greets to the final bosses of internet: cromlech, aush0k, dshocker, atomiku, Romford trev, piddle, rolo, baz.

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°° The Ultimate Branca's panel!!11 Click HERE for more info! °°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

Branca is the prime example of the generic Mary Sue, but she is unique in her mediocrity and ridiculous popularity. Somehow horribly raping the Gorillaz with childish fandom and comics about herself and her love life with a fictitious lead singer has earned her more than 200,000 pageviews and about 700 watchers on the bastion of high brow sophisticates with discerning artistic taste that is devianTART.

Contents 1 History 2 The Comics 3 The Fanbase 3.1 Quotes from the Fanbase 3.2 Fanbase-related Gallery 3.3 Main asslickers 4 Acts of Asshattery 4.1 Search for a Star 4.1.1 Gallery of Butthurt 4.2 Vandalism 5 Galleries 5.1 Branca Says... 5.2 Gallery of Lulz 5.3 "Fan" Arts 5.3.1 Tutorial 6 How do I get praised? 7 Quotes from Branca 8 Drops of sweetness (DeviantART online) 9 Fernet strikes again 10 Panel of Lulz 11 Links

[edit] History

Branca was born at least 100 years ago and seemed to have arrived on the internets like a bombshell, dropping dozens of drawings depicting her alter ego, Branca, as the somehow both pretentiously 'loving' and cute and somewhat lascivious and vulgar wife of the Gorillaz's cartoon lead singer 2D. Despite 2D's character being written by the creators as quite the 'playa', he immediately falls for the puppy-punching charms of Branca and knocks her up in the context of sweet, schlong-shackling monogamy. From this moment on, the genetics theory went to pot (or Tusspot. Whatever) as the two produce a blue-haired, no-eyed abomination against God. The fact that she can't come up with anything besides a generic, childish notion of domestic bliss to express her manic "love" for a fictional famous frontman is also pretty telling.

Countless zany, mostly annoyingly clean-cut (apart from the nudity), badly drawn comic adventures followed to convey their daily life as a happy family and, most importantly, highlight Branca's apparent existence in the life of the Gorillaz. Oddly, this includes the character Murdoc, despite the fact that he would probably take a bite out of the baby if given the chance. Murdoc is always referred by Branca as her 'buddy', even though she says he's ugly, dirty, horny and gay. It doesn't matter anyway, because, like the rest of Gorillaz, he doesn't fucking exist. But Branca is so amazing she can tame even the BIGGEST ASSHAT BAND MEMBER. Man, she is as infectious as AIDS! Stupid Gorillaz fangirls naturally praise Branca and wish to be like her, even knowing they're only playing the role of the nice and friendly pals in the vain hope that Branca will draw them with 2D and thus somehow canonize their retarded fantasies.

Despite being 24 years old, in fit shape and married/engaged, you could say that Branca is the role model for 16 year old Suethors on the internets. Perish forbid.

[edit] The Comics

Branca not only makes shitloads of beautiful drawings featuring the Gorillaz and her gorgeous self, but she's also drawn over 9000 comics just to be sure the world knows that she is the sole focus of the imaginary band's life (in other words, Branca is the protagonist and the Gorillaz members get the supporting role). The comics are usually divided into two or more parts and very crudely drawn. This comes as little surprise because, in fact, Branca never puts time and love into her art. She's just doing it only for the internet fame. Also of note is her complete mastery of the Engrish language. The stories always end in one place: in bed. Why? Because 2D is her husband, and physical attraction is all their relationship is built on!

Branca will make a fuss if you mess with the characters she invented (see gallery). If you draw her fanart where something is "wrong" (i. e. the color of the hair too light, the anatomy is sound and the characters don't look as if they're made of rubber etc.), she will bitch endlessly about it, pointing out she made a precious Q & A for her characters. But when it's her turn to draw guest characters, she pretty messes up all of their personalities, and while she portrays all of the Gorillaz completely out of character, she does the same to the characters of other pathetic internets artists as well.

She also transformed the character Paula Cracker (2D's ex-girlfriend who cheated on him with Murdoc in the actual, lame, unnecessary Gorillaz storyline) into an evil bitch who plots every minute to steal 2D from sweet and wholesome Branca. This is particularly retarded, seeing as Paula is part of a backstory and was out of the Gorillaz scene before the then all-male band somehow acquired Noodle. What's the point of exhumating a character just to make a couple of cheap soap-opera drama comics? Oh, we guess that is the point. As we all know, if there's one thing fangirls love it's trite, generic, cliché melodrama.

[edit] The Fanbase

Branca tries her hardest to convince people that she's not at DevianTART because she wants to be famous and loved and ass-patted. She's a serious arteest, and she proves this by drawing her ugly Sue in the nude or in tiny lingerie, preferably in the bedroom together with her "husband". But Branca definitely isn't just a face in the crowd of conceited attention whores, all she humbly requests is that you tell her she is kind, sweet, sexy and wonderful in every single communication. This is the part where the fans enter the picture. After all, what would Branca be without a fuckton of mindless followers who praise and huggle her like she does her own stupid self?

Let it be known if you actually try to criticize Branca, her legions of rabid fucktard fans, who are apparently at her every beck and call, will pounce on you like Auschwitz guard dogs on a Jew. Whenever a person gives Branca a "bad comment" (Suethor-speak for "critique"), or asks her WHY ON EARTH she hates gays enough to constantly make rude remarks about them, this person will immediately be classified as an 'immoral and stupid 16-year-old bitch', who is obviously VERY jealous of Branca's great artistic talent. Why else would anyone be so mean to their most favorite artist? It's obviously jealousy!

Her fanbase consists mostly of other fangirls (and occasionally a pathetic sexually repressed fanboy or two) and horrifically enough these cattle-like masses recently created a club, Fanines of Branca, where other fantards can post comics and drawings about Branca and 2D's "romantical romance" and support the pairing even though most of them would prefer to be in her place. The artwork is either worse or better than her own work (ocasionally they make self-insertions too), but still falling below the bar of utter shit as with most of the art on devianTART.

[edit] Quotes from the Fanbase

“	The most friendliest person in the group and THE WORLD, very clever and thinks before acts, would do everything for her friend (only not killing!)	„
—Numberofthebeatz - camouflaging the truth with some gentle asslicking.

“	Y'know usually, I get pretty pissed off when when a fangirl pairs herself w/ Two-D, but y'know, it's not like you take it seriously, right? I mean, you're a very good artist but people who bash you only pay attention to the fact that you and 2D are together in your comics. Well, screw them. You're not a crazed fangirl who claims that, "OMG! 2D loves me!!! He's mine so keep your hands off him, he loves and nobody else." For god's sake, he's a f***ing cartoon character! Don't let them haters get to you. i support you and ppl who think Ur a stupid 2D fangirl who can't draw and crap, they should grow up. And honestly, I'm not a 2D fan, so you can have him if you want. Cos alot ppl pair 2d with Noodle and it really pisses me off.	„
—Ruler-of-da-dorks - whose name should be "ruler-of-da-brown-nosers".

“	YAY! The goddess of Gorillaz returns ;D	„
—Diamon-moon - licking her ass clean.

“	Hello branca. Please dont listen to the anti pairing people. although i am not a huge fan of 2dxyou, your artwork is still awesome, you are really good at drawing! better than me i think The people who are against you are mean. I tried to stick up for slash pairings, but all i got was "your thick" im like uh..ok, so you have a different opinion than branca, so you now hate her? that doesnt make sense. As long as it isnt pushed in my face all the time, i like it. It seems like lots of fangirls pair themselves with various gorillaz members. it doesnt make sense to me. Keep in mind, the pairing with u and 2d is not my favorite, but im generally a nice person. I have no clue waht i was on about...	„
—n00dlesbff314 - after Branca coming to her page to thank her for the watch.

“	Hi branca!! i think you are cool. Dont listen to those other people. They are just jealous. Here is my new view on the topic. I'm pretty sure other fangirls have paired themselves with various members of the gorillaz. I do not have an issue with that. Its quite unfortunate that you happen to be the target of all this shit. People need to get over themselves.	„
—n00dlesbff314 - lulzy cliché asslicking message on Branca's YouTube account.

[edit] Fanbase-related Gallery

Branca makes her favorite ugly fake blond fanboy casually mention her gorgeous attributes.

Cheating is a much worse crime than cutting someone's dick off.

Dr Strangelove is allowed to hate the "haters", not vice versa. Some argue this is contradicting.

Anti-Fernet art. The whore in the picture dresses the same as Branca, only Branca has more attributes, and usually she manages to stick Murdoc's hand on them.

[edit] Main asslickers

• Numberofthebeatz: annoying fangirl whose favorite pastime is making self-inserts for everything but the kitchen sink.
• Gonoodle (article in progress): self-proclaimed friend of Jamie Hewlett, spoiled brat who tells the whole world "she's got a Fender Telecaster" and also a fucking tracer. And she says she's leaving DA because of ED.
• Tragiquezombibeaute: If this sad case was turned into a movie, the title surely would be "Jane Doe wants an ED article". Lack of lulz potential leads to baleetion. Fail. This ED user thinks he's full of win for having made up this person and having made up an ED for her and also making up all of his partners just to justify the whole fakeness after so many researches. Nice try.

[edit] Acts of Asshattery

[edit] Search for a Star

Branca also entered the Gorillaz's "Search for a Star" contest, where thousands of artists (some exceptionally talented, some... not so much) contributed their artwork in hopes of receiving prizes and perhaps even a job as the new official Gorillaz artist. Branca submitted a masterpiece and yet, strangely enough, the powers that be were not as impressed by her talent as she herself was and deeply offended Branca by ignoring it along with thousands of other equally shitty entries.

Devastated and brokenhearted, Branca aimlessly wandered the red-light districts of London (where she thinks Essex is located), looking for something to brighten up her mood. When first discovering she had encountered a problem sex could not solve, she panicked. After a few days of screaming and whining and rubbing her honkers on innocents for some quick ego-boosting, she let the malicious part of her brain take over. The result was an insulting parody of a piece of artwork by the winner of the contest (a professional artist named Irina Bolshakova). Mental masturbation aside, this was a great opportunity to have her poor, mangled ego pumped up once again by her admirers who would tell her the judges were blind and that Branca should have won. Bolshakova may have seamlessly adapted Jamie Hewlett's style, but BRANCA IS 2D'S FUCKING MISTRESS AND DESERVES SPECIAL FUCKING TREATMENT. DON'T THE ACTUAL CREATORS OF THE GORILLAZ CHARACTERS REALIZE THIS!?

The true reason behind the making of the Art of Butthurt, claims Branca, is that people should have 'their own style' of drawing (like she does, but apparently Bolshakova doesn't). But, in the grand scheme of things, Branca's artwork is pretty much a shitty, crude version of the same Gorillaz style which seems to be drawn by every talentless fangirl. Not that Branca is a fangirl - 2D is Branca's man bitch, which, strictly speaking, makes him the fangirl and only goes further to show that Branca is really batshit insane.

[edit] Gallery of Butthurt

Branca's mature reaction to rejection.

Branca trying to make fun of art that's better than hers. Original work here.

[edit] Vandalism

Branca and her minions tried to erase this article from ED. As a result, it caused much lulz and chuckles o'plenty as they had obviously never heard of reverts. Then a bunch of Branca haters showed up and had some edit wars with her and her fantards, resulting in the whole article collapsing in on itself in a long horrible mess overladen with images and full of pointless warning templates. It took months for trained Dramaticians to repair the damage. And it's constantly checked because even trained Dramaticians can spell poorly or make typos sometimes.

[edit] Galleries

[edit] Branca Says...

Although Branca makes her fans believe that she is a very sweet, fair and wholesome person, she can be unreasonably whiny, bitchy and vulgar. She could learn some class from Fernet, but that's a thing for intelligent and mostly broadminded people.

Lulzy comments

Maybe it's Branca, trying to troll Fernet's blog. FAIL. Rather unfunny and weak trolling made by Branca's official drooler. Branca is possessive, sweet and wholesome. *^_^* These are the kind of comments artists get from Branca when they draw Paula Cracker.

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Branca's quote of the year. A fine example of Branca's open mind. Cuteness is everything. It's because of cuteness Branca's so famous. *giggle* Branca claims she created her shitty sue BEFORE THE DAWN OF THE INTERNETS THEMSELVES! Any 2D with a greenish hair, like the one in Demon Days, will remind her of her "invention". So will any baby boy that's called Alex. Oh yes, the design of her wedding dress is totally her invention. Egad, she looks like a middle-aged widow in here... Branca, the pink quintessence of sweetness, can't get enough of herself. Think twice before nagging. Branca was too busy inflating her ego to notice the comment was referring to the theme of the comic, not to her art. The fanbase begs you to fucking draw anything for her! Doesn't need to be Branca with 2D (after all, she's never had him)! Do it or the fanclub will die! Aw, too late. Not even good artists escape from her remark about the mole in her face. Branca's clever comment on a picture that shows love is really based on physical attributes. The Gorillaz alter-egos can't "breed". That makes them a bunch of eunuch bunnies. Yes, to prove how honest she is, she must admit it sooner or later. If your own character happens to be a long-haired girl with glasses, get ready for this. A new feature at DevianTART allows Branca to write an introductory text to her folders... and also allows people to comment the introductions. Maybe there is a reason why she stayed such a long time with her dearest computer broken after all. Imagine if she was being serious. On the other hand, maybe love for her must be really based on sex. She's not obsessed. Not at all! As a religious she can mock gay people, hate Satanism and draw porn. But you can't make a single joke about her religion. See the discussion here. Branca can't see her own violence, and a friend is not the one who understands you and loves you, but the one that hurts your pride. Branca's currently sitting on the sidewalk in front of her house, holding a hat and waiting for you to feed her a new subscription. Notice how many times she repeats "I can't afford it!" Be blind at the flaws in her pictures, or she will haunt you till you "praise" her. What Branca does with 2D is love. What Jassy does with the Gorillaz alterego is plain, vulgar hardcore sex. I think she's telling, what can I say? Lies. Bad lineart is bad, and the picture doesn't say exactly what she wants to explain to her dear "fanines" (two of them depicted here). The obnoxious broad doesn't realize foreigners can translate Portuguese. No changes at all, the lineart is still the same. Yes, she doesn't think twice before putting someone down with her intelligence and joie de vivre... ...but when someone makes a frank comment, she whines. Isn't life unfair? Tough questions stump Branca. She's like any normal fan. The difference is that she married 2-D before popping out a bag o'shit. What? She can rape Gorillaz fandom and then she gets mad when people rapes her original characters? Oh the humanity! Tropical England, here she goes! It's lulzy how she's so clueless about her whore clothes. She really loves to show off her thrombosis-affected legs. And she's been faving porn, although she claims she hates hentai. Mary, Mary, quite contrary. Or just a big fat hypocrite.

[edit] Gallery of Lulz

A picture tells a thousand words... In Branca's case, most of them being *giggle*.

Branca's "jobs"

A copy of her own art, which in its turn was a copy of Noodle. She "forgot the shirt" and didn't notice until they reached their destination... Branca really thinks Noodle will turn into another Branca. Russel and Noodle, voicing Branca's opinions about Murdoc's style in a Flash animation.

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And we thought all she could "compose" was a shopping list... Totally original. Like the hundreds of pixel cards in the whole DevianTART. The evolution of failure. "I ain't that monster perverted!" Branca wept when DA staff cruelly baleeted her shitty Flash animations. :( Fingers are usually thicker than nipples, not the other way around. The alter-egos' new clothes were donated by the Salvation Army. The man of a thousand faces. His jaw must hurt a lot... Branca whole-heartedly follows her own advice. Even as a rat, Murdoc feels the need to ogle Branca's "white panties". Apparently Branca thinks creating characters who embody over-the-top terrible gay stereotypes will prove to people that she's not a homophobe. Boredom in the internets: that's melancholy to Branca. Starving people in Bangladesh should be ashamed. Branca also made a furrie of herself using a furry base. Maybe because Sonic has blue hair too. Any of her loyal fans didn't dare to say to her that she traced this picture. The only one who did was Fernet. Branca is so busy doing the lighting on her own hair, she forgets to work on her friends' ones. This guide will help you building the most important feminist feminine element in fanart. What a legs! XD These are delicious humps. You must see them seeing you. Lina's new haircut is as inventive as Mermaid Melody's... Lina. She loves comedy. Interactive animation. Who would harm a friend because he forgot to tape a song? Branca would, apparently. Disguised as Gorillaz alter-egos. To make sure the whole world will give her asspats, she turned this picture into a print. The world's oldest profession. For Branca, men are all the same when they give their opinion about women. Branca's attempt on mocking at the people who mock her, but fail anyway, just like any other artwork she ever did. Also, notice the high language skills. Here, Branca is asking the viewers to forget the lineart and to make good comments about the rest of the picture. The same description is edited later, maybe because she remade the lineart, which is still rubbish. "2D, forget this brat and look at my body!" She fails so much on faking purity in those slutty clothes, she makes Monica Lewinsky look like a nun. She made a quiz and discovered Murdoc would date her instead of 2D. Is she shocked or having an orgasm? After all, she showed her cunt to him in the first meeting! Besides raping Gorillaz horribly, she also draws beautiful portraits, all in the name of popularity. Talk about improving backwards.

[edit] "Fan" Arts

Some generous people have decided to express their undying love for Yours Truly through arts.

Humble offerings for the queen

Genuine anti-Branca art. What insulted Branca the most is that her legs are shapeless. Did you know, bitch? Renoir's rendition to Branca. Notice the shopping mall in the background.

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What Gorillaz were really saying in that cheap shōjo manga picture from Branca. Fernet's interpretation of the aforementioned Flash animations' baleetion. Other trolls made a parody of her art. Here's 2D, doing the right thing. Not only the hair is out of date, but the boobs are fucking small. Branca will be furious! A nice portrait that could really say "You don't know me, but you should". Makes you wonder why did she stop drawing Kevin for a while. Who can resist her? Everyone. Lulzy art about Branca's alter egos. La Giggloconda and her enigmatic giggle. Branca's infamous spotthat's often called a "beauty mark". He loves her not. A funny view on Branca's own depiction. Only this one doesn't show nipples and white panties and is not Branca. Well, many clever phrases turn into memes, why wouldn't this one do too? As if it wasn't easy to recognize immediatly the character at first sight, here's an extra hint provided by her most common thought. Here's Branca with the shapely flab and the gorgeous varicose veins she's got after getting pregnant. A funny parody of film about life of German celebrity Dieter Bohlen. Behind the facade of wholesome, there's someone who would seriously rape Murdoc. The truth behind that cute picture. 2-D is having some fun while Branca is waiting.

[edit] Tutorial

Branca's way of drawing is fucking deep, because, unlike you, she has speshul animu talents. Despite this being a complete waste of time, we will try to teach you, the artistically inferior readers, how to make a picture properly. Because Branca's way of doing things is the proper way.
WARNING: This tutorial is infected with homosexuality. Upon reading it, the disease might be transmitted to your sorry rectum.

Of course, it would be impossible to compare this shitty tutorial to the flawless pictures made by Branca... Oh, one can only wish to reach her level sometime in the far future.

[edit] How do I get praised?

1. Bonk a cartoon rockstar and castrate him;
2. Upload some proof (including photos of your genetically defected spawn) on DevianTART;
3. ????;
4. Profit!

It is very important to add a generous portion of "giggles" during step 1 through step 3, or step 4 will be fail due to lack of cuteness and sweetness.

[edit] Quotes from Branca

“	Ah girls, look your bodies and look my body!!!	„
—Branca - asking you to look at her two inch nipples.

“	I ain't used to copy ideas from deviants, but this is cool, admit. I don't know if I did right, but I like it anyway. My grin is very cool, isn't it?	„
—Branca - expressing her modesty in a description of one of her works.

“	Why the people waste their time humiliating others? I wonder if they think are perfects. Adam also were, and look how is the humanity today.	„
—Branca - who believes the world was created last Thursday.

“	In the fanfictions Gorillaz can be anything.In my comics 2d is married with me. LOL.	„
—Branca - pointing out in bold that 2D belongs to her. LOL.

“	Hahahaha, this little doll reminds Alex, the baby I created as son of 2D and my char Branca. Cute.	„
—Branca - talking about that son of a... Branca.

“	Please, send me some tutorial teaching to make clocks like this???????? *u*	„
—Branca - who thinks Teruchan can give her attention and Flash tutorials.

“	2D's so gorgeous. Noodle is so cute, Russel'd fantastic. Now, Murdoc... oh God! How he's fat! Wahahaha!!! And his underpants is so... so... so... GAY!	„
—Branca - kindly commenting fanart, as always.

“	Wow D*****! I didn't know that you liked so much of my drawings! I-I'm surprised! Thank you very much!!! Really, thank you!!! ^^	„
—Branca - commenting not the fanart per se, but the description in which her name was mentioned.

“	My God D*****!!! Thank you again! I was watching your Noodle and I was surprised with your commentary about me :D	„
—Branca - saying the same thing again to the very same artist who mentioned her in the description again.

“	Woooow!!! Jamie and you together!!! Awesome! Congrats! I'd like one like that, but with Damon. And then? The Jamie from here is Jamie really?	„
—Branca - harassing a poor DA artist with a very stupid question.

“	wow! Now you offended me. Jamie is a normal human... I don't think this my question is stupid.	„
—Branca - feeling offended just because the deviant found the question stupid (and it was).

“	Don't worry. ^^ I see I ain't the only one that makes confusion with you say. :giggle: ^^; Then I guess I'll comment something more clever at next time.	„
—Branca - playing the innocent and admitting she exaggerated, after seeing she was making stupid and useless drama.

“	Depending of the satires Fernet drew, even I liked it, to be honest.	„
—Branca - either bullshitting or suddenly changing her mind about the mean, horrible and cruel Fernet's parodies.

“	I wanted fix before these chars become popular.	„
—Branca - thinking her new characters in her new DevianTART page will be popular.

“	This guy draw funny.	„
—Branca - probably mocking at an artist not as talented as her.

“	But I don't mean is ugly. This is a great work.	„
—Branca - trying to correct it. Too late!

“	^^; Wow! I like your version. But I don't allow the people draw an older version of Alex cause neither me draw him teen or adult yet. I don't draw just I don't want really. Perhaps any day.	„
—Branca - who supposedly supports freedom of imagination in fanart.

“	Kimono is not difficult to draw. Next turn you try to draw.	„
—Branca - giving an encouraging comment to a drawing of a girl in a kimono.

“	I love me. If I don't love myself, who would love? We have to have love to weselves.