China
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
| —BBC 6 O'Clock News, May 12 2008 |
China, known to many of its inhabitants as the center of the world, is the largest country in the world by population (well, except for India, but nobody cares about them). In fact, they have so many people that they've instituted a One-child policy. One of our largest trading partners, China has been known to export defective and dangerous products. However, some argue that the Chinese are inscrutable.
One may refer to the people of China by many names, including:
- Oriental (Orienter)
- Chinaman
- Chink
- Chinky-winky
- Chunk (fat chinks)
- Chiamese
- Chine
- Ricer
- Taiwanese
- Jackie Chan (Fact: Every Chinaman is Jackie Chan or an impersonator of him.)
Contents |
[edit] Geography
Lying in Southeast Asia, just South of its former Mongolian pimp-daddies is the People's Republic of China. The sheer size of this country makes Anglophiles piss themselves. Home to over 1.3 billion people, they've never quite gotten over their unfriendly rivalry with the other country that makes cheap Asian imports, the Republic of China in Taiwan. The only remaining Communist super power in the world, China maintains close ties with Russia, Vietnam, and North Korea.
[edit] People
In the wise words of Charles de Gaulle, "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese." There are many slang terms for citizens of China such as "Chinese", "Chinamen", "Chiamese", "Oriental/Orienter", "Chinks", "Chinky-winkies", "Chunks", "Dragons", "Triad", "White People Killers" and "Masters". However, the correct term is "Chinese" and you should always properly address them as such to avoid offending them. There are billions and billions of them. They are all inscrutable and probably Communist spies, but think how much money you'd make if you sold a cell phone to each of them. Many have pondered the reason for China's incredible population size, only to be baffled by the obvious ugliness of the women. Britain's greatest philosopher, Prince Philip, declared Chinese women to be the "ugliest in the world" (obviously this does not include loli).
There is only one kind of Chinese, contrary to popular belief. There is no such thing as Taiwanese, or Tibetans, or Mongolians. Those who address themselves as such are only members of Chinese society who have been cast out due to lower intelligence and ugly appearances.
Much like niggers with their basketball and spics with their menial labor, chiggers have their own special array of talents. At a young age, many boys are forced to engage in a life of studying the Confucian rites and being able to apply all that bullshit to the math and physics they're forced to cram for on a study night. And if all that isn't enough, they've got some crazy-ass Chinese parent behind them telling them to do it or else they won't make it into the country's best universities.
It is well documented that Chinese people, like all AZNs, are insane. This is the reason why the Japanese and their bitches the Koreans copied everything off of China and added animu gay flashy crap in to appeal to 16-year-old girls and lead them to them believe that Japan actually has a culture. In fact, many much-loved Japanese and Korean "inventions" in the West such as dog meat, Korean communism, Samurai, their entire numerical system, shotacon and widespread famine came from China or via China in the first place.
The Chinese countryside is dotted with sweatshops full of child laborers. It is said that the sound of their shoemaking can be heard from Mars. However, the years of labor they endure is all worth it, as on payday they are each given a small sum of sand and a handful of dog hairs.
Exactly 100% of Chinamen spend most of their lives as slaves in math plantations.
[edit] Chinese Hobbies
- Inspecting cunts through voyeurism
- Fucking other country's men due to chinese men's sexual inadequacies
- Giving birth to
over 9000 andone childrenper family cause Chinese penis doesn't fit into condoms. - Eating anything that moves and shitting epidemics. See SARS and AIDS.
- Preparing for the SAT at age 3
- Manufacturing inscrutably low-quality, knock-off products that break upon use
- Manufacturing malfunctioning weapons to other countries who are at war with each other only to make money
- Doing math (cause parents make them)
- Growing rice (all they are good at)
- Eating rice (and enjoying it)
- Ricing cars (cause of sexual inadequacy)
- Eating pussy (and dog)
- Butchering the English language by trying to adopt ebonics
- Stroking their huge e-peens by editing this article
- Peeing on the Dude's rug
- Farming virtual gold because basement dwellers will buy it
- Smelling like potstickers
[edit] Things They Don't Want You to Know
- Fact: All Chinese men have small penises.
- Myth: The enormous ones are only hidden from society, and are only used with beautiful beautiful women, and lots of them at the same time. They are quite common, but the stereotype drives some people away.
- Fact: Regardless of size, Every Penis In China Fails At Intercourse, Lol.
- Fact: Inconceivably, there are 1.3 billion of them.
- Fact: Like all Japanese women, all Chinese women have small breasts. Any Chinese women you see with normal or large breasts has implants.
[edit] Famous Chinese
- Lin Zhong Min
- Guan Yin
- Bruce Lee
- Mao Ze Dong
- Yao Ming
- Wang Wei (The pilot who took down an American plane and made them apologize)
- David Lin
- Ming The Merciless
- Fu Manchu
- Edison Chen (the hero with many jpegs to back him up)
- David Carradine
- Ms. Wang (Infamous traitor of China that was exposed by the Internet and the New York Times)
[edit] People who wish they were Chinese
- Jackie Chan
- Dali Lamer
- Kim Jung Il
- Bill Clinton
- Chuck Norris
- Jean Claude Van Damme
- Steven Segal
- William Hung
- Wesley Snipes
- Jason Statham
[edit] People on Chinese Pay Roll
- Bill Clinton
- Jim Oberweis
- Osama Bin Laden
- Hillary Clinton
- Kim Jong Il
- The Entire Nation of Iran
- 99% of Pakistan
- Sudan
[edit] Government
One of the few remaining Communist regimes in the world, China's leader is always a member of the Communist Party of China. While the Democratic Party of China, founded in 1998, tried to make a go of it, their leaders were promptly detained and sent to "correction facilities".
President Hu Jintao, has overseen the rise of China from a thid world nation to an economic superpower.
China's government is also known for its sterling Human Right's record, treating more diverse members of its society such as Falun Gong adherents and Tibetan Buddhists with the utmost dignity and respect.
[edit] Military
While China was famous in the past for losing hard to the Mongolians, then to those White Devils, and then to the Japanese, the latter half of the 20th Century saw a dramatic turnabout in China's ability to wage war.
In Korea and Vietnam they were notorious for their Zerg Rushes against Americunt forces.
Recent advances include:
- The selling of Nuclear Arms secrets to China by Bill Clinton (thanks a lot, asshole).
- The selling of uranium to china by drunk convicts.
- The purchasing of diesel-electric submarines that can sneak up on unsuspecting Americunt ships.
Disadvantages of the China Zerg Rush: It costs the Chinese government approximately $1 to give their soldiers a cheap uniform and a basic two day training course. That is not difficult. However, it is quite expensive to produce weapons, even if they are cheap, unreliable pieces of shit. Thus, the government forced everyone to learn Kung Fu. In a group of five Chinamen, there will be one or two with rifles. The others will just throw fireballs at you.
Advantages: No country has unlimited ammunition. Whilst a group of troops is firing at the neverending horde, a Chinaman will fly around the back and Kung Fu their ass up. Fuck with one, fuck with them all, and you're bound to get Kung Fu-cked Up. Why bother messing with them?
[edit] Economy
The people of China are willing to work hard for little money, from a young age until they drop dead. Without their hard work, most people in places like Australia, Canada and United States would be naked, living in trees, and eating berries.
Some notable Chinese exports include McDonald's Happy Meal toys, lead paint, diseased chicken, pirated copies of anything and everything, rice, Chinese food, and Stuntmen.
1.00 USD = 8 Chinese Yuan (also known as 'one month's wages').
A little known fact is that China owns trillions of dollars worth of US savings bonds, which, if sold, would completely own the United States economy.
[edit] History
While people have inhabited the region of China for thousands of years, China itself has a relatively short history as a nation. Before being owned, successively, by the Americans in Vietnam and Korea, the Japanese during WWII, the colonial powers, and the Mongolians, China was preceded by a series of violent and short-lived dynasties.
[edit] The Great Wall of China
At least 100 hundred years ago, the Great Wall was built to stave off invading Mongolian hordes from the North. As the Ming Dynasty can attest, this plan failed miserably(Although it did keep the rabbits out).
On the other hand, ordering that a great wall be built has turned out to be a very effective form of population control, as it is estimated that millions of people died constructing the wall over the span of thousands of years and several dynasties.
[edit] Later History
Either China made Marco Polo famous, or Marco Polo made China famous. At any rate, now we know what to say when wandering around a dark room. China is known for contributing spaghetti (YA RLY!), fireworks, gunpowder, and silk to Western civilization.
In the latter half of the 20th Century, China has had good relations with its neighboring country, Japan. In fact, whenever you meet a Chinese person, repeatedly refer to them as Japanese. This will ensure your ability to make many Chinese e-pals.
Inexplicably, the Chinese also get extremely offended when they are mistaken for Taiwanese. To demonstrate your knowledge and understanding of their culture, always be sure to tell them you are aware that Taiwan is NOT part of China and is in fact an entirely different country.
Deng Xiaoping, China's version of Reagan, was inscrutable. Was he a stalwart Communist a Capitalist reformer? Did he hate our freedom like all Communists, or did he love money like a good leader?
[edit] Tianamen Square
At least 100 years ago, some Chinamen decided they were fed up with the Communist system in China. They protested in the streets of every major city in China, demanding political reform. This led to some epic lulz, as protesters were shot and V& by the thousands. Ever since then, the Chinese government has censored any coverage of the Tianamen Square incident.
[edit] Great Firewall of China
Last Thursday, China embarked on a monumental project to protect its citizens from the evils of the internets. Called the Golden Shield project, every communication is routed through a government firewall, where it is blocked if it attempts to connect to a site banned in China. Naturally, it works just as well as the last Great Wall.
[edit] Unit 731
Unit 731 was a epic underground complex full of sekret stuffs, and if you dont know what it is you should probably google it, because its full of epic win and CP, but to sum it up...
Unit 731 (pronounced CHING-CHONG NIP NONG NONG) was a covert biological and chemical warfare research and development unit of the Imperial Japanese Army that undertook lethal human experimentation during World War II. It was responsible for some of the most notorious war crimes carried out by Japanese personnel.
[edit] Culture
While the majority of Chinese are surprisingly non-religious, those who are religious must adhere to one of the state-sanctioned religions, such as Buddhism, Taoism, Confucianism, or Christianity. Members of non-sanctioned religions such as Falun Gong are V& and sent to correction facilities, where their vital organs are harvested and sold on the black market.
According to John Lennon, If you go carrying pictures of Chairman Mao, you ain't gonna make it with anyone anyhow.
Average Chinese children spend up to 200% of their time in sweatshops. They have most likely created your shoes, braces, computers, houses, electronics and food. The average sweatshop laborer receives a maximum of ten grains of rice per day.
[edit] Food
Many Americans think of eggrolls, General Tsao's (or Tso's, Gau's, Zor's, Chau's) chicken, and chop suey as Chinese food. However, all of this is untrue. "Chicken" is actually made from the stray cats in the alleys of Chinatowns while chop suey is in fact a traditional Armenian dish popularized by the band System of a Down.
One must travel to China to find true, authentic Chinese food. Feast on such mouth-watering delicacies as:
- Human Fetus
- Cat and Dog
- Beef tripe
- Fried eel
- Internal Organs of Persecuted Falun Gong followers.
- Swallow bird's nest
- Chicken gizzards
- Marinated squid and jellyfish tentacles
- Roast pigeon
- Dog soup
- Artificially made eggs
- Cardboard buns
The Chinese, enamored to the magical delicacy of Slurpees, have allowed Western convenience stores to infiltrate the southern province of Guangzhou and it's Specially Economical Zone of Shenzhen. Last Thursday, thousands of 7-11s sprouted up in all sizes from kiosk to full size store.
[edit] Sports
The Chinese are notoriously great at gymnastics, martial arts, figure skating, ping pong, and as stuntmen. However, their prowess in Western sports is limited to the freakishly tall Yao Ming.
[edit] Language
The entire Chinese language consists of two syllables: cheech and chong. Linguistic scholars[citation not needed] believe this to be the origin of the term "Ching Chong Chinaman."
These two syllables, however, are represented by 40 million characters, each consisting of random chicken scratches.
[edit] Music
[edit] List of Ancient Chinese Pastimes
- Skinning kittens and puppies alive at fur farms
- Cooking Cats and Dogs, as well as other animals alive.
- Visciously torturing innocent animals for fur, for food, or for fun.
- Eating dogs and cats
- Opening Chinese restaurants
- Writing fortunes in fortune cookies
- Kung fu
- Speaking Engrish
- Making McDonalds Happy Meal toys
- Working at the local Wal-Mart
- Manufacturing SARS (and possibly other deadly diseases for export to the rest of the world)
- Stealing American jobs through outsourced labor
- Chinese fire drills
- Sticking it to the White Man
- Playing ping pong
- Farming Gold
- Being a Chink
- Footbinding
- Spitting on sidewalks
- Smelling like shit
- Scaring America with communism and failing at it
- Scaring America with capitalism
- Poisoning the world
- Peeing on the Dude's rug
- Engineering man-made viruses such as SARS and the Avian Flu in hopes of thinning out their population by 75%.
- Executing people for simply having any kind of religious faith which is considered a "threat to national security"
- Executing EVERYONE!
- Executing political prisoners and then charging the deceased's families for the cost of the bullets
- Being unthinkably evil
- Running people over with tanks
- Having the filthiest and most polluted enviroment in the world
- Having filthy living standards
- Framing Tibetan monks for "bomb plots" and then promptly executing them
- Holding the record for THE most murderous regime in all of human history, having murdered over 250,000,000 people
- Murdering people who claim to have cured cancer
- Kidnapping and murdering people to harvest their organs
- Having no safety and sanitation laws
- Immediately exeucuting people who look at government officials, military, and police the wrong way
- Invulnerablizing their evils behind 5,000 thermonuclear weapons, and mutually assured destruction
- Being gooks
[edit] Accidents
According to a report at least 100,000,000 Chinese died in accidents in 2007, this is a dramatic 10% drop from the previous year. Some officials cite less hazards in the workplace such as two inspections per year rather than just one, a gun to encourage factory workers to do it right, and signs that replace 'do not touch this' with images of smiley communist pandas describing what can happen with images of a mangled worker.
[edit] US-China Relations
The Chinese word for America is 美國, pronounced meiguo, a transliteration which means literally 'beautiful country.' This would seem to be overtly flattering; however, the first character 美 (mei), though it does mean beautiful, is a vertical combination of the characters 大 (da) and 羊 (yang), meaning, respectively, 'large' and 'sheep'.
The contrast between the conspicuous 'beautiful' and the subtler 'big sheep' tells you everything you need to know about China's public versus private opinions of America and Americans.
[edit] Gallery
| Gallery | |||||||||
|
|||||||||
|
|
|||||||||
|
[edit] See Also
[edit] External links
- Chinese Habbo Hotel closed permanently thanks to AIDS.
 |
China is related to a series on AZNS. |
|
