Christian
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
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A Christian is a zealous Jesus fanboy, typically one with a small dick. Christians often have a sexual obsession with Jesus Christ. They are, ironically, proof that there was no Intelligent design, and are usually total fags. They believe there is a vast secular conspiracy to exterminate them by not forcing kids to pray to their deity and taking the word "God" off of coins [1]. The next logical step would be to feed them all to lions. They will accuse YOU of hating Jesus, do you hate Jesus?
Christ fandom is one of the oldest, with a history that spans continents and centuries. To insinuate to a fundamentalist (hard-core) Christian that the Bible is poorly-written fiction will probably result in you being burnt at the stake. Christians, like furries, are often very defensive about their degeneracy. The most important day of the year for Christians is Easter-Day when, legend would have it, Jesus Christ burst forth from a giant chocolate egg to save you from your sins.
[edit] Beliefs
Christian mythology revolves around a mary sue by the name of Jesus. Jesus was a Jewish carpenter who was born from a 16 year old girl (who got knocked up after she was raped by an angel), became a magician, developed a huge fetish for BDSM and became an hero for your sins. He then became a zombie and flew into space with Xenu, the alien space-god. As if this isn't ridiculous enough, Christians also believe that you must pray every day to his zombie bones to remove the thetans from your soul that were put there because a rib-woman ate an apple offered to her by a talking snake. No, srsly.
[edit] The Bible
The Bible is a boring space opera where Xenu God gOD, a galactic tyrant, fucked everyone over who ever thought of crossing him in an effort to show them who wore the pants. God gOD did. Despite causing certain and repeated ruination he eventually grew tired of killing off nearly all of the population of which he created because he's a nice guy. He also apparently hates fags. Just ask his best servant, Fred Phelps, the smartest man in the world.
All Christians are hardcore fans of the Bible and will literally stab you in the face if you do not immediately embrace their exact view of God. Christians are inherently mentally retarded and must read from The Bible at all times. If you ever tell a Bible joke to a Christian they will instantly ignore you times at least 100 thousand because you're a hater, you god damn insensitive atheist. They reject basic scientific facts due to skepticism yet in a stunning twist they believe fucking everything written in any book labeled "The Bible", regardless of how unbelievable it is.
[edit] The Bible: Special Edition 2-disc set
Most Christians are split between the canon original (aka Old Testament) and the fanfic (aka new Testament, moar liek JEW Testament, amirite?) and there is much debate as to which version is best. Clearly, you can trust us to give you advice on such matters.
[edit] Old Testament
Starting from the beginning of all life as we know it, we learn of God and the mysterious ways of how he rolls. The majority of the Old Testament is made up of telling a lulzy world history that science would've made boring (one must admit, "And on the 3,749,158th day, the amorphous blob grew leg-like appendages" isn't very inspiring when framed and hung up on some redneck's wall). The lulz stem from whenever God, seeing that his creation is plagued with sinners and evil, decides to fuck some shit up. These included actions such as flooding the entire world, creating the concept of foreign languages just to confuse everybody, and destroying everyone and everything having anything to do with a city full of faggotry. However, God has shown a kinder side, as that last act caused him to give a similar city a second chance by sending some self-righteous asshole to tell them to cut it out. They did, but this wasn't enough for the man. Miles away, the man commanded God to kill them anyway, hoping to lulz with God. The man waited for days, but God, not wanting to have someone untrolled, ignored him, turning him into a weeping husk of a man. God let him die, leaving him and the world a message: "God is not your personal army". The rest of the Old Testament is pretty boring.
Basically, this half of The Bible is used as proof that evolution is wrong and anyone who disagrees is educated stupid (that MIT education of yours? FOUNDED ON LIES.). It is also used by trolls taking the form of Christians to tell people that God is an abusive, alcoholic, vengeful son of a bitch. It is also the part of The Bible that Jews prefer. Not that it means anything.
[edit] New Testament
It's a bit like the Old Testament, but with 100% more Jesus, and a lot less of God's awesome wrath. Basically, Jesus goes around, impressing people with His ability to hack into reality (and put Goatse everywhere), sharing His wisdom and love for His children and flipping tables over. He also says the Old Testament should be ignored. Many claimed He was the only perfect man. Emphasis on "only", and for good reason: nobody could stand Him. They couldn't take anymore of His anus perpetually crapping out divinity, so they nailed him to a tree. Not much happens, except for Armageddon, which involves demons using our heads as toilets (No, seriously.) and Wal-Mart.
This half of The Bible is the one more universally accepted as the shiny, happy, family-friendly version of God. As such, it was perfect material for a great, fun-for-the-whole-family movie, which would be called "Passion of the Christ". A three-hour guro flick, every God-fearing mother dragged their kids into bearing it, saying that the R-rating means that the material is a sensitive subject that is told in a manner that isn't sugar-coated, and is intended for persons mature enough to handle it (like their 6-year-old son). Despite this glimmer of intelligence, this logic is never, ever applied to any form of media unless it involves how great and superior Christianity is (The Godfather was a waste of celluloid).
However this is all futile as everyone knows that eventually Xenu will descend from the heavens, not Jesus.
[edit] Baptist
Interchangeable with Evangelicalism, Baptist is a fundamentalist cult of Christianity that is generally associated with people who have three teeth and fuck their sisters; these people generally live in states such as Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and South Carolina. Unfortunately, Baptists are also located all over the United States and world.
Although a roaring success as a cult, there's practically nothing which all or even most Baptists can agree on that separates them from other types of Christianity, except that yelling "I'm saved" is the coolest thing evar. Their members are often known for their fascist political leanings and tendency to be profoundly moronic rednecks. Southern Baptists also often say that anyone who consumes alcohol is going to hell, which is total bullshit since half of the Bible is all about people getting drunk and fucking. They will stop at nothing to make sure YOU aren't having the gay, except when they are, in which case it's for the good of Jesus. Despite wanting to rape and pillage every intelligent thought outside of PRAY-AH, they've some how managed to stumble into politics to troll the gays as to keep them from prancing in fields and licking lolipops. Also, most Baptists <3 Jews which is just stupid. DON'T YOU PEOPLE GET IT! THE FUCKING KIKES DID WTC AND THEY STILL TO THIS DAY LIE ABOUT THE HOLOCAUST, THEY DO NOT DESERVE OUR LOVE OR EVEN THE RIGHT TO LIVE, WE NEED TO MAKE THE HOLOCAUST REAL, WHO'S WITH ME???????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
| —Jerry Falwell, PREACHIN DA' BIBLE |
| —Pat Robertson telling the truth |
Baptists control fucking everything from their Jesus clad ivory towers in order to sell SALVATION and stomp angrily at whatever happens to offend them this week. They tend to alienate the entire nation by claiming AIDS, God's weapon of choice, is going to assrape everyone into loving Jesus. When not blaring their love of God on every TV, radio, and newspaper they take to PREACHIN' TO DA MASSES, this usually varies from drowning people, punching them in the face, or raping eardrums through the power of extremely shitty music. The best preacher ever to be born is was Ted Haggard who warned people of the gay and drugged as to lead a moral and just life.
Baptist services are generally characterized as cheerful and fun. There is usually a snake-handling session with some angry rattlers, some spontaneous cancer and paralysis cures. Oddly, they think that glossolalia (speaking in tongues) is the Devil's work. WTF? A tradition that many Baptists have is to hate on Catholics because of slight differences in their Christian beliefs. They complain that Catholics don't read the Bible and are otherwise ignorant, but what they forget to mention is that only about 10% of Baptists have even graduated college. However, this still puts them way above Pentecostalists and Scientologists.
[edit] Cathlolicism
Cathlolics, or "Cathyz" as they are called OL, are just as dumb as other Christians except they live in Pennsylvania and avoid modern devices such as indoor plumbing and electricity. Every year, the Cathlolic teenagers go to Rumspringa, a sort-of spiritual spring-break, where they get to commit crimes and suck cock without getting in trouble.
You can identify a Cathlolic girl by her willingness to let you stick your penis in any orifice but her vagoo. Fact: Cathlolic girls swallow cum... < remember to google that.
| —Mother Teresa |
The organization which Cathlolics belong to (and typically know nothing about) is the Roman Cathlolic Church, located in the red light district of Rome. It was founded as the Nazi pedophile division no more than 99 years ago by Adolf Hitler himself. It quickly grew in numbers as child molesters joined the priesthood looking for a nice bit of loli. Today, it has branches all over the world and probably has one just round the corner from your home. You can drop the kids off there at any time!
[edit] Fundamentalists
A brief synopsis of fundamentalists:
| —Fundamentalist |
| —Fundamentalist, regarding 5th graders fucking |
| —Fundamentalist |
[edit] Christian Oppression
Christians make up around 84% of the United States, but still will always moan about how oppressed they are. They are happy to shit over everybody else's viewpoints, but if you ever dare criticize Christianity, you will be accused of being "disrespectful". Example:
Typical Christian:
'All Muslims are going to hell, because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
All Hindus are going to hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
All Buddhists are going to hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
All Wiccans are going to hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.
All...
Guy:
'Wait a minute, how are those religions any less valid than Christianity?'
Christian:
'How dare you offend my sacred, deeply held beliefs! Stop oppressing me!'
Guy:
[edit] Christians and Jews
Most theorize that Christians are able to tolerate the Jews being in Israel because the only thing they hate moar than Jews are the Muslims, turning the whole situation into a "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" sort of deal. Actually, that's an Arab proverb. Fuck Arabs and Fuck that. It's probably just that they are confident that Jesus will return when the Temple of Solomon is rebuilt and kill all the Jews. So it's a small price to pay in the long run.
[edit] Christians and Sex
Contrary to popular belief, Xtians are not against sex in any way. Catholics have always supported sex in the church, usually be sticking their holy dongs in the ass of a 13 year old boy. Some people wrongly assume that being fucked by a pedophile as a kiddie is deeply traumatizing and will scar you for life. Richard Dawkins and TheAmazingAtheist don't believe that shit either. Finally, something atheists and theists can agree on.
Protestants are the biggest advocates of buttsecks in the church. Vicars will night to find some sweet, sweet cock. Even though vicars are allowed to marry.
At least the Catholics have an excuse.
[edit] Christianity LJ Community
Christianity is moderated by jjostm, ariston, and pould. This community is the home of much drama. Past graduates have included purelily, foxmagic, and Nathan Sheets. Once upon a time, butt sex used to be the prime object of discussion, but now all "love juice" questions are directed at christianitysex. Instead, the denizens of this community now get their holy mojo risin' via hilariously pseudo-nonchalant usage of Jewish and Hebrew terms, to make themselves sound more "authentic" or what have you.
This group is especially useful for those who suspect themselves of being damned. A quick listing of your sins will result in helpful feedback indicating not only which circle of hell you will suffer in for all eternity, but whether your assigned demons will use pitchforks or cattle prods.
The group is able to offer this service through member myprophet, who has announced she is God's appointed voice on Earth. The Pope denies this, saying he is God's appointed voice on Earth. George W. Bush says they are both crazy blasphemers, and he is God's appointed voice on Earth. Attempts to settle the issue through a walk-that-water challenge have as yet been unsuccessful due to scheduling difficulties, however God is quoted as saying "Jesus fucking Christ, I don't know why I bother."
[edit] #1 On the Charts, #1 In Your Hearts
Despite the above, Christianity is the One True Religion. By any standard — number of adherents, amount of real estate, weeks spent on the Billboard charts — Christianity is by far the #1 religion on Earth. Of course, popularity in itself does not mean Christianity is the One True Religion — after all, most people are idiots — but considering that Christianity is not a particularly easy religion to follow, and that most Christians are embarrassing examples of hypocritical assfaggotry, the fact that it is the industry leader is not so difficult to understand.
Christianity's track record against name-brand competitors like Islam and Hinduism and lower-priced knockoffs like Mormonism and the Jehovah's Witnesses is fearsome; its staying power against government regulators is legendary. Despite the best efforts of such people and powers as Herod, Nero, Mithras, the Gnostics, the Arians, Diocletian, the Muslim Caliphate, the Lollards, the Ottoman Empire, the Druids, the Pagans, the Albegensians, the Norse, the Shogunate, The Hussites, the Italians, the Gallicans, the Jansenists, the Rationalists, the Freemasons, Voltaire, the French Revolution, Napoleon Bonaparte, Georg Hegel, Ludwig Feuerbach, George Holyoake, Arthur Schopenhauer, John Stuart Mill, Friedrich Nietzsche, Karl Marx, Mikhail Bakunin, Charles Darwin, Thomas Henry Huxley, John Dewey, Vladmir Ilyich Lenin, Emma Goldman, Leon Trotsky, Peter Kropotkin, Josef Stalin, Adolf Hitler, Mao Zedong, Jean-Paul Sartre, Enver Hoxha, Fidel Castro, Salvador Allende, Margaret Sanger, Bertrand Russell, Ayn Rand, Madalyn Murray O'Hair, The Beatles, James Randi, Penn Jillette, Peter Singer, Marilyn Manson, Richard Dawkins, Steve Wozniak, and many others, Christianity is still #1 in $al€$ $u¢¢€$$ and growing by the year. JESUS FTW
[edit] Drama-generating Techniques
- Question the Bible.
- Ask what year Jesus was born.
- Ask how many people were at his tomb.
- Ask why a crucified criminal was put in a tomb instead of a mass grave.
- Remind them of their latent homosexuality.
- Ask why the talking snake is literal but Jesus's command to sell everything they own is metaphorical.
- Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of Einstein's views on religion.
- Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of Hitler's views on religion.
- Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of anything.
- Point out that no philosopher takes theology seriously.
- Call Christianity just another religion.
- Call Christianity a religion.
- Say that Christians are tools of the Republican Party.
- Say that Mary was a virgin only because anal didn't count back then.
- ????
- PROFIT!
[edit] Christian Videos
Present-Day Crusades
Though it is thought that the Crusades were gone long ago, these true Christians, with the help of their Holy Megaphone, are bringing it back:
Jesus is Lord of Iraq?
Baptists do no leik Stephen Colbert :(
[edit] Emails to God
| —Canadian Christfag destroying evolutionism for great justice |
| —God's response |
| —Christian Scientist, pwning logic |
| —God's response |
| —Jimmy Carr, comedian hated by Christians |
| —God's response |
| —Typical Christian, loving his neighbor |
| —God's response |
| —Concerned mother in denial. |
| —God's short & sweet reply |
| —A forum Christian in regards to a debate. |
| —God's response |
| —A typical Christian showing humility and forgiveness in the face of lulz. |
| —God's response |
| —Contrary to popular belief Christians can actually summon God at will and suck his cock in exchange for visions of the future |
| —God's response |
| — This is your proper cristian.]] |
| —God's response |
[edit] Christian Gallery
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[edit] See also
- Idiots
- Retards
- Hypocrites
- God hates fags
- Facepalm
- Fundamentalist
- John Hagee
- Rapture
- Xiao-Feng-Fury
- Chris Forcand
- Myth
- Christian Teen Forums
- Christian furry
- Danilee3240
- Lil markie
- Nghtmrchld26
[edit] External Links
- A lulzy website
- "Truthsmackin' for God". Hmmm.
- Yourgoingtohell.com
- Made by lulzy Fundies
- A Christian Terrorist group that needs to be V&
- Rejected Dreams A Christfag tartlet who hasn't been trolled yet.
- 20 Reasons to Abandon Christianity
- Homosexuality and witchcraft in schools. Oh My!
- God Hates Star Wars and Lord of the Rings!
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