KABOOM ON YOUR DICK, AND IT'LL GROW THREE INCHES. FUCK.

IN A FEW MINUTES, THERE WILL BE A GODDAMN NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN. CALL THAT SHIT AND BUY SIX JUGS OF THIS FUCKING KABOOM AND WE'LL THROW IN A SAMURAI SHARK AND SOME GODDAMN ZORBEEZ. WHAT ARE ZORBEEZ? YOU BEST BE JOKING, NIGGER. THOSE FUCKING TOWELS CAN SOAK UP LIKE A GALLON APIECE. YOU'LL PROBABLY NEED THEM AFTER YOU SHARPEN YOUR FUCKING SCISSORS WITH THE SAMURAI SHARK. BECAUSE YOU'LL SIMULTANEOUSLY SHIT, PISS, AND EJACULATE IN YOUR PANTS. HOW DO YOU PISS AND EJACULATE AT THE SAME TIME? FUCK YOU, THAT'S HOW. CALL ME NOW AND I'LL STOP YELLING. NEVERMIND, I CAN'T STOP SO FUCK YOU. I'M GONNA GO JACK OFF WITH SOME ORANGE-GLO SO PEACE OUT NIGGERS.

SO CALL 1-800-781-7529 NOW AND TELL THEM BILLY MAYS SENT YOU

THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS 1-800-781-7529
THATS ONE EIGHT ZERO ZERO SEVEN EIGHT ONE SEVEN FIVE TWO NINE

CALL NAO!

The above piece of writing represents the culmination of Mays' life work and is a prime example of his excellence in the field of EXTREME ADVERTISING. We salute you, Billy Mays.

[edit] Billy Mays and Nutella

Due to a recent trend of Nutella threads on /b/ someone took the liberty of writing this

HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH NUTELLA. DO YOU HAVE LOTS OF UNTOPPED BREAD IN YOUR HOUSE THAT NEEDS SOME SMEARING UP? THEN BUY SOME OF THIS GODDAMN NUTELLA. THIS SHIT COULD CLEAN THE UNTASTEFULNESS OFF YOUR SISTER'S VAGINA. YOU CAN PUT SOME NUTELLA ON YOUR DICK, AND IT'LL GROW THREE INCHES. FUCK.

IN A FEW MINUTES, THERE WILL BE A GODDAMN NUMBER ON YOUR SCREEN. CALL THAT SHIT AND BUY SIX CANSOF THIS FUCKING NUTELLA AND WE'LL THROW IN A SAMURAI SHARK AND SOME GODDAMN POCKY. WHAT ARE POCKY? YOU BEST BE JOKING, NIGGER. THOSE FUCKING "CANDIES" CAN MAKE LIKE A BILLION WEEABOOS BE EVEN GAYER. YOU'LL PROBABLY NEED THEM AFTER YOU FUCK YOUR FUCKING SISTER WITH THE POCKY. BECAUSE YOU'LL SIMULTANEOUSLY SHIT, PISS, AND EJACULATE IN YOUR PANTS. HOW DO YOU PISS AND EJACULATE AT THE SAME TIME? FUCK YOU, THAT'S HOW. CALL ME NOW AND I'LL STOP YELLING. NEVERMIND, I CAN'T STOP SO FUCK YOU. I'M GONNA GO JACK OFF WITH SOME ORANGE-GLO SO PEACE OUT NIGGERS.

SO CALL 1-800-781-7529 NOW AND TELL THEM BILLY MAYS SENT YOU

THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS 1-800-781-7529
THATS ONE EIGHT ZERO ZERO SEVEN EIGHT ONE SEVEN FIVE OVER 9000 NINE

CALL NAO!

[edit] Billy Mays and underage girls

Finally!

HEY GUYS, IT'S BILLY MAYS HERE WITH UNDERAGE GIRLS. ARE YOU TIRED OF SECOND HAND VAGINA AND LOOSE PUSSY? THEN FUCKING GET SOME OF THIS UNDERAGE GIRLS. THIS JAILBAIT'S BIRTH CANAL IS SO TIGHT IT CAN TURN A FIVE POUND BAG OF SPUDS INTO MASHED POTATO'S. THIS SHIT IS SO FRESH THAT NOT EVEN FUCKING A LOAF OF BREAD FEELS THIS GOOD. THESE GIRLS ARE SO FLAT THAT THEIR FUCKING NIPPLES LOOK LIKE SOMEONE DREW THEM UP ON CRAYONS. THEY'RE NIPPLERS ARE AS FUCKING HARD AS MIGHTY PUTTY! FUCK!

IN A FEW MINUTES, I'M GOING TO WRITE NUMBERS ON THESE GIRLS BREASTLESS TITS. HOW CAN I DO THAT? FUCK YOU, THATS HOW. CALL THIS NUMBER IN FIVE MINUTES AND WE'LL THROW IN A FUCKING SACK OF ORGASMING GOPHERS! HOW THE FUCK DID WE GET ORGASMING GOPHERS? WE SHOWED THEM FUCKING PAMELA ANDERSON WEARING A PETA SHIRT YOU NIGGER. CALL IN ONE MINUTE AND WE'LL ALSO THROW IN SOME FUCKING KABOOM SO YOU CAN CLEAN OUT THOSE BITCHES VAGINA SO YOU CAN USE THEM OVER AND OVER... AND IT'LL SMELL LIKE A FUCKING PINESOL. IT'S LIKE HAVING SEX WITH EVERY TREE IN A FOREST AT THE SAME TIME. IT'S LIKE FUCKING A HALLOWED OUT PINECONE WHILE LISTENING TO DREAM THEATER.

I'M WRITING THIS FUCKING NUMBER NOW, SO CALL THIS SHIT AND ORDER THESE GOD DAMNED PUBELESS FUCKS. WE'LL GET YOUR SHIT, AND WITHIN TWO WEEKS YOU'LL HAVE A BOX ON YOUR DOORSTEP. IF YOUR NEIBOURS ASK WHAT THE FUCK IS IN THE BOX TELL THEM BILLY MAYS SENT IT AND TO SHUT THEIR FUCKING VAGINAMOUTHS OR ELSE YOU'LL SHOVE AN EIGHTEEN FOOT LIZARD UP THEIR ASS. THATS A BIG FUCKING CROCDILE YOU IGNORANT FUCK!

FUCK THIS PERMANENT MARKER IS OUT OF INK AND I DON'T WANT TO STARE AT GIRLS CHESTS ANYMORE. IT'S LIKE I'M LOOKING AT A SHIRTLESS EIGHT YEAR OLD ASIAN BOY. FUCK WE SELL THAT TOO.

SO CALL 1-800-781-7529 NOW AND TELL THEM BILLY MAYS SENT YOU

THAT NUMBER AGAIN IS 1-800-781-7529

THATS ONE EIGHT ZERO ZERO SEVEN EIGHT ONE SEVEN FIVE TWO NINE

CALL NOW!

[edit] What the Internets are Saying

“	Billy Mays has sold 134 pairs of shoes to legless people. Out of 130 legless people he tried selling shoes to. One guy dared Billy Mays to sell lava as a drain cleaner. That guy bought the lava for Twenty bucks from him two minutes later. Oxy Clean isn't really just a detergent, it's the concentrated power of Billy May's awesome selling powers.	„
—Some jackass on YouTube trying to turn Mays into the next Chuck Norris

“	Wow. It's almost like he's saying "Allright you dumbfuck, buy my shit or I'll personally fuck you up". Billy Mays is pretty intimidating :<	„
—

“	Kaboom and my hearing's gone!	„
—vasquezcherie

“	Let's see what else the mighty Mighty Putty can do. Um, oh ya, let's put a nice big glob of it over that bastard's mouth. I doubt even THAT can shut this jackass up. For a REAL good test, let's put a glob on his dink then affix it to a chain on a truck, and a glob on his ass to a chain to ANOTHER truck and watch them pull.	„
—Obvious sockpuppet of Barry Scott

“	fumetti: Billy Mays do us a favor and jump in the path of a moving train, you fucking asstard. neverent: He WOULD jump in front of a train... covered in armor made from MIGHTY PUTTY! Look at that shit, motherfucker? Who'd be afraid of a planet falling on them if they were shielded with that shit!? Hell, bring on World War III in my opinion, I'll be in my MIGHTY PUTTY BUNKER. FUCK YES!	„
—

“	I stole a box of this shit to see how it was. The putty works great, does everything they say it does. But what they don't tell you is that the putty smells like somebody shat out rotten eggs and then ate them, then vomited them into a vat full of putrid meat. Then let it sit out in the sun for two years.	„
—YouTube commenter comments on Mighty Putty

“	I bought Mighty Putty the other day to see if it could mirror comic strips like it's brother, Silly, does. I also got a little horny and accidentally plugged my anus and my dickhole with it. So now whenever I have to go to the bathroom, I get a case of Shitting Dick Nipples.	„
—Another YouTube commenter comments on Mighty Putty

“	Hi, Billy Mays here! That shower scene was from when I raped and murdered one of these assholes on YouTube who called me loud and annoying! I initially had reservations about it because I didn't think I could clean up such a horror show but then I remembered I carry a bottle of Kaboom! with me everywhere I go! That shit gets rid of all traces of my murderous rampages and effectively masks any DNA I leave behind after I finish sodomizing the corpses of my victims!	„
—

[edit] Billy Mays and Forum Freaks

“	I think I saw that site once when I Googled him. I didn't follow the link you posted, but is that the one where they refer to him as a 'bear'? It was pretty sickening to think of Billy Mays naked, let alone having sex with anyone!!! I hate to be anywhere within a 50 mile radius when he fired off the baby batter!! Could you imagine how friggin loud that would be?? I swear I bet his wife has the ear doctor on speed dial!! It's funny, but Billy Mays is what brought me to this site many moons ago. I Googled, "I hate billy Mays" and found CIH!!! LOL	„
—Wild Starchild

SAUCE!

[edit] Gallery

BILLY MAYS HERE FOR OH!FUCK	All done on paint, took fucking hours but the result shows what you can achieve with hard work.	This article is Billy Mays approved.	Billy Mays gets all the ladies.
Billy Mays should not be confused with Al Borland, of Tool Time fame.	He couldn't handle the fucking power of Oxi-Clean.	Oh exploitable. "With Confidence."	fanboi
Bitches donno I look like pedobear either!	You'd better listen to him.	BUY IT NAO CUZ ITS OMFG AWESOME	Only one thumb up?