Chav
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
A chav is a kind of wanker that is rapidly becoming the new dickhead stereotype for the true English fucker, overthrowing the previous bowler-and-brolly archetype we all secretly wish were true. A "chav" is a primitive life form, somewhere between vermin and parasite, that earns its living by either signing up for the social (British unemployment benefits) or stealing things from its local supermarket, but in most cases combining both. A few of the moar enterprising chavs eke out a living selling low-grade cannabis and heavily adulterated amphetamines to school children. It is a true social underclass but is no less deserving of observation and study. Preferably from behind reinforced glass with disinfectant on hand. Note that while Chavs are essentially wiggers, they hate for anyone to call them that. Their Wiggerality is apparent, however, in the way they always walk as if they've just shat themselves but don't want it to show.
The word "chav" is widely believed to stand for "council house and violent" due to their lack of funds and aggressive nature, or possibly "Chalton average". It might also come from charivari. Other variations of the word "chav" include "charver" and "fucknugget", terms that may well have been introduced by mice fornicating in burberry hats, given their Liverpudlian origin. Scottish people fondly refer to their equivalents as "Neds", or non-educated delinquents. Calling this hypocritical is a major understatement. THEY LOVE GOUCHIN INNIT G DO ME A BEN ON TICK TILL THURSDAY.
On the internets, chavs are most commonly found on Bebo, and all believe that tabloid newspapers are the world's ultimate form of truth. Trolling them can lead to massive lulz and makes them very butthurt - just see the An Heroes of Bridgend article for proof. Chavs make for some of the finest Internet tough guys.
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[edit] Appearance
In general, 'chav-style' is all about blatant and ostentaious display, rather in the manner of lower order animals displaying plumage. This is why chav and chavette alike will always attempt to cover themselves in anything with a 'label', and showy jewellery is an absolute must.
Spotting one of these social blemishes is easy: look for a curry-stained shell-suit and Burberry cock-sock. Other chav "rude boiz" identify themselves by tucking their trademark tracksuit-bottoms into the huge football socks they wear. All chavs wear a permanent frown because frowning makes you look 'hard'. Recently they have begun to devolve even further, deliberately scarring themselves underneath either eye or anywhere else on the face, but it's hard to work out if that makes them hard or just emo would-bes. No matter what stage of Chav-olution they may/may not have fallen to, they are all distinguished by their trademark "walk". Chavs without exception smoke cigarettes from the age of seven, due to a chronic inability to withstand peer pressure. This age also coincides with the first time most Chav females bear a child for the extra social payments. As an interesting anthropological note, it has been observed by many that the smaller a chav's head, the more he looks like he wants to rip your balls off.
The display of ones genitalia is a mandatory practice in the appearance of a chav. It is to present to the world that: However deceptive my high voice and general lack of facial hair is, I am still male. Dont believe me? Take a gander at my package. Often it is necessary to hold onto the genitalia to ensure it does not go anywhere. It is common for charvers to stand with both hands down their tracksuit pants whilst talking to friends, police and social workers.
Female chavs wear excessive quantities of cheap make-up. As in, terrifyingly large ammounts, to the extent that seeing a chav's true face is at first to be considered a gift -- until the reason that this amount of makeup was applied becomes obvious. Without fail, beneath that plasterwork lies a patchwork of acne and knife wounds in skin bearing the orange, irradiated glow of a sun(bed) worshipper.
Despite their simple nature, charvers do in fact have a hierarchy. When they've sold enough stolen goods and drugs to pre-teens, they will spend their cash on junk jewellery. The more gilded-plastic sovereign rings and chains a chav wears, the more of an absolute cunt it is. Chavs with little or no junk jewellery show the utmost respect to their junk-jewellery-clad superiors. Other hierarchies are loosely based on the size of a chav's rap sheet, the number of asbos he/she/it has accrued, how big a mustache the little rat bastard can grow, or how much 'snout' he can stash up his arse (a chav never knows when the peelers might come knocking).
Chavs can actually easily be identified by their name which is especially useful to blind people. They have a unique sense of naming convention as they often name their spawn after things they like. A couple of chav names popular at the moment are Nokia, Burberry, Toyota, T-Mobile, JJB Sports, Vauxhall Astra and Strongbow. Failing this, a chav may give their spawn an American nigra name such as Rohondra, Keiisha, Ty Ron or Fifi Lapussi. Unlike the wigger this is not because of an appreciation of nigra culture but because they heard it in Kanye West's song during Tim Westwood's power hour.
| —Chavs appreciate your charity |
[edit] Attitude
Incapable of sensitivity or remorse, chavs have no respect for anyone other than England's football loser and fellow shaven ape, Wayne Rooney, who would have made a better rugby (union) player anyway. In between stealing money from the purses of their own grandmothers and eating magic mushrooms like popcorn at the movies, they patrol their hell-hole neighbourhoods making them even more unliveable by looking for folk half their age to beat within an inch of life. As with many animals, they hunt in packs; caught on their own, they tend to mutter under their breath and stare liek a retard (but much milder mannered). If you happen upon a group of chavs, do not glance in their direction. Any seemingly harmless form of eye contact will result in a fierce ''YER FUCKIN STARTIN ON ME KNOBHEAD!!????!!!!'' or 'I'LL FUCKIN' KNIFE YA, YA MOSH CUNT!!!' Most Chavs seem to keep this attitude as they grow into their early 30's. This is where they get dangerous, having been to college to learn which end of a knife is sharp and having realised that this is as good as it gets. They have a terrible attitude towards other groups, such as the 'moshers,' 'sk8er bois,' emos, and anyone else not wearing half-mast tracksuit bottoms and a faded baseball cap. Do not let the whiney nasal voice fool you: if you're not a chav, be prepared for some IRL serious business. However, if a chav is alone or the number of their group of apes is lower than yours (which is rare as chavs hunt in packs), they will shit themselves and will probably scurry around quickly until they reach their local McDonalds, safe from harm. If you find a chav alone, do not hesitate. You know what to do. Do it, faggot.
A recent threat featuring use of knives and guns in exchange for your phone is no longer a rarity. Be aware that living anywhere remotely close to London, such as Hayes, Southall, or any other major city, will generally result in one or more of the following:
- Witnessing of comical chav behavior as described above
- Audible flatulence
- Loss of phone/valuables
- Severe amusement/fail
- A hole in one's stomach
[edit] Language
Unfortunately for society, chavs are prone to believing we give a fuck about everything they have to say. Glue sniffing behind the bike sheds led them to invent or adopt many words that would make anyone's ears bleed, so you probably don't want to hear them. That being said, here are just a few of their favourites:
- yeah m8 - An automatic response recieved after insulting a chav (more often followed with a punch).
- Bruv - An abbreviation of "brother". They seem to be capable of calling anyone their brother.
- Wa g'wan - "What is going on?", mostly used to mean "Hello, how are you?"
- Bare - "A lot", "Big", "an abundancy of", "copious".
- Brap/Prap - Used to draw attention to oneself, representing the sound of a gun.
- Bo - Also used to draw attention.
- Mint - "Brilliant".
- Blut-blut - Also used to draw attention to oneself.
- Innit/Ennit - "Isn't it just".
- Yezzir - "Yes, sir", imitated by Chavs upon hearing famous Nigra 'Pharrell Williams' say the word himself in a few songs.
- Blud - "Blood", announced in recognition as a follower of theirs being a so-called brother.
- Moshy bashin - Going down to a mosh pit and starting a fait/fight.
- Orrrr M8 - "I am most impressed with this information". This may also be heard before being harassed for a cigarette, and then being questioned as to why you don't have any/won't give them one.
- Fuck off - "I'm afraid I cannot see eye to eye with you on this matter".
- Startin? - "Would you be suggesting that we engage in a physical confrontation of a violent nature?"
- GEE UZ YER PHONE - "Hand over your mobile communications device, or face a bit of rough and tumble".
- WAAAAAAAAAH - The most common chav mating call.
- Missions - A great distance.
- Blatantly - The strongest word a chav has in its arsenal. If you're blatantly startin' with him, you should probably flee. A chav will not resort to a three-syllable word except at the utmost end of need.
- Proper - Used as the adjective in most sentences, declaring that something is good. 'Lad lad lad, dat's a proper cat there, lad'.
- Lad - A chav's favorite appellation. Chavs will frequently use this to engage in a conversation, often repeating it several times until it can think of something to say afterwards. Usually followed by the question "What've ya bin' sayin' about me ma lad?"
- Dirt - A cigarette.
- Set Me - May I enquire as to [one of] your [possessions]? Example, 'Set me a fag, bruv'.
- Wickiiid - "I derive much enjoyment from that particular occurrence".
- Shockin - "That is disagreeble"
- like - Pause filler, used to stall for time while preparations are made to attempt vocalization of the next word
- Ooo! 'Ere - "Hello there, could I have your attention please?"
- Ee's takin' the piss - He has not yielded to us immediately, handed over his cash and cards, admitted all fault for the incident and apologised for the inconvenience! The audacity! The temerity!
- 'Aving a Chew - Undertaking an arduous task, such as writing your name.
- Do a Nash - To make an prompt exit, usually on the rare occasion that outnumbering the foe 10 to 1 is not enough to win a fight.
An example of a typical chav displaying his communication and fighting abilities.
After reading this far, it should no longer be a mystery why chavs are the most universally hated group of faggots in Western Europe. (Their Eastern equivalent would obviously be the fucking Muslims.)
[edit] Tourism
You will find the chav subspecies in many of England's counties and cities. If you happen upon one of these primitive life forms:
- Prepare self for Chav encounter with kevlar vest.
- Approach your local McDonalds restaurant to find chavs in the wild.
- Wait anywhere nearby entrance/exit of said restaurant.
- ?????
- PROFIT!!!
A second method of chav sightseeing is a depressing part of living your own life. You might notice five to thirty of them in a large group on your way to your local shop or on a little journey to your neighbour's place. You might spot them in their cheap vehicles which feature fluorescent colors and cheap customisation (Because a Ford Sierra is SO cash) while you are driving somewhere. However it is guaranteed that they will attempt to ruin your life if they think that you have noticed them.
[edit] Music
Chav music is a delicate blend of monotonous bass and rudimentary keyboard synths artfully combined by unemployed spics under the influence of poppers and vodka. The music is usually imported by a skinny pikey in a van who sells it to other chavs from the boot of his ford fiesta. The aspiring young chav DJs complete the sound by playing it at twice the recommended pitch on their Technics and screeming incessantly over the top.
"CHECK IT OUT NOW BOUNCEY CREW!!!!"
The finished product is then recorded from audio casstte tape to audio cassette tape until only the vague pulsation of the baseline and the shrill whine of the MC are audible. To appreciate the AWESOME bass properly it should be played back on a tinny car stereo too puny to make moar than a feeble 'pop'. Fill the car with at least five pre-pubescent mates wearing tracksuits and more rings than a gypsy. Now relax in style, with your mate hanging out the window whistling at schoolgirls, and cruise the streets. YOU LOOK PROPER MINT.
[edit] The Chav Song
[edit] Famous Chavs
Devvo
Devvo is an Internet mockumentary made by Fat-Pie.com. It follows a young chap named Darren Devonshire (or Devvo for short) living his everyday life in Doncaster. The scariest (and possibly lulziest) part of this series is that upon first viewing, almost every person that has seen it has mistakenly thought it to be genuine.
The Northern Life
The northern Life is another internet mockumentary uploaded onto Youtube. It's about a Charver called Buzzcocks, who lives in Cramlington, a small but Chav-infested town in England. He takes you on a tour around his hometown, and tells you about his life. There is even a song, called 'I'm a Gangsta', proving that chavers are wiggas after all! Amusing as these videos are, his voice is virtually unintelligible, because as well as being a Charver, he also has a 'Geordie' (Newcastle upon Tyne) accent.
MOAR fromm the Cramlington hard man
Michael Carroll
Much to the dismay of the entire British population, Michael Carroll is not a spoof character. The forces of nature decided to play a disgusting trick on humanity by allowing Michael to win The National Lotto. This made him the first Chav to ever have money, and therefor creating a paradox. Since winning £9.7million in November 2002 he has appeared in court over 30 times, spent the entirety of his winnings on banger racing and been imprisoned for assault. More proof that Chavs and money are not destined to be with each other.
The only thing more disgraceful than Michael Carroll himself is the fact that the English media have made documentaries about him and even a film about his life has been discussed. At least the council of his hometown Swaffham were awesome enough to pwn him by refusing when he offered to buy their Christmas decorations.
Carroll has claimed to be the "King Of Chavs", which of course means he rules high above all the other pre-pubescent wasters of his kind.
Vicky Pollard
A character from the comedy sketch show "Little Britain", Vicky encompasses everything that everybody hates about Chavs, but turns it into lulz fail because it's not at all funny. To make matters worse, anyone who's ever been unfortunate enough to find themselves in Bristol any British city centre will be surprised at the accuracy with which this character is portrayed.
OH NOES! Sum bitchiz iz on Vikkiez turf or summat.
Vicky edumacates kids on the way of life.
Lauren Cooper
Another sketch comedy character, this time from "The Catherine Tate Show", who coined the hilarious catchphrase "Am I bovvered?"
Your Mum
If ever you have the nerve to tell a chav what he is, he will without doubt point out that your mother is also a chav and that he surprise-sexed her repeatedly.
[edit] Gallery
 Typical charver - pissed on one bottle |
 Typical chav's ride: your car |
 The chav's second home |
 It's fucking 'Mr. Chav' to you, cunt |
 I think he's looking at you |
 You need to sniff a lot of glue to look this good |
 Chavism: a mild form of Down's Syndrome |
 girl on E breastfeeds towel Note the joint in her left hand |
 A chav earns his wings |
 Oh! They do love the fatties |
 This chav looks smug. Someone's lost their wheeltrims! |
 ...and a little one for the lady? |
 fucking looser |
 but with a few modifications... |
 epic fail! |
 srsly |
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
Super pedo chav's bebo (Needs urgent Flaming)
