Creationist

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Note: This article will never be as funny as the truth.

They don't call it circular reasoning for nothing

Oh the wit.

Certainly not

At least creationists are PARTIALLY right.

A creationist is someone that maintains that 150 years of consistent, peer reviewed, tested and retested scientific data produced by thousands of people who spent much more than $1200 and 2 months of "studying" to get a PhD are all wrong and that Earth and life were not created by a slow but observable process over millions of years but by an infinitely knowing, loving, and powerful, yet seemingly indecisive and possibly bipolar deity in less than a week.

Generally, creationists will argue that evolution (and pretty much everything else that people didn't pull out of their asses and called "scripture" at least 100 years ago) is false, because it hasn't been proven and because everything could not have spawned from nothing. Therefore creationism is correct, because it makes far more sense that an omnipotent super human created everything from nothing 6000 years ago by talking, and everything was already finished in that instant, including life, and this is all proven true because it was in a book written by people who where raving mad from syphilis and wigging out on spoiled grain. Evolution is well acknowledged as a scientific fact, even by most christfags. Creationists, however, would bathe in their own shit if the Bible or Kent Hovind told them to do so.

One of the many repercussions of being of this brand of Christfag is that your career choices are limited to either harassing customers about Jesus at the grocery store you push carts at or conning people out of their money by completely making shit up and calling yourself a scientist until eventually getting partyvanned for fraud.

1 Bipolar Analogue
2 Creationist Education
3 Creationist Beliefs
4 Strategies And Scare Tactics
- 4.1 The Copypasta
5 Spot the Troll
- 5.1 Satan Invented Evolution!
6 Benefits of Being a Creationist
7 Videos
8 SPECIAL MENTION: www.darwinism-watch.com
9 See also:
10 THE PROOF OF GOD THE LOONY LEFT DOESN'T WANT YOU TO SEE
11 EVILUTIONISTS TRY BUT THEY CANT WIN!

Bipolar Analogue

Both the Liberal and Conservative herds are shamelessly masking their respective mystic delusions under rogue science much like the Nazis did with Eugenics. When we refer to Creationism we might as well refer to Environmentalism for the same epistemological purpose.

Creationist Education

Typical Creationist logic

What creationism does to the public school system.

Here is the 'How Do You Know if you are a Creatard?' Test:

Are science, logic, observable data, and rationality completely and utterly incorrect?
Is God--~~and Harry Potter~~ (Christians hate Harry Potter)--correct?
Do I have a Doctorate from an unaccredited, Christian diploma-mill?
Am I from the South?
Am i rite?

If you answered 'Yes' to any of the above, you are a Creatard. Well done! Buy shares in tinfoil hats.

Unintelligent Design Some creationists call themselves "proponents of intelligent design" and pretend to understand science. Here is your test!:

Was the world created 6,000 years ago?
Can you prove this assertion using carbon-dating and the fossil record?

If you answered 'Yes' to both of the above, you are either lying or painfully ignorant. Modern science has obviously been pwnt by cave-dwelling sheep-fuckers from at least 100 years ago, and you're going to prove it by using modern science!

Creationist Beliefs

What God thinks of creationist.

God created this on purpose?

Explaining evolution to a creation-tard.

Stalin, Hitler, Mao, and Pol Pot were atheists and therefore evolutionists (and therefore atheists).
The Flintstones is a documentary.
The Holocaust happened due to atheism, fags and Darwinism.
Bill O'Reilly is right about everything.
Karl Marx was a Nazi.
Darwin was responsible for 9/11.
The Earth is a flat disc that the Sun and the whole universe revolve around.
If you believe in evolution, you must be an atheist and therefore you worship the Devil. You are also a Nazi, a Communist, a liberal, a fag, and a Democrat.
Darwin was a Nazi, a Communist, a liberal, a fag, and a Democrat.
All dinosaurs were vegetarians.
It's okay to fuck your parents because the Bible says so in Genesis 19:30-38
Evidence is for fags.
The Holocaust never happened.
Evolution is wrong because monkeys don't give birth to human beings and because there's no such thing as a Crocoduck.
Without the bible, everyone would be killing, stealing, smoking crack, and raping each other in the street.
God hates fags.
Darwin believed in God and therefore made everything up.
HIV doesn't cause AIDS.
The dinosaurs were all killed in the The Great Flood
Satan planted all the fossils on the Earth to turn us away from Jesus.
God planted all the fossils on the Earth to test our faith.
The moon landing was faked.

Strategies And Scare Tactics

The Copypasta

The average Creationist's reaction the the theory of evolution.

Do not mess with Creationists. True story, I go the YMCA across from this Church in Brooklyn. One day me and my dudes are walking down Hunter Ave and a bunch of these Bible-blaring men and women come out and tell us "why are wearing shorts above our knee!!!!". Well, we just played basketball so what do you expect? Then they give us these pamphlets with Jesus quotes and all that. My dude throws it away right when this big fat lady gives him one (mind you, she was slow at passing them out). She gets so mad and, then and there, BEATS the shit out of him with her fat hand and he giant bible that is shaped like a prick!

So I run home and call the police. They didn't believe me so I got my mom on the line, but before that I had to tell her:

So then my mom got scared and said "you’re moving with your auntie and uncle in bel-air"

I whistled for a cab and when it came near the Licensplate said "fresh" and had a dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought now forget it, yo home to bel-air

I pulled up to a house about seven or eight And I yelled to the cabby "yo, home smell you later" Looked at my kingdom I was finally there To settle my throne as the prince of bel-air

Spot the Troll

As creationists come up with (and believe) the most ridiculous arguments it's not always easy to tell whether they actually believe such bullshit or whether they are trolls in disguis. You be the judge.

The username is a bit of a giveaway.	Because Creationists never use propaganda.	What hopefully is a joke.	Which is good news for certain people.
Conservapedia's article on creationism . . .	And their article on evolution.	Coincidence?	God is trying to tell them something.

Satan Invented Evolution!

science I has it!

The reason why evolution exists, according to this intellectual genius named VenomFangX (more like VenomFAGX, amirite?), is not because some old guy thought it up. No, it was Satan!! Satan started evolution in the Garden of Eden, who told Eve everything in order to further his plans for world domination. Also, VenomFangX states that scientists just merely thought up the idea from their imagination that all Hu-Mans are related to either dogs or bananaz, or sporks, and that we are all idiots for reading books. Though Creationists, such as VenomFailX, fail to realize that this argument is flawed, since furries exist.

Benefits of Being a Creationist

Despite the rest of this article being written from the perspective of Godless queers, you can be assured that this section hosts the truth. Being a creationist profers you a multitude of benefits, some of which are listed here:

-Immunity to AIDS That's right, only the faggots, atheists, and fence-sodomized agnostics get AIDS. AIDS only evolves into resistant strains in their satanized bodies as God's punishment. So if you find yourself with AIDS, don't fear! Microevolution does not exist so you are safe.

-Level-5 Immunity to the Flu You only need one flu shot. So called doctors will lie and try to get you to get more than one shot, insisting that flu adapts to be immune to previous shots! This is a crock of panty wearing liberal BS. Also, believing in Baby Jesus (Sacred Hebrew name lolizhadelicioushna) will make you immune to the dreaded H1N1 Swine flu!

-Befriending Dinosaurs This perk speaks for itself, why wouldn't you want to ride a dinosaur?

-Middle Eastern Penguins When the Great Flood brought upon us by the all-loving God destroyed all species but Noah and his all-encompassing Ark, all the animals left the great Ark from Mount Ararat. They then dispersed about the whole world. In what was to be called the March of the Penguins, penguins marched in single file across the deserts and jungles of Africa, never settling until they got to Antarctica, where they now permanently reside. That is, except for a very small select group that stayed with Noah in the Middle East. To this day, the decendants of these magnificent penguins are guarded from the Godless faggots by Kurt Cameron and shown only to the most devout and Republican of creationists.

-Knowledge that you were divinely created Evilutionists will try to have you believe that a single cell, given billions and billions of years, could eventually become a full fledged life form. This is obviously impossible, as such a process would be too complex even given this time scale. But worse than this falsehood, atheist "scientists" will even try to have you believe that YOU were created from a single cell into a complete human being...in just NINE MONTHS! This laughable attempt to lead you to Satan flies in the face of the more widely accepted theory that you were created just before the moment you were delivered from your honorable mother's holy orfice.

Videos

Creationists are completely incapable of handling rejection and critique of their ideas. As such, they are virulent proponents of censorship. This ranges from banhammering to filing false DMCA claims in order to "do it for jebus"

Sadly no - this was not drawn by a troll.

Previous Video | Next Video

VenomfangX, a well-known creatard who has used such strategy against thunderf00t. Another more recent strategy is to now use votebots, which votes down a youtube video. This tactic of course sparked some outrage and backfired, causing more people to be aware of their dirty tricks than before.

So in conclusion, creationist tactics usually end up with alot of fail. Let's recap;

Video gets voted down using votebots

Video is viewed less
They have less chance of being seen as wrong.

Christfags think it stops here...

The next steps are...

People hear about the votebots
People ALL react with anger and vote videos back up
The message is spread to MANY more people than it would have reached.
The tactic backfires and they are even worse off than if they hadn't been a jackass.

SPECIAL MENTION: www.darwinism-watch.com

Darwinism-watch is a site which makes youtube creationists look logical and rational by comparison. Part of the reason it is so retarded is because the creator of the site is a strange mutation of double-lolcow, being both a creationist and a raghead. One also has to ask why a site which hates evolution so much decorates it's banner with images of Charles Darwin and fossils.