Conservatism
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Conservatism is the political ideology that states that it is generally a good idea to keep the status quo no matter how fucked up it is. The conservative right holds the world as secondary to church, and only takes reality into account during the short timespan between leaving their driveways and going to the mall / dropping the kids off at football practice, during which a slew of bible passages and repressive emotional responses hard-coded into them since childhood shields them from any information that would conflict with their worldview, ie anything that causes one to think. To them, any change at all is a threat to their existence inside a model home with a cookie-cutter lawn and a white picket fence, the "Ideal Patriotic Life" / "American Dream" sentimentalism consequent of a corporate social experiment designed to facilitate mass consumerism.
Strictly speaking, no conservatives exist, as everybody wants to change something. A more plausible summary of the goal of conservatism: going backwards in time to something like the 1950's, where the Internet didn't exist and liberalism was dead because everyone equated liberals with dirty commies. At least 100% of the time Conservatives are Fundie Christians, although the white power types prefer Arnold Murray and the Christian Identity movement. Some of the moar Nazi ones even try to reclaim Norse religions.Conservatives are not actually conservatives at all, because everyone knows large corporations love cheap labour, amirite?
Many of these people love Jesus, and love to force others to believe in him. However, Last Thursday, Ronald Reagan killed Jesus, and he is now recognized as the God of America.
Conservatives are known for lower taxes, spending more, killing niggers, being staunch supporters of science, they love guns, and hate gays (despite being gay themselves). They also hate sex, love teh sweet buttsecks and are against killing the unborn but love killing the already born. They also love George W. Bush and Larry the Cable Guy.
Many believe that Conservatism will save America. These people are usually greedy capitalist pigs, old people, really old people, really white people, militant neo-cons, rednecks, Protestants, people from the deep South, and Ted Haggard...basically rich, white, assholes who have no idea what (or even where) America is.
Conservatives have long established the ideal of a master race that dominates the social system. This sensibly ties in to the fact that they want to preserve the status quo and are already a genetically powerful white with a socially superior background. To this day, the master race has dominated the inferior races from a political to personal level.
Basically, conservatives believe that everything should go back to how it was a generation ago, but then the conservatives from that generation would have things go back to how they were a generation before that, and so on and so on, which would mean that they in effect believe that people should eventually revert to being cavemen (Naked ppl? IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD??? *blamblam* - fixed).
Conservatives weren't always exclusive to the Republican party. In fact, many conservatives, if not all, are currently proud members of NAMBLA.
At least 100 years ago Condoleeza Rice's grandfather went into town to register to vote. He first went to the Democrats office where he was thrown out when Conservatives told him that "Niggers weren't welcome in their party". He then went to the office of the GOP where he was allowed to register and vote, as long as he didn't act too uppity. Years later in 2001, Condoleeza was hired by W as the token self-loathing lesbian minority of his Conservative administration.
Hippies protested at the Democratic Convention in the 60's wherein the mayor ordered the police to beat the piss out of them. Hippies are often seen in films from that era chanting "FUCK YOU LBJ" referring to the then Democratic president Lyndon B Johnson. Only after those hippies got jobs as professors, NBC "news reporters", and presidential candidates did they ever try to expose Conservatives and Republicans as racist. This was made easier by the fact that most conservatives are racist didn't do anything useful whatsoever. The poorer ones ate raccoons, killed homos, attended megachurches and spent their Welfare checks on their KKK memberships. The rich ones drank all day and plotted their comeback by purchasing all of media through Rupert Murdoch, the true face of the Anti-Christ, with much toe-tapping faggotry in their spare time.
The US president experienced a dilemma when told by senior staff that he was a conservative. This was because he thought conservating was an activity only undertaken by smelly, tree-hugging hippies.
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Kool-Aid
The official seal of the Republican party and conservatives in general is the Kool-Aid man. The reference originates from the Jonestown Massacre, where a Christfag named Jim Jones led sum nigras to cross the Nile into Guyana where they slurped Grape Kool-Aid all day like nigras always do. It's comparable to the way conservatives down George Bush's bullshit where he claimed conquering the nation of Iraq, would somehow protect the US from Iraq's intercontinental ballistic nuclear missiles that, Saddam's own top generals knew existed. Saddam himself eventually admitted that the WMDS WERE A LIE to scare off Iran, but he didn't think that America would invade. Oops.
Conservative porn
It is well known that since conservatives are publicly against all bodily fluid contact, skin to skin contact, or any other fun naked stuff, save for procreation. Privately they tend to be more deviant than liberals. They also get off listening to balding, fat blowhards on AM talk radio. The ultimate in Conservative porn is hearing the latest Rush Limbaugh wannabe go off about immigration, banning gay marriage or threatening to shoot the homeless into space. If you want to hear some of this auditory porn, try just about any AM radio station below the Mason-Dixon line in the United States. Fox News will also do in a pinch for a quick splooge in the living room.
Here's a conservative porn store endorsed on a LiveJournal message board or something!!
East Asian Conservatives
East Asian conservatives are mostly 80 year old Chinese man in panties who believe in ancient Chinese beliefs. They can usually be found strolling through their cherry blossom garden recalling ancient Chinese proverb in the third person. Asian Conservatives often force their children through rigorous study in school. This often leads Asian teens to become azn or become an hero. As with most of the world, they are in charge here, but unlike most of the world, they've never lost power.
Asian Conservatives revere:
- Confucius
- Lao-tsu
- Buddha
- Jackie Chan
- Sun-Tzu
- Fortune cookies
- Whoever is in charge.
Not to be confused with Michelle Malkin.
European Conservatives
Europeans believe that Conservatism caused Hitler and that if they act conservative they will be more like Americans. Because of this there is no Conservatism in Europe except in England, where it made all the miners go on strike and have riots at least 100 years ago. And it's popular in Germany as being Conservative lets you openly practice rabid xenophobia, racism and hating fags which are all popular pastimes in Germany, as well as cornerstones of the Conservative philosophy.
Black conservatives
THEY DO EXIST. OH RLY? TAT RITE BRO. Examples: Larry Elder, Colin Powell, Condoleezza Rice, Alan Keyes and Michael Steele. Don't forget Bill Cosby is telling the fellow negroes "Shame on you" and tells the coloreds to "get a job".
Conservatism (community)
conservatism is also a LiveJournal Community theoretically dedicated to discussion of right-wing politics, but generally more concerned with nonsense about Michael Moore and occasionally "what leftists think" or anti-Americanism.
- Here they explore the finer aspects of Sharia Law with How would Jesus pay taxes?, TL;DR
- A terror-filled article on why Vaginas are scary.
- An Almost hijacked story (actually a lie) which generated over 1,000 posts. (see also almost raped)
Typical Conservative YouTube arguments
National Anthem of Jesusland
Qualifications for Membership
- An icon that features either an eagle, the stars and stripes and/or the user stroking a handgun.
- Believe that only Republicans can save the nation.
- A belief that the belief in a liberal bias of all media, ever, is a cast-iron refutation of any theory vaguely implying the poster's leftard-hood.
- An irrational sexual attraction to Jews and Ronald Reagan's corpse.
- Make long rants on how you believe liberals control the entire universe and how they fail at life. Yet, you forget to realize that you were a liberal when you were a young homosexual. This explains why conservatives retain their homosexuality but begin to hide it.
- A belief that America's oil dependency will be amply served by some shale oil fields in Alaska - even though every single government and oil company in the Universe has spent millions of dollars in research grants to reach the conclusion that it's not possible to extract oil from shale.
- Go on & on about defending freedom yet masturbate to the arrests of
pornographersphotographers. - Believe that everybody that looks at porn should get arrested.
- Believe in abstinence.
- Taxing and spending is evil, yet unconditionally support the military which uses over half of all tax money.
- The ability to work Hilary Clinton and/or Michael Moore into every conversation.
- The ability to work Abortion, Gay marriage and no-fault divorce into every conversation.
- A stockpile of rifles and firearms to "protect" you from the government military and law institutions that you simultaneously worship and believe can do no wrong, while also believing that your pathetic stockpile would help you if the party van came for you.
- The ability to declare yourself a disbeliever in "political correctness" while getting butthurt if anyone says anything bad about the US military, Christians, White people, Jews, "red-staters", Confederacy, Republicans in general and George W. Bush in particular; or implies that the US is anything but the best country in the world.
- A complete dumbass (gullible), preferably an IQ of less than 10
0. - Watch Fix'd News.
- Buy into to fear tactics, and fear the colored people (blacks, Mexicans, gays, Asians).
- Hate Islam while supporting most of their policies, as opposed to liberals who love Islam but hate most of their policies.
- Repressed homosexuality, often manifesting itself as blatant faggotry and actual gay sex, the memories of which are also later repressed.
- Gaps in immediate memory in conjunction with anal soreness.
- Lifelong financial insulation from anything resembling 'reality' (only necessary for Gold-level membership).
- Constant whining about liberals being whiny or proclaiming yourself to be the 'anti-liberal.'
- (If owned by a high school libtard) Insulting that person constantly just because he/she is a high schooler.
- Forgetting the fact that you were a libtard when you were in high school.
- Tells foreigners to GTFO on issues they cannot solve.
- Pedophilia
- A predisposition to believe that human rights and democracy are oh-so-oppressed everywhere whether it's in China, Russia, Iran, France, or Venezuela but at the same time, bitch and complain every time the Democrats win an election at home or, God forbid, liberals utilize their "rights" to free speech.
- A tendency to call anyone and everyone a 'hippie' and/or 'commie' as soon as they feel personally threatened or disagree in any way with the other person's opinions on anything.
- An identity-crisis at any moment you have to use your brain, usually resorting to Christianity, alcoholism, pedophilia, and other typical vices of Catholic priests, who are great examples of Conservatives.
- Knowledge of where the best public restrooms to cruise for cock are.
How to troll Conservatives OL
It should be noted that trolling conservatives is redundant since conservatives are perpetually butthurt 24/7 anyway, and spend most of their time jacking off to AM radio, bibles, and kiddie porn, so they might have too much denial to be trolled well.
In general, some fun tricks to play on conservatives are to tell them someone is either:
- Try to kill them
- Make them pay taxes
- Take their jerb
- Destroy their culture
- Read a book in front of them that was not written by Sean Hannity
- Make them speak another language
- Outlaw religion
- Have gay sex
- Look at porn
- Have sex before marriage
- Get an abortion
- Or even all at once
This does not have to be true, but if you say you're a Christian, they'll believe you. You may also have to say how much you love Jesus.
Using these simple techniques, you can easily confuse them into thinking you give a shit about what you're talking about, or things like convincing them it's good if people are guilty until proven innocent, and that it's good to give up your freedom for a false sense of security (though you should always emphasize how it is not false through dramatic technique). One important thing is to keep them on edge 24/7. This can be accomplished by bitter hags, sensationalist closet homosexuals, and FOX News. It sounds complicated, but is easy once you get the hang of it. They can even trick themselves with it! Other overdone plots:
- You see, Canada is obviously superior.
- I think Hillary Clinton would make an excellent President, as long as she doesn't have sexual relations with that woman's husband things should run smoothly.
- Did you know that Ronald Reagan invented AIDS because he hates black people and gays? (You may or may not want to mention that he gave Jews the antidote to AIDS, permitting them to continue having unlimited buttsex.)
- People should not be afraid of their government, government should be afraid of their people"
- Republicans are on a war on terror, Democrats are on a war on error.
List of Conservatards
- Any Concerned Mother
- Sarah Palin
- John McCain
- Andrew Schlafly
- Iain Hall
- Victoria4usa
- Nathan Sheets
- Culturalbaggage
- Cigarskunk
- Rednecks
- Kid Rock
- Idiots
- Norm Coleman
- Ann Coulter
- Lyndon Johnson
- Mike Crapo
- Inheritrix
- Michelle Malkin
- DonDarkstalker
- Synthetikmisery
- God
- FacelessMaster3003
- DBoyWheeler
- PilgrimJohn
- Xiao-Feng-Fury
- RejectedDreams
- W
- blogs4brownback- A shitty site devoted to conservativism.
- Amalea
- T. Reginald Gibbons
- Jeff Gannon
- Larry Craig
- Your mom d00d. no wonder you're fucked up.
- ConFURvatives - Even FURRIES are conservatives!
- Werechu
- Jason Aula aka J-Rizzle
- Rangerphiles
See Also
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