Chav
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
A chav is a kind of wanker that is rapidly becoming the new dickhead stereotype for the true English fucker, overthrowing the previous bowler-and-brolly archetype we all secretly wish were true. A "chav" is a primitive life form somewhere between vermin and parasite that earns its living by signing up for the social (British unemployment benefits), stealing things from its local supermarket, or in most cases combining the two. A few of the moar enterprising chavs eke out a living selling low-grade cannabis and heavily adulterated amphetamines to school children. Note that while Chavs are essentially wiggers, they hate for anyone to call them that. Their wiggotry is quite apparent in the way they walk: legs as wide apart as Dorian Thorn's, arms like coathangers after the typical chav training regimen of holding basketballs under the armpits.
The word "chav" is widely believed to stand for "council housed and violent" due to their lack of funds and aggressive nature, or possibly "Chalton average". It might also come from charivari. Other variations of the word "chav" include "charver" and "fucknugget", terms that may well have been introduced by mice fornicating in Burberry hats, given their Liverpudlian origin. Scottish people fondly refer to their equivalents as "Neds", or non-educated delinquents. Calling this hypocritical is a major understatement.
On the internets, chavs are most commonly found on Bebo, and all believe that tabloid newspapers are the world's ultimate form of truth. Trolling them can lead to massive lulz and makes them very butthurt - just see the An Heroes of Bridgend article for proof. Chavs make for some of the finest Internet tough guys. They all seem to feel the constant need to begin every word in every sentence with a capital letter (mainly because they are all retarded and don't actually know where the capital letter is supposed to go). They also enjoy spelling words like they would be said, making some words undecipherable due to their shitty speech and monkey brains. Here's an example:
"&& ii Ad Sum Muki Gider && Sum Diddleys Lol. && Wen Ur Nxt Dwn Ull Av Too Tell Me && Ill Cum && Get Pisted Wiff Yaz. Reet Im Gnna Forget Evri Fing Dats Eva Append Between Us Two Yer! New Start Wiff Uz Nw Okaay Lol! Wb Lu xxxxx"
Also, notice the use of double "&"s and "i"s. Annoying, isn't it? The reason why they do a c-c-c-combo breaker with the & symbol can be seen on the right. Yes, Chav's are on facebook too *sigh*.
Translation:
"And I had some dirty alcohol and some ecstasy pills, hahahaha. And when you're next down you'll have to tell me and I'll come and get drunk with you. Right, I'm going to forget everything that's ever happened between us two, yeah? New start with us now, okay (laugh out loud)? Write back, love you xxxxx"
A complicated language indeed.
Contents |
Appearance
In general, "chav-style" is all about blatant and ostentatious display, rather in the manner of lower order animals displaying plumage. This is why chav and chavette alike will always attempt to cover themselves in anything with a 'label'. Showy jewelery is an absolute must.
Spotting one of these social blemishes is easy: look for a curry-stained shell-suit and Burberry cock-sock. Other chav "rude boiz" identify themselves by tucking their trademark tracksuit-bottoms into the huge football socks they wear. All chavs wear a permanent frown because frowning makes you look "hard". Recently they have begun to devolve even further, deliberately scarring themselves underneath either eye or anywhere else on the face, but it's hard to work out if that makes them hard or just emo would-bes. No matter what stage of Chav-olution they may/may not have fallen to, they are all distinguished by their trademark "walk". Chavs without exception smoke cigarettes from the age of seven, due to a chronic inability to withstand peer pressure. This age also coincides with the first time most Chav females bear a child for the extra social payments. As an interesting anthropological note, it has been observed by many that the smaller a chav's head, the more he looks like he wants to rip your balls off.
The display of one's genitalia is a mandatory practice in the appearance of a chav. It is to present to the world that: However deceptive my high voice and general lack of facial hair is, I am still male. Don't believe me? Take a gander at my package.
Often it is necessary to hold onto the genitalia to ensure it does not go anywhere. It is common for charvers to stand with both hands down their tracksuit pants whilst talking to friends, police and social workers.
Female chavs wear excessive quantities of cheap make-up. Without fail, beneath that plasterwork lies a patchwork of acne and knife wounds bearing the orange, irradiated glow of a sun(bed) fake tan worshiper.
Despite their simple nature, chavs do have a hierarchy. When they've sold enough stolen goods and drugs to pre-teens, they will spend their cash on jewelery from Argos—commonly referred to as "Elizabeth Duke" in an effort to make it appear more expensive than it is—mainly to protect their knuckles from chaffing as they drag them along the ground. The more gilded-plastic sovereign rings and chains a chav wears, the higher in said hierarchy. It is rumored that the chief of all chavs, though never seen, wears double his weight in cheap jewelery. Chavs are slavishly subservient to those higher up the jewelery-tree than them. Other hierarchies are loosely based on the size of a chav's rap sheet, the number of ASBOs he/she/it has accrued, how big a mustache the little rat bastard can grow, or how much "snout" he can stash up his ass (like any self-respecting /b/tard, a chav never knows when the peelers might come knocking).
It is often easy to spot a chav by name only due to their unique naming conventions, which includes naming their crotch droppings after things they like. Examples of this include Nokia, Burberry, Toyota, T-Mobile, JJB Sports, Citroen Saxo and White Lightning. Failing this, a chav may give their spawn an American nigra name such as Rohondra, Keiisha, Ty Ron or Fifi Lapussi. Unlike the wigger this is not because of an appreciation of nigra culture but because they heard it in Kanye West's song during Tim Westwood's power hour.
| —Chavs appreciate your charity. |
Attitude
Incapable of sensitivity or remorse, chavs have no respect for anyone other than England's football loser and fellow shaven ape Wayne Rooney, who would have made a better rugby (union League) player anyway. Between stealing money from the purses of their own grandmothers and eating magic mushrooms like popcorn at the movies, they patrol their hell-hole neighborhoods making them even more unlivable by looking for folk half their age to assault. As with many animals, they hunt in packs; caught on their own, they have a tendency to mutter under their breath and stare liek a retard. If you happen upon a group of chavs, make sure to stare. Any seemingly harmless form of eye contact will initiate the chav's charity gland, which consists of first requesting money before resorting to violence in order to get it. Most Chavs seem to keep this attitude as they grow into their early 30s, which marks the first major fork of their lives. Either they get a job and become builders or other unskilled laborers, leaving violence for inebriated weekends, or, much more dangerously, attend "college", where they learn which end of a knife is sharp and realizing that this is as good as it gets. Although thankfully, due to the "Credit Crunch" (or Jews) chavs are turning rapidly into the homeless, and so are dying of starvation, natural selection ftw. Much like dogs, they have a terrible attitude towards other groups, such as the "moshers", "sk8er bois", emo kids and anyone else not wearing half-mast tracksuit bottoms and a faded baseball cap. Do not let the whiny nasal voice fool you: if you're not a chav, be prepared for some IRL serious business. However, if a chav is alone or the number of their group of apes is lower than yours, they will shit bricks and in all likelihood run to the safety of their local McDonald's. If you find a chav alone, you know what to do.
Fighting
Chavs are often known for having pussy scraps in a little kids playground or a big large field. After feeding the toddlers dog shit and raping the whole family in the house next door, these 12 year old cunts like to come out to the big field and have a scrap, record it on mobile phones and post it to the JewTubez. Look at this stupid cunt Ryan Davison below. He's 13 years old, getting very old to be a chav, innit?
Language
Unfortunately for society, chavs are prone to believing we give a fuck about everything they have to say. Glue sniffing behind the bike sheds led them to invent or adopt many words that would make anyone's ears bleed, so you probably don't want to hear them so here is delicious caek:
- amazin- The only word a chav is linguistically capable of using to describe an object or person. The first sign of a lack of vocabulary.
- wussup ma homie? - "What is happening at the moment, my residential colleague?"
- yeah m8 - An automatic response received after insulting a chav (more often followed with a punch).
- Bruv - An abbreviation of "brother". They seem to be capable of calling anyone their brother. If they use this term too much it opens up the gate of being able to troll them by saying "you're all brothers? Your mom must have been a real slag to have had all of you"
- Wa g'wan - "What is going on?", mostly used to mean "Hello, how are you?"
- Bare - "A lot", "Big", "an abundance of", "copious"
- Brap/Prap - Used to draw attention to oneself, representing the sound of a gun.
- Bo - Also used to draw attention.
- Mint - "Wonderful!".
- Blut-blut - Also used to draw attention to oneself. Chavs crave the stuff.
- Innit/Ennit - "Isn't it just."
- Yezzir - "Yes, sir", imitated by Chavs upon hearing famous Nigra "Pharrell Williams" say the word himself in a few songs.
- Blud - "Blood", announced in recognition as a follower of theirs being a so-called brother.
- Moshy bashin - finding and starting a fait/fight with a "mosher innit".
- Orrrr M8 - "I am most impressed with this information." This may also be heard before being harassed for a cigarette, and then being questioned as to why you don't have any/won't give them one.
- Fuck off - "I'm afraid I cannot see eye to eye with you on this matter, please depart from my line of sight, instantly if not sooner."
- Startin? - "Would you be suggesting that we engage in a physical confrontation of a violent nature?"
- GEE UZ YER PHONE - "Hand over your mobile communications device, or face a bit of rough and tumble."
- WAAAAAAAAAH - The most common chav mating call.
- Missions - A great distance.
- Blatantly - The strongest word a chav has in its arsenal. If you're blatantly startin' with him, you should probably flee. A chav will not resort to a three-syllable word except at the utmost end of need.
- Proper - Used as the adjective in most sentences, declaring that something is good. "Lad lad lad, dat's a proper cat there, lad."
- Lad - A chav's favorite appellation. Chavs will frequently use this to engage in a conversation, often repeating it several times until it can think of something to say afterwords. Usually followed by the question "What've ya bin' sayin' about me ma lad?"
- Dirt - A cigarette.
- Set Me - May I inquire as to [one of] your [possessions]? Example, 'Set me a fag, bruv'.
- Wickiiid - "I derive much enjoyment from that particular occurrence".
- Shockin - "I'm afraid I must disagree with your claim"
- like - Pause filler, used to,like,stall for time while, like, preparations are,like, made to attempt vocalization of,like, the next word. Like.
- Ooo! 'Ere - "Hello there, could I have your attention please?"
- Ee's takin' the piss - He has not yielded to us immediately, handed over his cash and cards, admitted all fault for the incident and apologized for the inconvenience! The audacity! The temerity!
- 'Aving a Chew - Undertaking an arduous task, such as writing your name.
- Do a Nash - To make an prompt exit, usually on the rare occasion that outnumbering the foe 10 to 1 is not enough to win a fight.
- La - usually added to the end of the chav's name i.e Ricky La or Sarah La, indicating a friend or someone you fell friendly towards
- Yer got twenny pee, mate? - "Do you happen to have twenty pence Sterling on your person that I could borrow?"
- Yer gorra light? - "May I please borrow (steal) a cigarette lighter?"
An example of a typical chav displaying his communication and fighting abilities.
After reading this far, it should no longer be a mystery as to why chavs are the most universally hated group of faggots in Western Europe.
Music
Chav music is a delicate blend of monotonous bass and rudimentary keyboard synths artfully combined by unemployed spics under the influence of poppers and vodka. The music is usually imported by a skinny pikey in a van who sells it to other chavs from the boot of his Ford Fiesta. This music is only ever played inside of their cars to be heard in every single bar and club in every single English city, and is never loud enough until the outer panels begin to vibrate.
In order to appreciate the genius of the genre, fill your two-door hatchback with at least five inebriated lolis in the back and as many faggots as you can fit in the space between the passenger seat and the handbrake. Adjust your seat to be as far back and as low to the floor as possible, then relax in style as your friends hang out of the window whistling at schoolgirls, safe in the comfort that YOU LOOK PROPER MINT.
Chavs also thoroughly enjoy dancing:
I seriously wish he would drop dead on the spot. Chav cull anyone?
The Chav Song
Famous Chavs
Devvo
Devvo is an Internet mockumentary made by Fat-Pie.com. It follows a young chap named Darren Devonshire (or Devvo for short) living his everyday life in Hull. The scariest (and possibly lulziest) part of this series is that upon first viewing, almost every person that has seen it has mistakenly thought it to be genuine.
Michael Carroll
Much to the dismay of the entire British population, Michael Carroll is not a spoof character. The forces of nature decided to play a disgusting trick on humanity by allowing Michael to win The National Lotto. This made him the first Chav to ever have money, and therefore creating a paradox.
Since winning £9.7million in November 2002 he has appeared in court over 30 times, spent the entirety of his winnings on banger racing and been imprisoned for assault. More proof that Chavs and money are not destined to be with each other.
The only thing more disgraceful than Michael Carroll himself is the fact that the English media have made documentaries about him and even a film about his life has been discussed. At least the council of his hometown Swaffham were awesome enough to pwn him by refusing when he offered to buy their Christmas decorations.
Carroll has claimed to be the "King Of Chavs", which of course means he rules high above all the other pre-pubescent wasters of his kind.
Vicky Pollard
A character from the comedy sketch show Little Britain, Vicky encompasses everything that everybody hates about Chavs, but turns it into lulz. To make matters worse, anyone who's ever been unfortunate enough to find themselves in Bristol any British city center will be surprised at the accuracy with which this character is portrayed.
OH NOES! Sum bitchiz iz on Vikkiez turf or summat.
Vicky edumacates kids on the way of life.
Your Mum
If ever you have the nerve to tell a chav what he is, he will without doubt point out that your mother is also a chav and that he surprise-sexed her repeatedly.
TL;DR
Poor English wiggers.
Great movie about chavs
Gallery
 If they're not pissing up the side of your house/pub/another human, they use one of these. |
 Typical charver - pissed on one bottle. |
 Typical chav's ride: your car. |
 The chav's second home. |
The reason why chavs use the & symbol twice in spelling, Note: 1. Its being quoted by a chavette 2. She's easily butthurt 3. She's interested in talentless twins who enjoy having buttsecks with each other 4. She never gave a valid reason, she just said she just does |
 It's fucking "Mr. Chav" to you, cunt. |
 I think he's looking at you. |
 You need to sniff a lot of glue to look this good. |
 Chavism: a mild form of Down's Syndrome. |
 girl on E breastfeeds towel. Note the |
 A chav earns his wings. |
 Someone has to fuck them. |
 This chav looks smug. Someone's lost their wheeltrims! |
 ...and a little one for the lady? |
 Fucking looser |
 but with a few modifications... |
 Epic fail! |
 "you sure you don't want it a bit...taller sir?" "fuckoffyatwat" |
 A Chav shows his sexual prowess. |
 Takin' it Hi-res. |
See Also
- Chavmo
- ChavScum
- Gotateenager
- Guido (the same thing, except American and of Italian heritage).
- Kersal Massive
- Tyler Juett
- Goronchev (Yes, most defiantly).
