Colorado
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Colorado, founded last Thursday by John Elway, is a large rectagular state, bordered on all sides by other large rectangular states with similar boring features. These include Wyoming, which is what Colorado would be with no people, more buffalo, and even less fun. There is also Utah, which is infested with Mormons, and is what Colorado would look like with anorexia, a large square tumor, and no niggers. There's also Kansas. Colorado is essentially the only worthwhile state worth half a shit west of the Mississippi and east of California and the Pacific Northwest, if only by default.
Most widely known to outsiders for South Park, home of the nigger Kobe Bryant, the lulz of Columbine, and JonBenet Ramsey, Colorado is a large barren state where it is winter most of the year and do little precipitation falls the ski resorts often have to make their own snow.
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Demographics
Colorado is home to a wide variety of people. Whites, azns, niggers, and whites who think they're niggers. Oh, and the Mexicans, lots of mexicans, the only so-called people who seem to be able to find a job in the economic shithole that is Metro Denver, due to their willingness to do the cheap jobs no one else has the dignity to lower themselves to.
The whites sent by the imperial American government were, in fact, the last to arrive, preferring to slaughter and/or exploit the Indians that inhabited Colorado lands first, then mining the mountains for all their worth. Citing the "simplur laf" of the easy-going Colorado and tight mountain goat ass of the simple, humble towns of Colorado, they flocked in droves to the Front Range, to rape the state of everything good and decent about it, before settling down as your standard "I'm the Boss" t-shirt with the stupid duck-wearing, trailer-dwelling white trash who believe it's acceptable to listen to ICP past the age of sixteen and give birth to roughly thirty half-nigger babies.
Yet another subset is the sandals and shorts-wearing, granola-crunching, weekend mountain bike-riding faggots who listens to new jam bands like Phish, while parading green, Earth-friendly causes. They still drive gas-sucking SUVs because they're so essential to Coloradan life, or so they may say. (Colorado's real state car is the Subaru) A fucking lot of these pieces of shit are transplants who can't drive and can easily be recognized by their California license plates and are, in fact, Colorado's very own form of cancer.
Denver
The capital of Colorado due to its central location. It's the only alive and decent place in the state, serving as hub of the I-76 Corridor, but is quickly succumbing to AIDS. Due to the sprawl of its suburban neighbors, the increasing number of gangs, population, house prices, and the omnipresent brown cloud hovering over the city, it's much like any other metropolitan blight. The city is largely decent, except for the north eastern part of the county and south east, which also incorporates places like Commerce City and Aurora, two suburbs which do nothing to help Denver's image and should be walled in and quarantined. Naturally, Commerce City is a conglomerate of a number of failed cities and is home to an oil refinery, an abandoned military and nuclear weapons site, the industrial working class, white trash, and wiggers. Oh, and stay out of Colfax avenue, less you wan' get raped, white wimminz.
Denver has like, three colleges that anyone's even heard of. Denver University, which is a private school that houses mostly rich, self-righteous and nauseatingly overachieving white kids. You know, the kinds of kids who've never worked a day in their life, got straight A's solely because they knew how to bribe the teachers and bullshit their way through essays, got drunk at 12:30 in the afternoon because they have nothing better to do throughout high school and made a point to throw it in everyone's face during the economic repression their senior year by saying, "Psshhht, fuck you guys. I don't need a scholarship. My PARENTS are paying for everything because we still have money." You know, the kinds of kids that deserve to have their eyes gauged out with rusty knives, their nads strung up with electrical cords, their bodies then lowered into vats of nuclear waste, then run over by cement mixers and then have their remains thrown into an active volcano, just so that their piece of shit parents won't even be able to hold an open casket ceremony for the worthless, self-righteous bastard children that they so selfishly refused to abort.
Boulder
Boulder is known for its traffic, hippies, goddamn bike riders, self-righteous college students, and complacent residents (whom have been known to murder their beauty queen prepubescent daughters. Boulder is also home to the ultra rare "liberal douche" redneck. These "intellectuals" have read a Newsweek and heard a Bob Dylan song at some point in their life. These accomplishments set them above most Coloratards, and they enjoy flaunting their superior intelligence. When not wearing flannel vests and hiking boots while drinking micro brew, these supermen are protesting the hiring of additional police to catch a child rapist and killer because of the extra penny it would cost each resident in taxes.
Boulder is home to Colorado University, which every other Coloradan who doesn't attend the shit hole collectively hates. This college is a festering breeding ground for dirty hippies, rapists, psychopathic murderers, alcoholic sorority bitches, preachy and pretentious professors and just all-around fucktardedness. Not a day goes by that this university isn't receiving media attention for alcohol poisoning-related deaths, murder, swine flu outbreaks and professors just generally being unbelievable assholes and going to extreme lengths to get their positions back. Their football team, the Buffaloes, suck balls and are regularly, violently assraped by the CSU Rams. This University is the epitome of shit and would fit in more appropriately in the slums of Detroit as opposed to the hippie-spawning city of Boulder.
In Boulder, every resident has declared himself as "more special-er than thou" due to the omnipotent Gospel of Wealth. At least 100 percent of a Boulderite's body is entirely covered in hair Barack Obama's semen. Unfortunately, the microscopic boulderite penis size does not allow a Boulderite to procreate successfully, which explains the abnormal rates of adoption from Taiwan, Singapore, or any other Asian country that gives away children. A Boulder resident is most likely a self-righteous fucktard whose penis swells every time he hears "9/11 was a lie!". Jello Biafra, being a self-proclaimed anarchist, is originally from Boulder, then moved to California, thus making him a Super-Saiyan IV leftard.
Boulder is an independent city of unbridled, mindless liberalism in a sea of Colorado idiotic, bible-raping conservatism, which prevents anything from getting done. Education is very limited because nobody in Boulder can listen to a viewpoint that is not doused in unwarranted self-importance. Because Boulderite parents are too busy rock-climbing, bear "wrestling", or having massive hippy orgies to give their kids good examples, Boulder gave birth to the parenting theory that if you whisper to the kids in their ears to behave, they will automatically understand and do what you say. Also, the theory focuses on giving the kids exactly what they want so that they won't throw a shit fit. This is why in 2007, a boy was able to stockpile sniper rifles and AK-47s in his bedroom.
Because nobody in Boulder has social skills, most children in the area are homeschooled. A typical school day consists of masturbation, kumbaya circles, and award ceremonies, where children are presented with "special" prizes for doing absolutely nothing. Anyone who accomplishes anything in Boulder is silenced and sent to a cage surrounded by angry middle-aged hippies who blame them for their children's' lack of self-esteem and addictions to Russian porn.
Boulder is built on a Quartz crystal deposit, leaving everyone there batshit insane. Boulder is known a "spiritual" hot-bed for self-congratulatory nut-jobs who all say they love everyone but proceed to swear and threaten the guy who takes too long to order at the nearest Hippie Starbucks. Hypocrisy is only to be expected in the Boulderite culture, as is "I Iz Speshaler than u" retardation.
Pearl Street (overpriced shit land) is the home of 95% of Bouloduderite hippies. The other 5% live in recycling bins. They hope to "encourage" (pressure/threaten) the lower to middle-class Coloradans to pay more money that they don't have to recycle every bit of waste they produce.
Fort Collins
Fort Collins is known for it's old people, extremely unpleasant weather, date raping frat boys and over 9000 beer breweries. It is also home to Colorado State University, a school for hippies and fat pre-vet students who want to pet pretty ponies. I'm sorry, I think you were referring to Colorado University? The football team, the Rams, loses to the School for the Deaf and Blind every time they play against them. They also lose to christan schools all the time. LOL BUTTHURT BUFF DISREGARD THAT I SUCK COCKS. Bikers in Fort Collins don't follow the rules of the road, and are often hit by cars (with hilarious results). The area is also a breeding ground for prechy redneck, conservative Christians, which is ironic considering the other half of the population are raging faggots. The city is mostly owned and inadvertently run by college students, which would explain why Laurel St. in Fort Collins has had the most DUI cases in the country. Everyone else is just fucked to be living there, srsly.
Colorado Springs
Colorado Springs is widely known as the epicenter of the religious right with over 9000 churches serving the community, all of which are led by heterosexual and upstanding pastors who are motivated only by their love of God and not by money, coke, and/or male hookers.
Anyone under the age of 21 can most likely be found cruising the streets in a riced-out Japanese vehicle, graciously purchased by their parents. The kids under 21 without vehicles are usually Juggalos who spend their allowance on shitty weed. They usually hang out in Acacia Park and get fucked up with homeless people.
As an aside, homeless people in Colorado are generally retarded because you can be homeless ANYWHERE, so why not refrain from beer for a few days and panhandle up $80 to buy a Greyhound bus ticket to California?
Everyone over the age of 21 spends the $200 they made that week at their shitty call center job in one of the various clubs downtown. 98% of the venues play abrasive, violent hiphop, and 98 times out of 100 a patron of the club will take the opportunity to spray the joint with bullets immediately after last call.
Everyone in Colorado Springs does methamphetamine, no exceptions. Home of Ytcracker.
Glenwood Springs
Glenwood Springs is an obscure tourist trap some where in Colorado that tries very hard to divert some attention from the EXTREMELY money whoring town of Aspen. The only thing that brings any value to the town is its so called "Worlds largest outdoor hotspring pool" which contains its healthy amount of piss and AIDS from the gazillion people that go there from a day to day basis.
The town also has a homeless problem (what doesn't here?), of which is heavily concentrated behind the local Walmart. As said earlier, the jobless rate is thanks to none-other the overpopulation of mexicans. Many, bathe in the disease ridden waste water that is dumped from the hot springs into the Colorado river from a giant concrete pipe.
Also, there's a lot of faggot scene kids here. This place is probably the only one in the known universe in which the scene fad hasn't fucking died already.
Activities:
- If you fortunately happen to stumble upon the fair "Strawberry Days" then you actually might have something to do. Like picking up worthless nicknacks at one of the many booths, or watching the local parade trip over their own feet.
- If you happen to be a Subaru owner, hiker, and mac owner (all are usually at once); then this is the place for you.
- The two shopping malls here can add somewhat for a thing to do, but usually runs out of options fast.
- Willamette was probably based on this town, so zombies are likely to invade here as they did in Dead Rising.
- If above is true, go "shop" till you drop.
- Look for a way to get out of here.
Music
Just some boring shit (like everything else about Colorado, amirite) like String Cheese Incident, Big Head Todd and the Monsters, and The Fray. It's also served as inspiration to some dead guy named John Denver, the bitch who wrote America the Beautiful the awful, awful jam band movement, and is home to a huge ICP following. 3OH!3 comes from here too, hence the area code in Denver being 3-0-fucking-3.
Sports
Colorado contains several sports teams that do nothing to help Coloradans' image much, choosing to prolong a losing Colorado tradition instead.
The Colorado Rockies baseball club was formed in 1993 and, much like a souffle, proceeded to collapse gradually following their inaugural season. In 2007 they gave Coloradans a delight by not being as bad as they usually are, thus ending a decade long playoff drought, but not before choking against the Red Sox juggernaut in the World Series. They've since fallen back down to Earth, earning their rightful place in the NL West basement. That's not to mention serving as home to one of the worst mascots in sports and the national sports media hating them for daring to play in altitude.
The NHL came to Denver in the form of the Avalanche in 1995 the city decreed: "Finally! A sport we can relate to!" What they meant was a sport played by half-educated mongrels and foreigners on a surface with the consistency of I-25 in February. The Avalanche managed to please right away by winning the 1996 Stanley Cup, and then spent the next 5 years fucking with the minds of fans as they consistently lost to teams that could barely skate. Then, in 2001, they won the Cup again in the name of a geriatric who abandoned his old team just to win a ring. The team also proved that a new winning team can pull the affections of a decades old team away, maintaining that Denver is still the nation's bandwagon supplier since the days of the Oregon Trail. Though, none of this matters, as the NHL no longer matters to anyone.
Since the late 1960's, Denver fans have had a love-affair with football and the evidence of that can be found in the dirty, smelly, and still orange-clad maniac fans of the Denver Broncos. Here's a run down of every season the Broncos have played, except for two: they reach a record of 10-6 and then lose in the playoffs (if they make it). Through much of the last two decades of the 20th Century the hope of the entire Rocky Mountain region rested on the shoulders and horse-teeth of equine quarterback, John Elway. Through most of his career he was labeled as the "quarterback who could get to the big game and then choke," faltering in four Super Bowl appearances at the time. That is until the late 90's when he finally won, not one, but two championships, bringing redemption, not only to his career, but to all of those mile-high losers who paint their bodies in orange paint every Sunday for five months a year. Naturally, since then, the Broncos have been nothing short of mediocre, the shifty, blameless rat Mike Shanahan having already gone through one quarterback before pinning his hopes on newly-drafted, diabeetus-riddled Jay Cutler.
Due to the high altitude which makes the denizens of Colorado stupid, no sports team, no matter how good or bad, can hold the attention of anyone for too long. This has caused an inordinate fluctuation in other sports teams that have joined the area including the Crush (Arena Football), Mammoth (Indoor Lacrosse), The Outlaws (Outdoor Lacrosse), the Rapids (Soccer), and a slew of other athletic distractions across the front range.
On a day where there is no sports team playing the Colorado media outlets complain about how they never get to host a Winter Olympics, despite already receiving a chance in 1976, but rejecting due to tax concerns, thus angering the IOC. But who wants to see an Olympics hosted by a state that proudly tolerates Boulder? These people are obviously stupid, anyway, for an event such as the Olympics would only succeed in bringing more cancer to the state. Well, at least we got the X-Games. LOL.
Oh, did I forget to mention basketball? Fuck 'em! Except for the 70's, an okay 80's team and a one-off early 90's miracle run, the Nuggets have been nothing short of total shit, setting new marks in futility since. Bringing pot-smoking, drunk-driving, "Stop Snitching" proponent, malcontent and drama magnet Carmelo Anthony to Denver was to be the answer, except now the Nuggets can't get past the first round, losing every time out. Oops! Were blowing this shit up in the 2k9, bow the fuck down to the Nuggets!
Ski/Snowboard industry
Have you ever seen an idiot fall down a mountain with a plank of wood nailed to his or her feet?
Transportation
Colorado boasts the most well liked bus system in the country. Or so they say. In reality, RTD (which is the retard's spelling for "Retard") is a system of freaks on wheels, in which you can, many times, find homeless men peeing, transsexuals shouting on their blackberries, and old men screaming about the $1.50 bus fare. If RTD were taking the SAT, it would not even get the free 200 points for signing your name correctly. The Light Rail system is likewise terrible, and it won't be close to a decade before there's any real progress on that end, but of course we'll all be dead by then.
Colorado Fish & Game
Colorado is well known for not having anything worth shooting other than high school students. Every four hundred and twenty years some kids shoot their school, and then shoot themselves. They commonly leave notes blaming Playstation games for their actions, thus making them like Ted Kennedy. The FBI concluded last year that the last sacrificial shooting was to please the gods and make Michael Moore have a more successful life instead of just being a fat fuck who wouldn't have the balls to stand up to legendary, albeit old and senile, dead actor and gun nut Charlton Heston otherwise.
Fun Facts
- Colorado means colored red in Spanish. All people matching that description have long been driven out.
- Colorado is only as colorful as the ugly pants worn by Metro Denver's rich Republican inhabitants
- The eastern parts of Colorado should be annexed to
Nebraska and/or KansasGiven back to Britain (regardless, they won't be missed) - If you live in Colorado and are between the ages of 8 and 28, you worship the shitty, wigger-esque, electro pop band 3OH!3. No exceptions.
- Wes don leik teh Raiders
- Aspen fucking sucks unless your yearly income is at least or over $2,500,000
- Boulder is full of hippies/douchebags.
- "GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE ROAD, YOU SELFISH BASTARDS! THERE'S A BIKE PATH TWO FUCKING FEET AWAY FROM YOU!"
- Colorado's mountains eat small children.
- If you don't like the weather in Colorado, just wait 5 minutes.
- Gunnison is the coldest town in Colorado, and in the known universe.
- Idaho Springs is basically the slums of Colorado as a whole and is overrun by redneck Republicans.
- People in Colorado hate
out-of-statedrivers. If you wear anything but an Avalanche jersey, you will look like a fucking faggot.If you live in Colorado you are already a fucking faggot.- "I'd rather have a sister in a whore house than a brother at Colorado University."
- Colorado is a hotbed for ultra-secret "deep underground military bases" that were built by a shadowy world-government to assist in establishing martial law and subverting the United States constitution and the bill of rights. At the Denver international airport, near baggage claim, strange murals painted on the wall can be seen depicting military oppression, global genocide of billions of people, and of course, one-world government. Go look for them the next time you are there. Oh, and I forgot to mention that the elevator/entrance to this two-mile underground facility is located at the very bottom of the airport. Go ahead, ask someone who works there if you can go take a look.
- Colorado's capital Denver was named after John Denver who blew his lame ass self up in a plane crash
Bringing the LULZ
In spite of it all, Colorado believes in lulz and has a habit of giving rise to some weird, wild stuff. This is due in part to the copious amounts of drugs like meth, crack, cocaine, acid, and marijuana, a lot of free time, and an idyllic setting. However, unbeknownst to some, this nonsense has been going on for YEARS. Regardless, Colorado has a long way to go to catch up to Wisconsin or Florida. This includes, but is not limited to:
- Columbine
- JonBenet Ramsey
- Sand Creek Massacre. Genocide!.
- Alferd Packer, cannibal from at least 100 years ago.
- Robert Charles Browne, serial killer.
- Marvin Heemeyer
- Matthew Murray
- Kobe Bryant, renowned nigra and rapist.
- Ted Haggard, faggot, former head of National Association of Evangelicals and founder of New Life Church.
- An arm of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, linked to the Yearning for Zion Ranch, in Mancos. Yeah, we have Mormons, also.
- Focus on the Family. Stationed in Colo. Springs and founded by James Dobson, yet another cult.
- Rocky Mountain Oysters, an epic troll.
- Calling 9-1-1 and telling that your 6-year-old son is drifting in your own handcrafted helium balloon to get some attention and much LOLZ.
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