Chris-chan
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| This person has Assburgers Syndrome, so you can't say anything bad! :-( Be aware of that, you insensitive fuck. |
Chris-chan (AKA: Sonichu, CWC, Christian Weston Chandler), born February 24, 1982, is a perverse, gay, overweight, self-proclaimed "high-functioning autistic" virgin, and creator of his own awesomely drawn series of comics starring his brilliant crossover of Pikachu and Sonic. He is incredibly arrogant, sexist, homophobic and racist. Despite being a complete loser, his standards for a "potential Sweetheart" are laughably high and specified. He is known to stereotype women, often thinking that they are unable to notice him at the mall because they are "too busy shopping". In addition, he has shown his contempt for fags and niggers several times in his videos and comics.
His hobbies include creating My Little Pony figures with his own hair, stalking women at the mall, finding a "Boyfriend-Free girl to make into a Sweetheart from the Ground-Up", drawing pictures of himself having sex with his only friend, drawing porn of his hedgehogs, and recently, taking naked pictures of himself. It gets far worse, my friends...
Contents |
[edit] Background
Webcomic
His first comic was posted on March 15, 2005. The webcomic serves as a medium through which he documents problems he experiences in real life. These events include his adventures at the local mall, where he is accompanied by his imaginary friend Sonichu and ambushed by Jerkops (a portmanteau of "jerk" and "cop"). Most of his rage and artistic inspiration comes from the fact that he got butthurt because he was stalking people at the mall, and pretty much resisted arrest.
The Medallion of Power
Chris wears a medallion around his neck in homage to his yellow Sonic recolor. In public. As if that weren't lame enough, Chris-chan actually has three medallions: The Black Sonichu medallion, and a Rosechu medallion (which he planned on giving to his sweetheart), suggesting that he has far too much free time on his hands. Triple, in fact, the amount originally suspected.
Sexuality
In both his videos and comics, he has shown contempt towards gays, constantly rambling on about how homosexuality is bad, and repeatedly stating that he is straight. Chris' sexuality is up in the air, as he owns a dildo and anal beads and rambles on about sticking things in his ass while he masturbates. In his list of people he would not date, he lists autistics, high functioning or otherwise. Thus, Chris is also a self-loathing flaming faggot trying desperately to stay in the closet. And we all know homophobes are closeted gays themselves.
Love Quest
On his MySpace he explained his quest for a "boyfriend-free girl", and his stalking tendencies. Unfortunately for Chris, every woman on the planet appears to have a boyfriend. This has led to what Chris dubs noviophobia, literally a fear of boyfriends. ("Novio" is actually a Spanish word, and any term approaching the specific fear of boyfriends in meaning would be philosophobia.) Chris claims to hate every male other than himself and his father, because they "took all the pretty girls leaving [me] with no one to choose from".
Despite his being completely obsessed with the opposite gender, the stunningly hilarious truth is that instead of trying to engage other human beings in normal social activity, his brilliant ideas for bringing the ladies running are:
- Pacing around a lot, playing his GBA Video
- Shouting at walls, or "singing random songs from memory now and then"
- Sitting around at the mall with homemade sign that reads "I am a 25-Year Old, Single Male, seeking a Boyfriend-Free, 18-25-year old, caring, smoke-free, non-alcoholic white Single Female Companion" with an ARROW POINTING TO HIM, and actually expecting a woman to approach him and engage in conversation.
Family
Chris is the son of Barbara Weston Chandler, who is a batshit insane pathological liar, and Robert Franklin Chandler, a racist homophobe who abandoned his other children. Chris has several half-siblings on both his parent's sides, but as far as it is known, has only conversed at length with one of them: his half-brother, Cole, who despite sharing chromosomes with Chris and being raised by the same horrible mother seems to be a pretty normal guy.
Barbara gave birth to Cole when she was around 20 years old and was raised by her and a stepfather named Jerry, who both apparently beat the shit out of Cole on a regular basis. At some point, Barbara, ever the good Christian, abandoned Cole and has rarely seen him since. Cole now understandably hates her guts, but even more so now because Barbara refuses to divulge the identity of his biological father. Cole has tried numerous times to find out exactly who his biological father is, but each time Barbara either hangs up on him or gets Chris to lie to him for her. From Chris' hacked email account, Chris offered to get the truth out of Barbara, but only if Cole would vote for him in his stupid PaRappa contest. Chris did ask his mother about it, but apparently she lied once again. Chris himself was more interested in the PaRappa contest than his brother's plight, showing just how self-absorbed he truly is.
Further reading divulged the possibility of a touching family reunion between Chris and Cole as soon as Bob Chandler "drops fucking dead". This will occur as the result of a self inflicted bludgeoning from a moonshine bottle when Barack Obama is inaugurated.
Crystal Weston Chandler
Christian claims to have started his ill-begotten love quest because he wants a daughter whom he will "dubly" call Crystal Weston Chandler (apparently after the illustrious metal). He also made her in the form of one of his "My Little Pony" figures, and made a separate file in the game Animal Crossing, and played as her.
Other Info
Another incredibly sad hobby of Chris' is to collect My Little Pony figures. Not only does he collect them, he actually makes his own. Out of his own fucking hair.
[edit] The Comic Itself
The comic stars Sonichu, a Pikachu/Sonic hybrid, and CWC, who for some reason is Sonichu's father. The comic initially stars Sonichu, until Chris steals the spotlight and the comic focuses on him entirely. Audiobook versions can be viewed here.
Issue 2
- Sarah Hammer and Wes Iseli, who along with Chris gain the ability to transform into hedgehogs.
- Sarah Hammer was actually Chris' girl friend (not girlfriend) when he was younger.
- Wes Iseli is the guy she started dating, and thus is portrayed as a villain.
- Later, Sarah tells Chris that she's with a new boyfriend named William and Chris begins to hate him.
Issue 4
- All the stories are based off Chris' encounters with the police or Mary Lee Walsh.
Issue 7
- The first comic after a year long hiatus, he reminisces about his past and how his current life sucks.
- He also attempts to deny reality: he never did draw a picture of him having sex with Megan, his old friend Joshua did not betray him, and ED does not exist.
Issue 8
- Features an intricate explanation of how Sonichu and Rosechu have sex.
- Sonichu and Rosechu go after Jason Kendrick Howell from 4-Cent_Garbage.com for drawing Rosechu with a dick.
- Jason rejects them for the lulz and throws a pickle at Rosechu. Rosechu then strips her clothes off, screams a battle cry about how she's a woman and face-rapes Jason to near-death.
- Rosechu and the other female hedgehogs then band together, preparing to strip for women's rights.
- Chris tries to hide his pedophile tendencies by creating Zapina, a 14-year old girl who wants to model but is turned down because Rosechu is so responsible.
[edit] Notable characters
Sonichu
Although the Comic book is named after Sonichu, Chris' original and copyrighted character, he is only truly involved as a side kick to Christian. His only purpose in recent episodes is to make sleazy sex references and bang Rosechu.
Rosechu
Sonichu's worthless, 1-dimensional girlfriend. She enjoys flowers, shopping, and getting kidnapped on a regular basis. She is completely incompetent and constantly relies on Sonichu to do even the most menial of tasks for her. This is Chris' idea of women and a fantastic example of why he will never get laid.
Mary Lee Walsh
In real life, Mary is the dean of Piedmont Virginia Community College, which Chris attended. In fact, she even wrote a book titled "The Freshman Experience: Creating College Success Piedmont Virginia Community College" designed to help the students. At one point she thought that Chris' tactic of sitting next to a sign was an attempt to solicit sex on campus (what any normal human being would think), and ripped it up. She then had him kicked out and banned for a year. He obsesses over her because of this, and thus within the comic she is depicted as a gray-haired witch with a viking helmet.
Chris has also shown his hatred towards Mary on several other occasions. He made a hilarious video asking for fictional character Harvey Birdman's Dirdban's assistance to fight "THAT EVIL BITCH MARY LEE WALSH FOREVAR!!1" in a contest. He then questioned why he didn't win. He also made a video of him fighting Mary Lee Walsh as a custom character in Soul Calibur 3. Despite his loud, squeaky proclamations of hate for Walsh, he still took the time with his Magic Markers to make hideous porn of her.
Sailor Megtune
A character based on Megan, one of Chris' "gal-pals" in real life. Within the comic, Megtune didn't really do anything other than feel sorry for Chris and shoot lasers out of her guitar for no apparent reason.
Crystal
Chris' imaginary twin sister, disturbingly given the same name as his future daughter.
Reldnahc Naitsirhc
Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE of Chris. You can tell he's bad because his name is Chris' real name spelled backwards. What an imaginative character! Because he is the opposite of Chris, he is evil and openly gay. Chris' homophobia stems from his sexual insecurity, and Rehldnahc is the pinnacle of these antics, portraying Chris as metaphorically fighting his evil, gay self so that he can stay straight and continue his love quest.
Interestingly, Naisirhc doesn't list the fact that he's gay as what makes him Chris' opposite, but rather the fact that he's open. Take that as you will.
[edit] IRL Drama
One example of the drama Chris has caused is a blog entry where some girl describes her encounter with Chris as he was wandering stores in search of his true love in late 2004 and can be viewed here.
[edit] Oh god, he wrote to Nintendo Power...
Chris wrote to Nintendo Power in April of 2005 to discuss the DS game Sprung: A horrible dating simulator, and was overjoyed to discover that they published his email. According to him, it was a "free personal", and he expects that it being published will somehow increase his chance of finding a woman.
[edit] Shigeru Miyamoto Responds
After countless obsessive e-mails to Nintendo, a clever troll decided to impersonate Shigeru Miyamoto, thus cementing the sheer impossibility of any Sonichu merchandise ever existing ever in.
| —Chris-chan, using stupid logic. |
[edit] Chris-chan's Important Message
In this nine minutes of pain Chris gives his stunted half-thought life advice on several subjects he remembers from middle school. A few of the things he says in the video:
- He says smoking will cause lung cancer, and a bunch of other half-assed facts he remembers from 7th grade health class.
- He says drinking is icky.
- He rambles on about how being gay is bad and you shouldn't "become" gay.
- He tells boys to play with My Little Ponies and girls to play with Transformers. This advice is supposed to help teenagers understand the opposite gender's hobbies.
- He states that while playing with My Little Ponies and Transformers, you might forget your gender and become gay.
- He proclaims that God doesn't like it and that it will be bad for your future family.
- He also calls being gay a vice citing, of all people, the famously bisexual Dr. Alfred Kinsey.
- He says people who don't like you for who you are "peanuts". So if you're a fag or black, feel free to call Chris a peanut.
[edit] A Winrar is Chris-chan
Thanks to the efforts of trolls everywhere, Chris-chan was able to win the GameStop Guitar Hero contest. He thinks that it was his loyal fans voted for him, but it was really Anonymous. For now we can only hope that he his chosen to be in the game so that the lulz can continue.
[edit] Chris in Real Life
1994 - Chris Actually Wins At Something
Chris won a Sonic the Hedgehog contest on February 26, 1994. [1] He hasn't changed much since then...
2003 - The Beginning of The Love Quest
It all began with Chris' jealousy directed towards Wes Iseli. When Sarah Hammer started dating Wes, Chris had to try finding someone else. He soon had an incredible revelation and concluded that all women in the world already had boyfriends.
Chris began searching for a BOYFRIEND-FREE girl with the use of a sign that stated:
| —CWC, |
The dean, Mary Lee Walsh, destroyed the sign. Chris' Love Quest was also foiled by Security Guards of Fashion Square Shopping Centre. He was handcuffed and kicked out by Jerkops "for trying to attract a Boyfriend-Free Girl".
As for Wes, I blame all of these happenings on him. If he had not taken my life-long friend away from me, I might have a Pretty Girlfriend today. And I would not have had to set out on endeavoring LOVE QUEST!
2004 - Still Failing
Taken from an entry on old Chris' MySpace Page:
"Since, October, 2004, I've learned new, disturbing things. Like that having the sign next to, on or around me, represents, in a Body-Language way, shows that I may have some sort of mental condition, or that I was seeking a girl, only for Hanky-Panky. Of which is not true at all; I need a Girlfriend, Solely for LOVE and TRUST! Also, as of early November, I was reemitted into the Fashion Square Shopping Center, and since Mid-December, I totally left the UVA as an Attraction Location. I realized that I have no problem conversing with girls (as in Instant Message), but to approach a girl is much, much tougher for me.
Also, I've learned from Wes that Sarah left him, and got herself paired up with another JERK (of which I later learned that his name was William). And I am not sure how to get in touch with her now."2005 - Chris' heart down to 15%
One day in March, 2005, I now go to Fashion Square, on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, with my Nintendo DS, GBAVideos, GBAJukebox, my Sonichu Scrapbook, and I've brought up some courage to start saying "Hello" to the girls I find very pretty, and possibly Boyfriend-Free.
Earlier this week, a girl, who shall remain nameless in this story, finally noticed and approached me. I was hoping for a moment like this. And she asked me to have a beverage with her and talk about things. I was very ESTATIC, and my SHATTERED Heart had a speedy recovery back to 100%; We had a nice "Mini-Date," I maintained Eye-Contact, I was very attentive, and I took notes about her. I thought she was very pretty, I enjoyed her charming wit, and I found her to be a very nice and lovely girl. But, later on, as I was figuring out steps for future dates, I learned from a couple of Gal-Pals, that I have previously made at the Shopping Center, that my new girlfriend was not serious; she was setting me up for a prank. I could not believe it at first, so I found and asked her myself. Unfortunately it was true. I was shocked, and my heart was re-shattered down to being 15% intact.
The entire story has been documented in the Sonichu comic.
[edit] The Megan Saga
2005 - Beginning
The person who we know the most about is Megan Schroeder, who has had a huge influence on the comic and Chris himself. Megan's first email to Chris was sent in late 2005, (Nov 5th) and was about something on eBay she wanted him to buy. Megan sent dozens of similar emails, and it would appear she was unable to buy these things online herself, so she asked Chris to get them for her, repaying him once they were delivered. In December, she sent an email in which she remarked that the antagonist of one of the Sailor Moon movies came off as "kind of queer", possibly influencing Chris' homophobia.
2006 - Unrequited Love
Throughout the first half of 2006, Megan explained to Chris that she was not looking for a boyfriend, so her rejections of his advances were nothing personal. Megan also began to request that Chris give her more personal space. She made a point of explaining that she still valued Chris' friendship, despite constantly reminding him to detach himself from her. Issue 5 of Sonichu, which introduces Sailor Megtune, was started on April 29, 2006. Chris' touching of her became more and more of an issue...
| —Megan, July 15th, 2006 |
| —Megan, June 25th 2006 |
Megan even called Chris out for his childish view on his love quest.
However I can't say I like how you call him a lucky "jerk" Why is he a jerk? Why do you call ALL guys that? Because they "Take all the pretty girls leaving you none to choose from?" Hate to be blunt but that's a pathetic way to think! You don't go to a mall and buy a girlfriend! The thing is, the guys didn't take all the girls... The girls just didn't choose you. Quit blaming other men! Girls chose who their boyfriend was too!
...
Just because YOU don't have a girlfriend doesn't give you the right to HATE ALL MEN!! It's not THEIR fault! The world doesn't revolve around you. And keeping this grudge will really get you nowhere.
...
So I often wonder: If I was an ugly girl, you wouldn't even come near me would you?
--Megan, August 7th 2006
In a blog entry that Megan never read, Chris describes Megan in an intimate way, despite the fact that she has already kindly rejected him at least a dozen times by this point.
For days to weeks to months to years, I Felt So Lonesome and Incomplete. But I didn't STOP! In the name of Love, and the fact that there had to be a Boyfriend-Free Girl out there, somewhere, for me to get to know, grow a strong companionship with and make into a Sweetheart from the Ground-Up, so in later years, after the inevitability of my parents leaving me, I WON'T BE ALONE. And I can eventually realize my dream of being a good husband, and father of a pretty girl named Crystal.
Eventually, light a magical lighthouse that randomly shone its healing guiding light upon my previously Shattered Heart and tortured Soul, and mended them back to good shape and form, one girl walked into my life, like a Sailor Soldier having just vanquished a heart-snatcher. Bit by bit, I've noticed her shining lustrous hair, here shiny Blue Chaos Emerald-like Eyes, and a personality strong, caring and true like a Buttercup bloom. I followed my recovered heart's instincts and Followed Her.
Yet, one can't stay on such sweet passionate feelings without a few speed bumps in the road of life. Even though I didn't mean to give the impression that I was being forceful; for heaven's sake I wouldn't ever dare to force her to do anything she didn't want to, but she reminds me times that she isn't ready for Love beyond Friendship. I have no feelings against her wish, and I respect her decisions and feelings. Oh, but even though she Doesn't Say it, or return it, I Love Her, and no matter what, those feelings wills stand strong as time itself. And Sometimes I would want to touch her shoulder or back, feel her hair or give her a hug. I hold those urges back, because I care about her. And to keep myself from flying crazily off the handle at a random time, I keep my hormones in check at least twice a week by myself.
Suddenly, despite constantly being told that she just wants to be friends with him, when Chris realizes that Megan had a boyfriend, this changes everything!
| —Same blog |
2007 - The Parappa Contest
At one point, Megan went on a trip to Kentucky. Chris emailed her constantly, with some not-so-subtle hinting that he loved her, despite the fact that she had previously told him she wasn't interested.
| —Chris, July 15th 2007 |
He said something along those lines in pretty much every email he sent. It was around this time that he created a video to enter a Sony contest centered around PaRappa the Rapper.
About June 29th, I created, edited and submitted an video entry for Playstation.com's Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown. I submitted it through e-mail, as well as uploading it to YouTube and Veoh. I just got an E-Mail from the Playstation people, and Good News...
"Congratulations! Your Parappa the Rapper video contest entry has made it into the voting phase of the contest.
...
It would be so awesome if I won the Grand Prize... a trip for two to Seattle, WA for the Penny Arcade Expo. And I couldn't think of anyone better to be there with me than you. :)
--Chris, 18th of July 2007
I am spreading the word throughout MySpace, my Sonichu, Pokesite 2 (english and spanish), Hot Wheels, and Bionicle websites, through the Playstation Network (with help from playing online with Motorstorm to get names), and Locally at the Game Place and such about voting for my PaRappa the Rapper Video. I'd really like to win that trip and those PSPs, so I can share the expierence with you, my closest, sweetest friend. <3 Who knows, maybe I can wing it for good results. :)
At least I can keep you up-to-date, even though it may still be a while before you can read these E-Mails.
I'll send you another one soon. Have the Happiest of 21st Birthdays, because you've got a nice family to share it with and me.
--Chris, 23rd of July 2007
I fantasy you and me taking the trip, having fun at the Penny Arcade Expo, maybe take a tour of the Nintendo of America company, playing Guitar Hero with you on my PS3 in our hotel room, and basically just being with you, period. :) And I would give you and John the two PSPs (but I would keep one of the two PaRappa the Rapper games). But I digress...
That's enough from my heart (blush) for a while, my sweet friend. I'll e-mail you again soon.
--Chris, 28th of July 2007
The video can be viewed here.
Video Summary: Chris waves his arms and legs around pathetically while almost rapping about Master Onion A la mode. To top it all off he applies random stock video effects for the win.
Chris was shocked he didn't win and so he wrote to the contest organizer:
In addition to my message on your machine...
I REALLY WANTED THAT TRIP SO I COULD HAVE A CHANCE TO IMPRESS MY SWEETEST MEGAN AND POSSIBLY FULFILL MY DREAM OF GETTING MARRIED AND SOON HAVE A DAUGHTER NAMED CRYSTAL. YET NOW I, A FRUSTRATED HIGH-FUNCTIONALLY AUTISTIC 25-YEAR OLD VIRGIN, HAVE BEEN BALLZ-BROKEN LIKE I HAVE THROUGH A BIG CHUNK OF MY LIFE IN AMERICA'S FAVORITE GAME, "KICK THE AUTISTIC!" *sigh*
I had my fantasies of having fun with Megan, taking her to a really extravagent destination (I am not rich), taking a long-wanted tour of the Nintendo of America company tour, with her, playing Guitar Hero against the guy in the PaRappa costume, jamming with Megan in the hotel room and possibly our first time in the bed...*sigh*
Life can be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo unfair and f***ing corrupt.
But I digress; TAKE THE A-CAPELLA RULE TO THE MAX on those THREE out of ten videos. (:_(
Here, we see Chris admit that he wants to have with with Megan. An hour later, when he emails Megan, he omits his sick fantasy, but admits to attempting to rig the contest in his favor.
Subject: Well, I'm emotionally busted... :(
I just learned that I am not the winner of the PaRappa Chop Chop Master Onion Contest; among their ten videos, they were organized Alphabetically (I checked the html source, and that explained why I was number 7. Anyway, that lucky jerk, admstackhouse (assumed to be his e-mail name), gets to go to Seattle. That SOB should have really been disqualified; his dance was supposed to be MUSIC-FREE, yet he has some s***y beatbox noises in the background throughout his video (so did two others).
I am Angry, Depressed and Lonesome ALL SIMULTANEOUSLY. I worked so d*** hard; I sent like over 500 messages between MySpace, Playstation Network and AOL. And I even made up over 120 dummy e-mail accounts to match with their dummy Playstation accounts, so I could stuff the f***in' ballot...
I really wanted to take you somewhere fun and exciting so you and I could be together for longer than usual...and I really wanted to give you and John each a PSP... *sigh* I've failed. So much effort...rappin' and dancin' with goofy effects to be even considered...spreading the word as far and wide as possible...wasted. And I did it all for you, Megan; I had you in my heart as I chopped the Onion A-La Mode dance...I gave so much energy, even had a gut virus for a couple of days...crazy I guess.
Anyway, I'm not in such a delighful mood at this time; it may take a few days or so for me to recover...then again, you make me feel happy...I just realized that you were and still are a continuing inspiration for me. I looked at you in our photo ever since you left for Kentucky, and I get a happy feeling... from the feeling of having you to fall on when I feel low. You are such a delightful listener, and you are truly intelligent when you talk about what interests you and such. I am so delighted to have you in my life, and I appreciate you everyday. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3
Oh, so what if I didn't win that trip; I still can look forward to being able to coming over to your house, or you to mine, sometime. And I will get to see you at least on Fridays (although I'd like to be able to be with you much more than that). I like you so much, Megan.| —Chris, Swearing on his Autism, 5th of August 2007 |
Unable to take much more of Chris' increasingly disturbing behavior, Megan finally snapped, and sent Chris a "soul-shattering" email in response to his recent antics.
| —Megan, August 8th 2007 |
Despite having the 'shit fucked out of [his] heart', Chris sent this email to Sony:
I was solely depressed earlier when I called, because my Sweet Megan went AWOL. Justice will still be done, sworn on my Autism. I will still accept the prizes.
Chris sent another e-mail soon after having the 'shit fucked out of his heart', mentioning something rather disturbing:
Subject: Hey...How you doing?
It's been a while, and I haven't heard anything from you. So I thought I would check in.
I can only imagine what your may be feeling from the recent trauma. I truly care and worry about you. I wanted you to know that I blurted out my confession, because my heart was hit so bad, that it sprung a leak... it leaked pain, torment and the deep feelings I had held in for so long. *sigh*
I can't apologize enough for hurting you the way I did with my jealously over the rule-violating winner, for my lonely, wandering hands wanting to feel your gentle, and spunky, soul, for figiting over such trivial gestures that some others were permitted to share with you, whereas you wouldn't permit me to for your reasons... Not knowing your current feelings, not knowing what else is going on in your world, not knowing if you and I are still the closest friends to have been for almost two whole years... is all a great weight on my still-recovering heart and my tearful soul... It's hard for me to enjoy things as I did while I knew you and I were sweet friends, and as I felt there could have been a strong foundation for my one bright future in this cursed Autistic life. But since I read that message last week and not having heard anything new from you, my faith for that future felt sooo lost; my faith in our friendship wained thin.
I CAN'T LOSE YOU, Megan Schroeder, you are the foundation of my happiness after the depression from my LONG, ENDURING Love Quest, you are the inspiration for me to carry on as I was able to for the past greater than a year and so on, you were the reason that I was able to shed fewest tears for that time.
Please, please, please, forgive me, let me know that you and I are still the closest friends, and don't deprive you and me of our fun by boycotting the Friday trips to the Game Place.
Truly, I just would fall into an infinite sink-hole of depression if I lost you from my life, and it would be an unbearable tragedy... *sigh*
Please reply as soon as possible.
<3<3<3.....<3........<.....3................
Christian Weston Chandler.
There was a dead silence between the two for a while, but at one point things resumed. It would appear that an incident occurred involving another individual named Chris, full name Christopher.
The hugging was one thing, but when I heard the smack of your kiss on his cheek, it started a chain reaction in my head from "OMG" to simultanious infuration and jealousy. I assure you that I would not do anything extreme to Christopher.
Originally, I was not fond of him, because it was obvious that he was a homo. Yes, I am a homophobe; I fear them all, and I fear the tormenting temptations of falling off the straight path. But then I mentally, sometimes from a DVD (and if you'll pardon the expression), shove some pussy in my face.
...
I was programmed to be more favorable towards women over those of my gender. With the infinitely high Boyfriend-Factor, I am not fond of about 99.999999999996% of the total male population, with a margin-of-error of the 4 billionth of a percent (for about 100 men) of whom are okay acquaintences. Those doofs get all the luck, having a Sweetheart to care for and to be cared from, getting all the hugs, kisses and emotional support and the security of a solid future without lonliness and with love and children. And besides that, my Autism is not much help on the programming of my mind. *sigh*
I have been trying to move on, but I still have caring feelings for you, Megan, since I still have not found another Boyfriend-Free woman to transfer the care to. I sit at the UVA's Alderman library for Three Hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays, with a printed advertisement taped on the bar-type furniture across from me, and I am waiting, hoping and praying to be found/picked up by a Boyfriend-Free, 18-25-year old, caring, smoke-free, non-alcholic, white woman, who will voluntarily be my Gal-Pal to Girlfriend to Sweetheart. Can you understand the loneliness I feel from days and days of not even being approached by a caring someone while I wait and wait and wait to be found by a caring someone? Not only is it Very Lonesome, but it is Tiresome, Troubling and Frustrating... *sigh* It's been that way since the beginning of my Sweetheart Search in August, 2003. Granted the relieving heart poundings I felt for you for over a year, until the e-mail I received during the Parappa contest last August.
But rest-assured, aside from the past issues and angst against the males of the Boyfriend-Factor, I, Christian Christopher Weston Chandler, have not and will not ever have any intention of killing or murdering or physically ensue pain towards any person, including your Christopher.
I am sorry about Friday night, Megan.
Take care; Christian Christopher Weston Chandler.
He obviously still hasn't gotten the message that Megan doesn't want him, so when this "Christopher", who happens to be openly gay, gets kissed by Megan, he somehow thinks that the other Chris did something wrong. He seems to have done something that scared the other Chris, to the point where he thought Chris was going to murder him, and pissed Megan off. When he emails Megan back, we see his reasoning behind his homophobic antics. He's afraid of becoming gay.
He also suggests that he wants to remain straight for the sole purpose of raising a family, rather than because he is attracted to women. In addition, he is fully open to the idea of a sex change. This entire incident is the inspiration behind Reldnahc. Chris also reveals he has reverted to his Sign Approach of attracting women. Megan responds with...
Subject: what's up?
Christian I can probably understand how you're feeling. You looked pretty pissed.....not to mention giving my friend the "fucky finger".
Why? Why do you hate him so much? Cause now he's really scared that you're going to go after him and kill him!
Besides if you have to hate someone, it should be me because I'M the one who didn't return your feelings and didn't want a serious relationship. Remember I have the right to decide who I want to be with. Now I'm not saying that I hate you. You are still my friend....that is if you're going to stop keep getting grudges and tormenting my friend. You're hatred and jealousy towards him is affecting me as well. How do I know you're not going to do something rash? So please just leave us alone.
I'd like for you to just accept this and move on. You have no right to hate him, he did nothing bad to you! Personally I thought you'd actually be happy for me. So please listen to me and please don't do anything bad and just leave Chris alone.
Subject: I now understand.
I understand the possible irriation from being touched, but I now realize what may have set off the burst of anger. It was because of my immature behavior (with jealousy) over the winner of that contest, wasn't it? I wanted you to know that I have honestly given up on that erronious behavior. I do apologize for having expressed that anger, and I offer a peaceful rainbow as my promise to not get jealous and express such anger again.
You, Megan, truly are an inspiration for the better, even a neccessary "better half", for me. I thank you for leading me toward the light of better judgement.
Chris mistakenly thought that Megan was mad over the PaRappa contest. Once again, there was a long period of silence between the two. He then drew five rule 34 pictures including one of Chris himself fingering a girl with censored eyes uploaded on September 11th, 2007.
2008 - Chris Chan vs. Encyclopedia Dramatica
Unsurprisingly, Megan did not like the fact that Chris had drawn, signed and uploaded such imagery.
I just don't know what to say now....
I am very much scarred by that image and it will never leave me. And I can't decide what's worse, the image in general, or the fact you intentionally drew it AND gave it to the webmaster for that site that you hate so much. Note only have you poured gas on the fire by doing that,(adding obscenity to the already horrific site) but you have also embarrassed and humuliated me, and degraded and demeaned me whether you realize it or not. I mean I'm not that kind of girl, and you know that. So why? And you also lied to me about it.
--Megan, March 12th 2008
I hope you're doing well. Anyway, I'll get to the point; there is a way you can work with me on the elimination of the "Chris-chan" page on Encyclopedia Dramatica, basically the pages on whole ED website are wiki (similar to html editing), and setting up an account to edit the page is free; you may want to use a fake e-mail address. Anyway, you can remove the all the junk they put about you on there, as well as the drawing from the page for starters, but be careful not to take out TOO MUCH; they may undo your doing, so you may want to make multiple edits; remove the story on the first time, then add some random thing that comes to your mind onto the bottom of the page. I've managed to have the drawing removed and replaced with a different, yet similar image for a while, but they undid that bit of my handiwork.
I can only do so much at one time, since after I make an edit (behind their backs), they "ban" my IP address from undoing their undoing, and I have to wait a few hours to a day or two before I can anything more against them.
--Chris, 16th March 2008
Look, my main issue is NOT the website itself. It's just the fact that you drew those weird pictures. Um....ok...so instead of removing that one completely, you just enlarge my crotch....thanks a lot....WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST REMOVE IT??!!
Well I'm sorry but that just makes me more angry in a way. It's not that actual sex-act that traumatises me, it's the fact that you fantasize doing such things to me when you know I would never. It's like, how do I know that you're not going to abduct me and such? That was a figure of speech. You know what I mean? It creeps me out you have such thoughts about me. It's like you're stalking me so you really need to back off.
...I don't care how lonely you are, I haven't had luck with relationships either, but I don't boast about being a "virgin with rage" When you say things like that, it just makes it sound like you're looking for someon to fuck.
I'm sorry to say this but you're partially to blame for some of the content on the site. Because things about me and things they quoted about me came from you obviously. You have those blog things and so you blabbed to the whole cyber world about the angry email I sent you last summer. Ok, just WHOSE business is it anyway? Id on't understand why you post things involving me like that. And you also made it sound that I just wrote you an angry email and you had nothing to do with it, when in fact the reason being was because I was sick of telling constantly to stop touching me. That is SEXUAL HARRASSMENT. I wrote the email in reponse to what YOU did wrong to me.
--Megan, March 16th 2008
[edit] Drama at the Game Place
The Game Place, a store where he volunteered, was soon subject to his antics when anon took several photos of him.
Subject: Hey, Anna
I have been recovering from the worst weekend of my life. In a nutshell, explicit fan art freaked me out, then someone else put a copyright symbol on their fan art (giving the impression of Sonichu being theirs), I responded to both offenses appropriately, then I Googled "Sonichu", and I found a page that deficated on my person and character. And the second photo-jpg on there was actually taken at The Game Place last Friday, with me thinkin' the dude was taking a pic of the child I was playing Pokemon TCG with. I had asked the guys at The Game Place to check their servaliance camera footage of the timeframe, so I could possibly learn the identity of the person who took that photo. But the guys could not get it to work; they have to talk to their boss-type person. One of them put things in perspective for me, I calmed down for a while. Then my mother comes in during my peace with a lecture of doing more things around the house; I waited for her to finish, then I bursted out the events in a mouth-running-faster-than-my-brain fashion. Now, she is possibly on a warpath against this dude. A hacking terrorist group, Anonymous, and 4Chan are somehow involved in that page as well.
Chris-chan - Encyclopedia Dramatica
*sigh*
I'm sorry; I'm still recovering from the worst weekend of my life. I'll get back to you with more positive information soon.
Take care; Chris Chan.
Chris does some "investigating" of his own into the matter, subtle as usual.
Subject: Follow up
I have been investigating, in addition to out-of-spite "adding fire to the flame", since I've first found it randomly in that fateful day, November 2, 2007. Please allow me to fill you in. My first major clues of a matching duo were the original date of the document creation, Wednesday, Ocotber 31, 2007, and this .jpg, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/4chan, which was obviously taken on the previous Friday, October 26, 2007. For the week, my family and I were pondering the major suspect; the dude who took that pic, which I distinctly remember seeing the camera flash while I playing a young gentleman in Pokemon TCG. Thus, my family came in and we found that Mimms had the camera in question, but he did not take the picture. Then we've suspected Lucas, but we did not question him at the time. But a more obvious expression reply was found by myself, when Saturday March 8, 2008, at the Gamestop in Forest Lakes, the Midnight release event of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, Mimms and I were watching a pair of tournament players brawling; one was playing Donkey Kong. So it brought up to mind my first word being "Monkey", so I told Mimms that. And with a turn around towards the accompanying Lucas, I said in his direction, "Well, that's something new you didn't know about "be-4" about this "Chan". I noticed a look on his face like, "Wow, I can totally wail on that tidbit of information." He said nothing. And today, I looked up 4Chan on Wikipedia.com, http://www.encyclopediadramatica.com/Image:Chrischannov2007.jpg, apparently 4Chan is solely a web thing that people can go on and mess around for the attention, with examples of false bombings, hackers on MySpace, and more similar events listed on there. Upon the collected information on this case I've let set on the back-burner for a while, I can only suspect Lucas for being the culpret in putting that page up in the first place, because, seeing how close Mimms and Lucas were, he had as much access to the beforementioned pic from October 26 as Mimms did. Also, I photographically remember the person who took my pic that day being tall and wearing a long coat. I'd like to put Lucas under a spotlight and question him about this whole thing, then put him behind bars for descreation of someone else's character. I'd question him myself, but Mike of the Game Place said after my mother and father questioned Mimms that Friday night, if I were to bring up ANYTHING about that page again, he would kick me out of the Game Place for like a month. If you'd like to talk to Lucas discreetly about the subject, I'd appreciate it for the benefit of my investigation.
Megan, I am sorry about this whole mess, and having drawn that drawing, and raging the fire and hurting your feelings and emotions. If I can, not only will I get that drawing off that webpage, but I'll try to take down the whole thing. But I can't do it alone (my mother and father have been letting it set on the back-burner without giving it much thought).
I can only hope you'll forgive me, but no matter what, I still love you as my closest gal-pal.
I hope you feel better soon; Chris Chan.
It's clear that he just couldn't resist and brought up the ED page again and was kicked out, and he had also once attempted to go in the back where the employees work without permission.
Subject: More words to add, since I was typing the earlier message on my PSP...
...
I've sent an apology letter to Michael at the Game Place; I hope that he will have an open heart, accept the apology and allow me back into The Place. Otherwise, if his heart was so dang sealed shut, he would really be showing himself off as the biggest Jerk and potential B-tard.
[edit] Joshua Martinez
We don't actually know very much about Joshua, just a few key facts. Chris knew him from his old school, and recently met up with him again, and was getting along fine. Apparently, Joshua was very popular with women and had met some famous celebrities. For some reason, Chris became extremely jealous and even tried to get ED to go after him.
Subject: Thank you, Anna
But I'm certain that it's just some dude with nothing better to do with his time. He'll probably get tired of doing anything after a week or two, if I do not respond harshly or post anything new. I told my mother she can do whatever she wanted on that, just be careful. My only concern about that is finding out who took that photo pic last Friday and why. Other than that, I'm recovering with the intent of just moving on with my life.
Okay, now for the good news. Have you ever met Joshua Martinez? He's an ol' buddy of mine; we went to JMU during our childhood for Special Education classes. He carpooled with me and my father in his car. While in Harrisonburg, we would have lunch at Country Cookin', and have fun at the park (can't remember the name) that used to have an empty airplane. He is a mix of American and Spanish.
Also, Joshua has cousins who are a band in Hollywood, so Josh has met stars such as Britney Spears, Jessica Alba (Josh told me about Jessie being a mix of American and Spanish), and others. Like I said, Joshua is popular; he's got the looks and the height (about 6'2").
After running to him at McDonalds at Forest Lakes a few weeks ago, he's kept in touch with me more than I would have after that day, and we've caught up in more or less the current events in our lives. He has become VERY Popular with the ladies, I tell you what. :D He's also hooked a few of his male acquaintances with a good gal each. I am no different.
Also, recently, Joshua received an extra Nintendo Wii console from a friend, so he sold it to me for a solid $240 (I saved about 22.49 in comparison to buying at a store after tax).
Megan broke up my emotions for her after the PaRappa contest, but we're still ONLY Friends. After that e-mail, I've moved on, back to the coal mines (so to speak). Granted that I have had absolutely no luck in having ANY women come to me while I hung out at the Alderman Library up to now. Joshua found a gal who WAS interested in me, after reading about me in my MySpace profile at least.
Her name is Lori Lopez. I chatted with her through AOL Instant Message last night... <3<3<3 She was really sweet, and not only did I have a great time getting to know her, but... *blush* I got turned on. I know that she works (at a car lot, I think), she is 23, brunette, brown eyes, and she is a mix of American and Spanish. If you've watched the movie, "Into The Blue," the starring woman, Jessica Alba is an American/Spanish mix as well. =C 2 I'm keeping the Sweetheart Search details on my profile until I know for certain that Lori is really to be my Sweetheart. :)
I gtg; my cell phone number is still the same, so feel free to call me.
Take care; Chris Chan.
Joshua and Chris both had Special Ed together. Note that Chris only values Joshua's friendship because he's popular with women, and that by being friends with him he might end up laid.
Subject: Just to let you know...
...
P.S. This is Lori; the girl my buddy Joshua is hooking me up with. She had it done at JMU; that's why it has her name on it.
At this point, Chris is still on good terms with him, and again, only uses him to get closer to a woman. The picture was of Vanessa Hudgens showing that even other special education kids will fuck with Chris.
Hello, Kat, I am Christian Chandler
You may or may not know me (depending on how often you're on the internet, and if you've found me by reference or search), but I have something to tell you about your "cuddle-butt", Jason. He has been playing a Major Cog in the Slander Factory known as Encyclopedia Dramatica, and among all the innocent victims that the website has vandalized beyond the worst embarrassment known to mankind within their grasp, your bully of a boyfriend is the Original Author of the "Chris-chan" page that was put up there for the "LULZ", "Laughs Under Lucricities". Which I don't have to tell you is not only mean and cruel, the page is HORRIBLE.
Against me, that page has broken the closest thing I've had to a relationship with Megan Schroeder, who I've finally had at her first time of saying with feeling, "I Love You" to me, then she found that page and she broke up with me. It broke my heart.
Also, the chaos from the page broke up the buddy friendship between me and my buddy, Joshua Martinez, who attended Special Ed classes with me during our childhood.
And after the first time I found that page myself, I went into a spiral of rage against that machine, that with the break-ups and chaos, I became depressed and went into a forced-by-personal-emotions hiatus.
There are numerous other chaotic happenings that raged from the ED page, but I can't remember them all.
Anyway, the point is, if it wasn't for your "Bully Next Door", I would not have to have had to endure the stress, emotional pains, break-ups, self-torments, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera!!!
Who knows what he may have in mind against you in relation. While he may have started with me, or possibly any one or more of the victims on Encyclopedia Dramatica, who knows when he will do something similarly evil or worse against you.
Oh, BTW, in other states, it IS illegal for his 20-year old self to be Dating 17-year old you.
My apologies for informing you and possibly causing emotional stress and rage, but I felt it was my duty to inform you before it was too late.
Peace,
Christian Weston Chandler.
In this email Chris sent to Kathleen, Jason's girlfriend at the time, Chris blames everything on ED. Despite his claims, this page shows that Chris finally realized that Joshua had duped him. And on a side note, Megan said she loved him? And was his girlfriend? They were in love? While vandalizing this page, Chris expressed his hatred towards Joshua here.
[edit] Chris and Sex
Interestingly, in all of his writings about his "love quest", Chris denies that he is searching for a woman just for "hanky-panky". This is most likely in self-defense against people like Mary Lee Walsh, he pretty much has to deny it so that he won't be arrested. However, in various emails to various people, he openly states the obvious, that he wants to bang his sweetheart. Even in his videos, Chris has difficulty describing sexual subjects, including simple things like saying the word "dick".
Chris appears to be stuck in a strange, child-like mentality where he feels guilty discussing sex. Because of this, he is forced to use different words, like "pickle" for dick, "hanky-panky" for sex, "boyfriend-free" for single, among other things. He started buying sex toys and porno videos back in 2006, and when discussing sex with other people (specifically Megan and a recent troll), he goes into intimate, almost scientific or educational detail. He talks about things people already know, acting like he is an expert on the subject despite being a virgin. When Megan claimed to be uncomfortable with Chris discussing sex, Chris goes into full detail of how a handjob works and that he has learned everything he knows from pornography.
In recent audio recordings, we have discovered a lot about Chris' sexuality. Mainly that everything he knows about sex is taken from porn and hentai. In other words, he thinks that gender stereotypes, dirty talk, and cheesy lines like, "This might hurt a bit at first" are part of actual sex. One of the audio recordings has him describing his ideal "first time", which is intricate, overly dramatic and mildly retarded. This and many other disturbing things can be read here.
[edit] Online Drama
When Chris first discovered this article on the 10th of November[[2]], he had a severe case of butthurt. He has since declared war on ED, going out of his way to destroy this article. Hilariously, he has shot himself in the foot several times in the process. Instead of the usual tactic of DELETE FUCKING EVERYTHING, Chris has actually uploaded images and information that would never be known otherwise.
[edit] E-mails
In the beginning, there were emails. This is possibly the first time anon had contact with Chris.
 MASTURBATIN' AND SQUIRTIN' has gone down in infamy. The same Anon shortly after drew the image he requested and send it off. |
 Oh lawd... |
 Oh lawd again... |
 Do you think he'll like all these? |
 Oh. I guess not. OH SHITS HE KNOWS!!11 |
 This won't end well. |
[edit] Chris Chan vs ED
Initially, Chris edited this article using his Reldnahc account. It's obvious that Reldnahc is CWC upon viewing his contributions. [[3]] Not only did he immediately attempt to upload one of his fucktarded songs, but he tried using 1337 HTML skills in an attempt to make the article as well designed as his website.
It seems that he finally realized the context of the article and snapped when he created another account, Chris-chan, and tried blanking the page several times. [Second attempt.] [Third attempt.] [The fourth attempt.]
This is hilarious coming from a 26-year old virgin who plays Yu-Gi-Oh, collects My Little Pony's and draws pictures of hedgehogs having sex. In his 6th attempt, he seems to think he can somehow use his incredible HTML skills to remove the article. [[4]].
Chris Shoots Himself in the Foot
Before erasing the entire article, Chris actually contributed, adding information that he hadn’t submitted anywhere else. He mainly added chunks of text from uncited sources. From these, we learn that Megan “shattered his heart”. He also printed out the Sonichu News Dash, a shitty newsletters about his comic, and distributed it at his school. He apparently had another conflict with Mary Lee Walsh over it.
But, it gets worse. He also uploaded rule 34 of his own characters. All of these things he added to the article can be found here: [[5]]
Bawww, take ED down
In this video, he talks mostly about his sincere disappointment in the fine folks of the internet for accusing him of being a "dumbass", a "homo", and a "pedofork", all the while waving his controller like a madman. He quickly tells us that "YOU are the homos".
| —Chris, on not knowing China has a little dick |
Chris corrects us in thinking the picture in question is his imaginary twin sister Crystal and tells us that it was Megan. Regardless, the drawing being of Megan doesn’t really help Chris’ case, only for Chris could revealing a colored-pencil sketch is a picture of you fucking your best friend be considered "less creepy".
He blames Encyclopedia Dramatica for breaking up the relationship between him and Megan despite the fact that she was never his girlfriend. He lies once again to attempt to make ED feel guilty about something.
In this video, he steadfastly maintains the purity of his motives.
| —CWC on how he's definitely not creepy |
[edit] Chris Chan Declares Victory
