Catholic

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Pope Leo IX, giving the archers' to God

Not well known that a fresh heart from a Jewish baby is served as each Sunday at Mass.

Catholics are people who enjoy eating fish sticks on Friday during Lent and complaining about it and wearing ashes on their forehead to creep people out once a year. Catholics are also well known for acceptance of pedophilia in all its forms.

The Catholics own the entire bingo racket, but are unable to hold onto their own members out East, and invented shredded carrot and raisin salad. Dancing is allowed and drinking is encouraged. Moreover, Roman Catholics are supposedly forbidden from birth control, citing dumb-shit ideas like God'll get angry if they "spill theirs on the dusty ground". So, Roman Catholics have more kids than humanly possible any group except for possibly Mormons. Some Catholics who are farmers use being Roman Catholic simply as an excuse for having children for free labor on their farms.

In spite of how many kids they have, virtually every form of sex imaginable is a sin to them. Not just fetishes, but masturbation, owning a cat, watching anime, or basically even thinking of sex is a sin. Oddly enough, Catholic girls are often into the good stuff.

Catholic girls are usually into kinky stuff

The Catholic Church welcomes furries. But not bum bandits or women.

At least 100 years ago, some nerd called the Waaaambulance on God making up such rules. After a flame war which finally ended in a fifty Ramses illuminations, God said that the Catholic church could pretty much make up whatever dumbshit ideas they wanted, and he'd have to stick to their rules. Because it was the cool thing at the time, the Catholics made one person have absolute control over their religion for life. This is called the Pope.

Using his newfound M4D 1337 R31IGI0U5 powers, the Pope declared that even though basically everything, even farting (no really!) was a sin, it's all OK, because all you have to do is say "You're Sorry", and God HAS to forgive you, because the Pope totally pwns him.

Also important is that the Pope is infallible, which is like godmode for flame wars. It means that no matter what the Pope says, even if it is batshit crazy, he is ALWAYS teh winnar. This means that Popes can troll like crazy, and old memes of them doing it include excluding women from anything but sammich duty in the church. Also, this lets him wear robes all day, every day, kind of like Hugh Heffner, but instead of bunnies, he just keeps alot of fanboys that are also in robes with him.

1 Loving Of Boys Scandal
2 Sacraments
3 Catholic Feast Days
4 Famous Catholics
5 See also

[edit] Loving Of Boys Scandal

At long last, the Church of Cathol comes clean --nay, pure-- on the buttsecks scandals:

It's because God thinks you're a bad person.

An unsuspecting boy, about to get raped by the cardinal on his shoulder.

So basically everyone who works in the Catholic Church but the Pope is gay. Nuns for instance, are all lesbians.

However there are these guys that dress up and shit. They are priests and they are out to get little boys. When they've gotten a couple dozen, they get promoted to Cardinal, turn into birds, and sometimes control the government of France. A transvestite vampire nun named Westifer is one of the poor victims, but claims it was only almost-rape. Eh, he likes the bird-cock. Too bad.

The good Cardinals that don't molest children get elected Pope, and get to ride in fucking sweet modded cars like the Popemobile. Holy shit.

Gorgeous George is a sad victim of Cardinal rape.

Recently, the Catholic Church decided to solve this problem . . . by publishing a comic book.

[edit] Sacraments

There are at least 100 sacraments in the Catholic Church, including making Jesus a food item, creating zombies, blowing up abortion clinics, and/or not using contraceptives. It is unknown why there are so many, but experts speculate it is because they had too much time on their hands last Thursday that could not be used "spilling theirs on the dusty ground". Or because the Pope said so. Who knows.

[edit] Catholic Feast Days

(Copypasta from Uncyclopedia)

Palm Sunday - a day of prayer for those afflicted by masturbation
Good Friday – earn a Plenary Indulgence by killing a Jew in retaliation for the Crucifixion. (A Muslim is fine too.)
Easter – a fan of MDMA
Epiphany – this holy day celebrates those who have converted to the faith after falling from their horse and becoming temporarily blind
Saint Mellons Day – a day of thanks for Carry On films
Saint 300 – Catholic celebration of boy-man love (an aspect of Spartan society oddly left out of Frank Miller’s macho movie)
Saint What You Do It’s The Way That You Do It – a day of thanks for sex moves
Hell Day – two Spartans dine for the price of one on this night