Chris-chan/People
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Yes, it has got fucking Sonichu on it!!!
In all the time since Christian Weston Chandler came into our lives that fateful chilly Autumn day of November 2007 here at ED, he has managed to affectionately touch a lot of us, (some more than others) by pulling many a lulz in our hearts inner psyche.
Chris somehow managed to make us forget what pathetic basement dwelling trolls each of us truly are (come on admit it!) and made us realize that no matter how worthless our sad little lives are, they're still more poignant than Mr. Weston Chandler's will ever be.
Luckily, thanks to modern technology, we have a billion miles of internets wires to protect decent society from his autistic ways. Unfortunately, the poor inbred rednecks of Ruckersville and Charlottesville, Virgina have not been so lucky.
So come with us as we meet and honor the brave few who have somehow had the misfortune to make physical contact with Christian in the last 27 years of his existence on Earth.
Contents |
Family Members
Parents
Barbara Chandler (Mother)
Barbara Anne Weston Chandler is Chris's mother, born 1 October 1941. Nickname: Snorlax.
She constantly babies and tells Chris how handsome he is. Believing that he is so irresistible to women, she also says PandaHalo will not stop kissing him once she meets him (something that will never happen as PandaHalo is now dead). She is also the mother of Cole Smithy but has no idea who the father is because she's Maury Povitch trash.
Barbara was Chris' date to his seinor [sic] prom.
She is extremely neurotic about Chris' online misadventures, while ruining the fun for trolls, does seem to indicate that she's not a total idiot.
- While having a special needs child is stressful in any marriage, rather than getting genetic counseling and family therapy to cope with raising an autistic child, they've gone the old fashioned route of expecting little to nothing of Chris and treating him as an imbecile, with a modern "victim complex" spin, his entire life. This would have worked great in the days before psychology, like when Bob was growing up, while nowadays even sufferers of Down Syndrome can lead healthy and fulfilling independent lives with supportive parenting and appropriate professional help.
- According to Chris, Barbara has not had sex with Bob for at least two decades. They have been sleeping in separate rooms for the past few years.
Bob Chandler (Father)
Full name: Robert Franklin Chandler Jr, Bob is Chris' father. born 4 September 1927. Nickname: The Internet Lumberjack.
Bob never washes his hands. This causes Chris as much, or perhaps more, stress than the slanderous trolls. Chris says he starts more arguments "than flies on a garbage dump." He also invented a control panel for plastic molding machines, and declared that Barack Obama would paint the white house black as soon as he became President. Robert's step-son, Cole, despises him and will only contemplate a family reunion once "that fuck Bob finally drops".
Despite being a racist, homophobic redneck, Bob's become a firm favorite with trolls in the CWC world recently, due to his infamous cameo in the "Chris-chan caught fapping" incident and cutting down Chris' internets.It is now known that Bob has prostate cancer.
| —Bob Chandler, on black people (actual quote) |
Siblings
David Alan Chandler
Dr. David Alan Chandler is an ophthalmologist (glorified optician) and older half-brother to Chris and son of Bob Chandler.
Very little is known about him apart from Chris had an eye exam with him on January 6, 2004 and that Chris wasn't aware that he had a daughter by the name of Savannah, making him an uncle and his parents, grand-parents.
Suffice to say, this is further evidence that the Chandler family bonds can only be described as "strained" at best.
Considering that Chris fantasizes about fucking his imaginary daughter Crystal and has in the past shown pedo tendencies, it's probably for the best that Chris remains as far away from his jailbait niece as possible.Cole Smithey
Full Name: Joseph Cole Smithey, Cole is Chris' half-brother and Barbara's first son, who despite sharing chromosomes with Chris and being raised by the same horrible mother seems to be a pretty normal guy.
Cole doesn't get along with the Chandler family and isn't on good terms with Robert or Barbara. Cole hates Bob so much, the only possibility of a touching family reunion between Chris and Cole would be as soon as "that fuck Bob finally drops".
During Cole's childhood, Barbara abused Cole along with her then-partner Jerry. Then came Bob, who made Cole rage even harder with his mean-spirited Republicanism. Based on experiences with all these men, Cole thinks that Barbara has a "proclivity to isolate herself via scurrilous mates." The translation would be: "She likes to date guys who curse a lot, and obsesses over them." The relevancy of her partners' vernacular is a little puzzling. He's probably just being sesquipedalian. What he was probably trying to say: "She tends to go clubbing with men of questionable stature".
Chris sent Cole an email asking Cole to vote for him in the PaRappa the Rapper contest he entered. In return, Chris offered to get the truth out of Barbara. Chris did ask his mother about it, but apparently she lied once again. Chris himself was more interested in the PaRappa contest than his brother's plight, showing just how self-absorbed he truly is. This resulted in Cole becoming even more bitter towards both Chris and Barbara. Suffice to say, Cole did not vote for Chris.
- Cole currently lives in New York with his wife Katherine, is a movie critic, and plays wicked guitar in a mediocrejazz band.
Carol Suzanne Chandler
Chris's half-sister and daughter of Bob Chandler.
Carol, according to Chris is a Math "Geinus"(sic) (she won the 1988 Mathematics department McShane award in Virginia).
As with all of the Chandler's loose family bonding, virtually no information exists about her bar, Bob's claim that the last time he spoke to her, she was a Government Official in D.C.Pets
Patti Chandler
Patti was Chris's childhood dog who died in 2006 of unknown, but suspicious causes. Chris brought Patti back to life in one of his comics, where she somehow gained the ability to walk, talk, and apply for welfare in CWCville.
Her soul now wanders in CWCville as she is not allowed to rest in peace.Desi Chandler
Cat number one, named after Desi Arnaz.
Not much is known about Desi other than he's fucking huge like the rest of Chris's family.
Desi is not house trained and the Chandlers freely let their cats shit all over the kitchen, which Chris on several occasions has slipped on. This adds further notion (along with Bob's refusal to wash himself and Chris' stench of sweat and piss-stained underwear) that their family is incredibly unhygienic.
Desi does enjoy quite a bit of trolling himself. He enjoys coming in whilst Chris is fapping and starts screaming his fucking head off, denying him his "comeuppance".
Scamper Chandler
Scamper Chandler, also referred to as Scampers, is the second of Chris's cat petrilogy, and is the only pussy Chrissy will ever see.
Originally confused with Desi, Scamper is a black and white coated cat (obviously).
Very little info of her exists, other than like Desi, she's also not house trained and shits everywhere.Lucy Chandler
Lucy is the third cat of the Chandlers (Note Barbara is one of those crazy old women types that keeps lots of cats).
Lucy is named after Lucille Ball, (of "I Love Lucy" fame, as it is one of Chris's favorite TV shows).
Suffice to say that Chris vastly preferred his dog as a pet to their many cats.Skittles Chandler
The fourth known cat of the Chandlers. Nothing is known of Skittles, but given the name it has it can be assumed that it is one of the Chandler's as only someone batshit crazy or over the age of 50 would name a cat Skittles.
Well, either that or Chris, being the fat cunt that he is, named it after his favorite candy, (at least "Skittles" is more dignifying for the cat than to be named after a Sonichu character).
Skittles looks like a half-dead Lynx on crack.Kitty Chandler
Other Family Members
Aunt Corrina
Aunt Corrina, (alternatively spelled "Aunt Karina" by Chris for no real reason (and also called Aunt Ocarina by the newfags on IRC)) was one of Christian's favorite aunts and was also the person the Chandlers bought their dog, Patti from.
Aunt Karina died on February 21, 2009 and was buried on February 24, 2009, thus ruining Christian's birthday as a post-mortem troll.
The day she was buried was also the Christian holiday, Shrove Tuesday (AKA "Pancake Day"). Chris cared more about eating pancakes than the funeral of his own aunt. Proving how much of an utter self-centered piece of shit he is.
This is the first stiff Chris has gotten hold of without resorting to a sex doll. (ba duum Tisch!!!)Savannah Chandler
Savannah is Chris's niece and daughter of David Alan Chandler (Chris' half-brother).
Virtually zero information of her exists other than she was eight years old as of 2004 (making her date of birth: 1996 - and current age (as of 2009) to be twelve or thirteen).
It's assumed that Chris has never met Savannah, as he has never provided any further information about her since his January 6, 2004 blog entry about him discovering that she existed.Jonathan Carey
Jonathan Carey (no relation, they're spelt differently for starters, retard!) is Chris' cousin, who was married on the last weekend of June, 2009 and lives in Red Oak, Virginia. It can be assumed Jonathan is the son of Uncle Raymond.
According to Chris in his interview with ScrewAttack Europe, his presence at the wedding is proof enough that he did not murder Billy Mays.Uncle Raymond
Friends
IRL Friends
GodBear
Leonard Bearstein aka "The Bear" and more commonly known as "GodBear" to trolls, was a jobbing English actor in a bear suit who played in the Bear Band at the Regency Square Shopping Mall during Christopher's childhood. When the young Christopher told Bearstein his name, Bearstein misheard and called him "Christian".
The young Christopher apparently interpreted this as a sign from God, and this led to his decision to change his name to Christian, which happened in late 1993. Christopher's father Bob had originally wanted to name his son Christian anyway, but pussied out.
During Liquid saga, Chris frequently used his birth name to differentiate himself from the "impostor," stating that he's the only Christian Weston Chandler who was born Christopher Weston Chandler (though Liquid made no claims to the contrary).
This name change has also apparently given him split personalities. That or he's finally gone off the deep end, but only Chris would befriend a limey-furry and change his life around because of him.Rocky Shoemaker
Rocky Shoemaker (real name: Rochelle Shoemaker) is a pastoral counsellor (actual title - "Assistant Pastor for Care Ministries") at the Wesley Memorial United Methodist Church, who advised Chris on several matters, and best described as the only IRL White Knight in Chris' life. Rocky is responsible for prematurely ending many a lulzy saga going as far back as the Miyamoto Saga. Bitch.
In the year of Our Lord 2009, Rocky brought about the end of the Ivy Era, by pushing Chris to go to the police about Ivy. This wasn't the first time she wanted to call the cops, either - Julie and PandaHalo have both incurred her wrath in the past.
The last straw came in the form of Joshua Martinez, (aka Vanessa Hudgens), who tried to swindle some money out of Chris by trading him a PSP. After that, Shoemaker made Bob Chandler and Barb contact the cops who tried to find Ivy and even managed to get a background check on her and came up with nothing, mainly as she didn't exist.
In a recent IRC Chat Chris, under the belief the the trolls did not know who he was, suggested that the trolls force him to rape Rocky. Thus proves Chris has Carnal feelings towards his church counsellor and possibly material for a future saga.
Enemies
IRL Enemies
Mary Lee Walsh
Mary Lee Walsh is the real life Dean of Student Affairs at the Piedmont Valley Community College.
In the past, Chris had been scolded by her for passing around photocopies of his Sonichu News Dash newsletter, and finally the crushing blow was delivered when Chris was loitering with his usual Boyfriend-Free-Girl-attracting signs, and Walsh tore down his sign and told him that he would never get a girlfriend this way, or ever.
Ms. Walsh has since become Chris' arch-nemesis throughout the whole Sonichu series, and he solely blames her for not having a "boyfriend-free girl". She is depicted in his comics as a bald old woman with a viking hat, a pitchfork, a scepter which contains her evil powers, and occasionally a flying broomstick. At her disposal is a battalion of jerkops who she has parade around Virginia, ruining all relationships. It is also made evident that she has outlawed love and has a personal vendetta against Chris and his hedgehog-pokemon pals.Joshua Martinez
Joshua Martinez was a friend that carpooled to James Madison University (note - best. college. ever.) for special education with Christian (Although they may have met at a church function), they hung out after school in Harrisonburg, there they would eat at a restaurant called "Country Cookin'" and mull around an abandoned airplane. Josh claims to have cousins in a fairly popular band, this is the supposed facet for meeting the likes of Jessica Alba, Britney Spears, Jessica Biel, Megan Fox, and Jessica Simpson.
Long before BlueSpike appeared, Joshua was the first troll to pretend to be a woman to fuck with Chris. He faked a hookup with a girl named Lori Lopez, chatted with Chris as her and sent him supposed photos of her. These images were actually of Vanessa Hudgens. The truly hilarious part of this is he closes communication as her by confiding her love for Josh to Chris. Eventually Chris discovers that he was trolled, and (as he does about everything that happens to him) writes about it in his comic.
After Chris discovered he was a lolcow, he tried diverting attention from himself to Joshua by getting trolls to attack him. Of course, no one obliged.
In early 2009, Josh served as a sort of Eastern front for the trolling war on Chris, as he impersonated pop star Vanessa Hudgens of "High School Musical" fame.
- The trolling culminated in Josh attempting to sell a special PSP to Chris for "Vanessa", yet trolls started to suspect that Josh was doing so for personal gain and not for the lulz. Furthermore, involvements with Vanessa were interfering with the success of Ivy, not to mention Josh isn't exactly too bright either and trolls aborted the operation. Josh's involvement ended with Chris canceling the check as instructed by Ivy, yet Chris refused to return the PSP because "Vanessa would be upset." It was retard vs. retard. Place your bets.
- Josh has since stopped talking to Chris.
- Joshua currently works as a "gofer" at ProBuild in Charlottesville, Virginia. Much like Chris, he is also perusing a career in the art field with works that look like Vincent Van Gogh compared to Chris' shit. Much unlike Chris, he has a daily jogging and weightlifting regimen. (I.E. Isn't a fatass). (I.E. is still retarded)
Wes Iseli
Wesley Iseli (referred to by Chris as the "Magician Jerk") is an illusionist, warlock and owner of entertainment agency Party Magic, based in Ruckersville, Virginia. He was a schoolmate of Chris's, and dated Sarah Hammer, Chris' long-time female friend. On one occasion Chris saw Sarah sitting in Wes's lap, which made Chris visibly jealous; this incident was important enough (to Chris, anyway) to document in his comics, earning Wes a place as electric hedgehog Pokemon villain WesLi Sonichu.
Chris regards losing Sarah to Wes to be the beginning of his Love Quest, and blames Wes for all the misfortunes that have befallen him thereafter, notably the incident where he was manhandled by the Jerkops of the Fashion Square Mall.The GAMe PLACe Staff
responsible for the infamous Chris-chan photo,
Sadly all kudos he had from said photograph has now been lost now we know he's a fat, four-eyed weeaboo.
AKA Michael Snyder (Schneider), Daniel "Mimms" and Lucas. Chris became enemies of the staff members of the game place after he suspected that one of them was responsible for the infamous ED photo. Mimms was the first target, and was subjected to an interrogation of sorts when Chris's ancient parents barged into the store throwing around terrible logic and lawsuit threats. After an understanding was reached (read: being ejected from the store by management), Mimms was declared innocent and sights were set on Lucas. See the e-mails for details on Chris's incredible sleuthing skills. It all ended in a "confrontation" at the Smash Bros. Brawl release tournament at the GameStop in Hollymead.
- Chris once argued with a huge black guy named TJ who used to frequent the shop. Obviously, Chris was in the wrong. When they started talking about how Chris would never get laid, Chris yelled, "I'm going to smack your effing face down!" As TJ stood up like he was going to beat Chris's ass, Chris shrunk and whimpered, "I mean your face down monster...". This story was later verified by Mimms.
- Christian decided for the subtle approach to indicate he knew Lucas was responsible with the now infamous CWC-ism: "Well, that's something new you didn't know about 'be-4' about this 'Chan'." Please note: Chris's definition of subtlety is the equivalent of smashing someone in the face with a brick.
- He got his fat high functioning autistic ass permanently b& by Michael from the store a few months later, after going behind the store counter and arguing with children.
Jason Kendrick Howell
Jason Kendrick Howell is the the presumed creator of the original Encyclopedia Dramatica page (not this one, I UncleBastard am responsible for this one!!!). Made Christian angry and wanted to call the police on him for him having sex with an underage girl. He never did have that underage sex, and was threatened by Chris with the infamous threat "I'LL BREAK YOU DEAD!" and then he got faceraped to death by Rosechu. Also, Chris thinks Jason=moot and that 4chan (or "4-Cent Garbage" in asspie speak) is a huge building. With pictures on every floor. Big pictures.
Two years after starting the page, he was interviewed here.
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Adam Stackhouse
Adam Stackhouse was the eventual winner of the infamous "Parappa the Rapper PSP Contest" that Christian felt he himself should have won and has thus harbored a grudge against Stackhouse ever since.
In order to win, Chris had orchestrated a mass spamming of votes via dummy sockpuppet accounts, so that he would not only win a PSP for his then love interest Megan, but also claim the prize of an all expenses paid trip for two to the 2007 Penny Arcade Expo, which he had hoped to also bring Megan on and eventually make love to her in their shared hotel room, losing his "virgin with rage" moniker once and for all.
Thus, Adam had inadvertently cock blocked Chris, by simply being more talented.
In a huge display of hypocrisy, Christian wanted to get back at Adam for cheating (as he used more than one person in the video, and used music in the background, Which didn't count as it was beatboxing he did himself), despite the fact that not only had he also cheated by registering some ungodly number of fake accounts to win but also blackmail his brother to vote as well.
- Chris-chan's Failing entry to the contest... WARNING: This video will make you autistic.
Jerkops/Manajerks
Marcus Baggett
Police Officer Marcus Baggett Daggett works for the Albemarle County Police Department, and is the "Jerkop of all Jerkops" who arrested Chris at the Target. Not much is known about his personal life, but we do know he was commended by the local House of Delegates for his selfless commitment to public safety after stepping down from his squad car to rescue two people from a smoking restaurant, shortly before it erupted into flames.
Naturally, despite his brave heroism, Chris goes to great lengths to demonize him.
Chris also finds his surname highly amusing, as it sounds a bit like "faggot" to him.
Again, as with Mary Lee Walsh, "Baggett" has appeared in Chris' Sonichu series as an enemy trying to stop him getting his ONE and TRUE love.ScotPalazzo
ScotPalazzo is the only man on the planet to spell his first and last name without using a space.
ScotPalazzo was the first Manajerk Chris had encountered, ScotPalazzo was based upon the manager of the Fashion Square Mall, re-christened the Fa-Square of Sho-Mall Region in Sonichu #4.
Chris's experiences in Fashion Square Mall were documented earlier in the series when he battled the Jerkhief and got trolled hard by Hanna, but Scotpalazzo himself would not be introduced until Sub-Episode 6, when he expressed envy for Chris and his made-up TV show "CWC's Backyard Safari". Scott was clearly redesigned to resemble Lord Il Palazzo from Excel Saga, and depicted as a jaded misanthrope who blamed love for his mother's murder-suicide.Sweethearts/Gal Pals
IRL Gal Pals
Megan Schroeder
Megan Schroeder is the poor schmoe cursed with the abundance of witnessing Chris's wrath first hand.
A typical truly boyfriend-free girl, with a few eccentricities that Chris-Chan was more than happy to copy and fulfill, namely her like for My Little Pony, Sailor Moon, along with the subtle furfag tendencies. Another thing to note is she also had a fondness for drawing Sonic and Sailor Moon templates and coloring them in as Pokemon.
Her brother John (whilst little information of him is known) appears to be retarded, this may explain why she was able to put up with Christian for as long as she did.
Megan is now out of the picture after Chris uploaded his infamous drawings of him finger banging her on ED.
READ MOAR ABOUT THE MEGAN SAGA HERE.Sarah Hammer
Sarah Hammer (born October 13, 1982) was a childhood gal pal of Christian from age two until Christian moved away when they were both approximately ten years old. Chris met Sarah again when he entered PVCC. By 2005 Chris had come to regard her as his best and closest friend, although Chris seems to suggest that he hasn't had much contact with her as compared to childhood.
Chris continues to cherish many important memories with Sarah, such as riding swing sets and playing hide and seek. Once Sarah tried to teach Chris to roller-skate, but Chris fell down and BAWWWWled.
Chris and Sarah were the same age and may have attended the same elementary school, but Chris moved to Richmond to attend middle school. For most normal people this would probably be the end of the relationship.
Chris has suggested that he did not originally view Sarah as a potential sweetheart; this decision apparently came later.
Sarah later went on to date Wes Iseli, hence Chris's grudge against Wes. Chris now believes that she is married to a William Spicer.Anna McLerran
Anna McLerran (born July 30, 1985) met Chris through her job at the Pac Sun in the Fashion Square Mall. Chris has a tendency to pace in the store-front of various stores. The events occurring shortly after he decided to stop annoying the employees at Abercrombie & Fitch and start annoying the employees at the Pac Sun were what inspired her short story "The Tale of the Crazy Pacer" about an overweight man-child who speaks to himself, solicits girls with an oversized billboard, while wearing a "yellow Sonic" medallion and piss-stained jeans.
She currently resides in Salt Lake City, Utah, far from Chris, working as a Shipping Manager for the Family First Foundation and going to LDS Business school trying to get some bullshit Executive Assistant degree. Due to her good relationship with the trolls, she's also a priceless asset for them.
Anna has announced plans to write a book encompassing the life and failure of Chris-chan. We wish her all the best on her project.
She is a mormon so is required to be nice to everyone including Chris so she will never be an effective troll despite plenty of opportunity.Kellie Andes
Chris's crush in high school. She rejected him like any normal woman would. Kellie Made a brief cameo in Issue 7.
For her 18th birthday, Chris made her...a Sonichu sweater! (seen in pic).
She is also possibly the inspiration for "Kel" in the Sonichu comics.Internet Gal Pals
Blanca Weiss
PandaHalo
PandaHalo is Chris's current official EX-TRUE and HONEST sweetheart. Lives LIVED in South-Australia. Definitely not A TROLL.
She is carrying Clyde Cash's child which Chris has promised to look after as his own. He also sent PandaHalo a PSP that was originally intended for Megan.
Chris has now convinced himself that PandaHalo died in the 2009 Victorian bushfires, even though she lives over 1,000 kilometers away in South Australia.Kimmi (Julaaay!)
Full name: Kimmi the Anime Love Doll, Chris has a reputation of dumping girls at a whim, but on the 20th of February, the entire Sonichu community was shocked and appalled when they learned the news that Chris had cheated on his only ONE and TRUE love, Officer Nasty for some Asian slut by the name of Kimmi.
The shocking events were uncovered due to the leaking of the infamous CWCikigate video a video so shocking, it made the Paris Hilton sex tapes look like something that would be shown on the Disney channel.
Needless to say, Kimmi also noticed Chris's womanizing traits straight away when he constantly referred to her as Julay.Ivy
A former sweetheart who Chris insisted was not a troll. Aside from the known facts about Ivy, such as being an Irish ginger with a pair of pet hermit crabs and a Police Chief (ethnic stereotype?) dad who resembled Coach McGuirk, she was mostly an enigma. She was assumed to be a clone of Blanca, or maybe an attempt to troll the trolls by making up a fake girlfriend. Some say Kimmi was actually Ivy and that the picklesuit-men had finally broken Chris's mind, but those people are wrong because Chris was always a mindless fuck.
CWC first mentions Ivy during a vlog entitled "Update" that is, for the time being, missing from the internets.
| —Sincerely Christian Weston Chandler |
CWC's videos put the very existence of Ivy into doubt. It is very possible that Chris had finally gone off the deep end and believed his sex-doll to be a girl named "Ivy". [2]Though we, as loyal viewers, were very fearful that we might have to bear yet another sex-doll video while he and Ivy consummated their relationship, Chris decided to instead fuck up the very meaningful internet relationship he had with Ivy by cybercheating on her with "Vanessa." [3]Thankfully for Chris (and for our lulz) it appeared as though his inflatable Ivy eventually forgave him, as he soon proceeded take his non-relationship to the next step. [4]
However, the honeymoon of happiness was cut short after Christian announced to ED that he had worked out the truth about Ivy, finally accepting the ginger bitch was just a troll.
| —Chris-chan's comment on his talk page |
We still fully expect the video of Chris-Chan singing "I Will Survive" to be up soon.
Chris's dad convinced him that Ivy was a troll, but later on trolls convinced him that Ivy was real and she killed herself. Now Chris has nightmares about it, like you will have nightmares when you see this picture Chris drew of himself and Ivy (above).
It should be noted that Ivy was, arguably, the most “important” sweetheart Chris has ever had. Chris seemed to have harbored a certain fascination with her not yet replicated with any of his other gal-pals. In addition to having her appear in nearly every comic he drew from March to mid May of 2009, he made a series of disturbing videos addressed to her wherein he assumed a patronizing, creepy tone of affection and attempted to sing while declaring his love for her, like this one. It remains unclear why Ivy became the most memorable of his many failed love affairs, and to date, no particular individual has come forward and accepted responsibility for her short existence.
Troll's remorse, much?
Kacey
A few weeks after The Real Chris Chan reappeared, he made a video stating that his fiancee, Kacey, had apparently been consorting with the impostor, Ian Brandon Anderson, in his absence. He claimed that Kacey confessed to have fallen in love with the greasy, racist, sexist, autistic, virgin man-child, or at least had been close to doing so. Impostor Chris, having realized that this was the closest he had ever been in the whole of his twenty-seven years to having a real, tangible girlfriend immediately began to make videos begging Kacey to leave the Real Chris Chan and date him. According to Impostor Chris' diatribe during his many pleas for Kacey's love, he is of the mind that it is only 50% of Kacey's choice as to who she's with, the other half being his.
If impostor Chris' intention was to make himself more unappealing, blatantly attempting to steal another man's fiancee was definitely the way to go. However, the only real relevance this held to the captivated audience of Chris vs. Chris, was the possibility of another singing duel to the death over the love of a woman. It seemed possible that while the two foes battled it out, Kacey would lose interest and decide to date the ghost of Clyde Cash.
Also, one item of interest that has continued to gain more notoriety on YouTube, is a phone recording between Impostor Chris and Kacey. After listening to the conversation for less than a minute, it becomes clear that Kacey is under the impression she is speaking to the brown-shirted-and far-superior- Chris Chan. Impostor Chris makes no effort to correct her and navigates through the course of the conversation, and Kacey's questions that only the TRUE and HONEST CWC would know the answers to, less than gracefully. This proves that Kacey is, perhaps, not at all aware there is a second Chris and simply believes that whenever the Impostor attempts to speak with her, it's her true love, causing epic confusion between all parties involved.
It also proves that Ian Brandon Anderson is the opposite of TRUE and HONEST and is not to be trusted.
But to the loyal viewers of this epic saga who are well aware of Impostor Chris' past antics, a revealing phone conversation wasn't necessary evidence.
Sometime last Thursday, another phone conversation between Ian, Kacey, and later, Real Chris, surfaced on YouTube. Though the conversation runs on for close to an hour, the basic gist is that Kacey is pissed about Ian's latest installment to the comic of fail in which he is depicted shooting Real Chris. Having finally realized that Ian is a sick fuck with no shame or conscience, Kacey tells him to get bent and agrees to marry the Real Chris.
Ian uploaded a grand total of one video in which he pretends to baaaw about losing his "true sweetheart", Kacey. Really, he's just butthurt for getting cock-blocked by Chris, because the next two videos he proceeded to upload (starting two days after) show him to be in a state of complete contentment and ignorance of Kacey's existence.
So, assuming that phone conversation was the end of the Kacey/Ian/Chris love triangle, it now probably qualifies as one of the most anti-climactic and disappointing of all Ian's attempts at true love. However, it is a well-known fact by trolls and seasoned "CWC" audience members alike that no lady can escape the wrath of Ian unless she reveals herself to be a 13-year-old sock puppet controlled by Clyde Cash or stages her own death. Given that Kacey has done neither, it is likely that Ian will begin a second pursuit before too long, which means it might only be a matter of days before he debuts his second blow-up doll sex tape entitled, "KAYYCCAAAYY!".
Trolls
Hanna
The original troll of CWC.
Hanna is notable for smashing Chris's heart down to 15% after a "dare" she made with her colleagues to go on a "mini date" with Chris. Little is known about Hanna except that she work(ed)s at the Starbucks in Fashion Square Mall and likes Chuck "Paladuck".
Chris's run-in with Hanna was memorably told in Chris's comic of Subepisode 2 "The Rise & Fall Of My Heart".Jimmy Hill
James William Thomas Hill OBE (or "Jimmy" Hill as he's affectionately called by his millions of Sonichu fans) is an 80-year-old Ex-English football (Soccer) player and BBC sports commentator who also IS the TRUE and ORIGINAL creator of Sonichu, and has copyrighted Sonichu and related characters (as well as gained animation rights) in Europe and Japan, because of imitators stealing his creation.
Jimmy is currently in talks about producing a Sonichu game for the Xbox (never on PS3) in Europe and Japan. The Sonichu animated (anime) series which is currently the top animated show in many European countries and is the first cartoon to have an openly gay character.
Since BILLY MAYS, the right honourable mayor of CWCville, passed away in more than suspicious circumstances sometime last thursday, Jimmy Hill has taken over the possition of mayor. Much to the annoyance of Chris who was hellbent on taking dictatorship over the city.
He also responsible for making the world "Think Bike"...On July 2009, he announced on his website that he had retired and passed on the flame to The REAL Chris-chan.
Robert Simmons V
Robert Simmons V was an anti-troll that befriended Christian Weston Chandler on JewTube. He put on his act copying down aspie traits pat, with a Sonichu medallion of his own, talked in a loud monotone, liked Sailor Moon (and very kindly wished that CWC would also have Sailor Moon for a daughter), and performed a song he wrote for Chris, complete with a sequence in which he heroically smote the Death ED and Robotnikjerks.
The events that took place in Bob's life also coincided with Christian's life, from account hacking, to getting the medallion taken. Bob seems to have a slightly disturbing relationship with his sinister cousin Andrew Simmons I, who is not a good actor, that seems to parallel Chris' own Fem-dom/Male-sub kink.
Robert Simmons V has also appeared in Sonichu #7 in the radio interview with Jiggliami.
On February 21, 2009, Bob had taken down all of his videos and eventually closed his account from his disgust of Chris.
But Bob made one final appearance on the trolling scene by traveling to Ruckersville and meeting Chris and his father at the their church.Man in the Pickle Suit
Arch-Nemesis of Chris-Chan whom he blames whenever he is tricked or conned.
Chris actually believes this is a real person. Since he also believes said negro is after him and behind all the recent trollings, basically anyone can become the Pickle Suit Man. As such, The Man in the Pickle Suit has now become the figure most Trolls anonymize as.
Lordsillynipples (a troll) wants people to believe he is "the one true creator of the pickle negro". After posing as Blanca Weiss to troll CWC in early August 2008, Silly failed to make Chris believe that Blanca was indeed a black transvestite in a pickle costume. Regardless; ever since then, Chris fears the picklepeople.Clyde Cash
Clyde Cash is the older brother of suicide victim, Ryan Cash who decided to take vengeance against Chris after his brother killed himself when Chris refused to make further Sonichu comics.
His first act of trolling was to tell Chris that he raped PandaHalo, but being the self-centered shit that Chris is, had no affect on Mr. Chandler as he simply moved onto the next gal-pal.
Clyde then stalked Julie and began throwing demands to Chris such as cleaning his room. In the end, it was revealed that Julie had been a 13 year old boy and that Clyde staged the whole thing.
He posed as Gregg Mays (a web designer working for Nintendo) to gain access to Sonichu.net. As ransom, he told Chris to make a video proclaiming he was gay only to be refuted. He then told him to make a video declaring his straightness. Eventually, Chris regained access to the site. Striking again, he worked with a troll and got rid of the domain. Chris, being resilient, bought Sonichu.info. With the help of PandaHalo, Clyde managed to gain access. Then, still being resilient, Chris bought SonichuandRosechu.com. With the help of Julie, Clyde managed to gain access yet again.
Clyde Cash was found dead on May 23, 2009. He was found in his apartment in a pool in blood. Suicide seems plausible, however Chris had made a lot of videotaped death threats shortly before Clyde died. So just like with the murder of David Carradine, foul play may not be ruled out for Clyde's death. Goodnight sweet prince. :'(
Despite his death, many of Clyde's accounts continued to be used and there are signs that his spirit is not at rest.
One indication of a possible poltergeist situation is the fact that Chris continues to acknowledge harassment from Clyde and has even invited him, as of October 14th, 2009, to Ruckersville to settle the endless discord once and for all. There is little that can explain this mind boggling phenomena, unless Chris' delusion has finally taken over his mind completely, or that Clyde's spirit has, as mentioned, managed to troll beyond the grave.
BlueSpike
BlueSpike (aka LeonSpike) is a 13 year old boy ("a 13 year old brat" according to Chris) who trolled Chris through two identities, one of which was a new "sweetheart". He trolled Chris under two aliases, first "Julie" and later her so-called brother "Max".
On March 3, 2009, he revealed he was both Julie and Max.
On March 5, 2009, a whole troll war on ED broke out with split decisions on BlueSpike's actions with Chris. Had he gone too far and broke the law, or was he himself being used as bait to troll Chris from Clyde Cash?
The trolling did produce lulz such as Chris admitting he tried the anal beads and the butt-dildo, the sex tape where he fucks the blowup doll, how some gay people made a float dedicated to Chris in college, how Chris hates everything that isn't Aryan, and other stuff. However, the fact is most of the trolling involved BlueSpike having phone sex with Chris for hours each night, disgustingly listening to the guy fap. As BlueSpike was completely in control of Chris, he could have done something else, but night after night he engaged in nothing but noisy phone sex and listened to Chris very loudly jack off. Draw your own conclusions about BlueSpike's sexuality.Emily
Emily (AKA Agent 99) is Chris's one-time sweetheart whom he went on a date with. The date memorably ended in disaster when he was trolled IRL by the Man in the Pickle Suit - literally, a man in a pickle suit.
In March 2009, shortly after Julie turned out to be a 13 year old boy, Chris vowed that he would return to his real life exploits of stalking women in public places in order to gain his sweetheart. Emily, a journalism student and head of the Sonichu Girls Fan Club chapter at West Virginia University (and totally not a troll), decided to take Chris up on his offer and asked if he'd liked to go out to lunch sometime.
Chris actually stood up Emily the first time because he was so stressed from his parents arguing if she was real or not. Bob believed that Emily was sincere and truly wanted to meet Chris while Barb was more suspicious. Chris's small mind could not handle two simultaneous arguments and so he crashed into slumber. Emily was pissed off about this and demanded that Chris reschedule. Chris agreed and a new date was met.
Chris did meet up for the date, except he brought his 81 year old father, Bob Chandler along. Yes, he brought his dad on his first date (at least it wasn't his mother though).
- Emily can be commended for this troll in that she was kinky enough to put a microphone inside her thong panties to record Chris and Bob. If the microphone were to fall out of said panties she would just claim that it was a vibrator.
Vivitheg
Vivitheg AKA Vivian Gee is the fat chink that created the Sonichu audiobooks and other Chris-related videos. She is also cousin to Clyde Cash. Vivian once talked to Chris for three hours for him to get help with no success; in her words, talking some damn sense into Chris is "like fighting a wall".
Ironically, the hambeast is probably Chris's only serious internet 'friend'. While that might be taking it a little far, she has tried to genuinely help him, perhaps out of empathy for a fellow fat aspie. However, despite all the warnings of eminent doom, Chris ignored her regularly, and proceeded to fail spectacularly. Vivian has apparently toned down the white knight antics, and has realized Chris is a retard who "cannot improve". Over the months, Vivian sent multiple emails to Chris, Most simply saying "JESUS STOP BEING A FUCKTARD" and giving advice.
Chris wasn't interested until it involved his internets gal-pals or Sonichu.
Vivian also created the story "A Girl who Brought Down the World", a story that answers the question: what would happen if CWCVille became true?
- Vivian's shenanigans has caused epin butthurt to Chris. It can be inferred from Chris's latest two videos (as of September 4, 2009) that Vivian may become his next victim if she refuses to close her account and delete "EVERY. LAST. ONE." of her videos. If she does not comply, one could possibly expect a fate not too dissimilar from that of Clyde Cash, BILLY MAYS, or the Real Chris Chan.
"Christian Weston Chandler"
AKA CChanSonichuCWC, The REAL Chris-chan, "the brown shirted imposter". In July 2009, Chris opened a new JewTube channel under the name IBAChandler (after he was banned on his old account) and tried to change his look and image. Suddenly, a new slimmer, doppelgänger of our autistic friend appeared on the scene. Chris was dismayed someone had the audacity to claim he was the real version of him and so went on a campaign of multiple videos showing evidence that he was the real Chris-chan, culminating in a music video battle between the two. In August 2009, the brown shirted Chris departed for a job for Microsoft to develop a Sonichu game for the Xbox 360 and was promptly kidnapped shortly afterwords by Chris. He wasn't seen or heard from for two months following the disappearance and because no body was ever discovered, many presumed the corpse had been eaten.
As of October 15th, 2009, however, Real Chris had posted a new video revealing him to be alive, well, but scarred beyond measure. He exposed to the world the atrocities Ian Brandon Anderson had inflicted upon him, which included groping him at the bus stop on his way to Redmond, kidnapping him, force-feeding him more drugs than Chris ever knew existed, sodomizing him, and then leaving him out in the Sahara desert with a bleeding anus to be discovered by "Aladdin" people.
Our hero has promised that Ian Anderson's attempt to thwart him was in vain, as he is now the official owner of the Sonichu name and will continue to pursue his job offer in Redmond,WA, as well as marry his sweetheart, Kacey.
Even in the face of recent opposition from Ian, namely, attempting to steal Kacey away along with Chris' identity, our hero has stood brave and unyielding. As of October 28th, 2009, Clyde Cash and Jack Thaddeus have joined forces with Chris to bring about the downfall of the impostor. Rumor has it there is a growing opposition in CWCville against the totalitarian, masquerading dictaor and that a revolution to put Russia to shame is nigh. It is probable that the True and Honest CWC is leading this coup alongside Richard Karn, the true, democratic mayor of CWCville.
See Also
- Chris-chan - The TRUE and ORIGINAL Chris-chan ED page.
- Chris-chan/Places - Areas devastated in the wake of Mr. Weston Chandler.
