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Christian

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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Jesus comes in many shapes and colors: "Awooogah! Where 'dem White women at?!"

Jesus comes in many shapes and colors: some of which scare the living fuck out of people.

A Christian is a zealous Jesus fanboy. Christians often have a sexual obsession with Jesus Christ. They are, ironically, proof that there was no Intelligent design. They will accuse YOU of hating Jesus, do you hate Jesus?

Christ fandom is one of the oldest fandoms, with a history that spans continents and centuries. To insinuate to a fundamentalist (hard-core) Christian that the Bible is poorly-written fiction will probably result in you being burnt at the stake. Christians, like furries, are often very defensive about their degeneracy. The most important day of the year for Christians is Easter-Day when, legend would have it, Jesus Christ burst forth from a giant chocolate egg to save you from your sins.

1 Beliefs
2 The Bible
3 Baptist
4 Cathlolicism
5 Fundamentalists
6 Christian Oppression
7 Christians and Jews
8 Christians and Sex
9 Christianity LJ Community
10 #1 On the Charts, #1 In Your Hearts
11 Drama-generating Techniques
12 Christian Quotes
13 Christian Videos
14 Christian Gallery
15 See also
16 External Links

[edit] Beliefs

I can't believes it!

Christian mythology revolves around a mary sue by the name of Jesus. Jesus was a Jewish carpenter who was born from a 16 year old girl (who got knocked up after she was raped by an angel), became a magician, developed a huge fetish for BDSM and became an hero for your sins. He then became a zombie and flew into space with Xenu, the alien space-god. As if this isn't ridiculous enough, Christians also believe that you must pray every day to his zombie bones to remove the thetans from your soul that were put there because a rib-woman ate an apple offered to her by a talking snake. No, srsly.

[edit] The Bible

/b/ on christianity.

The Bible is a boring space opera where ~~Xenu~~ God, a galactic tyrant, fucked everyone over who ever thought of crossing him in an effort to show them who wore the pants. God did. Despite causing certain and repeated ruination he eventually grew tired of killing off nearly all of the population of which he created because he's a nice guy. He also apparently hates fags.

All Christians are hardcore fans of the Bible and will literally stab you in the face if you do not immediately embrace their exact view of God. Christians are inherently mentally retarded and must read from the bible at all times. If you ever tell a Bible joke to a Christian they will instantly ignore you times at least 100 thousand because you're a hater, you god damn insensitive atheist. They reject basic scientific facts due to skepticism yet in a stunning twist they believe fucking everything written in any book labeled "The Bible", regardless of how unbelievable it is. Most Christians are split between the canon original (aka Old Testament) and the fanfic (aka new Testament) and there is much debate as to which version is best. However this is all futile as everyone knows that eventually Xenu will descend from the heavens, not Jesus.

[edit] Baptist

Baptist fighting monk in Level Three Serpent Style battle-mode.

An inspiration to all.

Interchangeable with Evangelicalism, Baptist is a fundamentalist cult of Christianity that is generally associated with people who pronounce "athlete" with three syllables; these people generally live in states such as Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, and South Carolina. Unfortunately, Baptists are also located all over the United States and world.

Although a roaring success as a cult, there's practically nothing which all or even most Baptists can agree on that separates them from other types of Christianity, except that yelling "I'm saved" is the coolest thing evar. Their members are often known for their fascist political leanings and tendency to be profoundly moronic rednecks. Southern Baptists also often say that anyone who consumes alcohol is going to hell, which is total bullshit since half of the Bible is all about people getting drunk and fucking. They will stop at nothing to make sure YOU aren't having the gay, except when they are, in which case it's for the good of Jesus. Despite wanting to rape and pillage every intelligent thought outside of PRAY-AH, they've some how managed to stumble into politics to troll the gays as to keep them from prancing in fields and licking lolipops. Also, most Baptists <3 Jews which is just stupid.

Baptists control fucking everything from their Jesus clad ivory towers in order to sell SALVATION and stomp angrily at whatever happens to offend them this week. They tend to alienate the entire nation by claiming AIDS, God's weapon of choice, is going to assrape everyone into loving Jesus. When not blaring their love of God on every TV, radio, and newspaper they take to PREACHIN' TO DA MASSES, this usually varies from drowning people, punching them in the face, or raping eardrums through the power of shitty music. The best preacher ever to be born is was Ted Haggard who warned people of the gay and drugged as to lead a moral and just life.

Baptist services are generally characterized as cheerful and fun. There is usually a snake-handling session with some angry rattlers, some spontaneous cancer and paralysis cures. Oddly, they think that glossolalia (speaking in tongues) is the Devil's work. WTF? A tradition that many Baptists have is to haet on Catholics because of slight differences in their Christian beliefs. They complain that Catholics don't read the Bible and are otherwise ignorant, but what they forget to mention is that only about 10% of Baptists have even graduated college. However, this still puts them way above Pentecostalists and Scientologists.

[edit] Cathlolicism

Christ comes in many forms.

Cathlolics, or "Cathyz" as they are called OL, are just as dumb as other Christians except they live in Pennsylvania and avoid modern devices such as indoor plumbing and electricity. Every year, the Cathlolic teenagers go to Rumspringa, a sort-of spiritual spring-break, where they get to commit crimes and suck cock without getting in trouble.

You can identify a Cathlolic girl by her willingness to let you stick your penis in any orifice but her vagoo. Fact: Cathlolic girls swallow cum... < remember to google that.

The organization which Cathlolics belong to (and typically know nothing about) is the Roman Cathlolic Church, located in the red light district of Rome. It was founded as the Nazi pedophile division no more than 99 years ago by Adolf Hitler himself. It quickly grew in numbers as child molesters joined the priesthood looking for a nice bit of loli. Today, it has branches all over the world and probably has one just round the corner from your home. You can drop the kids off there at any time!

[edit] Fundamentalists

A brief synopsis of fundamentalists:

“	where are the 98% that believe in God??? hmmm... i think most of us only stop at Words!!! I mean, people who don't serve a real God Fly planes into a building and blow themselves up, b/c they have that much FAITH in their gods... Yet we serve the TRUE AND ONLY GOD an we jus sit down an shut up??? don't do nothin about it???.	„
—Fundamentalist

“	'OMY!!! This totally Discusts me!!! my sister is 12!!!!! OMG!!!! I cannnot BELIEVE that this is happenin, especially in a rural area in th south!! I mean 10 years ago, you wouldn't HEAR OF THIS AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Well i ges since God isn't allowed in Schools then, out Kids can go to the devil now! Wow! I am astonished i have no idea wat to think or say!!!!! Its funny, that only 2% doesn't believe in God, yet we complain about how the World is going to hell in a hand basket, and WE STOP AT WORDS!! we don't do ne thing about it at all watsoever! I cannot believe this!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mine eye affecteth my heart!! wow!!!!!!!!!!1	„
—Fundamentalist, regarding 5th graders fucking

“	I know! There is no innocence any more Mrs Kristi! This is y it is our job as parents an older siblings to protect our childrens innocency. WHO CARES that people think we are shelterin or depriving our kids, I MEAN THEY ARE EXPOSED TO ENOUGH at Wal-Mart!!!!!!!!!!!!!! America needs to wake up before GOD WAKES IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!	„
—Fundamentalist

[edit] Christian Oppression

Because 87% of the U.S. population is being persecuted.

And hypocrites.

Christians make up around 84% of the United States, but still will always moan about how oppressed they are. They are happy to shit over everybody else's viewpoints, but if you ever dare criticize Christianity, you will be accused of being "disrespectful". Example:

Typical Christian:

'All Muslims are going to hell, because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.

All Hindus are going to hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.

All Buddhists are going to hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.

All Wiccans are going to hell because they have not accepted Jesus Christ.

All...

Guy:

'Wait a minute, how are those religions any less valid than Christianity?'

Christian:

'How dare you offend my sacred, deeply held beliefs! Stop oppressing me!'

Guy:

/facepalm

[edit] Christians and Jews

Jesus and Hitler are BFFs.

Like all good Human beings, Christians hate Jews. However, Since 1949, Christians have had a hell of'a time trying deal with their hatred of Jews and their buttfucking love of Israel.

Most theorize that Christians are able to tolerate the Jews being in Israel because the only thing they hate moar than Jews are the Muslims, turning the whole situation into a "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" sort of deal. Actually, that's an Arab proverb. Fuck Arabs and Fuck that. It's probably just that they are confident that Jesus will return when the Temple of Solomon is rebuilt and kill all the Jews. So it's a small price to pay in the long run.

[edit] Christians and Sex

Contrary to popular belief, Xtians are not against sex in any way. Catholics have always supported sex in the church, usually be sticking their holy dongs in the ass of a 13 year old boy. Some people wrongly assume that being fucked by a pedophile as a kiddie is deeply traumatizing and will scar you for life. Richard Dawkins and TheAmazingAtheist don't believe that shit either. Finally, something atheists and theists can agree on.

Protestants are the biggest advocates of buttsecks in the church. Vicars will night to find some sweet, sweet cock. Even though vicars are allowed to marry.

At least the Catholics have an excuse.

[edit] Christianity LJ Community

Christianity is moderated by jjostm, ariston, and pould. This community is the home of much drama. Past graduates have included purelily, foxmagic, and Nathan Sheets. Once upon a time, butt sex used to be the prime object of discussion, but now all "love juice" questions are directed at christianitysex. Instead, the denizens of this community now get their holy mojo risin' via hilariously pseudo-nonchalant usage of Jewish and Hebrew terms, to make themselves sound more "authentic" or what have you.

This group is especially useful for those who suspect themselves of being damned. A quick listing of your sins will result in helpful feedback indicating not only which circle of hell you will suffer in for all eternity, but whether your assigned demons will use pitchforks or cattle prods.

The group is able to offer this service through member myprophet, who has announced she is God's appointed voice on Earth. The Pope denies this, saying he is God's appointed voice on Earth. George W. Bush says they are both crazy blasphemers, and he is God's appointed voice on Earth. Attempts to settle the issue through a walk-that-water challenge have as yet been unsuccessful due to scheduling difficulties, however God is quoted as saying "Jesus fucking Christ, I don't know why I bother."

[edit] #1 On the Charts, #1 In Your Hearts

Christianity is a highly legitimate and intelligent set of beliefs.

Despite the above, Christianity is the One True Religion. By any standard — number of adherents, amount of real estate, weeks spent on the Billboard charts — Christianity is by far the #1 religion on Earth. Of course, popularity in itself does not mean Christianity is the One True Religion — after all, most people are idiots — but considering that Christianity is not a particularly easy religion to follow, and that most Christians are embarrassing examples of hypocritical assfaggotry, the fact that it is the industry leader is not so difficult to understand.

Christianity's track record against name-brand competitors like Islam and Hinduism and lower-priced knockoffs like Mormonism and the Jehovah's Witnesses is fearsome; its staying power against government regulators is legendary. Despite the best efforts of such people and powers as Herod, Nero, Mithras, the Gnostics, the Arians, Diocletian, the Muslim Caliphate, the Lollards, the Ottoman Empire, the Druids, the Pagans, the Albegensians, the Norse, the Shogunate, The Hussites, the Italians, the Gallicans, the Jansenists, the Rationalists, the Freemasons, Voltaire, the French Revolution, Napoleon Bonaparte, Georg Hegel, Ludwig Feuerbach, George Holyoake, Arthur Schopenhauer, John Stuart Mill, Friedrich Nietzsche, Karl Marx, Mikhail Bakunin, Charles Darwin, Thomas Henry Huxley, John Dewey, Vladmir Ilyich Lenin, Emma Goldman, Leon Trotsky, Peter Kropotkin, Josef Stalin, Adolf Hitler, Mao Zedong, Jean-Paul Sartre, Enver Hoxha, Fidel Castro, Salvador Allende, Margaret Sanger, Bertrand Russell, Ayn Rand, Madalyn Murray O'Hair, The Beatles, James Randi, Penn Jillette, Peter Singer, Marilyn Manson, Richard Dawkins, Steve Wozniak, and many others, Christianity is still #1 in $al€$ $u¢¢€$$ and growing by the year. JESUS FTW

[edit] Drama-generating Techniques

Question the Bible.
Ask what year Jesus was born.
Ask how many people were at his tomb.
Ask why a crucified criminal was put in a tomb instead of a mass grave.
Remind them of their latent homosexuality.
Ask why the talking snake is literal but Jesus's command to sell everything they own is metaphorical.
Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of Einstein's views on religion.
Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of Hitler's views on religion.
Give an intelligent, well-researched explanation of anything.
Point out that no philosopher takes theology seriously.
Call Christianity a religion.
Say that Christians are tools of the Republican Party.
Say that Mary was a virgin only because anal didn't count back then.

[edit] Christian Quotes

“	AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals."	„
—Jerry Falwell, PREACHIN DA' BIBLE

“	The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism, and become lesbians.	„
—Pat Robertson telling the truth

“	AIDS is a just retribution for improper sexual misconduct"	„
—Mother Teresa

“	Your claims have to be supported first. You make the claims, you support them. Otherwise, withdraw them. I mean that. MY claims ARE supported by the bible. Where there IS NO science, that counts as a lot. If you have science, now would be a good time to bring it to bear. If not, the ancient records do counts for something. Better than your nothing. And I only say that because you can offer nothing in the way of proof or evidence for the basis of your deep past claims.	„
—Christian Scientist, pwning logic

“	"If we are all God's children, then what's so special about Jesus?"	„
—Jimmy Carr, comedian hated by Christians

“	"I don’t really want to buy your site I just wanted to tell you how much of a chickenshit pussy that you are. You are too damn afraid to say anything bad about Muslims, however you rail against Christians all day because you know that we will not slit your throat as Muslims would do. I do hope, however, that someone slashes your dick off with a buckknife and sticks it down your throat so you will no longer be able to say hateful things against Christians. On second thought, you are probably gay, and already have someone else’s dick in your mouth. If that is the case I hope you get AIDS and die mother fucker! Go to hell and take red-headed faghag cunt Kathy Griffin with you. Goddamn she ia one FUGLY BITCH! I imagine her pussy smells like your ass. Have a good one queerboy."	„
—Typical Christian, loving his neighbor

“	"I am a bit troubled. I believe my son has a girlfriend, because she left a dirty magazine with men in it under his bed. My son is only 16 and I really don't think he's ready to date yet. What's worse is that he's sneaking some girl to his room behind my back. I need help, God! I want my son to stop being so secretive!"	„
—Concerned mother in denial.

“	Ok make sure you use Scripture not logic.	„
—A forum Christian in regards to a debate.

“	YOU ARE A SICK PERVERTED TWISTED PYSCOPATH! YES FYI THESE ARE BLOODY FLAMES IM SENDING YOU! WHEATHER YOU'RE CHRISTIAN OR NOT IT DOESN'T MATTER THIS STUFF IS NOT FUNNY ITS CRAP A LOAD OF CRAP AND DISGRACEFUL AND DISGUSTING YOU SHOULDNT EVEN BE ALLOWED ON FANFICTION! YOU'RE DISGUSTING GO DIE IN A HOLE. AND YOU CAN PRAY YOU DONT GET STUCK!	„
—A typical Christian showing humility and forgiveness in the face of lulz.

[edit] Christian Videos

What Christianity needs: fewer TV preachers, more ass-kicking Crusaders.

Because seeing some douchebag wearing a sign is going to make you change your religion

Present-Day Crusades
Though it is thought that the Crusades were gone long ago, these true Christians, with the help of their Holy Megaphone, are bringing it back:

Jesus is Lord of Iraq?

Baptists do no leik Stephen Colbert :(

[edit] Christian Gallery

LOLWUT

Niggas? In my church?

Your damn straight he does

Jesus always liked to bully children.

[Collapse Gallery] [Expand Gallery] 0

Baptists believe in The Rapture	Traditional Christian method of dealing with fags.	Christ shalt not protect ye from wiki vandalism.	Christ is not yours he's MIIIIINE.
Why you rape!? D:<	A good Christian	Intelligent design indeed.	That bird wasn't BAPTIZED!!
Typical Christian family values (http://legionofangels.net/forum/)	This bear was named Jesus by a child, and no one died.	FUCKEN HEALLLLLLD	Christofascist
Leon and his friends at church.	Some typical Christians, such as the one shown above, are big fans of Anonymous.	Christian youth group prayer session.