Caylin
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Caylin is a member of the notorious sixth level of internet hell, deviantART. In this chasm of oblivion where the light and dark, beautiful and ugly, brilliant and lame come together, there resides the Caylin. Although everyone around it wishes it were elusive, it is actually quite active, frequently posting pictures of its pets (oh god, pity them) and making ill-thought-out, illogical posts in the Complaints forum.
One user proposed the theory that she was formed using discarded beef tallow and shortening harvested from disposal companies located in the Midwest. Sort of like a soft gelatinous Pinnochio, if you will. "This would explain the distinct smell of Salisbury steak chip cookies that radiates from my computer whenever I read one of her posts."
Unfortunately, this article on the epic win that is Encyclopedia Dramatica has bolstered Caylin's ego to unprecedented levels, so much so that she does not realise that, in fact, she is very unpopular. And so she continues to post rubbish in the Complaints forum, in the mistaken belief that she is witty, intelligent and interesting. Yes, Caylin, it's true: nobody likes you.
The in-depth nature of this article has prompted other devianTARTlets to demand, sometimes with an incredible lack of subtlety, their own Encyclopedia Dramatica articles in hope of a quicker rise to internet stardom and, thus, also an increased likelihood of dying as virgins. This has, of course, led to annoying ego-whoring in the Complaints forum, with tartlets who already have articles on them mentioning this fact at every possible instance.
Contents |
[edit] The Caylin At a Glance
The Caylin stands at an estimated five feet, six inches. Through photographs of various sightings, we can logically assume that she is about fifty to sixty pounds overweight using the reccomended weight for a woman of her height and a simple mathematical equation.
140lb + 3r = 200lb
Where r is equal to one roll of fat, approximately 20lbs worth.
Increase rate per year:
2007: 140 + 3r = 200lb.
2008: 140 + 3.5r = 210lb.
2009: 140 + 4r = 230lb.
2010: 140 + 4.5r = 240lb.
2011: 140 + 5r = 260 lb.
Without factoring in the collection of grease and the possibility of childbirth, the weight of the Caylin will reach the criteria for morbidly obese by 2011.
[edit] The Caylin's Natural Habitat
In this magical land of anthro and furry, Caylin is the reigning princess unicorn. Caylin offers no resistence in accusations of living in a fantasy land:
"I'm perfectly aware I'm idealistic. However,I'm aware that -idealistic- means -ideal-. WOW! It's not reality! It's what -I'd like to see-."
In Caylin's fantasy land, there are no wars (because there are no soldiers), as the Caylin believes that:
"Anyone who is trained to kill living -anything- is mentally ill."
Therefore, there is also no farming.
[edit] The Caylin's Views
The Caylin has stated many times that it is a vegetarian, despite its girth (although it may be possible to maintain her size simply by drinking vegetable oil). However, it has also contended that human beings are naturally vegetarian, and meat-eating is an evil, unnatural practice spawned by man. Faced with records of the Mongols, who existed entirely off of milk, meat and cheese, the Caylin cunningly rebuked the point with this intricate argument:
"Thats not what we learned in my highschool."
It should be noted that Caylin did not attend high school but, in fact, was homeschooled.
Also, the Caylin believes it practices some sort of magick. It has openly asserted that the following do exist:
- Werewolves
- Witches
- Voodoo
- Various 'gods and goddesses'
- ESP
- Magick
- 'Black' Magick
- Vampires
- Her self-worth
Obviously all of these are bullshit.
[edit] Sexual Perversions
To further add to the pedo effect, the Caylin has equated pedophiles with bisexuals and even homosexuals. "It's just another sexuality," she says, as opposed to embracing the fact that pedophiles are predators who destroy the lives of children. She'd rather state that some children develop early, than simply admit she's wrong and accept the full horror of her beliefs.
Disturbing yet again, the Caylin exhibits symptoms of bestiality. It tends to depict itself as a kitten, having sex with its "husbandcreature's" (see notes) character. Even worse than that was a contest of the Caylin's: I want your take on Captain Jack Sparrow (yeah,that one) as a great dane anthro. Any coloring,any markings,any clothes-You decide.
Unsurprisingly, the contest got zero entries.
[edit] WHAT THE FUCK? GROSS.
For some reason, unbeknown to all sane and rational people, the Caylin is of the opinion that she has a nice twat. So nice a vagina that she'll refer to it as a twat, in fact. Also unknown is why the Caylin feels the need to tell this to anyone, considering she appears to be a troll escaped from her bridge.
[edit] So Fucking Desperate She'd Fuck a Corpse
Although it goes without saying that even a rotting body has higher standards than to sleep with Caylin, it seems as though she has no problem if people want to fuck a dead person. Caylin demonstrated her complete lack of any sort of social understanding or aptitude for life by comparing eating meat to fucking a dead person. So, a quick run down of what Caylin thinks it's okay to have sex with: animals, children, corpses, people in comas... shit, she'd have sex with anything really. Whether or not anything would have sex with her is debatable, though.
[edit] The Caylin's Reaction To This Article
Despite the Caylin claiming to not be bothered by this article, her inability to stop talking about it and (trying to) rebuke it clearly shows otherwise. Indeed, the Caylin went so far as to correct it for people not even remotely connected - just random people in the forums.
The Caylin's numerous corrections include pointing out that the above formula is incorrect - she's apparently lost two whole pounds! She did, however, point out this was during a visit to a doctor, so we'll assume it was after she had a mole removed from her ass.
Further more, rather than try and defend against the accusations she lives in a dream land, the Caylin decided it would be more poignant to point out that our depiction of her dream world was incomplete.
...right.
Recently, it has become apparent that the Caylin is trying to make herself seem even more retarded and mentally ill by posting threads with extreme views to add to this article. However, she's forgetting that we can all still enjoy the lulz
[edit] Caylin Goes Batshit
Well, even moreso than usual. Lately Caylin has been trolling the devianTART forums picking fights and talking like a big fat goddamn furry otherkin PETA-freak smelly hippy. These threads have included talking about her dog humping her leg, telling people who had to have their sick, old, dying pets euthanized that they're murderers and that any animal lover knows it's better to let an animal die a slow agonizing death while you sit and watch pounding back a brewski.
Then there's this recent thread, where she screeches about "humanists", which in Caylin-world apparently means "animal-haters" or anyone who thinks animals are good to eat or not as smart as people. She goes on a typical teenager tirade about how people are killing the environment and so arrogant for living in nice houses, and don't treat animals right- the kind of thing everyone else grew out of when they were 16.
And then she ends it with this kicker:
When questioned why she's writing this from a computer that uses electricity, from a comfortable house, probably after dropping a huge turd in a toilet that uses running water, and not living in the jungle she says she has "no choice" but oh so HAETS living in a nice house and using the internets. Otherwise she seems to have nothing to say to the Complaints whores who all have pointed out her fat stupid ass couldn't survive 2 days in the fucking jungle.
| —Caylin, bringin' the lulz |
[edit] Notes
- The Caylin claims that it has a husband, named Nightwere, who lives in a different state. No wonder. Oddly, she calls him 'husbandcreature'. Additionally, despite claiming to be in service in Iraq at this very moment, he seems to often have the exact same IP address as Caylin.
[edit] External Links
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