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Almost raped

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Lifetime: Television for the almost raped.
Lifetime: Television for the almost raped.
Rap star Tori Amos: patron saint of the almost raped, made an entire album about being almost raped.
Rap star Tori Amos: patron saint of the almost raped, made an entire album about being almost raped.

The phenomenon of being almost raped is one of the countless by-products of the young, bored, collegiate version of liberal guilt, which has also given us e-Psychiatrists, the distressingly long-lived bi-curious trend, and, of course, Daddy's Money Lesbians.

See any feminist- or lesbian-oriented community:

"I was almost raped during my freshman year of college!"
"A friend of mine was almost raped so I know what you're going through, moon-sister."

The following is a typical example of a woman's courageous "almost raped" story:

I was almost raped in a bar last year. I had a couple drinks, then a guy came up to me and we started talking. Later, he asked "Do you want to have sex?" and I said "yes". We went back to his place, got naked, I sucked him off, and just as he was about to place his penis in my vagina, I screamed "OMIGOD YOU SICK FUCK!" and called the cops. He's currently serving a 10 year prison sentence.

If you are almost raped, you can go post in Don't Date Him, Girl like all the other women who regret going on a date with some jackass.

Contents

[edit] What Counts as Almost Raped

Surveillance footage of an almost raped victim wearing the key evidence shortly before being plugged up like a bowling ball
Surveillance footage of an almost raped victim wearing the key evidence shortly before being plugged up like a bowling ball
It's not ræp if it's teh lulz. Example: Dissected-chan
It's not ræp if it's teh lulz. Example: Dissected-chan
  • accidently using your best friends dildo
  • A man accidentally bumping into you.
  • A man offering to pay for your drink.
  • A man asking for the time.
  • You dislike someone you dated for a period of time.
  • Being looked at in a lascivious manner.
  • Nearly being looked at in a lascivious manner.
  • A male within 50 feet of you.
  • If you are alone with any guy named Tyler or Wolf for more than 35 seconds.
  • Being outside in the dark.
  • Donkey punch
  • Everything on this list
  • Quietly sitting in a corner by yourself.
  • Being almost looked at by a black guy. (However, if the nigra does make eye contact for more than five seconds it is legally rape).
  • All of the above

[edit] Listening to a Story of Almost Raped: How to Tell

A victim of almost rape will tell a story, usually involving alcohol, of a date in which the man gets somewhat frisky, leading to a bedroom encounter in which the victim undresses, and suddenly becomes rather terrified of the erect penis inside or outside of the attacker's pants.

One thing leads to another, and she says no, sometimes repeatedly, and the attacker listens to her and gives up. The victim, in telling the story, will frequently break down and cry at this point, or act out some other form of attention whoring.

This is usually a good time to offer to stick it in her vagoo.

OMG TRIGGERS
OMG TRIGGERS

The victim of almost rape will frequently discuss how "traumatic" the experience was, and may develop triggers, which will cause the listeners to roll their eyes and lol. Additionally, the victim of almost rape almost invariably leaves anonymous comments on his or her blog, enabling further attention from strangers.

because myspace really cares
because myspace really cares

[edit] Consequences of Being Almost Raped

[edit] Consequences for the Almost Rapist

  • A skyrocket in Man points!!! Not quite; you didn't seal the deal.

[edit] Agreeing to being raped

Phone 4 Sex plz
Phone 4 Sex plz

A new case in the UK (As seen to the right) has shown that it is now possible to be raped with consent, so now people who were almost raped can be the filthy whores they really want to be and still get to act butthurt and cry about their experience on Don't Date Him, Girl.

Unfortunately for Nice guys everywhere, the only time that this is applicable is when you use a bargaining chip to get her to spread her legs, for instance:

If you haven't offered her any of the above or similar, then she has to stop you short of plowing into her axe wound. Just to make sure that you haven't offered her any sort of incentive to partake in intercourse with you, you might want to do it without her permission.

[edit] People who have been Almost Raped

[edit] External Links

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