China
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| —BBC 6 PM News, 12 May 2008 |
China, known to many of its inhabitants as the center of the world (in Chinese, China is 中国 (pronounced jong-woe) which literally means "center country"), is the largest country in the world by population. In fact, they have so many people that they've instituted a One-child policy. One of our largest trading partners, China has been known to export defective and dangerous products, an unfortunate result of their religious adherence to their retarded "manufacture uber-cheap, sell uber-cheap, FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE, CHEAP CHEAP CHEAP" universal manufacturing standard. It is also very important to note that the English manuals that Chinese products come with are, for the most part, examples of the greatest heights of English grammar and prose. They're so great, in fact, most people would feel their head aching on reading the first few lines, While others feel a sudden urge to hurt someone. Also, some argue that the Chinese are inscrutable.
One may refer to the people of China by many names, including:
- Pre-viral lifeform
- Oriental
- Chinaman
- Chiggers (China + nigger)
- Chiamese
- Chine
- Taiwanese
- Jackie Chan (Fact: Every Chinaman is Jackie Chan or an impersonator of him.)
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Chinese People
Many have pondered the reason for China's incredible population size, only to be baffled by the obvious ugliness of the women. The United Kingdom's greatest philosopher, Prince Philip, declared Chinese women to be the "ugliest in the world". Out of all types of azn, chinks are by far the ugliest. Only 1 person out of every 1,000 people born of the abominable Chinese race is worth looking at.
Much like niggers with their basketball and spics with their menial labor, chiggers (aka Rice Niggers) have their own special array of talents. At a young age, many boys are forced to engage in a life of studying the Confucian rites and being able to apply all that bullshit to the math and physics they're forced to cram for on a study night.
China actually had a interesting culture 100 years ago. But like everything else, Japanese culture invaded and now Chinese also have to display the peace sign in every photograph they take. Nowadays, Chinese people copy from American and Japanese culture. China no longer displays original content.
The Chinese countryside is dotted with sweatshops full of child laborers. It is said that the sound of their shoemaking can be heard from Mars. However, the years of labor they endure is all worth it, as on payday they are each given a small sum of sand and a handful of dog hairs.
Exactly 100% of Chinamen spend most of their lives as slaves in math plantations.
- To be honest and frank, have you ever met a worthy Chinaman? Hmm? No? Didn't think so...
Chinese Hobbies
- Inspecting cunts through voyeurism.
- Chopping off peoples penises to get eunuchs.
- Eating anything that moves and shitting epidemics. See SARS and AIDS.
- Shouting in loud, annoying voices with a horrible sounding language.
- Preparing for sweatshop work at age 3.
- Manufacturing inscrutably low-quality, knock-off products that break upon use.
- Manufacturing malfunctioning weapons to other countries who are at war with each other only to make money. See Russia and USA.
- Doing math.
- Butchering the English language by trying to adopt Ebonics.
- Stroking their huge e-peens by editing this article.
- Farming virtual gold to sell to basement dwellers.
- Surpassing the U.S. as being the most environmentally-destructive, air and water-polluting nation on the planet.
2008 Beijing Orimpics
Main article: LOLympic Games
Beijing was fortunate enough to win the bid for the 2008 Orimpic Games, and they have delivered on a promise to give the world an amazing competition.
The August 8th Opening Ceremony of the Orimpics started off with a bang. The nation that invented fireworks gave the world the most impressive display of photoshopped fireworks ever seen. The fun did not stop there; after ¥1 Billion Renminbi and years of hard work, Chinese computer engineers managed to create a program able to shoop an attractive child over an ugly child with talent.
As the Orimpics got underway, Team China dominated the in the child labor competition, winning the gold with two of the youngest loli to have ever competed. It wasn’t long before everyone was asking how China managed to train some of the best underage athletes in the world. The Chinese reveled their forced labor training camps where loli are selected at the tender age of 3 for rigorous training in making high quality Nikes and lead-covered sports equipment for other teams. (Team Wal-Mart was disappointed in the Chinese decision to reveal secret training exercises.)
While performing well in the child labor competition, the U.S.A. "Redeem Team" has hurt China's chances of earning the gold in the Orimpic Basketball Tournament. However, hopes still ride on Yao Ming to bring home a metal. The Chinese state-sponsored coaching staff hopes by training Ming into the ground and destroying his career as a basketball player, they will be victorious in earning the gold for Team China. In a statement to the press Ming said, "If I don' bring home the gorrd they wirr kirr my famiry and reprace me wit any one of severar mirrions erigibre Chinese basketba' praya." You can bet that Ming's famiry will be cheering for him during the games.
Things They Don't Want You to Know
- Fact: Chinese pussy is sideways.
- Fact: Chinese women have small breasts. Any Chinese women you see with normal or large breasts has implants.
- Fact: The ED website is not censored in China.
- Fact: Chinese families name their newborn babies by gathering their whole family together and smash glass plates on the floor.
Famous Chinese
- Lin Zhong Min
- Guan Yin
- Pai Mei
- Bruce Lee
- Mao Ze Dong
- Yao Ming
- Wang Wei (The pilot who took down an American plane and made them apologize)
- Ming The Merciless
- Fu Manchu
- Edison Chen (the hero with many jpegs to back him up)
- David Carradine
- Ms. Wang (Infamous traitor of China that was exposed by the Internet and the New York Times)
- O-chin Chin
- Lu-Bu
- Jackie Chan
- Dali Lamer
- Kim Jung Il
- Bill Clinton
- Chuck Norris
- Jean Claude Van Damme
- Kevin Rudd
- Steven Segal
- William Hung
- Jason Statham
- Jet Li
- Michael Phelps
Government
One of the few remaining Communist regimes in the world, China's leader is always a member of the Communist Party of China. While the Democratic Party of China, founded in 1998, tried to make a go of it, their leaders were promptly detained and sent to "correction facilities".
President Hu Jintao, has overseen the rise of China from a third world nation to an economic superpower (but still third world nation).
China's government is also known for its sterling Human Right's record, treating more diverse members of its society such as Falun Gong adherents and Tibetan Buddhists with the utmost dignity and respect.
Military
Now with it's own theme music.
While China was famous in the past for losing hard to the Mexicans, Martians, homosexuals, the latter half of the 20th Century saw a dramatic turnabout in China's ability to wage war.
In Korea and Vietnam they were notorious for their Zerg Rushes against Americunt forces.
Recent advances include:
- The selling of Nuclear Arms secrets to China by Bill Clinton (thanks a lot, asshole).
- The selling of uranium to china by drunk convicts.
- The purchasing of diesel-electric submarines that can sneak up on unsuspecting Americunt ships.
Disadvantages of the China Zerg Rush: It costs the Chinese government approximately $1 to give their soldiers a cheap uniform and a basic two day training course. That is not difficult. However, it is quite expensive to produce weapons, even if they are cheap, unreliable pieces of shit. Thus, the government forced everyone to learn Kung Fu. In a group of five Chinamen, there will be one or two with rifles. The others will just throw fireballs at you.
Advantages: No country has unlimited ammunition. Whilst a group of troops is firing at the never ending horde, a Chinaman will fly around the back and Kung Fu their ass up.
Fuck with one, fuck with them all, and you're bound to get Kung Fu-cked Up. Why bother messing with them?
Economy
The people of China are willing to work hard for little money, from a young age until they drop dead. Without their hard work, most people in places like Australia, Canada and United States would be naked, living in trees, and eating berries.
Some notable Chinese exports include McDonald's Happy Meal toys, lead paint, diseased chicken, pirated copies of anything and everything, rice, Chinese food, and Stuntmen.
1.00 USD = 8 Chinese Yuan (also known as "one month's wages").
A little known fact is that China owns trillions of dollars worth of U.S. savings bonds, which, if sold, would completely own the United States economy. Mean while, China would cruise easily without the United States of America consuming everything, this would make China reduce their export prices, thus the rest of the world would have cheaper manufactured goods. A good example of such would be the 2008 recession in the U.S., in which it didn't really affect China and the developing countries could afford to import more goods. Cry cry America.
History
While people have inhabited the region of China for thousands of years, China itself has a relatively short history as a nation. Before being owned, successively, by the beaners in Mexico and then the Martians in Mongolia.
The Great Wall of China
At least 100 hundred years ago, the Great Wall was built to stave off invading drug lords.
On the other hand, ordering that a great wall be built has turned out to be a very effective form of population control, as it is estimated that millions of people died constructing the wall over the span of thousands of years and several dynasties.
On a side note, anyone who believes the myth that a 20-foot wide dirt colored wall can be seen from space is fucking retarded.
Later History
Either China made Marco Polo famous, or Marco Polo made China famous. At any rate, now we know what to say when wandering around a dark room. China is known for contributing spaghetti (YA RLY!), fireworks, gunpowder, and silk to Western civilization.
In the latter half of the 20th Century, China has had good relations with its neighboring country, Japan. In fact, whenever you meet a Chinese person, repeatedly refer to them as Japanese. This will ensure your ability to make many Chinese e-pals.
Inexplicably, the Chinese also get extremely offended when they are mistaken for Taiwanese. To demonstrate your knowledge and understanding of their culture, always be sure to tell them you are aware that Mexico is NOT part of China and is in fact an entirely different country.
Deng Xiaoping, China's version of Reagan, was inscrutable. Was he a stalwart Communist a Capitalist reformer? Did he hate our freedom like all Communists, or did he love money like a good leader?
Tienanmen, Tienanmen, Kill Another Yellow Man
Great Firewall of China
Last Thursday, China embarked on a monumental project to protect its citizens from the evils of the internets. Called the Golden Shield project, every communication is routed through a government firewall, where it is blocked if it attempts to connect to a site banned in China. Naturally, it works just as well as the last Great Wall.
Unit 731
Unit 731 (pronounced CHING-CHONG NIP NONG NONG) was a covert biological and chemical warfare research and development unit of the Imperial Japanese Army that undertook lethal human experimentation during World War II. It was responsible for some of the most notorious war crimes carried out by Japanese personnel, including the killing of thousands of logs.
Although one would expect the creator and leader of Unit 731, Iishi Shiro, to be arrested and hung by his mini-nads for condoning and perpetrating such events as human vivisection, infecting food with salmonella and drinking supplies with cholera, he was in fact recruited and given amnesty by the Americans after the war via "Operation Paperclip", which was responsible for cherry picking the brightest minds form Germany and Japan for use in future U.S. research and weapons development. The fact that Shiro admitted that he "did it for the lulz" only made his desirability to the U.S. government all the more irresistible.
Culture
While the majority of Chinese are surprisingly non-religious, those who are religious must adhere to one of the state-sanctioned religions, such as Buddhism, Taoism, Confucianism, or Christianity. Members of non-sanctioned religions such as Falun Gong are V& and sent to correction facilities, where their vital organs are harvested and sold on the black market.
According to John Lennon, If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow.
Average Chinese children spend up to 200% of their time in sweatshops. They have most likely created your shoes, braces, computers, houses, electronics and food. The average sweatshop laborer receives a maximum of ten grains of rice per day.
Food
Many Americans think of eggrolls, General Tsao's (or Tso's, Gau's, Zor's, Chau's) chicken, and chop suey as Chinese food. However, all of this is untrue. "Chicken" is actually made from the stray cats in the alleys of Chinatowns while chop suey is in fact a traditional Armenian dish popularized by the band System of a Down.
To easily sum up most oriental foods, if its incredibly disgusting, rare, or endangered, they will consume it in mass quantities.
One must travel to China to find true, authentic Chinese food. Feast on such mouth-watering delicacies as:
- Everything's uterus
- Cat and Dog
- Beef tripe
- Fried eel
- Internal Organs of Persecuted Falun Gong followers.
- Swallow bird's nest
- Chicken gizzards
- Marinated squid and jellyfish tentacles
- Roast pigeon
- Dog soup
- Artificially made eggs
- Cardboard buns
The Chinese, enamored to the magical delicacy of Slurpees, have allowed Western convenience stores to infiltrate the southern province of Guangzhou and it's Specially Economical Zone of Shenzhen. Last Thursday, thousands of 7-11s sprouted up in all sizes from kiosk to full size store.
Strange Chinese Dishes
Some Chinese eat Baby Soup which contains a deceased human fetus and costs about $4000. Chinese eat Baby Soup to increase overall health, stamina and the power of sexual performance.
Sports
The Chinese are notoriously great at gymnastics, martial arts, figure skating, ping pong, and as stuntmen. However, their prowess in Western sports is limited to the freakishly tall Yao Ming. The Chinese Fur Faggots like to take it up there asses just for the lulz.
Language
The entire Chinese language consists of two syllables: cheech and chong. Linguistic scholars[citation not needed] believe this to be the origin of the term "Ching Chong Chinaman."
Music
Chinese child musicians who did not practice enough and therefore failed their parents and dishonored their ancestors:
List of Ancient Chinese Pastimes
- Playing Russian Roulette with all chambers loaded
- Playing "which button makes the nuke explode?" (for nobles only)
- Opening Chinese restaurants
- Kung fu
- Importing Chinese whores to spread disease
- Speaking Engrish
- Playing 'Where's Waldo China', which is far more difficult than other versions because all chinese people look the same
- Making McDonald's Happy Meal toys
- Working at the local Wal-Mart
- Manufacturing SARS (and possibly other deadly diseases for export to the rest of the world)
- Stealing American jobs through outsourced labor
- Chinese fire drills
- Sticking it to the White Man
- Playing ping pong
- Farming Gold
- Spitting on sidewalks
- Scaring America with communism and failing at it
- Scaring America with capitalism
- Engineering man-made viruses such as SARS and the Avian Flu in hopes of thinning out their population by 75%.
- Executing people for simply having any kind of religious faith which is considered a "threat to national security"
- Executing political prisoners and then charging the deceased's families for the cost of the bullets
- Running people over with tanks
- Having the filthiest and most polluted environment in the world
- Having filthy living standards
- Framing Tibetan monks for "bomb plots" and then promptly executing them
- Holding the record for THE most murderous regime in all of human history, having murdered over 250,000,000 people
- Murdering people who claim to have cured cancer
- Kidnapping and murdering people to harvest their organs
- Having no safety and sanitation laws
- Invulnerablizing their evils behind 5,000 thermonuclear weapons, and mutually assured destruction
Accidents
According to a report at least 100,000,000 Chinese died in accidents in 2007, this is a dramatic 10% drop from the previous year. Some officials cite less hazards in the workplace such as two inspections per year rather than just one, a gun to encourage factory workers to do it right, and signs that replace 'do not touch this' with images of smiley communist pandas describing what can happen with images of a mangled worker.
U.S.-China Relations
The Chinese word for America is 美國, pronounced meiguo, a transliteration which means literally "beautiful country". This would seem to be overtly flattering; however, the first character 美 (mei), though it does mean beautiful, is a vertical combination of the characters 大 (da) and 羊 (yang), meaning, respectively, "large" and "sheep".
The contrast between the conspicuous "beautiful" and the subtler "big sheep" contains a hidden truth and tells you everything you need to know about China's public versus private opinions of America and Americans. Rightly so.
Gallery
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See Also
- Anti-CNN
- Afghanistan
- Asia
- Communism
- Death Van
- India
- Japan
- Kazakhstan
- North Korea
- Olympic Flame
- Pakistan
- Russia
- Taiwan
- Tajikistan
- Vietnam
- Wang Jew
External links
- Chinese Habbo Hotel closed permanently thanks to AIDS.
- Chinese sell couches labeled as nigger-brown. At last, a quality product.
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China is related to a series on AZNS. |
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