Computer
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Computers (aka Pr0n machines, aka Aspergatron, aka "puter" if you are one of the L33T) were invented in the Poonani Age when mankind were jumping around fires and throwing spears at one another. Early computers were not very useful for throwing; they were a kind of abacus, extremely primitive and only good for playing solitaire. At least 100 years later, with help from the U.S. military, a team of scientists built the first modern computer. It was RLY BIG and used punch cards to make ASCII images of naked ladies.
Computers are designed by... OMG U GUESSED IT! Engineers. That explains a helluva lot...
Contents |
Modern Computers
Modern computers are often small enough to fit inside a single room, and now have monitors for looking at stuff and speakers for listening to stuff. The addition of a keyboard for typing in stuff has lead to the "upload" of vast amounts of porn and videos of people getting hurt, as well as providing a launching platform for piss-poor indie bands such as the Arctic Monkeys.
The Internet(s)
The internets were invented last Thursday. This tube-based technology gave everyone (except women) in the world a voice, and access to the aforementioned vast amounts of pornography and videos of people getting hurt. This was most welcome, as many people were getting tired of having to exchange punch cards.
The internets are mainly used to spread the messages of racism, anarchy, piracy and misogyny, and rightly so. Computers can also be used for shopping, meeting new people to fuck, hacking, terrorism, paedophilia, and learning new recipes for dildo insertion. Women are still not allowed to be in the room while a computer is on, because they can't handle teh power of teh pr0n.
Oops. Don`t forget looking at Encylopaedia Dramatica!!!!11!!!!111!
Computer Technicians
Computers need a lot of care and attention to run at optimal efficiency. To stop end users on networks from fucking things up, white nerdy Computer Technicians were born. Technicians know secret knowledge, like ESD wrist straps must be worn when touching power supplies and that all computer components must be kept next to that can of Dr Pepper on the floor -- NEVER IN ANTI-STATIC BAGS!!! Technicians are the gods of Fdisk, and can scream RTFM at over 9000 decibels when an end user can't connect a printer to the network or says something like, "Is RAID 2 a spoof of Pirates of the Caribbean 2?"
Parts
A computer is made of several parts. Your average user would think it is simply a box, a TV, a keyboard, and a mouse, but in fact there are much moar gizmoz involved! If you take an axe or very large hammer, you will be able to open up that boxy-looking computer lurking under your table. Opening the computer will allow you to see the mother-modem, which is the heart of the hard drive. If you put your tongue on those flashing lights, you can feel the sparkly magic of the computer run through your body!
The most important part of your computer is the hard drive. It is the place where all the tasty, tasty pr0n is stored. Think of it as your own personal Adult Bookshop. When the man comes knocking, you will need to burn this piece of hardware as fast as you fucking can (especially if you've ever associated with OldDirtyBtard).
And getcher hands off that mouse you dirty bastard!
Obsolete and old computer parts
Cathode Ray Monitors - big fucking monitors that weighed a ton, took up half your desk, and fried your eyeballs if you looked at too much porn on it. IMAGINE BILLY MAYS SCREAMING EVERYTHING ON YOUR SCREEN AT YOU! They would burn your eyes so bad that you'd think you were crying over the beauty of Stephanie Swift during a late-night wank session in your parents living room.
Floppy Drive - A drive that read magnetic floppy disks. The 5.5 inch size which flopped, and the 3.25 size that didn't. Taping them to your head would protect you from the satellites.
Dialup Modem - a little old guy who would strain to listen to your computer with an ear horn and then call another computer/server and talk veeeerrryyy sloooollly with it. "WHAT? WHAZZAT? YOU WANT LITTLESUSIESPREAD.GIF?" When downloading porn over a modem in the early days of the internet, pictures would appear on your screen line-by-line and would often freeze up before it ever got to the boobs.
Getting started
The everyday person should know the basics of personal computer. First off, Adjust your monitors brightness by 99. This helps you view your computer screen more clearly and pleasantly than before. Once completed, log onto your computer. If you're running Windows, you should be at least be getting 24 blue screens per a second. Now the easy way to fix this. Is by picking up a Flame thrower and insert it into the disc drive. Once inserted, pull the trigger on your flame thrower. Your computer should be making loud and painful noises. Your monitor should shortly set on fire and changing colors rapidly. Now to phone Dell and order a new computer, because you just set your $1000 computer on fire.
Pro Tips For DIY Repair
- Make sure your computer is on when you open it. Stick pencils into any moving fans to stop them from cutting you.
- If you don't know what something does, touch it with a magnet. This will make your computer faster by passing on your positive chi.
- Fill your computer case with water. Water cooling is all teh rage in Europe.
- When using the internets, be sure to click on every pop-up ad that offers free system checks and/or porn. Especially porn. Also, if you come across a site that absolutely insists that your computer has viruses on it and wants you to run its program, by all means let it.
- Blue LEDs will make your computer go faster, but only in SLI.
- If your computer isn't working, take your keyboard and hit it really hard. Computers will often sense your impatience and strive to move faster. Sometimes hitting the screen works, as the screen is the gateway to a computer's soul.
- Ctrl+Alt+Delete to your heart's desire, or until the computer gives in to your demands.
- Delete C:\Windows\System32. It will remove unnecessary temporary files from your system and make it faster.
- When assembling a PC from components, place steel wool under the motherboard for padding.
- Do not overload the cupholder. It WILL break.
- To make typing faster and easier, open the Keyboard Control Panel and select "Dvorak".
- Disable spell check. Your modem is error-correcting. This will speed up internets access.
- If your CRT monitor seems too hot, insert a thin stiff uninsulated wire into the cooling vents.
- If Grandpa wants help running MSDOS on the old computer he refuses to give up, typing or DEL *.* or even FORMAT C: at the C: prompt opens up a cheat mode window that will give you invulnerability, infinite ammo, level select and extra lives.
People that help fix computers
See Also
- Windows
- Apple
- Linux
- Intel
- AMD
- Bill Gates
- Steve Jobs
- FuckU-FuckMe (Think Fleshlight + Computer)
