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Chris-chan
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Note: this is an article about an Encyclopedia Dramatica user. For more information, please see the appropriate user page. To leave this user a message, please visit User_Talk:Christian Weston Chandler.
Chris-chan (AKA: Sonichu, CWC, Christian Weston Chandler) is a 25 year old self-proclaimed "high functioning" autistic virgin, and creator of his own awesomely drawn series of comics starring his brilliant crossover of Sonic and Pikachu. His hobbies include creating My Little Pony figures with his own hair, stalking women at the mall, finding a "Boyfriend-Free girl to make into a Sweetheart from the Ground-Up", and drawing pictures of himself having sex with his imaginary twin sister. It gets far worse, my friends... Much, much worse. Watch or just read on in horror...
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[edit] Background
First discovered on October 31, 2007, his webcomics usually relate to fictionalized versions of his own adventures at the local mall, in which he is accompanied by his imaginary friend/fanfic character Sonichu and ambushed by Jerkops, the fake police who give him a good ass-kicking. Yes, he can't win even in his own fiction.
His comic aside, he also has a Myspace and Youtube account. His Myspace describes his retarded quest for a "boyfriend-free girl", and verifies his stalking tactics. He's also Old Fashioned. His concept of a Sweetheart, for example, excludes the possibility that she might be black. Shortly after the discovery of Chris-chan, a /v/irgin on Ebaums revealed that he frequented the local hobby store, where said /v/irgin also hung out and had managed to catch a few glimpses of our favourite heart-shattered, soul-murdered nutcase playing Pokemon. He is easily identified by his multiple chins, homemade medallion, and extremely limited wardrobe - despite his chubby girth, he sticks to his trusty ol' tightly-fitted, K-Mart-sales-rack horizontal-stripe numbers in horrifyingly bright colors.
[edit] The Medallion of Power
Yes, Chris-chan, as you may have noticed, wears a medallion around his neck in homage to the character he created to be his alter-ego. In public. Not only is this desperately sad, but it looks like he put a lot of effort into it. It appears to be made from Crayola model magic, then painted and glossed over. Autistic faggots have far too much time on their hands.
This mystical object identifies him as the high-functioning Autistic individual that he is. It's speculated that it may also be the magical source of his Psychic Powers, Quick-Play Speed and ability to ward off the monsters hiding under his bed.
The value that Chris-chan places on this medallion makes it imperative that Anonymous obtain it by any means necessary for massive lulz. A WARNING: Because Chris-chan is autistic, it is entirely possible that he will go completely apeshit if any Anon attempts to steal it, as it is not uncommon for autistics to become obsessively attached to certain items. So don't blame it on Anon when he shanks you with his Pokemon card tin.
It is now known that Chris-chan actually has two medallions: The Sonichu medallion and an even more retarded Black Sonichu suggesting that he has far too much free time on his hands. Double, in fact, the amount originally suspected.
[edit] The comic itself
The comic stars Sonichu, a Pikachu/Sonic hybrid, and CWC, who for some reason is Sonichu's father. The comic initially stars Sonichu and 5 other multicolored OCs, until Chris and fictionalized versions of his childhood friend and the guy she fell for also turn into hedgehogs (this entire storyline is created for the sole purpose of portraying Chris as a victim and the guy who his friend fell for as a villain). He also fights frequently with his two nemeses, Mary Lee Walsh (see the appropriately named section for the lulzworthy explanation), and Reldnahc Notsew Naitsirhc, who is not only a bad version of Chris-chan, but his COMPLETE OPPOSITE. You can tell he's bad because he left his white stuff in Black Sonichu's Rockets and because his name is Chris's real name spelled backwards. What an imaginative character! All this and more, with short episodes of Chris's escapades at the mall peppered in between.
What is very sad about the whole thing is that most of it is true. Chris has actually been arrested for "soliciting" and "loitering" at his local mall in Virginia. Some of the more disturbing parts of the comic involve his imaginary twin sister, Crystal (aka Crystalina). The same name he wanted to give his to-be daughter. In the comic, he summons his sister by using a "heart-torch" made of pixilblocks... And he actually made a real one outside of the comic. Later comics have him commenting on how attractive his sister is... A later upload by CWC himself verified that he wants to have sex with his imaginary twin sister. So, this Crystal would be both his daughter and sister... In other words, he wants to impregnate his mother, then have sex with the offspring.
As is that weren't enough, he also started drawing an anthropomorphized version of his dog. His dead dog. This is the only female character in is comics that he actually doesn't want to have sex with. Actually, I lied. He totally wants to bang the dog too.
Another character from the comic is Sailor Megtune, a fucktarded Sailor Moon character based on one of his "girlfriends". Chris has a tendency to use "girlfriend" to describe any woman he stalks, but he got closer to Megan than any of his previous attempts. She drew a piece of fanart for the comic, and as a result Chris made sure to add overdone anime eyes to every character. Predictably, she got tired of Chris...
| —Chris-Chan |
BAAAAAWWW, girls don't like creepy autistic guys who stalk women at the mall and draw comics about cartoon characters marketed towards children.
[edit] Chris-Chizzy gets phunkizzy
The "PaRappa contest" he's referring is the following: In July 2007, Sony held a contest (Chop Chop Master Onion's Rap Showdown) to promote their PaRappa the Rapper video game. The grand prize was a trip to an arcade in Seattle. Chris Chan entered. He lost.
| —Chis-Chan, [1] |
His submission can be seen here: [[2]] When he failed to win the contest, he got pissed off and made another video of him shooting a printout of the winner with a toy gun, over and over. [[3]] Not only that, but he had a comment from some fag pretending to be parappa saying that he did a "good job of dancing". Chris is so sad that he has to make fake accounts so his Myspace has any comments... Extra lulz in the fact that the Parappa Myspace was registered under "parappatherapingdog". It's no wonder that Megan left him after that drama. That, or maybe she saw his hand-drawn collection of Rule 34. That'd be enough to scare anyone away who wasn't already disturbed by his behavior.
[edit] Christian Weston Chandler's Illustrious Ancestry
Christian is descended from Anne Boleyn, apparently. The fact that Anne Boleyn only had one child, Queen Elizabeth I, who in turn had no children, makes this impossible. But, you know, whatever. He also claims to have been descended from one Daniel Weston, who supposedly came to America on the Mayflower pilgrim voyage. No such person is listed on the Mayflower log.
Christian's mother is 66 and his father is 80, meaning that she was 41 and he was 55 when he was born. One can surmise that his current mental state shows why having children so late in life is a bad idea.
[edit] Holy shit, he's not a Troll
[edit] Independent Confirmation
Unfortunately, this is not an elaborate troll. There is far too much detail in this web of depravity, ranging from the frankly bizarre Youtube videos to the disturbing amount of children's merchandise in his room.
There's also conclusive proof from around late 2004 that he was wandering stores in search of his true love. The following was found in a random blog on the tubes: [[4]]
| —Anniebannany, [5] |
However, it all gets much more awkward when he goes in and tries to talk to the poor ladies that work there.
| —Anniebannany, [6] |
For the rest of the story, Ms. Anniebannany describes his extremely unsettling and awkward advances toward her. He kind of gives his game away by asking if she has a boyfriend, fucks up a chat-up line, and outright asks if he can have her phone number, Of course, she refuses like any half sane person would, but he insists on handing her his personal business card. Stephen King might want to take notes:
| —Anniebannany, [7] |
[edit] Lonely Gentlemen, Take Notes
Keep in mind that autistics can't help being socially awkward, but Chris is not content to stick with his own kind so that he might actually have a fighting chance at spawning the grotesque offspring he so desires, but insists on forcing his attentions on normal women; thus bringing upon himself the Wrath of both Almighty God and The Almightier Internet.
Despite being completely obsessed with the opposite gender and his sad state of loneliness, the stunning hilarious truth is that instead of trying to engage other human beings in normal social activity, his brilliant ideas of bringing the ladies running are:
- Pacing around a lot, playing his GBAVideo
- Shouting at walls, or "singing random songs from memory now and then"
- Sitting around with a homemade sign that reads "I am a 25-Year Old, Single Male, seeking a Boyfriend-Free, 18-25-year old, caring, smoke-free, non-alcoholic white Single Female Companion" with an ARROW POINTING TO HIM.
His blog posts reveal that these are his exact tactics to attract female attention (he calls time thus spent as his "Attraction Time"). Given his success, it's obvious that the chicks sure love creepy sign-wearing 25 year olds shouting incoherently and watching Spongebob on their GBAs.
[edit] Chris-chan's Important Message
Enjoy, Learn, and Stay Straight (I AM SERIOUS)
Dear Christ Almighty.
In this nine minutes of pain, this broken-headed man-baby, closely resembling a malfunctioning robot trying to affectate human emotion, gives his stunted half-though life advice on the following:
Attracting the opposite gender
- He tells boys to play with My Little Ponies and girls to play with Transformers. This advice is supposed to help teenagers understand the opposite gender's hobbies. Oh right, Chris, a 25 year old virgin telling teens how to get laid. Um. Thanks.
Smoking
- He says it will cause lung cancer, and a bunch of other half assed facts he remembers from 7th grade health class. He also states that he wants to take every ounce of "tabacky" (so pronounced as to avoid unleashing the dark powers of that vile word) and shoot it to the moon.
Along with the tabacky, we should send all the grating, broken, homophobic autistics rubbing toy ponies on their awful faces to the moon too.
Drinking
- He says it's icky. And it can KILL you in a quick-crash second.
Homosexuality
- He rambles on about how being gay is bad and you shouldn't "become" gay. The style with which he does this is strongly suggestive of someone who's defensive about it and trying to talk themselves into something.
- He implies that while playing with My Little Ponies and Transformers, you might forget your gender and become gay (he therefore contradicts himself in a style that's little more than world-class). He seems very familiar with this problem.
- He proclaims that God doesn't like it and that it will be bad for your future family. Coming from a 25-year old virgin, this doesn't say much.
- He also calls being gay a vice citing, of all people, the famously bisexual Dr. Alfred Kinsey.
Again, this is a 25 year old virgin attempting to teach the world about love and sex when his only experience in such matters is stalking women at the mall and being molested by several therapists and clergymen throughout his childhood.
Being yourself
- He says people who don't like you for who you are are "peanuts".
So if you're a fag or a dyke, feel free to call Chris a peanut.
War (?)
- He says war isn't the answer, compliments will get you fuzzy wuzzies, war will get you prickly wicklies. Researchers are still attempting to find what language translates "people getting their faces blown off" into "prickly wicklies". Yes Chris. You should really tell all the families of the dead soldiers that War got their Dad/husband/uncle/brother/cousin 'prickly wicklies' and thats why they're dead.
[edit] His God Awful Myspace
http://www.myspace.com/sonichucwc
He keeps a 'to-stalk' list. PUBLICLY. Plus, it seems even CWC can't avoid the dreaded Myspace 'HAVE AN AWESOME EVENING' glitter pictures that every cunt has shat onto their page at some point. Are these the 'Gal Pals' he talks fondly of? For the sake of lulz, let's say yes.
| —Chris-chan, [8] |
Most of his rage and artistic inspiration comes from the fact that he got butthurt because he was stalking people at a busy place, and pretty much resisted arrest. The consequences of his run-in with the law remain unknown.
As you can see, a common theme with him is that it's not HIS fault that he can't get a girl friend. It's not the fact that he's a creepy man-boy who wears a Crayola medallion in public, or the fact that despite being a 25 year old virgin he has ridiculously high standards, it's that OTHER people are out to get him. In his blogs and comics, he always has someone to blame for "thwarting his plans to get a girlfriend", despite the fact that they're all just doing their jobs of enforcing an awesomely fucked-up false law. Although according to him, their jobs are to keep all in Virginia virgins forever. (All Hail the Grey-Haired Witch-Bitch, Mary Lee Walsh) Another arrogance in this is him assuming that they're even worsening his chances. When the cops are handcuffing him, 15 Aryan girls walked in hoping to find an autistic 22 year old guy, who wears an OC medallion, who has a horizontal stripe fetish, right?
Another incredibly sad hobby of Chris' is to collect My Little Pony figures. Not only does he collect them, he actually makes his own. Aside from the hilariously bad craftsmanship, he also created profiles for some of them. These include "Cheroki-Chan", his alter ego, and Crystal, his daughter who went back in time to help him find his "future Sweetheart". Considering he's also the creator of a Pokemon/Sonic crossover comic, this isn't that surprising.
 PLEASE KILL ME |
 He creams of getting married to his future sweetheart |
 There is seriously something wrong with this guy |
 Naruto and my little pony? MOAR HYBRIDS???? |
As of March 2008, Chris-Chan's MySpace features a background version of the Macarena with Chris-Chan stuttering along with some improvised lyrics. It is only made bearable due to the hilarity that is his singing which sounds like an epileptic speaking in tongues while deep-throating a high voltage line.
Listen here.
In light of this unholy abomination I ask you, Christianhillbilly: Where is your God now?
He also feels the need to reiterate the following quote over and over on his myspace, because you might not have noticed it the first time, when he put it in BOLD TEXT.
| —Chris-chan |
[edit] Chris Chan vs Mary Lee Walsh
Chris-chan's arch nemesis is none other than Mary Lee Walsh!
| —Chris-chan, [[9]] |
A quick google search on Mary Lee Walsh finds that she is the dean of Piedmont Virginia Community College. Apparently she thought Chris's "harmless" little sign was an attempt to find his Sweetheart on campus (what any normal human being would think), and ripped it up. She then had him kicked out and banned for a year. He obsesses over her because of this, and wrote about her many times in his comics as a Grey-Haired Witch with a shoddy Devil-Style Viking helmet, that he fought against with his Sonichu character. You can probably already feel your previous sympathy draining away as you read this.
An email was sent to her not long after the discovery of Chris-Chan, but it is unknown if she ever got the email or if she is aware of what he has written about her, though she has evidently obtained a copy of the "CWC On TV" DVD from her pawn, Susan Hannifan.
For more lulz, he made a video of him fighting Mary Lee Walsh as a custom character in Soul Calibur 3. In his own words:
| —Chris-Chan |
Even on the easiest setting, he has difficulty winning... For the record, many students and faculty at PVCC seem to have issues with Dean Mary Lee Walsh. Not that said issues are so clearly one-sided as the ones that CWC has with her.
[edit] Oh god, he wrote to Nintendo Power...
Right when the lulz were dying down, Anon discovered that Chris wrote to Nintendo Power in April of 2005 to discuss the game, Sprung: A good American dating simulator that does everything one way or another, and was overjoyed to discover that they published his email. Here it is reproduced in its entirety for your reading pleasure (or displeasure):
| —Chris-Chan from the April 2005 edition of Nintendo Power |
Chris proudly displays this on his website for all to see, oblivious to the lulz that ensue upon viewing.
[edit] E-mails
One anon sent him an e-mail full of fanart drawn by /v/. Lulz ensued when Chris-chan replied. Check it out.
 MASTURBATIN' AND SQUIRTIN' has gone down in infamy. The same anon shortly after drew the image he requested and send it off. |
 Oh lawd... |
 Oh lawd again... |
 Do you think he'll like all these? |
 Oh. I guess not. OH SHITS HE KNOWS |
 IF I SEE THAT PICKLE ONE MORE TIME |
 This won't end well |
[edit] How i shot wiki
CWC himself has made several attempts to edit his own article. Initially, he did this using his Reldnahc account. It's obvious that Reldnahc is CWC upon viewing his contributions. [[10]] Not only does he immediately attempt to upload one of his fucktarded songs, but he tries using 1337 HTML skills in an attempt to make the article as well designed as his website. He also uploaded rule 34 of his own characters. He tried to upload other images, like those of his blow-up girlfriend, but fortunately they appear to have been removed.
Edits to the article itself are mostly random. He mainly added chunks of text from uncited sources. From these, we learn that Megan, another victim of his stalking ways, shattered his heart. He also printed out the Sonichu News Dash on his website and distributed it at his school, and had another conflict with Mary Lee Walsh over it.
It seems that he finally realized the context of the article and snapped when he created another account, Chris-chan, and replaced the entire article with the following:
This was, of course, unsuccessful, unless having a vandalized version of the article up for less than a minute is a good thing. Second attempt. [[11]] Third attempt. [[12]] The fourth attempt. [[13]]
This is hilarious coming from a 25-year old virgin who plays Yugioh, collects My Little Pony's and draws pictures of himself having sex with his imaginary twin sister. Fifth attempt. It seems that Chris has some sand in his vagina over someone who's actually sucessful. [[14]]
Personal army? Don't think so, Chris. In his 6th attempt, he seems to think he can somehow use his incredible HTML skills to remove the article. [[15]] Based on the consistency of his pageblanks, we know 2 things. First, he checks this article on a regular basis(Hi Chris!), and second, has no idea how a Wiki works.
[edit] Sonichu is original character so DO NOT STEAL!!1
 Wishful thinking will get you nowhere |
 "MY WOODEN BADGE WAS DELICIOUS!" |
 "did you bathe?" "no" |
 Megan, one of the many victims of Chris' stalking habit. Note the fear in her eyes. |
 IF I SEE ONE MORE FREAKIN' PICKLE... |
 Pussy deflector |
 Why do I get the feeling that he wants to suck a dick? |
 Why do I get the feeling that he wants to fondle balls? |
 Why do I get the feeling that he's into bestiality? |
 lol wut |
 What he jacks off to |
 He wants ladies to fuck him |
 FFFFFFFFFFgsds |
 "In the end, he'll say, 'One girlfriend, please.' Because he'll probably fail again..." |
 The Perfect Plan |
 rare sighting of Black Sonichu |
 Uploaded by Chris himself. Finally, something other than Talladega Nights to play... |
 My God, we've reached critical mass. It's a freaking rule 34 singularity |
 It's as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced |
 "About average... Athletic and toned... Slender..." |
[edit] Fanart
| —Chris-Chan, [16] |
ZOMG! ED is in danger of a lawsuit! To counter this, here is all the crap we have stolen/made fun of/shit out to spite him.
 SONICHU MAH BOI |
 |
 E-mail sender's art of Rosechu with pickles |
 The Only Reasonable and Inexpensive Idea he could ever fucking think of |
 |
 If only... |
 I WILLLLLL SSSSUUUEEE! |
|
 Epic fail |
 How the fuck does this work? |
 ENHANCED REMAKE |
 Chris-chan in five years |
 He will show you online |
 Sronikjew Hredgehawg |
 It is strongly reccomended that you draw more pickles on rosechu. MOAR!!! |
 Rosechu IS a pickle. |
 Rosechu with MOAR Pickles! |
 |
 |
 "OMG ORIGINAL CHARACKTERZ DO NOT STEEL! |
 |
 |
 |
 Win! |
 |
 OC Battle! |
 Maybe Chris-chan just doesn't like spoofy, fucked-up parodies. |
 |
 No niggers allowed. |
 |
 |
 |
 The evil Mary Lee Walsh |
 Chris's Imaginary Twin Sister doesn't have a problem with the evil Mary Lee Walsh |
 fapfapfap |
 The sign says it all. |
 posted on his site's shitty guestbook. |
 The reason CWC hates black people. |
 He made me burn mah DS! |
 Shmorky, Kevin Bowen, and Axemaniac of Something Awful poke fun at him. |
 |
 Even Furries don't like Sonichu. |
 When Sega and Nintendo's dicks collide in the fertile mind of an Ass-pie |
 Sonic characters can never be sexy; This is the lawd's decree. |
 CWC gets his card crushed. |
[edit] Chris-chan's Personal Rule 34
Keep in mind, all of the following images were drawn and uploaded by CWC himself. Staring directly at them is not recommended.
| —Chris-chan, on how he's a good person |
 Looks like he beat us to it. |
 |
 |
 He ruined Mary Lee Walsh! |
[edit] Related Articles
[edit] Links
- Chris-chan's comics SAUCE!!!!
- New Youtube account unconfirmed
- His failed attempt to sell his abused Gamecube
- Another attempt to sell his Gamecube We have a winner! Has Chris-chan found his one true love at last?
- On Match.com
- His AOL profile
- His MySpace
- Second Myspace, also full of fail.
- The {mock/lulzy} Myspace account of Mary Lee Walsh herself! Link it everywhere For Great Justice!
- (old) Youtube account
- Chris-chan's Facebook account. Srsly.
This is beyond creepyRead Mirror Here "Deleted my Blogs, so you can't pick on me." BAWWWWWWW- What others think of Chris
- Mock DA account
- CWC's Vroom-A-Zoom! Hot Wheels site
- *SHOCK**HORROR* he has an Uncyclopedia account
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Chris-chan is part of a series on Aspies. |
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