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Capitalism

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

(Redirected from Capitalist)

An artist's rendition of The Man, owner of your ass and every company that makes everything you buy ever.

At its most basic, capitalism is an economic system which permits the exchange of money for sex with relatively little interference from a centralized government. In practice capitalism uses the The Man to keep down the bruthaman. The ultimite goal of any person under the system is to make as much money as possible while making everyone else as poor as dirt or some kind of shitty sub-dirt. It was invented by Robber Barons, God and your mom at least 100 years ago.

Calvin owns j00.

Capitalists believe that the Invisible Hand of the Market will lead the rich to heaven where they will achieve a level of wealth they could previously not even imagine. Capitalism is often the basis for much drama in LiveJournal political communities. Jews (except Noam Chomsky and communists) and conservative types argue that capitalism is the best way for the United States, and thus the world. Liberals and Communists (azad_slide and pirat_ponton, for example) think that it does nothing but fuck the poor. Capitalism was and is the driving force behind colonization and murder of non-Western peoples, but they deserved it. It spawned places like the United States and Good Korea.

In reality, the correct form of economic policy involves ePoints.

Capitalism is not to be confused with ALL CAPS.

1 Theory
2 History
3 Other Terms For Capitalism
4 Famous Capitalists
5 External Links

[edit] Theory

At least 100 years ago a man named Adam Smith was living in a shack in Scotland making a living cleaning horse shit. He suddenly had the idea that if people owned private businesses instead of working for feudal lords, a force called the "Invisible Hand" would guide people in the market to make decisions that would benefit everybody. He concluded that without a centralized government interfering in a perfect market and good conditions between buyers and sellers, people would be unable to exploit each other and would be motivated to provide good products and services in spite of exploiting each other. He ran off into the city and found a life-partner named David Ricardo who added to his theory later.

To have a "free market" there must be (1) "perfect competition" (no buyer or seller can unilaterally influence the market); (2) "perfect knowledge" (all buyers and sellers have the same information); and (3) "perfect mobility" (all buyers and sellers can move to where they have the greatest competitive advantage). Since this does not exist in the US or any other country, no country truly has capitalism. Insted we have Corporations that want to buy and sell your life like a cheap piece of crap from Walmart.

Although people claim that there is no alternative to capitalism today, that's total bullshit. Unlike the theory, in reality most capitalist countries are full of shitty service sector jobs and low wages.

[edit] History

Capitalism was popular among intellectual circles but nobles and kings hated it. Eventually people got sick of feudalism and overthrew it with the French Revolution and the war between Earth and Venus. Then everyone was happy and celebrated in the streets as businessmen hatched out of eagle eggs and swooped in piss down wealth on the proletariat. Everybody lived in paradise (except for the poor) buying Microsoft computers and selling Abercrombie & Fitch/Holister until Capitalism's nemesis came along later: Socialism.

The two ideologies fought each other across parallel dimensions for at least 100 years and eventually creating the Cold War after the epic battle of Mecha-Hitler and Robo-Stalin at Mount Olympus. This was cause for a lot of drama and lulz over the decades and still is to this day even with the end of the war as the two philosophies continue to fling shit at each other. Especially on online journals on teh Internets.

Neither ideology is dead (yet), but every now and then one will claim the other is dead and buried as a cheap way to claim victory. Some people think socialism died with the fall of "Communism" last Thursday (it didn't), but these days capitalism is looking more and more screwed as more poors protest against it every year. The heathens.