Dane Cook

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Dane Cook, left, being a retarded faggot. He probably fucked that monkey that he's standing on, that sick fuck.

Actual photo of Dane Cook's penis.

Dane Cook is fucking horrible. Absolutely asshole-sucking awful. He is an unfunny ball-sucking fucktard of a "comedian" who must have sold his soul to the Dark Lord Satan himself to become famous. At any given time, wherever funny is, Dane Cook is over 9,000 miles away from it.

Why is Dane Cook?

Don Cock *fixed

Dane Cook was created by Hollywood Jews for the purpose of a mass-produced, non-offensive puppet of a man to please frat boys and sorority girls.

He's headlined a tour, had an HBO Special, and has been on several talk shows. Why? To force feed you the thought that he is actually funny. He is engineered to be what the American public wants: inoffensive, white, male, and he could be the kid next door. Unfortunately, the American public is retarded and only appreciates AmeriFrench comedians and fast-talking aussies.

Summing up his style and career

Cook boldly represents a new brand of 21st Century comedian; a comedian whose act doesn't rely on being funny, but instead puts more emphasis on leaving any poor soul who happens upon one of his shows with the feeling that they were repeatedly kicked in the balls (or ovaries). This may seem contrary to what common sense would indicate (especially considering the fucking insane levels of popularity that he has gained), and so one might argue that this douche-bag must have told a good joke at some point in his career. They would be wrong. In days gone by a comedian actually had to be amusing; but not any more.

As an "actor" in such recent films as Dan in Real Life, Good Luck Chuck and Mr. Brooks, Dane Cook is facepalm fail.

Dane Cook: Cam Whore

Dane Cook made himself famous on the interbutts through his MySpace which now has over two million "friends". This alone launched his superstar "comedy" career. As such, he is the most successful attention whore the Informationweb Supernetwork has ever created.

Making a video about "lolz I gots 2 million friends and you don't"? If you think that this is a notable life accomplishment, then you should kill yourself.

Video available here

^^Notice how the other actors are funny...but still not Dane Cook.

The Fans

Dane Cook is popular among orangeskin retards and people who have never heard any other stand-up comic in their life. Dane Cook's comedy routines usually consist of telling real-life stories and trying to make them funny by making the sort of exaggerated expressions and voices that you might expect from a first-grade class clown, while never actually saying anything funny. This causes him to fail miserably, especially when he used his "superfinger" gesture. This is done by flipping someone off using your ring and middle finger, causing frat douches everywhere to laugh uncontrollably. If Jerry Seinfeld decided to wash his teeth for once, then he would be exactly like Dane Cook.

He is also admired by 16 year old girls and lesbians, who want to take it in the ass from him. 13 year old boys usually tell 16 year old girls that they like Dane, so they can get roman showers. He's also been well known for blatantly stealing material from funnier and more original comedians, most notably HBO's Louis CK 1. People tend to take that way too seriously and shit themselves over it, creating lots of lulz.

His more devoted fans typically defend him with laughable or just plain trite explanations, which include the following:

“	He tells it how it is!!	„
—Fag

“	Everyone who 'bashes' Dane and the work he does needs to shut their mouths until they get to know the real him!!111	„
—Fag

“	He didn't steal from Louis C.K, he made it better!	„
—Fag

“	I think Dane Cook is a pretty cool guy. eh talks about his RL experiences and doesn't afraid of anything	„
—Fag

When the truth is

“	I once misread his name as 'Dane Cock' after watching some of his 'comedy' on youtube.	„
—Truth

“	Fuck Dane Cook, he's a cunt.	„
—Louis CK

(Predictably enough, 98% of these virulently defensive hero-worshiping comedy groupies have never even had the opportunity to exchange a few brief words with the disinterested hack at one of his shows.)

His screeching voice is also similar to 13 year old boys.

Just as a final note, it must be repeated that Dane Cook is not funny; his stand up, his movies — none of it. It's not even up for discussion. Dan Cook sucks balls. Balls which are, incidentally, much funnier than he'll ever be.

How To Be Like Dane Cook

How To Do Stand Up Like Dane Cook

You, too, can write your own joke! It's easy! Just follow the formula below:

Start out with "So the other day,"
Talk about some mundane activity that everyone does. This is sure to build a connection with the audience. They'll be thinking, "Wow. He's just like me. I do that too!" (See Also: Linkin Park Song writing formula)
Repeat what you did at least 3 times, then yell it back again and add the word "fucking."
Wait for all the females in the crowd to finish screaming.
Add some ridiculous, unrealistic aspect to the story. PROTIP: Create your own word for extra laughs!
Mention one of your old jokes. Fanboys who have heard this joke will clap appreciatively.
Go off on a tangent telling another story. Return to step 1.
Return to the original story, which you almost forgot about due to an extreme case of ADD.
Exaggerate. Every. Single. Detail.
Become the victim of the story as it progresses.
Violently thrust your body around. Just imagine you're epileptic. Don't worry about the context of your story! Most of the audience is too dense to follow more than a sentence or two at a time.
Insert another small tangent here. Don't forget to keep saying "fucking."
In a fell swoop of Deus Ex Machina, overcome the odds and become the victor of your story. The more unrealistic the victory, the better.
Add a tangent on how you would further achieve victory in the most ridiculous way possible.
Nod your head and say "Yeeeeeeah, that's right!" to the crowd as they give you the first of numerous standing ovations that will follow each and every subsequent "joke".

How To Look/Sound like Dane Cook

Did you know...

Dane Cook is a dirty Catholic freak?

A reasonable response to criticism of Dane Cook by a reasonable fan.
IF YOU YELL JOKES REALLY LOUD, THEY ARE TOTALLY HILARIOUS!
A throw away reference to an eighties cartoon usually is the most complicated, and highly sophisticated, form of humor.
As a child, Dane Cook had horrible nightmares about the Kool-Aid guy?
Dane Cook is a stand up comedian?
Dane Cook licks dog balls?
Dane Cook is the reason why people have AIDS?
Dane Cook sucks the 19 inch cock of Satan?
Dane Cook was a basement dweller when he was a teenager?
Dane Cook is the seed of anti-lulz?
Dane Cook Sold his soul to the devil; it didn't work.
Dane Cook's arch nemesis Is Carlos Mencia
Dane Cook is an unfunny, overrated piece of shit.

Dane Cook on the YouTubes

Be sure to visit the comment pages of these videos for some high quality drama and easy trolling opportunities. Also, skip forward to 4:45 in the Scrubs sketch show video.