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Blastoise

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The last thing you see before you die.

Even Blastoise can shoop that whoop.

Behold the power!

Blastoise is own, and the higher level ones have powers that surpass even the mudkips.

1 Card Text
2 Symbolism
3 Blastoise IRL
4 Card History
5 Hydro Pump Gallery
6 See also

[edit] Card Text

Blastoise evolves from Wartortle.

Pokemon Power Chocolate Rain Dance: As often as you like during your turn, dance around like you're having a seizure and wave this fucking card to your opponent because he wishes he had one. This power can not be used if you are Asleep, Confused, or Paralyzed.
Shoop da Whoop: Does over 9000 hit points of damage.
Dildo: Rapes you with his 2 giant cannons.

[edit] Symbolism

This Pokemon may be steeped in symbolism, even more so than any other Pokemon. The "evolution" of a childish, often rebellious form of life into a being with a hard outer shell, aggressive attitude and thick-ass tail and rotund belly may be directly correlated with the growth of a teenage female into the hardheaded, fat-ass, agro bitches known as "woman". Observe the powerful lactation in female Blastoises from both barrels. For cereal.

If you read this, congrats on the bucket of fail you are.

[edit] Blastoise IRL

Blastoise is a firm ally in the fight for lulz. He tricked the jews into doing 9/11 not only because the WTC was believed to be a stronghold of anti-lulz at the time, but also because the elimination of a group of people just for their heathenish beliefs is a fun thing to do. Blastoise also killed Tom Cruise in an epic battle, only to have Cruise be revived by L. Ron Hubbard. Once given new life, Cruise proceeded to banish Blastoise to the netherworld.

[edit] Card History

It is the second most rare and powerful piece of cardboard crap in existence, the first having been shotgun mouthwash. There are only a few said to be still in existence. Blastoise causes an tragedies to occur. Hillary Clinton has read many books about the use of the Blastoise cards, and may plan to use it during the next election against Cheryl Lindsey Seelhoff if she bitches to much.

As you can see below, the child instantly realizes the danger he is in. But it's too late. He is instantly thrust from screams of terror to fits of manic laughter as the deadly force that is Blastoise consumes him. He is indeed becomes an fag. Notice the child's uncanny resemblance to Daxflame.