Cloverfield
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Cloverfailed (Cloverfield) is a nice, short and uncomplicated little horror movie. The plot is that it is New York and there is a monster, and the remaining hour and thirteen minutes are spent happily munching popcorn and enjoying watching buildings get knocked over and promiscuous, shiny-faced yuppies getting Zerg Rushed.
Right? Wrong.
After the teaser trailers appeared in mid-2007 they were followed by the founding of numerous fake websites and Myspace accounts representing the institutions and characters from the movie. This has grown into a gigantic clusterfuck today, and the entire internet is shitting its pants and trying to pause-frame the extra footage in the special edition Amazon-only blu-ray fucking release in a rabid attempt to completely ruin for themselves a movie that they claimed to have been waiting for for a year.
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[edit] The "Plot"
Targruato, a Japanese group who are either Coca-Cola or the Church of Scientology and either they fuck up while drilling the ocean floor for soda ingredients or they attempt to bring the monster back because David Miscavige told them to. Then one of their drilling platforms gets pwnt by a terrorist group called T.I.D.O.Wave, and there's this guy called Teddy who might be working for them and keeps polluting the IRL internet with cryptic blog updates that have the whole Cloverfield circlejerk creaming their pants in glee.
What this boils down to is an EMBARASSINGLY high amount of basement dwellers all watching the movie with their right hand on the picture advance button while their left hand clicks on a hundred half-dead blogs in the tear-stained belief that if they wish hard enough they can spot an IMPORTANT PLOT CHARACTER in the background for three nanoseconds, the Tagruato logo on something or a piece of graffiti in the background that might be the password from some pretentious tarted-up publicity site pretending to be a SEKRIT GOVERNMENT ARCHIVE.
TLDR: It's Blair Witch all over again only twice as bad because everyone actually knows it's JUST A MOVIE this time and the WHOLE POINT is that you're not meant to understand what's going on.
[edit] Memorable Quotes
Cloverfield is one of those movies people will quote for years, like Pulp Fiction or Star Wars. Here are a few quotes, worthy of the Bard himself:
- "Dude, Rob, bro, what was--Dude!"
- "Oh shit, dude run, dude!"
- "MOVE MOVE MOVE!" (Also, at various times, "GO GO GO!" is fine too)
- "What is it!? WHAT IS IT!?"
- "It's a terrible thing."
An actual person reviewing the movies retartedness and in quotes:
"If you watched it on the big screen you would have gotten a headache and motion sickness. That's one of the reasons I'm so prejudiced against it. It made me want to throw up. But I agree, if they took a different angle, the whole "monster attacking New York" thing could have been modernized very nicely. Unfortunately, like you said, it had no ending. And I don't think they ever explained why the monster was attacking or where it came from in the first place, did it? (I was trying too hard not to be sick, maybe it did and I didn't notice.) But I just assumed it must have attacked for the lulz. The characters sucked and the character motivation sucked. I mean, seriously, the guy just figures out how to work a fucking camera and he's going to film the whole damn thing? C'mon, like that would happen in real life. Any person who wasn't retarded or particularly suicidal would put down the damn camera and haul ass out of there. Speaking of hauling ass out of there, why would they follow that guy to get that girl in the first place? Especially that one chick (Marlaina, I think?). She even said exclusively that she didn't really know anyone at that party so what skin is it off her nose if they want to go find some other girl? I don't know about you but I would not run around trying to save someone I don't know, who's probably already dead if a giant monster was attacking the city. I would have been long gone in one of the helicopters. But I did laugh when the camera guy got eaten. But then it ended so suddenly after that my mind was a mixture between, "Finally, now I just have to get out of this theatre without vommiting" and "Seriously? That's IT? What the hell kind of stupid ass ending is THAT? That was even dumber than the Blair Witch Project!" And it basically was the Blair Witch Project meets Godzilla meets the Anti-lulz."
Unquote.
[edit] Working Titles
- The Parasite
- Chocolate Outrage. (Some stay dry and others feel the pain.)
- Slusho!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Collosus. Not related to Shadow of. Btw, have you found the 17th colossus yet?)
[edit] The Japanese Ruin Everything
Japan has an exclusive four part manga called Kishin that gives Tagruato some backplot with all the in the intimidable restraint of the medium. Basically:
- Japanese fisherman has flashbacks of being beaten up in school
- Snap back to the present day
- Loli, tits, bondage, guys with long flowing hair and huge robes and shoulder pads
- Monster attacks Japan
Last one out turn the lights off.
[edit] Trolling Cloverfags
Cloverfags like to hang out on blogs where they engage in their favourite activities:
- Roleplaying as if the whole thing were real
- Setting each other cryptic puzzles to prove what magnificent e-detectives they all are
- Crying "HALP I NO SPEEK JAPANEEZ"
- Arguing over increasingly convoluted plot analyses
This is serious business, and all of them have poured much of their lifeforces into taking a plotline that would make Voyager's writing staff facepalm so hard that they imbedded their head in the wall behind them, along with a shitpile of teaser blogs and bad flash sites that make Doctor Who's "Vote Saxon" campaign look restrained, and crowbarring it all into sixty minutes of running and crying. For this reason, they're rather easy to troll.
- Give them some sort of cypher or password related puzzle to solve that has no solution. They'll play forever.
- Point out that the director has said in an interview that the monster dies. This will enrage them, because they ALL sat through a twelve minute long end credit roll just to hear a random sound sample at the end which is alleged to say "IT'S STILL ALIVE" When you play it backwards. We're not making this up.
- Tell them you haven't seen it because it's obviously just a rip off of Escape From New York from the screenshots
- Point out that it's only a movie
- Insist that it's an alien, or not an alien or Cthulu - SOMEONE will get pissed off that you doubt their pet theory
[edit] Related Sites
- Jamie Lascano's Myspace
- Rob Hawkins
- Lily Ford
- Beth Mcintyre
- JJ "Jason" "Hawk" Hawkins
- Marlena Diamond aka Lena Dia
- Hudson "Hud" Platt
- Slusho! It's made of alien spunk!
-
The Church Of ScientologyTagruato - The guys that blew up the Mako reactor and freed Jenova or summat, i dunno lol
- Find Brandon! (Password:jamilovesth
[edit] OMG CLOVERFIELD DID WTC!!1!!!11!oneone
O HAI DER. MINGER LADY MAKE NO SENSE.
