Car
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
.Cars transport people from point A to point B. They are also used to run over schoolchildren and small mammals, as mobile venues for buttsechs, and as ostentatious symbols of wealth that may or may not be financed through a bank. They are the number one source of polluting the air and eating up natural resources, which is pretty awesome. Cars are also the leading cause of death for Rob Levin.
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[edit] Cars as Mechanisms of Compensation
Some argue the size of a man's can be determined by the expense of his car. It is an inverse relationship, with a more expensive car indicating a smaller . The following formula can be used:
p = 1/c
Where p is the size in inches, and c is the cost of the car in thousands of dollars.
So, for example, someone with a $200,000 car would have a size of 1/200th of an inch.
However, there is an inherent flaw in this formula; a Chevy Suburban only costs about $35,000 but the men who buy large trucks like them have massive compensation complexes. While the owner of a $200,000 sports car is most likely only trying to compensate for his sexual prowess, the owners of these ridiculously large trucks are not only trying to compensate for his fail cock, but also overall masculinity.
Additionally, one can purchase a used 1990 Ford Festiva for about $500 off of craigslist. The only sort of person who would even consider such a vehicle would be mentally deficient and sexually dysfunctional. Bragging about your $500 Festiva, Chevette, or Geo will not make people think you have a large .
[edit] Cars by Country
[edit] American Cars
- It will not drive straight in my ass.
- If you drive one it will not survive penetration.
- You pay $100,000 for it and then double for gas because of american terrorists in Iraq.
- It will have 10 hours of engine before it breaks repeatedly.
- It consumes over 9000 gallons of gasoline per mile
[edit] Japanese Cars
Only azns drive these, but only after painting them neon yellow, gluing on shitty plastic body kits, and slapping a sticker with some moonspeak symbol on the hood. Asian drivers constitute the only group of people who defy the above compensation equations, etc., etc., and the joke writes itself.
They are cheap, and good quality, but srsly, who wants to be the faggot driving a Japanese car?
[edit] German Cars
They cost a shit load of money and are not worth it. However, you do get the satisfaction of looking cool and driving a car built with the blood and tears of a million jews.
- Only 1337 people drive them.
- That nerd in high school you beat the living shit out of on more than one occasion? He has five of them.
- They give American cars a run for their money in falling apart.
- BMW stands for Buy More Warranty
[edit] Chinese Cars
| , Buddhanate, Youtube |
[edit] Types of Cars
[edit] Sedans
Everyone and their mom owns a sedan. Sedans are four doors with a trunk. They can be expensive, or cheap, or slow or fast, but they all have some things in common: they're more fucking boring than a sports car, less useful than a hatchback, and end up being worth less than a convertible when you go to sell it. Basically, the perfect car for the pathetic failure which is yourself.
[edit] Hatchbacks
Hatchbacks are favored by Europeans, liberals, and vegetarians, who like the fact that the back seats fold down to allow for lots of gay, pedophiliac sex and drug use. They also love that their hatchbacks get 500 liters to the kilometer, since they're all treehugging leftards, and to maximize this economy, they drive ploddingly slow. Ironically, this causes everyone else on the road, in less efficient cars, to acceleate hard to get around them, thus negating any overall fuel efficiency.
[edit] Convertibles
Convertibles are for the person who likes to show off his money. Most convertibles are purchased by gays, 16 year old girls or by middle-aged men who still think that Burt Reynolds and David Hasselhoff are the epitome is masculine sexiness. Either way, the average convertible driver loves the cock.
[edit] Sports Cars
Sports cars are primarily intended for people who wish that they were race car drivers but aren't actually skilled enough to drive a race car. Despite this, most sports cars get purchased by people who don't actually care about driving, but want to look like they spent a lot of money on their car.
[edit] Coupes
Coupes are cars for people who got to the dealership and had a big "WTF?" appear over their heads. They couldn't get a sedan because it was too boring, they couldn't afford a sports car, they thought that hatchbacks were too Eurotrashy, and convertibles were too gay, so they just got a two-door sedan. Coupes are basically the median point of the automotive world.
[edit] Vans
Vans come in two sizes: "mini" (about as big as a small house) and "full-sized" (about as big as a large small house). Minivans are popular among moms who don't want to look like milfs, and among Christian families who like to engage in family sing alongs on their way to church. Full-sized vans are also popular among - surprise! - pedophiles. So the one thing that you can be sure of when you see a van is that there are demented, perhaps brainwashed children in the back.
[edit] SUV's
SUV's are for large, loudmouthed, mouthbreathing McFatties who are convinced that a car won't suit their needs. They're probably right, since their "needs" require them to buy their weekly groceries in bulk at Costco; it's hard to fit 500 Hot Pockets and an entire side of a cow into a Honda Civic. SUV's also cater to mothers who refuse to drive a minivan because they don't want to drive "a mommy wagon," though they are A) mothers and B)SUV's are mommy wagons just as much as any minivan. SUVs also appeal to emasculated suburban males who want to feel more tough and outdoorsy while sitting on their fat ass. Because everyone already knows the above, SUV's instead make their owners look like the retarded selfish attention whores that they are.
[edit] Pickup Trucks
Usually driven by mexicans, who need to transport gardening tools, and rednecks, who need to carry around with them every beer bottle they drank in the last month or two. Thereby, pickups are far and away the most popular kind of car in America.
[edit] Electric Cars
Not a car.
[edit] Luxury Cars
Luxury cars are just sedans or coupes, but with unnecessary things like leather seating, wood trim, navigation system and whatnot. There are two types of people that drive luxury cars: rich white men and niggas who just stole one. When you finally die in a car fire, make sure it's in one of these. That way, at least you can be assured that you went out in style.
[edit] Tanks
Tanks are used to blow up indigenous villages and run over chinese people when they get out of line.
- Excellent for playing "war."
- You need to get one.
- Use your tank to line up Palestinian protesters and run them over.
- DO IT NOW.
- ????
- PROFIT!
