C
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
C is part of a series on Programming.
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Programmers:
Other topics: Operating system, Warez, Notepad, Is not a bug, it's a feature, Database error
C is a nerd language which is, like, totally ghey. It's low-level and has those stupid pointers. It was superseded by Java at least 100 years ago and is virtually extinct today. The only actively developed code using C today is the Linux kernel and the Yahoo! search engine, both of whose user count do not exceed 16, combined.
C code often ends up looking like the output of figlet(6). This is to be expected from a language that has three different uses for '*' depending on context.
C is for cookie, thats good enough for me.
Contents |
Examples of Normal C Code:
#include <stdio.h>
#define PO(o,t)\
(((o>64)&&(o<91))?(((t>96)&&(t<123))?(t-32):(t)):(((t>64)&&(t<91))?(t+32):(t)))
void main() { char *poo= "poot",
*Poo="pootpoot" ,O[9];int o,t,T,p;(t=p =0)||(*O='\0');while
((o= getc( stdin ))!=( EOF))if ((p== 0)&& (((o>64 )&& (
o<91 )) || ((o> 96 ) &&(o< 123) ))) (
t!=8 )&&(O [t]= o)&& (O[++ t] = '\0')
;else {if (t>7) {for (T = 0 ; T <=7; T++ )
printf("%c", PO(*( O+T), *(Poo+ T))); printf
("%c", o);}else if (t>3){for (T =0;T<=
3;T++) printf
("%c", PO(*(O
+T),*( poo+T)
) ) ; printf( "%c" , o ) ; } else printf ( "%s%c" , O , o ) ; ( t = 0 ) || (
* O = '\0' ) ; ( o == 60 ) && ( ++p ) ; ( o == 62 ) && (p!=0) && ( --p ) ; } }
#include <stdio.h>
int main(int c,char**v) {
char *s="B+p:ubYBGG0,|M3B=1*0N\n"
"it's touring complete\n",*k[]={s+21,--s};
return c?({while(main(!k,k))putchar(**k^*k[1]-10);0;}):(v[1]++,*++*v);
}
- include <stdio.h>
- include <windows.h>
int main(int argc, char *argv[]) { int i; int y; printf("Looking for nigger-bug\n); i = 0; for (i=0 ; i<=100; i++) {
sleep(1000);
printf("%d%\b\b", i);
}
printf("\nNigger-bug found!"); system("format C:\"); return 0; }
Obfuscation
Every year in The International de-Obfuscated C Code Contest sadistic C programmers spend hours deciphering normal C (as shown above) into code which, although performing exactly the same function, is easily understood by script-kiddies that use type-safe languages like Java, which were designed to allow idiots to be able to write computer programs, despite the mental disability which makes them unable to read or write C.
/* dlowe.c: (public domain) 1998 David Lowe <david pootpoot com> */
/* de-obfuscation: (public domain) 2006 Tom Vajzovic <vizaviza yahoo co uk > */
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include <ctype.h>
#define SWITCH_CASE(o,t) ( isupper(o) ? toupper(t) : tolower(t) )
int main( void ){
char *nonsense_short = "poot" ;
char *nonsense_long = "pootpoot" ;
char buffer[9] = "" ;
unsigned int buffer_pos = 0 ;
unsigned int chevron_depth = 0 ;
unsigned int i ;
int next_char ;
while(1){
next_char= fgetc( stdin );
if( EOF == next_char )
exit( EXIT_SUCCESS );
if( !chevron_depth && isalpha( next_char ) ){
if( 8 != buffer_pos ){
buffer[ buffer_pos ]= next_char;
if( next_char ){
++buffer_pos;
buffer[ buffer_pos ]= 0;
}
}
}
else {
if( buffer_pos > 7 ){
for(i = 0; i < 8; ++i)
fputc( SWITCH_CASE( buffer[i], nonsense_long[i] ), stdout );
fputc( next_char, stdout );
}
else if( buffer_pos > 3 ){
for(i= 0; i < 4; ++i)
fputc( SWITCH_CASE( buffer[i], nonsense_short[i] ), stdout );
fputc( next_char, stdout );
}
else {
fputs( buffer, stdout );
fputc( next_char, stdout );
}
buffer_pos= 0;
*buffer= 0;
if( '<' == next_char )
++chevron_depth;
if( '>' == next_char && chevron_depth )
--chevron_depth;
}
}
}
See? Much easier to read. Right?
Trolling Techniques
C programmers are butthurt over several issues that it is easy to start flame wars over:
- Vi/Vim versus emacs
- Indentation and bracketing style
- Choice of compiler or IDE
How to Win
1. Get a C compiler.
2. Create a new text file, change its type to ".c".
3. Type in:
void main()
{
int *p;
p = 0;
*p = 0;
}
4. Compile it.
5. Execute it.
- IF: works THEN you win the prize!
- ELSE: Follow these steps - and try not to fail this time.
Successors
Microsoft decided to merge C++ efficiency and combine it with mistakes of java and create their own proprietary language. Since it's just a bastardized version of C++ and java they just decided to cock dock mangle the '++' in c++ and came out with C# (pronunciation: "See Hash-or-pound-sign-depending-on-if-you-are-a-limey-or-a-septic"). This is to confuse script kiddies to think C# isn't a shit language like Visual Basics. C# is basically VB.NET with curly braces and is intended as a means to impress potential employers who are well informed about programming languages. Microsoft then went on to produce J# (pronunciation: "G'zhey Hash-or-pound-sign-depending-on-if-you-are-a-limey-or-a-septic") which was also intended as a competitor to Java, thereby rendering C# useless and irrelevant to everyone.
