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Chicago
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Chicago is a city in northeastern Illinois that is composed of a dense, creamy liberal interior and a conservative, yet crunchy, suburban outer crust. While not outwardly huge assholes like New Yorkers, Chicagoans will step on your windpipe and eat a baby to save fifteen seconds in commute time all with a neighborly wave and grin. The city is split into three sections, the North side, the South side, and the West side, all asians are restricted to endless street races around suburbs and highways. Citizens of each side burningly hate the other two, and they plan their destruction on a daily basis. It is held in local legend that some day Mike Ditka will return to unite the three warring factions, for he is Chicago incarnate.
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[edit] Population
The population of Chicago is irrelevant. No one cares. Chicagoans don't care, The United States Census Bureau doesn't care, and you shouldn't care. There are far too many illegal wetbacks having kids every three seconds to count anyhow, but in the end it probably cancels out because they end up shooting each other to death before they hit the age of six, although by then they all had at least three or four kids of their own. It's a never ending cycle of drive-by shootings and unplanned toddler pregnancies.
There exists a large number of social classes in Chicago, the largest of which include emotionally crippled teenagers like Brian Zable and Gumby, and their bloated, angry, mustached fathers. People in Chicago think they are better than people in the rest of Illinois because Chicago is bigger and obviously more important. This is true. The Chicago metro area contains at least ten thousand million people, as opposed to the rest of Illinois' mere three people, two halflings, a half dozen barely functioning tractors, and trillions of corn stalks. The sooner they finally realize that, the more they can focus on farming, cattle sodomization, and whatever else it is they do. Chicagoans also like to think that Chicago is the center of everything cultural in the United States because they have advanced far in the realm of hot dogs, creating one so great that Jesus himself could not do better, thus attaining the legendary and debated hot dog Nirvana. The Buddha himself could not meditate his way to that. They got him beat on the beer gut as well. Chicago demonstrates their legendary hospitality by being such faggots about their culture that they refuse to stock ketchup on their hot dog stands.
The city's growth has brought loud-mouthed douchebag yuppies to the city and shrill closed-minded families to the suburbs. They bring with them Starbucks, Gap Outlets, Crate and Barrels, and live in gated subdivision communities lest savages from the west invade and pillage their vinyl-sided crapbox homes. In short, all this isn't no anti-good for not nobody. A quin-negative combo like that deserves a gold star.
[edit] Geography
Land: Flat.
Water: A Lake and river that was reversed so all waste flows down to other cities.
[edit] Transportation
Chicago has some of the most congested roads and networks in the entire country. The Interstate 290 doesn't even connect any states. If you plan on using highways, prepare to eather A) Be stopped every mile to to be tolled 40 cents. or B) Go through the Auto toll that nobody buys the sensor for and get a ticket four years later. The Dan Ryan, arguably the most congested expressway evar, has a speed limit of 55. Lake Shore Drive, arguably the least congested expressway in Chicago, has a speed limit of 45. Cops hide behind overpasses and bushes across these veritable traffic fuckholes to meet their ticketing quotas and to ensure that sure you don't run over the über-compacted economy cars driven by geriatrics and beaners.
To ship away as many people as it can, Chicago has a huge-ass airport called O'Hare, which is roughly three times the size of the United States. It's so big that it has become self aware and must be fed nearby neighborhoods to keep it under control. Midway, Chicago's other airport that nobody gives a shit about, was lost in the sands of time. Flights average a 12 year delay getting in or out. It's the only place on earth where walking thousands of miles to a destination is a viable alternative to flying.
There are literally billions of trains in Chicago. Most lower class families actually live on top of moving freight trains that do nothing but circle aimlessly, empty and locked. The city also has an elevated/subway train system called the "EL", named by uneducated mexicans who could only explain the system as "the." The El prides itself with its always on time crashes and regular delays. All El trains are designated "stab zones."
The bus system can be more or less summed up as following: A staggering and incomprehensible mess of routes anywhere north of the downtown and about three routes in the entire South Side. Chicago buses travel in herds; this means you can wait up to seven hours before your choice of 15 buses come to pick you and nine thousand other people up.
The entire Train/Bus system has been abandoned permanently as of recent. It's kinda like Mad Max in the subways now.
[edit] History
Chicago was discovered in the Cretaceous Period by French fur trappers venturing into the dark and scary midsection of the New World. What they found horrified them, a land populated by a race of colorful teddy bears living in peace amongst themselves and other creatures. Consistent with what happens when White people discover anything, a bloody genocide quickly followed. The next day the entire city was built by Mike Ditka.
The area became filled by Irish, Italian, and Polish immigrants. There are currently more Irish, Italian, and Polish people in Chicago then in Ireland, Italy, and Poland. In fact, the nearby states of Wisconsin and Indiana were soon completely incorporated as suburbs of Chicagoland.
At some point a lolcow knocked a lamp over, burning down the entire city. It could have been easily stopped but everyone was on a union break. The entire city was rebuilt in three days by Mike Ditka who then ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. Jesus got the boot.
Chicago police have a proud upstanding history of beating the ever living fuck out of anything un-mustached, moving or not. Interestingly enough, the Chicago Police are completely uncontrolled by the city government and act as more of a mercenary gang, plundering and ticketing as they see fit. Official policy is as follows: "Fuck you. Always."
[edit] Events
- Getting drunk on St. Patricks day and wandering the city sort of near the huge parade half-naked, since half of the population thinks they're 100% pureblood irish even though they're just normal alcoholic rich white fucks.
- Gridlock
- Chicagoans are known to burn things in celebration of the fire that caused major lulz. This isn't really an special event, more of a daily occurrence.
- Mike Ditka.
- Lulzcon 2007, home of the infamous floating dongs.
- Taste of Chicago is a way to exercise your esophagus by eating $10 chocolate brownies and polish sausages injected with bacon paste in the hottest direct sunlight available without actually touching the sun. Drunk, sweaty people - to the tune of 1-2 million - pig out and walk the same cramped area while carrying their 10-20 empty beer cups stacked on top of each other as a sign of their masculinity. Oh, but the fountain shoots bum urine all over every fifteen minutes so it's "fun".
[edit] Chicago Sports
- Baseball: Chicago is renowned as the home of the Chicago Cubs who are the epitome of failure as they have not won anything in at least 100 years. No, seriously, it has really been 100 IRL years. The White Sox are rumored to have won some meaningless victory. Anthropologists are looking into the claim.
- Football: Mike Ditka.
- Basketball: After Michael Jordan retired, all basketball was banned from Chicago.
- Hockey: They have this Extremely special team who, like their basketball, football and baseball teams, haven't won anything in 100 years. Come to think of it, they haven't won anything worthwhile since the Chicago Blackhawks exist.
[edit] America's Penis
The World's largest phallic object (also known as the Chicago Spire) is currently under construction in downtown Chicago. It will rise over 9000 miles into the sky thus becoming the tallest building in America and the 87th tallest building in the world. It will officially replace Florida as America's penis and prove to the world that Chicago really is trying to compensate for something.
[edit] Awful Shit That Has Come out of Chicago
- Fall Out Boy (we are so very sorry) No seriously, you have no idea how sorry we are, they really are just that bad...
- The Academy Is...(another shit band)
- Disturbed (a wannabe heavy-metal band)
- The Smashing Pumpkins
- Kanye West
- Black "people"
- Mexicans
- fail
- faggot aka "House" music
- Jim Belushi
- Oprah Winfrey
[edit] Cool things to come out of Chicago
- Harrison Ford
- Hugh Heffner
- John Belushi
- Al Capone
- Gillian Anderson
- Blues Brothers
- Polish Sassage
- The word "Pop" used in place of Soda.
