Captain Crunch
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Many Vietnam vets find their solace in heroin and whores. Captain Crunch (aka John Draper), on the other hand, took his tortured mind and abused Bell. Contrary to what he claims, he actually never had any skill besides soldering. Blue boxers had become the script kiddies of phreaking by the time Crunch was doing anything. He had a friend who realized that the 2600hz sound in a breakfast cereal toy was not the devil speaking to him, it was actually a time travel machine that could make free telephone calls. Woz recruited Crunch into his super elite hack team and they travelled around the US doing acid and confing. Soon, he turned media whore and spilled the beans to the Village Voice. The Man didn't like the fact that Captain Crunch was bragging so loudly about his skillz, so they put him in prison.
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Working with Woz
After working at Apple for a bit, he programmed one of the first word processors ever for the Apple ][ and the IBM PC -- therefore, he should be rich, but he's not because his code was all ripped from Bill Gates. He blew all his money on acid parties and virgin boy rape factories.
What he is doing now
Captain Crunch is now a dirty old man who convinces 18yo raver boys to let him touch them for "energy work" meditation. His pupils are pinholes and he's missing most ABSOLUTELY ALL of his teeth, likely due to meth. His incredible laundry list of famous people on his resume failed to get him any actual work. Once people realized he was completly clueless he had to start his own failure of a business... which then failed. He is now working as the CTO for a small start-up, a job which consists of harassing small children, harassing large children, acting like a child, and smelling very bad.
Failures
His first and only project was CrunchBox which was supposed to be an OpenBSD firewall+intrusion detection system. The project proved to be a huge failure and never went past anything more than talk. However if you talk to Draper he will claim that he sets up custom CrunchBox's for networks at 20 k a pop. Draper has pretty much slipped into obscurity, don't ever start a convo with him or you may never escape, especially if you are a teenage boy. But for those that are brave he can be IMed at jdcrunchman on aim. His other only project was an attempt at making a TV show (CrunchTV) targeted at noobs with the goal of "Handling 95% of all the security threats in the Internet Frontier". Future guests may include Kevin Mitnick, his energy-workout partners, or his friends.
Links
- Rotten.com profile on Captain Crunch
- cap'n crunch in cyberspace
- his myspace
- Cap'n tries to nab a young boy.
Gallery
 Cap'n tryin' to hand out energy massages to fifteen year olds. |
