David Cameron
From Encyclopedia Dramatica
Contents |
Whiney Voice
Talks like the weasling public school boy that he is.
Rise to power
With a vacuum of power now at the top of the Tory Party, ambitious Dave was able to mount a challenge for leadership. He was originally mocked for going for the leadership with critics pointing to the lack of any political opinions of his own and having a weak, pale and flabby face, the kind you just want to punch. As the weeks passed though and potential leaders were voted out of the Big Brother house by the public, Dave was still hanging on. Dave managed to reach Week 11 and in the final defeated Enoch Powell and Geordie 70s dancer Anthony to emerge victorious. He was then, in a grand ceremony, installed with all the customary magic powers of the Tory leader by being anointed in the blood of Margaret Thatcher by Lord Voldemort. Hes fucking epic and yo know it.
Dave is cool
Dave recognizes that because the British public are so inbred, mentally deficient and ignorant it doesn’t matter what policies he has and as such, he has none. What matters is that he is perceived as being cool. This theory is supported by Coolometer readings of over 9,000 MicroFonzies for Tony Blair in the run-up to the 1997 General Election, which he won in a landslide, compared to the reading of 6.4 MicroFonzies for John Major. Dave was said to have been emitting readings of around 7,500 MicroFonzies as of Septmeber 2006 showing his increasing popularity.
One of the things David Cameron has done to become cool is shorten his name from David to Dave. This is because it takes too long to say David and if he were to waste valuable time saying this instead of the abbreviated Dave he would become uncool and die.
One of Britain’s most popular hobbies is binge-drinking and as such Dave is planning on a night out in Newquay this coming Winter where he will honor such great deceased Britons as Winston Churchill, Anne Robinson and
Also, because English people are stupid enough to believe that recycling will save the environment Dave used to ride a bicycle before it was stolen by a nigga. He has also promised upon being elected to give trees rights just below those of men and above those of women. This all began when Dave once picked up a copy of The Observer newspaper and found out that rich, bleeding-heart liberals care about the environment. This is strange because these people have never even left London and seen grass but furthermore, why people would want to save the environment, which mercilessly kills hundreds of thousands a year, is a mystery. Many wonder why Dave has stuck to his commitment to saving the environment considering this stance has alienated the ex-Atlantis communities living in England who are still pissed at that bitch Mother Nature and are now abstaining at the next election by voting Lib Dem, basically saying to the world look at me I am a massive faggot. Some believe this is because Dave is a all round pretty cool guy and is safeguarding the environment so all those shit animals Napoleon Dynamite drew in that crappy movie can evolve into being so they can roam into Slough and kill the Islamic cancer and Indians who plague that town, it is also worth nothing the only white face in Slough you will see will be Abdule, and hes from Poland.
Dave's latest attempt at reaching the intellectual midgets that are internet users, can be seen in his highly entertaining sitcom "Webcameron". In the first episode of Webcameron he washed the dishes and talked to an imaginary child, in the second episode he again washed the dishes and then kissed a child (the child was later destroyed for copyright purposes). Webcameron is technically a pun, so its evidence (as if you needed anymore) that Dave is a fucking cool guy, capische.
Next Prime Minister??!!1
Many people believe that Dave will be the next PM. This is mainly attributed to Tony Blair having his MySpace account deleted for trolling anti-George Bush groups and because Tony’s sidekick Gordon Brown, who will fight Dave at the next election (heavily rumored to be in a Ladder match), is Scottish and a coward, also as the Christian God looked down on England after he came to power he said what a shite hole and then pissed into the Channel which flooded FUCKING EVERYWHERE. Our man Gordon sat back and ate some skittles fearing any action would offend Islam. At the 2006 Reading Festival Dave called out Gordon to a fight under Marquess of Queensbury Rules calling him, “an analogue politician in a digital world” and a “weak pussy”. Gordon didn’t show however leading Dave to further mock him on stage before giving an impromptu performance of “(Don’t Fear) The Reaper”. This was ironic though as The Reaper is what Dave fears most of all, after Xenu of course.
Despite some Tory traditionalists unhappy with Dave’s leadership many support him with Norman Tebbit even going as far to liken to him to Pol Pot.
Margaret Thatcher is reported to have said "He can fuck up Paddies anyday with me".
David Cameron: National Tissue
Controversy
- Dave is strongly suspected to have coked up back in his university days after dodging questions about it on television. As a rich, white, old Etonian though this shouldn’t have taken people by surprise. However, seeing as Dave was proposing a crackdown on cocaine users this angered some people. The few intelligent people in England were angered however at the general public being surprised that Dave is a cokehead or a hypocrite. Cocaine is cool anyway though, so back teh fuck off dude.
- Dave was a member of the controversial Bullingdon Dining Club, a group of posh elitist twats that act as the British version of the Skull and Bones society, making him in essence a more inbred, British version of George W Bush.
- Many political commentators have compared David to Tony Blair over his lack of political opinions and need to be perceived as cool. Some have gone so far as to call Dave a Blair clone. Well fucking done Sherlocks.
- After it was leaked to the News of the World newspaper that Dave once bought a copy of Hulk Hogan’s rap album Macho Man Randy Savage has targeted Dave for death in his vendetta against the Hulkster. Oh YEAH!
- He tries too hard to be just like your average bloke, when he's really just an emo toff
- Probably stole Gordon's glass eyeball to make him feel like a right dick at the UN.
Dave is our only hope
The hopes of the British people is that Dave sorts out the shit Brown has dropped the whole county in. He has to deport FUCKING ALL NON EUROPEAN FUCKERS (namely the muslims, make loads of windmills so Britian can tell the French to fuck off, and not buy POWAH from them, and finally sterilize the entire population of Britian's council estates to kill of chav's.
If Dave fails these tasks(oops, too late), oh there will be blood, lots of blood and beer, as the entire population of Britian will decide to vote BNP and Nick Griffin.
David Cameron on Twitter
External links
- Proof Cameron was a member of the posh, elitist 'Bullingdon Dining Club' whilst at Oxford university
