Religion
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Religion was created at least 100 years ago by Raptor Jesus. Since then, shittier versions of the Church of Raptor Jesus have attempted to generate as much win and lulz as our Lord Raptor Jesus, but failed abysmally. However, it has been successful in being the biggest source of drama, faggotry, and unwarranted self-importance in the world today. It has led many Christfags to believe that beating someone half to death with a 2000 year old book will heal them and many Muslims to believe that if they blow themselves up, they will get 70 virgins. Religion will also send any atheist into hours of butthurt shitfits.
Many people also think religion is the best thing evar.
Contents |
[edit] How to tell if a religion is right for you
- Are you a big pedo who wants to hit that alter boy ass?
- Do you like to murder hundreds of heathens and infidels?
- Do you get Christ-gasms every time you see a picture of Jesus' sexy ass?
- Do you liek mudkipz???????????????
If you answered, "OMG! YES! R U SYKICK?" to these questions, then you need... Religion!
(...or mudkipz).
[edit] A Summary of All Religions
| VS. | 
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ROUND 1, FIGHT!
[edit] About God
God is a controversial figure whose hobbies include self-contradiction, racism, genocide, mind control, telekinesis, voyeurism, bondage and basic pwnage. He is also referred to as 'Brahman', 'Dio', 'Allah', 'Weev', the 'Flying Spaghetti Monster', Ego_Trip and 'lol yea that dood who totally told that guy Isak to kill his son for a prank rofl.'
[edit] Why He Is Famous
Most famous for his creation of the universe, space, time, reality and penises, he has received mixed responses since. Less known actions include flooding the Earth, killing every first born son in Egypt, keeping Mohammed's hashish stock supplied, giving some American evangelists gold fillings as if by magic!!111 and rectifying erectile dysfunctions. Despite this involvement many have wondered whether God is really doing it all for the lulz, considering his inexplicably random acts of healing, and absences at many major events throughout history - most famously at Auschwitz (of course, this could be explained by the fact that, like any decent person, God likes to see Jews get pwn't). While millions of still-born fetuses hit the ground with a thud, and millions more are ravaged by illness, it is some relief to know that his face will appear in home-made pies with alarming regularity. This, of course, can be explained by the fact that, like any decent person, God loves pie.
[edit] Why Some Fags Don't Believe In Him
Some argue that some fags don't believe in God because he does not believe in himself, for believing in himself would prove that he exists, and one cannot simply prove that God exists. These people are referred to as fagnostics.
There is also the notion that believing you have a personal relationship with a being infinitely larger than yourself makes you a crazy person. Though, this notion is only held by butthurt atheists on Jewtube.
[edit] God's Fan Clubs
God has many fan clubs across the globe known as religions, as was established before. These groups mainly argue among one another about God's sexual preferences and dick size, with the controversy often escalating into mutual butthurt. The two biggest religions are Christianity and Islam (Buddhism is for fags). Conflict has arisen over whether God raped Mary using his mind powers, and whether his illegitimate son is now fused with him and some randomer called the Holy Spirit in an eternal three-way gangbang. Disputes between Protestant Christians and Catholic Christians in Northern Ireland have resulted in numerous bombings, because there is some disagreement between the sexual attractiveness of the Pope. Fortunately however nobody cares about the marsh-dwelling Irish. Some hissy fits result in regrettable occurrences on a superlative scale, such as 9/11, The Crusades and the Thirty Years War.
[edit] The Jews
Fact:
- Jews did WTC
- The only thing worse than being a Jew is being a nigger
- Jews have huge noses
- Hitler pwned them 39-45
- You have the right to shoot them on sight
- A cat is fine too
[edit] Islam
Most recent major monothesitic religion invented by a faggot who kicked the shit out of his fathers statues and was banished from his gated community. After proceeding to lick the shit out of over 9000 toads, he started hearing voices that told him to exploit gullible newfags and make them obey his every will.
Five Pillars of Islam
1.) Praise Allah
2.) Work for 7-11 or a Getty
3.) Hate Whitey
4.) Avoid the Party Van
5.) Blow up fucking everything
P.s: Worship Allah unless you want a Jihad or some form of ethnic cleansing in your country.
[edit] How To Start a Religion
- Promise that everyone gets a load of virgin whores if they believe in your religion
- Say that those who don't believe in your religion will get the shit kicked out of them
- Campaign and speak publicly, attracting people's attention to your radically different beliefs even though you probably ripped them off from other religions.
- Say that something that wasn't alright in another person's religion is alright in yours (polygamy, murder, incest, stealing, and eating meat are all good promises)
- ????
- PROPHET!!!
(Note - Your religion will still never be as good as the Church of Raptor Jesus.)
BONUS TIPS:
- Offer free food at every meeting (hobos will do anything for a cold-cut
- Offer Kool-aid (Bonus points if it has cyanide in it)
- Needs moar Kool-aid
[edit] How to get lulz
1. Go to http://fstdt.com/fundies/random.aspx?archive=1
2. ???
3. Profit!
Just recently my son Bobby came out to me. I had been worried for awhile. His teachers said most of his grades were slipping and he seemed depressed and withdrawn. Bobby said he'd been hiding it for awhile because he was afraid I would reject him. I sat him down and told him that I loved him and that God loved him, but that his salvation was in danger if he did not resist his unnatural tempations. I told him how being gay would mean he would live a shorter life, and that if he couldn't change his orientation he could be celibate like most the ex-gays are. He started crying saying something along the lines of "I knew you wouldnt understand! You're just like everyone else!" before running to his room and slamming the door. What did I do wrong? I dont want to lose my son, but I fear I already have. I talked it over with his therapist, who had the ludicrous idea that homosexuality was unchangable and that trying to repress could lead to lots of psychological damage (I've dropped him and will try to be finding another therapist with more moral beliefs). I wouldnt be surprised if he's the one who's feeding my son all the homosexual propaganda about how its 'ok' to be gay. That, or how homosexuality has engulfed the media, making it seem 'cool' and 'hip' and how they were just another oppressed minority. You didn't have to worry about seeing two men making out on tv at my age! I don't want to sound like a fanatic, but I'm worried what other effects will come out of this increasingly secular, immoral society obsessed with filth. Am I too late? Or is it possible to save my son?
(Note: the boy eventually took his own life. Irrefutable proof that God hates Fags)
~Betty
I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!
~Linda
If u have sex before marriage then in Gods eyes u are married to that person if a man rapes a woman in Gods eyes they are married it sucks for the girl but what can we do lol
~Gods Soldier
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
- http://mychurch.org
- Flush a Holy Book
- This is what happens to Live Journals when a batshit crazy Christian is at the helm.
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