Breatharian
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Breatharianism is the belief sun light contains all nutrients required for healthy living. Living On Light (LOL) means that food in all forms is for fat lusers like you. The movement has several different groups:
- Jasmuheen
- Wiley Brooks' Breatharian Institute
- Hira Ratan Manek's Solar Healing Club
Contents |
[edit] Jasmuheen
...is the group and public name of Ellen Greve, some skinny cunt from Australia. She promises that if we can all just quit eating, we'll nevar die, nevar get teh cancer, and get moarass. Of course there are a few undesirable side effects. Thats right, this cult has a body count, and they didn't even get to drink the Kool-Aid. There are three documented dead : Timo Degan of Munich, Liane Morris of Melbourne, and Verity Linn of Sutherland. NEVAR FORGET!
Jasmuheen says that all you need to survive is sunlight and fresh air, and your body will will metabolize all the nutrients it needs from Pranha, which is some Hindu shit noone cares about. She claims that her DNA has mutated to contain 12 strands, so she can absorb more hydrogen. Somebody tried to pay her 30,000 bucks to prove it [1], but she declined, since everyone knows you can't see spiritual energy in a microscope, duh. She also failed to prove she can go without eating for even four days in front of a doctor.[2]
[edit] Wiley Brooks
...is completely sane. Next time you're in the fifth dimension, you can call the cell phone number listed on his website and ask him. He's been around since 1981, being a scrawny black dude, lifting all your weights, and not eating food. Except for double quarter pounders. And Twinkies.
Wiley Brooks wants to teach you how to get to the fifth dimension. You'll need the help, because as you know, one does not simply ascend into the Fifth Dimension. Strangely enough, Wiley Brooks wants you to eat food. But only fucking double quarter pounders with cheese from McDonald's ONLY. And fuck water or juice too, but you should make sure to drink plenty of Diet Coke out of plastic bottles only. duh. Wiley was caught in '83 leaving 711 with a Slurpee, a hot dog and Twinkies, btw. His website is exceptionally tl;dr, so I'll try and summarize:
We are all from the fifth Dimension. We didn't eat food up there, but we enjoyed the occasional 3d snack, cuz that shit is fucking delicious. Unfortunately, 3d food makes 5d people sick, so they invented the miracle drug ice cream to make our tummies feel better. Since you are what you eat, and now you can eat as much 3d food as you want, you got trapped on 3d earth, you dumb fuck. Good thing Uncle Wiley is here to save you. Double quarter pounder with cheese meals are from the 5th dimension, and Diet Coke in plastic bottles contains "LIQUID LIGHT"!!!!1
Eat that delicious goodness and say these 5 magic words: Jot Niranjan, Omkar, Rarankar, Sohang, and Sat Nam for 2 hours a day until you are ready to ascend back up to the 5th dimension. Thanks Wiley!! Once your mind and body are ready, Wiley will take you with him to the 5d Earth (Earth Prime) for only 15,000,000 USD before November 1st 2007. Since you've now missed that date, full cost is 25,000,000 USD. (Wiley is willing to finance a boyscout, so get out your fucking checkbook.)
[edit] HRM
...usually is an acronym for His/Her Royal Majesty, but in this case stands for Hira Ratan Manek, who is rather kingly, wouldn't you agree?
HRM claims that he has subsisted since June 18th 1995 on water, tea, and buttermilk only. The secret, he claims is staring directly into the sun. Why didn't we think of it before? He believes that this is an ancient science, practiced over 9000 years ago. Since this science was forgotten, he had to figure this shit out again for himself, and the technique was perfected last Thursday. Its simple: within one hour of the sun rising or setting, stare at it. Your ultimate goal should be 45 minutes. You shouldn't wear shoes or socks, and standing on grass will suck your energy out, so stand on some dirt. Thats it!
[edit] Trolling
should be plenty easy. Start here
[edit] Quotes
from the founder of the Yahoo Group, from a Czech website:
| — John McAlpin |
| — John McAlpin |
| — John McAlpin |
[edit] Variations
Some groups have developed techniques in order to feed off of substances other than food or light. Some argue they can live for years just by reading shit in fucked-up websites and trolling random places in the Interbutts. This practice is called Living on Lulz.
[edit] External Links
- C.I.A.
- Official Jasmuheen Site
- Wiley Brooks Official Site Warning: Timecubesque, but with style.
- Hira Ratan Manek Official Site
- Breatharian Yahoo Group.
- The Livejournal Community.
- Breatharian internet tribe.
| Breatharian is part of a series on Cults. |
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