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City of Heroes

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

SHOOP DA WHOOP!

City of Heroes is an ugly, lulzy MMORPG with a game population of about 15 people, consisting of an 80 year old Chinese man in panties, your mom, and a bunch of errant /b/tards who troll everyone else. Was cool because it wasn't a run-of-the-mill Fantasy MMO, but then everyone realized it was destined to get nerfed to shit like Star Wars Galaxies and stopped playing when their free month was up. Last Thursday, the Korean open beta was launched, so the local channels in every zone are awash with Engrish-speaking farmers. Nowadays, however, the game's populace has bumped up to about 17 people, sense the release of Issue Twelve.

1 The Game (you just lost it)
2 PvP
3 Issues
4 City of Villans
5 Marvel Comics Lawsuit
6 See Also

[edit] The Game (you just lost it)

Routine CoH gameplay.

The cosplay adds 200 pounds.

There are five Origins for your character: Natural, Magic, Science, Mutant, and technology. Origin does nothing for your stats except give you a shitty themed power that you'll never use again after level 10, and they are pretty much exactly the fucking same anyway. The five Archetypes (classes) are as follows:

Blaster: This class shoops whoops and kills things with fire. At least, that's what they'd like to be doing, but they spend 90% of their playtime dead because of over-aggro. Their shitty inherent power used to require them to be 1% from dying to work, and nobody liked it because a Blaster is never 1% from dying: they are either 100% or the new wallpaper. At least 100 years later, the devs realized the players weren't just bitching, it really was a shitty inherent, and replaced it with a stacking damage buff per attack. Immediately, fans of the old inherent bitched up a shitstorm, but since that was only 2 people, life went on. The infamous Progman is a blaster.

Controller: Psychics, Weather-changers, and pet summoners. Usually played by goth chicks and furries. Mind Control totally needs a pet. They also have Defenders' heal/buff powers, with Crowd Control instead of vestigal damage, making Defenders and Tankers useless on teams with enough Controllers, but they can't kill fucking anything until they get their pet at 32.

Defender: The whiny healing buffbitch, with powers like Storm and Jean Grey, except you confer them on everyone else and don't get to be a jerk or lay down the pwnership (unless the team is 8 Defenders, in which case they buff each other to Godmode and shoop more whoop than Dr. Octagonapus). Defenders are in denial about their job as heal bitch though, and as such they are massive lolcows who are ridiculously easy to troll. Just tell them their job is to heal and nothing else for an instant nerdrage. Tell them you have a 50 emp who leaves the heal on autofire to cause a school shooting. The devs managed the feat of giving Defenders a more useless inherent than Blasters: it only works if other player are dead or dying, and instead of being an OMFGBBQ damage buff, they get a minor mana cost reduction.

Scrapper: Batman, Wolverine, and about 20 kinds of swords/martial arts powersets. Basement dwellers become Scrappers to live out their Pirate/Ninja fantasies. At least 100 retards ask for Pistol Scrappers daily, even though it is a melee DPS class. People who play Scrappers are known to "Scrapperlock", or shut their brain off while mashing their attack/target keys, and wipe the team by aggroing fucking everything.

Tanker: Supposed to be like The Hulk, but this likeness fits the Villain Brute class better in every way, leaving them an unfunny ineffectual piece of shit like Ben Grimm. The Tanker's job is to piss shit off and get their asses kicked so you don't have to. Played by control freaks who want to feel needed, even though you aren't supposed to need any class in CoH, and closet masochists. They bitch about being underpowered any time they have to think before charging into a +4 spawn.

The game takes place in Paragon City, Rhode Island (LOL WUT?). You begin the game in a low-level area known as Galaxy City, where you walk around beating up niggers and skinheads for stealing peoples' bikes. You can choose to go to Atlas Park instead, but it takes longer to get anywhere, it's the site of daily costume contests, and the average player IQ in Atlas is lower than /b/. The last point is redundant. You gain XP and lewt, and advance in level like any other MMO. The high-level area is Skyway City, where you only go if you're a n00b wanting to be an hero, or if your power level is in excess of nine thousand, where you take on gangs, The Man, otaku, maniacal supervillains, and the entire population of /b/ (the fight you absolutely cannot win).

Routine patches to the game are known as "issues," and are comic-book-themed, which means you find out shit like Batman and Robin are gay, but because there are only 10 such issues to date, you don't have to worry about rabid fanboyism and debates over whether or not certain material is canon.

[edit] PvP

Eventually the day came in which the company would give the game what the thousands of butthurt ex-WoW players begged for: PvP. The fans cried out in horror to find that their 1337 builds can only kill a bunch of brain-dead NPCs, while against another player it was the equivalent of watching paint dry, since nobody would die. After some research and fapping, a group of basement dwellers found out that certain builds could be better than others and started giving them the term 'FoTM'. Unfortunatly, everything went downhill after that since our favorite competitve players overheard the shitstorm and began to fag up another game. Instead of playing through the game, they would get their Fire/Fire Tankeror Fire/Kinetics Controller buddies to Power Level them to max level and then PvP. Watching a PvP match is like watching a bunch of monkies jump up and down and throw poop. PvEers like to go into PvP zones and not PvP, instead doing things like earning badges, role play and getting the bonus. Because PvPers actually try to do PvP in PvP zones, PvEers get butthurt and think that they are superior to PvPrs because they "play the real game", but in reality they're too dumb to do anything but fight endless waves of braindead NPCs and too scrubby to compete. Since the Developers realized that PvP was too shitty and that fixing it would require rewriting the whole game engine, they were lazy fucks and just fixed one thing at a time during every update. PvEers like to claim that PvP was responsible for all the nerfs that ever happened and that the devs spend too much time on PvP, but they just miss being overpowered.

[edit] Issues

The games updates, or if you will expansions are released in little comic-like satires known as Issues. Keeping such mentalities to all of the faggy massive MMO players to feel that a game is reaching out to them IRL. (But personally, I don't think the devs give a shit about anyone in particular). These issues release extensive story-lines, zones, player builds, and all around moar sukk.

TL;DW

[edit] City of Villans

What most CoV characters look like.

City of Villains was created when everybody remembered that comic book villains were always so much cooler than their pussy hero counterparts. CoV introduced PvP to the game so that heroes could become an heroes after getting raeped by villains. In addition, you can have a lair and keep personal hookers in them, which is way cooler than just having a gang.

[edit] Marvel Comics Lawsuit

At least 100 years ago, Marvel was feeling butthurt over the shittiness of X-Men 2, and sued NCSoft on the grounds of copyright infringement, because everyone in the game was rolling up Storm, Cyclops, Wolverine, or Professor Xavier. NCSoft and the CoH dev team were all like, "lawl, fair use," and they were the clear winnars. Marvel responded by not releasing Marvel Universe Online, which nobody plays because Windows Vista is a god-awful turdcake and only rednecks and retards play XBox Live.