Chicago

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Impressive from afar, this is really all just a cardboard backdrop only 6 feet tall.

Chicago (moar liek Wincago, amirite gaiz?) is a city in northeastern Illinois that is composed of a dense, creamy liberal interior and a conservative, yet crunchy, suburban outer crust. While not outwardly huge assholes like New Yorkers, Chicagoans will step on your windpipe and eat a baby to save fifteen seconds in commute time all with a neighborly wave and grin. In almost all cases to get to Chicago you must first travel through the shit hole capital of the world. The city is split into three sections, the North side, the South side, and the West side, all Asians are restricted to endless street races around suburbs and highways. Citizens of each side adamantly hate the other two, and they plan their destruction on a daily basis. It is held in local legend that some day Mike Ditka will return to unite the three warring factions, for he is Chicago incarnate.

This is a Ditka. He is made of POLISH SASSAGE and MUSTACHE!

Contents

Population

Mayor-for-Life Daley personally owns all of these buildings.

The population of Chicago is irrelevant. No one cares. Chicagoans don't care, The United States Census Bureau doesn't care, and you shouldn't care. There are far too many illegal wetbacks having kids every three seconds to count anyhow, but in the end it probably cancels out because they end up shooting each other to death before they hit the age of six, although by then they all had at least three or four kids of their own. It's a never ending cycle of drive-by shootings and unplanned toddler pregnancies.

There exists a large number of social classes in Chicago, the largest of which include emotionally crippled teenagers like Brian Zable and Gumby, and their bloated, angry, mustached fathers. People in Chicago think they are better than people in the rest of Illinois because Chicago is bigger and obviously more important. This is true. The Chicago metro area contains at least ten thousand million people, as opposed to the rest of Illinois' mere three people, two halflings, a half dozen barely functioning tractors, and trillions of corn stalks. The sooner they finally realize that, the more they can focus on farming, cattle sodomization, and whatever else it is they do. Chicagoans also like to think that Chicago is the center of everything cultural in the United States because they have advanced far in the realm of hot dogs, creating one so great that Jesus himself could not do better, thus attaining the legendary and debated hot dog Nirvana. The Buddha himself could not meditate his way to that. They got him beat on the beer gut as well. Chicago demonstrates their legendary hospitality by being such faggots about their culture that they refuse to stock ketchup on their hot dog stands.

The city's growth has brought loud-mouthed douchebag yuppies to the city and shrill closed-minded families to the suburbs. They bring with them Starbucks, Gap Outlets, Crate and Barrels, and live in gated subdivision communities lest savages from the west invade and pillage their vinyl-sided crapbox homes. In short, all this isn't no anti-good for not nobody. A quin-negative combo like that deserves a gold star.

Supposed homeless women stand outside starbucks begging for change while holding toddlers (Protip: Don't get pregnant if you're broke!) while her older kids are inside the cafe playing Nintendo DS and talking on cell phones. Chicago's homeless aren't poor and don't need shit. Because of this, they should be punched in the face at every opportunity.

Weather

Summer: Uncomfortably warm and sticky. Like your creepy uncle who likes to touch.

Fall: See Winter.

Winter: Like a perpetual ice hurricane that exists only to make you fantasize about how the dead feel no pain. Reduces homeless population by at least 100%.

Spring: See Summer.

Sweet home, Chicago.


Transportation

You can thank Gov. Rod Blagojevich

Chicago has some of the most congested roads and networks in the entire country. Interstates 290, 294, 355, and 88 don't even connect any states, but they connect to each other, in a manner that makes it clear that the Illinois Department of Transportation is staffed by people of subhuman intelligence. If you plan on using highways, prepare to either A) Be stopped every mile to to be tolled 80 cents to three dollars, or B) Go through the Auto toll that nobody buys the sensor for and get a ticket four years later. The Dan Ryan, arguably the most congested expressway evar, has a speed limit of 55. Lake Shore Drive, arguably the least congested expressway in Chicago, has a speed limit of 45. Cops hide behind overpasses and bushes across these veritable traffic fuckholes to meet their ticketing quotas and to ensure that sure you don't run over the über-compacted economy cars driven by geriatrics and beaners.

To ship away as many people as it can, Chicago has a huge-ass airport called O'Hare that is operated by a cabal of Jews who shut down all arrivals and departures the moment anything falls out of the sky, like a raindrop, or a snowflake. It's so big that it has become self aware and must be fed nearby neighborhoods to keep it under control. Midway, Chicago's other airport that is a pretty cool guy, was overtaken by Southwest Airlines and has flourished into a child-killing device during the winter. Flights average a 12 year delay getting in or out. It's the only place on earth where walking thousands of miles to a destination is a viable alternative to flying.

There are literally billions of trains in Chicago. Most lower class families actually live on top of moving freight trains that do nothing but circle aimlessly, empty and locked. The city also has an elevated/subway train system called the "EL", named by uneducated Mexicans who could only explain the system as "the". The El prides itself with its always-on-time crashes and regular delays. All El trains are designated "stab zones."

The bus system can be more or less summed up as following: A staggering and incomprehensible mess of routes anywhere north of the downtown and about three routes in the entire South Side. Chicago buses travel in herds; this means you can wait up to seven hours before your choice of 15 buses come to pick you and nine thousand other people up.

The entire Train/Bus system has been abandoned permanently as of recent. It's kinda like Mad Max in the subways now.

History

Chicago was discovered in the Cretaceous Period by French fur trappers venturing into the dark and scary midsection of the New World. What they found horrified them, a land populated by a race of colorful teddy bears living in peace amongst themselves and other creatures. Consistent with what happens when White people discover anything, a bloody genocide quickly followed. The next day the entire city was built by Mike Ditka.

The area became filled by Irish, Italian, and Polish immigrants. There are currently more Irish, Italian, and Polish people in Chicago then in Ireland, Italy, and Poland. In fact, the nearby states of Wisconsin and Indiana were soon completely incorporated as suburbs of Chicagoland.

An artist's rendition of the creation of Chicago.

At some point a lolcow knocked a lamp over, burning down the entire city. It could have been easily stopped but everyone was on a union break. The entire city was rebuilt in three days by Mike Ditka who then ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father. Jesus got the boot.

Chicago police have a proud upstanding history of beating the ever living fuck out of anything un-mustached, moving or not. Interestingly enough, the Chicago Police are completely uncontrolled by the city government and act as more of a mercenary gang, plundering and ticketing as they see fit. Official policy is as follows: "Fuck you. Always."

Another interesting note is that North Chicago has a Naval base where the Navy boot camp is located, where thousands of patriotic young men endure rough training to become full-fledged Sailors. Srsly, Chicago, a fucking city located on a fucking state in the mid-fucking-west, miles away from an actual ocean, has a fucking Navy base. Hoo-fucking-yah.

Events

The Chicago river is dyed green during St. Patrick's day by the vomit of thousands of drunk South-side Irishmen.
  • Getting drunk on St. Patrick's day and wandering the city sort of near the huge parade half-naked, since half of the population thinks they're 100% pureblood Irish even though they're just normal alcoholic rich white fucks.
  • Gridlock
  • Chicagoans are known to burn things in celebration of the fire that caused major lulz. This isn't really a special event, more of a daily occurrence
  • Watching the Cubs fail
  • Mike Ditka
  • Lulzcon 2007, home of the infamous floating dongs.
  • Taste of Chicago is a way to exercise your esophagus by eating $10 chocolate brownies and polish sausages injected with bacon paste in the hottest direct sunlight available without actually touching the sun. Drunk, sweaty people - to the tune of 1-2 million - pig out and walk the same cramped area while carrying their 10-20 empty beer cups stacked on top of each other as a sign of their masculinity. Oh, but the fountain shoots bum urine all over every fifteen minutes so it's "fun"
  • Watching AZNs take pictures of the Sears Tower over and over, as if over 9000 aren't on Flickr already
  • An Hero day can be any day when someone decides to jump in front of oncoming CTA train. This is full of lulz but makes people late to work

Chicago Sports

  • Football: Mike Ditka.

America's Penis

The World's largest phallic object (also known as the Chicago Spire) will hopefully be built one day if Chicago can find some money. It will rise over 9,000 miles into the sky thus becoming the tallest building in America and the 87th tallest building in the world. It will officially replace Florida as America's penis and prove to the world that Chicago really is trying to compensate for something. Because everyone is broke the building got canceled. No one cares.

LOLDONGS.

Awful Shit That Has Come Out of Chicago

Cool Things to Come Out of Chicago


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