Black metal
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| Warning!: Black metal ist Krieg. |
Despite the name, black metal is not heavy metal music made by niggers. Black metal is actually an offshoot of heavy metal that was developed at least 100 years ago in Norway by Satanist faggoths who decided that death metal wasn't gay enough. The guttural vocals of death metal were stretched to a higher pitch so that, instead of sounding like a man choking on semen, they sounded like the Wicked Witch of the West choking on semen, occasionally complemented by weak, half-assed monk chants. Typical trailer-trash metal clothes were thrown out in favor of bondage gear, black leather, spikes, and exaggerated goth facepaint that black metallers say is uniquely black metal but was actually pioneered by KISS 30 years ago. These articles are usually purchased at Hot Topic, although black metal musicians will never admit it. The irritating, grungy sound of death metal was obliterated, reduced to an equally irritating, thin screeching of tremolo picked guitars, no bass whatsoever, and clicking metronome drums. Black metal lyrics have a diversity of topics from Satan to nature to Vikings to winter to Vikings in winter to Satanic nature to Satanic Vikings in winter to Satanic Vikings admiring nature in winter. Although not very popular during the genre's heyday due to the emphasis on "kvlt" (avoiding commercial success by any means possible, often by making your music suck really, really hard), it has recently become immensely popular among 13-year-old boys on the internets.
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[edit] History
The first black metal band was Venom, but black metal fans, like the fucktards that they are, refuse to acknowledge this, because Venom wasn't shitty sounding enough, but, in typical black metal fashion, they changed their names to Cronos, Mantas, and Abaddon, so black metal fans still think they're alright. So the next band that black metal fans call the "official" first band was Bathory, which was supposedly the name of some evil medieval countess but is actually Norwegian for "bath house". He became an underground legend, selling albums through his daddy's record label. Then in 1988, Mayhem made the genre slightly less obscure and even more talentless and noisy with their debut EP "Deathcrush". Yes, it's as bad as the title sounds, maybe worse. Soon after its release, the lead vocalist of Mayhem, "Dead," became an hero and killed himself for releasing such an abomination on the music world. His suicide note read "please excuse all the blood" which makes it the best suicide note EVAR!! A flood of black metal bands followed, most notably Emperor (for creating rambling pseudo-intellectual bullshit and getting rave reviews by even mainstream music mags), Darkthrone (for turning lousy production into a trend), Dimmu Borgir (for setting the template for sellout black metal, also known as a bunch of idiots standing around in Halloween costumes and shrieking about the devil).
[edit] The Fans
Black metal fans are obsessed with being "true" (or "tr00") and are viciously territorial and elitist. Newly created black metal bands can be seen with slogans such as 'True *Insert location* Black Metal*. The biggest lulz example of this is from a Melbourne Black Metal band. Their slogan being 'True Northcote Black Metal' , Northcote being a scummy suburb in the north (how kvlt) of Melbourne, where rapists and pedophiles have the highest winz record. When not talking about black metal, they can be identified by their appreciation of hare-brained nihilist philosophies that a hardcore punk fan wouldn't even touch, their faux-evil screen names like "christkiller" or "Goatlust666", and the fact that they're still virgins at 25. Ironically, since all black metal fags worship Satan, by proxy they are essentially Christians (Satan was invented by Christians, who also invented God, Faggotry, and Phail). Thus they are a prime target for trolling. Trolling a black metal fan is rather simple. Simply bash Darkthrone, Mayhem, and Immortal and talk about how great Cradle of Filth is. This will provoke almost all black metallers into a fit of rage. Be warned that some especially tr00 black metal fans aren't kidding about that whole evil priest burning stuff. Don't be surprise if you wake up to find your dog dead with a pentagram carved into its side. Or if you find yourself dead.
The battle-cry of the black metal fanboy is "SELLOUT!", similar to the indiefags and similar in tone to the furfags "FURSECUTION!". Once a black metal album sells more than two copies or changes sound the kvltfags will flock to the artist's Last.fm page and proceed to bitch about the band selling out in a wank of nerd rage. Black metal fans often get into heated arguments about which band is more kvlt or whether a band is too mainstream, mainly because, like all fanboys, they're usually just repeating the opinions of their friends rather than forming their own. This cycle of elitism continues until the black metal fan will only listen to the kvltest band from Kyrgyzstan.
Black metal fans can be found just about anywhere, although Myspace and LiveJournal are generally not "kvlt" enough for them. Your best bet for finding them are special-interest boards, the geekier the better. Video games, science fiction and especially fantasy are full of black metal fans. Any Yu-Gi-Oh related forums are guaranteed to be swarming with them. Also, any websites related to heavy metal, Satan, or nihilism will attract legions of black metal idiots singing the praises of their favorite music.
[edit] Black Metal bands
- Dimmu Borgir
- Immortal
- Mayhem
- Impaled Northern Moonforest, the most grim and frostbitten band ever
- These Niggers
- Fastest/Heaviest Black Metal Kvlt Ever
[edit] Famous Black Metallers
[edit] Euronymous
The Black Metaller most famous for being pwned by Varg. He played guitar for the band Mayhem and owned a record company and a record store. Euronymous and Varg were having an emo hissy-fit about who was more tr00 and kvlt. To prove he was more tr00, Varg stabbed Euronymous at least 100 times. Euronymous hasn't done much in the music world since his death, and some argue that being murdered was the best career choice he could have made. It should also be noted that a dildo covered in shit was found in his drawer in his unit in Oslo. Obviously Black Metal was not gay enough. These dildo antics can now be found within the newly created circle of 'Post Black Metal' bands striving for higher levels (1000+) of gayness. It is a not very well known fact that Euronymous was a life hating pinko faggot who wanted to kill people and happily be killed but stating this fact will encourage a barrage of his asslicking kvlt faggots BAWWWing over how he was too innocent to die or conversely a bunch of Varg's fanboys getting pissy at the prospect that their nekr0warrior idol killed someone who didn't give a shit enough to fight back anyway.
[edit] Varg
The Black Metaller most famous for pwning Euronymous and burning churches. Varg Vikernes (a.k.a Cunt Grishnackh) is a talentless musician who black metal fanboys circle jerk around for hours for being the grimmest and tr00est black metaller. His real first name is in fact "Kristian" (irony lol?). Responsible for the 1 man project Burzum and for the killing of Euronymous. He was imprisoned at least 100 years ago for murder and general faggotry (a crime in Norway). Despite being locked away in a cell until last Thursday he has not made an effort to improve his musical ability. Varg has not yet told anyone he did it for the lulz. YTMND, with its finger on the pulse of the music world has leaked the first single from the new Burzum album.
He can be found listed and pictured under the "Heroes" column of any black metal-head's Myspace page, being the only possible way to make myspace "tr0000oo00000zero" enough for their infernal, frost-bitten souls.
[edit] Other Black Metal Shit
[edit] Bathory
Bathory, named after some PMSing Hungarian bitch who bathed in children's blood, is famous for being from Sweden, firebreathing, having one member and being the first band to talk about Vikings having buttsex, which many black metal bands afterwards copied.
[edit] Darkthrone
Darkthrone is probably the least faggiest out of all black metal bands, but predictably it's also the worst sounding. An apt description would be like Tori Sue Heck flailing around in a garbage can over and over again. Many people take this as a suggestion that Dorkthrone are the masters of low fi production, but any sane person would realise its because they're Norwegian and don't know what a studio is. Their album covers are almost as jam packed with family-themed hilarity and American values as Immortal's.
[edit] Emperor
Emperor is famous for having a fag killing member, even though the members are all fags and had buttsex with Vikernes.
[edit] Dissection
Another band famous for having a fag killing and a Swedish an hero member named Jon Nödtveidt. Unlike the guy from Emperor he apparently murdered a homosexual Algerian not because he sucked cock but because he was a sandnigger so the Swedish courts gave him two minutes in jail. Nödtveidt never shut up about how much a hardcore tr00 Satanist he was and he was so hardcore about it that he became emo and ended up taking a shotgun blowjob. Predictably, many tears from the tr00fags were shed to the amusement of normal people (similarly to the death of Euronymous and the death of Dimebag Darlings).
[edit] Satyricon
Satyricon consists of two married homosexuals called Frost and Satyr, known for their strange use of photography props and sounding something like a hybrid of Darkthrone and Britney Spears. They are also excellent trolls as many kvltfags are extremely angry at them for allowing one of their videos to appear on MTV.
[edit] Rotting Christ
Not the noisiest or the most ear raping as the name would suggest, this black metal band is from Greece. Also, they don't wear corpsepaint like the other fags here. Overall not a really faggy black metal band.
[edit] Gorgoroth
Gorgoroth's or by their celtic name Faggoroth's members are the only black metallers nowadays who take part in illegal activities, such as goat raping, drug smuggling and living up a mountain. For that reason they are obviously being persecuted by The Man. The three members have recently taken part in a catfight and and there are now two Gorgoroths for everyone! Gaahl, as the ear raping vocalist, is well known for torturing a man Last Thursday, by strangling the victim's testicles. As the victim's testicles bled, Gaahl collected the blood into a cup. Gaahl was sent to jail for at most an hour, due to Gaahl strangling other prisoner's testicles, Gaahl was immediately interviewed, the interviewers asked him questions why was he such a Fag, by strangling the man's testicles, Gaahl said he did it for teh Lulz
[edit] Ulver
Ulver were a black metal band, but then abandoned it to produce shitty techno and trip-hop music and film soundtracks.
[edit] Taake
Only notable for having dick out. (see above)
[edit] Nargaroth
Aside from Euronymous death, Nargaroth is the ultimate black metal troll. After making many retarded statements, creating a song called "Black Metal ist Krieg", saying he made a record in 1991 and appearing on the German equivalent of Jerry Springer crossdressing, Rene "Kanwulf von Nargaroth" has attracted the ire of many black metal fanboys for being an "imposter to the kvlt". However what they don't realise is that he is German and thus gay.
[edit] Ildjarn
One man band who hates all humans but has much respect for animals. Made most of his albums on some shitty walkman and made others with his best friend Nidhogg, whom he also hates.
[edit] Dimmu Borgir/Cradle of Filth
Always call these bands black metal when trolling.
[edit] Why Should You Liek Black Metal?
The reasons are obvious.
[edit] See also
[edit] External links
- Black metal fans talk politics. May cause brain damage, view at own risk.
- Metal Archives, which started out as a catalog of heavy metal releases, but is now a breeding ground for black metal trolls.
- Website of a typical black metal band.
Black metal is actually very similar to rap. Don't tell this to the fans. Actually, do tell it. Constantly.Dead- The black metal FAQ, an example of why black metal fans are so stupid.
- Black metal morons creating drama and lulz.
- lulz!
- moar lulz!!
