Captain Planet
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Captain Planet a.k.a "a heroan hero". He claims he's "gonna take pollution down to zero", although by the looks of things he forgot about New York.
Blue guy, green mullet, red outfit, totally gay. Possibly the biggest fag and worst super hero ever as instead of going after rapists and serial killers, he goes after people who don't really care much about the rainforest.
The most politically correct show in the history of the world. Likely was produced by members of the World Government as a form of mind control to turn all the nation's children into fags. Only good for epic lulz though.
Captain Planet Chargin His Element!!!
Contents |
[edit] Characters
[edit] Gaia
A hippy bitch who is probably a member of PETA. She got pissed at all the polluting going on in developed countries so she picked five stereotypes to go fight big corporations by giving them magical rings empowered with the elements. Bitch probably ain't shaven. She was voiced either by Whoopi Goldberg or Oprah, or possibly both at the same time. She controls Captain Planet and is his domme, making Cap a Gaiafag.
[edit] Kwame
Kwame is from Africa and was given the power of earth. In an effort to be politically correct, Kwame was always the first one to shoot his ring into the air to summon Captain Planet or as a salute to Black Power. Ma-Ti was the last one to do so because his power was fucking useless. Kwame had sex with all the female planeteers.
[edit] Wheeler
A firecrotch from North America with the power of fire. He has red hair and is a cunt. Wheeler is the only one who ever uses his ring to do shit other than fight crime, so he's less of a cunt than the other Planeteers.
Since Wheeler is American and white, they always have him do all of the stupid and ignorant and uneducated and not-Earth-Smart shit, like not giving a shit about recycling or raping 5 year olds. AMERICA FUCK YEAH!
[edit] Linka
A Filthy Russian Commie with the power of wind. Unfortunately, she did not posses the power to get the fuck out of our country. Had a little thing for the firecrotch but woudn't admit to it. Typical Russian bitch. During one episode, she became a drug whore after Jeff Goldblum tricked her cousin into giving her pills. Like most drug addicts, however, she instantly got over her addiction by watching a family member overdose and kick the bucket.
[edit] Gi
A bitch with the power of water. The brains of the outfit, Gi has the power to create tsunamis and communicate with dolphins. Since she liked water so much, she was the Planeteer most likely to be depicted in a swimsuit, and therefore the Planeteer most likely to be masturbated to.
[edit] Ma-Ti
An Aztec with the power of heart. Seriously, that's what they came up with. Heart. This guy got fucked with a sandpapery horse cock. The other douchebags can control the Greek elements, and all this guy can do is talk to monkeys with his heart. I mean, fuck that shit!! Everyone is controlling tsunamis and shit and what does he get? The power of Heart. Mati was given this power because he was a gullible fool. Captain Planet can actually be summoned without the power of heart. The again, Aztecs do have a strong history of human sacrifice by means of heart extraction.
[edit] Captain Planet
The infamous twin brother of Captain Crunch. He has lead the 5 teenage fags into a new age of douchebaggery. When the assholes point their rings at the sky and yell out their power in order, always in order, Captain Planet springs into action. Captain Planet is a Socialist and uses bad puns (never a source of teh lulz) and fucks over the capitalist pigs that are just trying to make a buck by burning down the rain forest.
Captain Planet always ended up beating his enemies, which was hard to believe considering he was the wussiest superhero since Aquaman. To date, Captain Planet is the only superhero that could be defeated by throwing garbage on him or forcing his face in front of your car's tailpipe while revving up the engine. This is because Captain Planet is such a hippy, that even coming into contact with pollution would cause him to go limp and gaspy. While people like Batman and Sailor Moon would beat the shit out of you for doing so, Captain Planet would actually die if you threw a shitty diaper at him. Why the bad guys in this show never had a supply of shitty diapers on hand to combat him is one of the show's many mysteries.
[edit] Villains lol
Unlike villains of shitty 80s cartoons, these guys were willing to kill and didn't run away like pussies whenever the good guys showed up.
Also worth nothing, most of the villians were ugly, fat, or had accidental scars. The most politically correct show ever made teaches kids that ugly people are PURE EVIL. But apparently black people are ok.
[edit] Hitler
[edit] Hoggish Greedly
Hoggish Greedly was a big fat pig-faced fuck who's name is a parody of some old republican guy, though why the folks over at the Captain Planet studio thought children would get this reference is still a mystery. Likes to eat tortoise eggs because he is a retard.
[edit] Dr. Blight
Dr. Blight was a blonde scientist with a skunk stripe and a fucked-up eye, both of which she presumably got while doing evil scientist things. Her whole deal in the show was to misuse science by jamming lipstick into bunnies' eyes and creating machines that would clear-cut the rain forest and use the resulting paper to write unflattering fanfiction about the Planeteers. She also has the power to give nerds an erection.
[edit] Looten Plunder
Looten Plunder was a capitalist and the best-dressed person on the show. He would do such horrible and evil things such as being rich and succesful. It was never explained exactly how randomly building evil factories that produced nothing but giant clouds of smog made him money.
Looten Plunder was the villain who delivered the immortal lines "YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, CAPTAIN PLANET!"
[edit] Verminous Skumm
Half rat, half man and all Jew (in other words, pure fucking evil), Verminous Skumm threatened the environment by being voiced by Jeff Goldblum and watching people poop. Aside from that one problem, he was a pretty decent fellow.
[edit] Sly Sludge
Sly Sludge looked like someone cosplaying as one of the Ghostbusters. Dan Akroyd to be exact. Other than that, there was absolutely nothing about him worth mentioning or remembering.
[edit] Duke Nukem
Duke Nukem was basically a mutated guy who walks around leaking radiation. Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, shorts, and sandals he looks more like The Thing from the Fantastic Four going to a Jimmy Buffet concert rather than an evil scientist doing villainy as his origins suggested. Not to be confused with the beefy, misogynistic gun-wanker of the same name.
[edit] Captain Pollution
Captain Pollution was Captain Planet's evil twin. One time, all of the bad guys joined forces and stole the Planeteers' rings to make evil versions for themselves. When they did their fruity combining thing, Captain Pollution was born. He was basically Captain Planet with a really bad skin condition and a California surfer accent. His puns were also worse than Captain Planet's, if you can believe that.
 Captain Faggot |
 Captain Doofus |
 Captain Playa |
 Captain Fangirl |
 Captain Prostitute |
 Captain Seductive |
 Captain Hillbilly |
 Captain Party |
 Captain Holy What The Fuck |
 Rule 34'd with a guest apperance |
 Captain Macy's |
[edit] Internets Drama- Captain Planet style
"You don't even know where that bomb is. IT COULD BLOW UP YOUR OLD PEOPLE!"
