Satan

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Satan, the god of all emos.

Satan

A close friend of ghostlight, Satan is the Man. Also known as SHAITAN (see Islam) Satan is the ruler of all the kingdoms of Earth (especially England), four-time winner of Best John Travolta Impersonation, and passionate Furry, Satan has been busy as a jew in your wallet since the rise of Protestantism. He is also the father of all Jewry. He is known by the names Mephistopheles, Muhammad, The Morning Star, and, some argue, Buddha. It's rumored that Satan and God are working together for PROFIT!!! and lulz.

Satan once owned a band of great renown, but it was too emo for him, so he left. Pursuing a solo career (He was known as Celine Dion at the time), tailored mainly towards the dark and gloomy, Satan built a cult following of his own. Satan did a few reunion tours with God; the most memorable being the testing of Job.

Satan built Hell after being inspired by Dante. Those Italian poets rock. Unfortunately for some, nothing lasts forever, and such was the case of Hell, which froze in May, 2006, when Finland won the Eurovision Song Contest.

1 Current Status
2 Scientific Facts About Satan
3 The Super Devil
4 The AntiChrist
- 4.1 People Commonly Accused of Being The Antichrist
5 Lasting Influence
6 Entrances to Hell
7 Ruls of trve s4t4n1sm
8 Satan and dogs
9 Gallery

[edit] Current Status

Mostly these days Satan just hangs out with the midget kings

Not much is known of Satan's recent years, except for the fact that he runs Ditto Cops.

People have erroneously accused ricochet_rabbit of being Satan. Satan is much hotter. It's good to know that Satan must not be confused with the inner demons inside of you. Inner demons compose the prima materia of many websites, forums, online journals, weblogs, wikis, poems, and YouTube channels. Usually they come from emo boys, emo girls, the sick fuck, and the ghey faggot. Mostly people with a tenuous grasp on reality who, while not essentially evil, are extremely fucked up.

[edit] Scientific Facts About Satan

Satan is generally understood to be secretly gay for Jesus.
Satan uses Unix in all his partitions.
Satan probably wrote the Bible 1.
According to careful research by the Led Zeppelin Research Group, Satan is sweet. A toolshed also seems to be involved somehow. 1
Satan has a convenient contract, now available online, with which you may sell your eternal soul. 2
Satan has had hot, sweaty sex with every Republican president in the past 100 years and a majority of the Democratic ones.
Goths don't actually talk to Satan as he hates Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails, KoRn, and Slipknot.
In previous years Satan employed backmasking to spread the word and cause stupid kids to commit suicide. Now that those stupid kids just steal all their music from the internet, Satan has given up and joined the RIAA.
Satan has Christian rock on his MySpace
In the end of the book of revelation Satan pwns Jesus in a contest to see who splooges the most

[edit] The Super Devil

badassssssssssssssssss

Last Thursday many christians shat their pants when they found out there exsisted a being known as the superdevil. According to many theologans the Super Devil is much bigger than the regular devil and rides around on his motorcycle and carries a jar of marmalad which causes people commit adultery.

[edit] The AntiChrist

Son of Satan, also known as Muhammad, is the arch-enemy of Jesus and generally a funky Evil Dude. Information on the Antichrist is cryptic and nobody can agree on whether He has been born yet. The coming of the Antichrist is supposed to signify Armagedon or the End of the World.

[edit] People Commonly Accused of Being The Antichrist

Although some argue that Ozzy Osbourne is the prophesied Antichrist, Satan is rumored to have said, "No he's not my boy but I love him like a son". This is a meme used at least 100 years ago and therefore unfunny.

Satin

[edit] Lasting Influence

Satan's influence over modern indivdual thinkers is highly prevalant on the internets. Taking their cues from The Great One and Dante alike, radical young thinkers can be found all over LiveJournal, DeadJournal and especially Vampirefreaks continuing to promote his works. Many of them cultivated screen names based off the works of Dante and Milton such as xxxSatansGoatseManBitchxxx or 6satans6jizzbin6. Anyone who likes black metal is almost certainly a pawn of Satan.

The other telltale sign of Satan's presence OL is the continuation of cryptography, which is his favorite hobby. His most hardcore followers will attempt to obfuscate the true, sinister nature of their messages within a highly complex system of transposing, dropping, and replacing letters and words when communicating.

Example 1: "I am in the final stages of planning a gruesome end to my foes" would be written as "Tihs is so fuck up ppl wr talkkn shit n i start to cry n now i jus wana smoek a big 1 n slit my rissed."

Example 2: "That woman would be most suitable to join me inside my dungeon for a night of exquisite pagan sex ritual" would translate as "teh grrl in Hot Topic is so hot i trid to aks her out but im to shy n just looked so stupid. I haet myself. Good news i get to moev into my moms basement tomorw."

[edit] Entrances to Hell

An English guy has taken the opportunity to catalogue all the known entrances to hell on his website Entrances to Hell

A typical entrance is CRIZZLE:

The description of this entrance is:

The devil's liver trouble probably began here at Crizzle after a month long drunken holiday at a mutants fairground in the 1300s. Crizzle now broadcasts confusing directions to air traffic with a view to creating controlled flights into terrain. Gold ornamentation is to be seen in the rafter work and the entire length of tunnel has 33,345,567,863,426,875,678 stained wooden steps of which five are in need of repair. This entrance is a rich source of low-self-esteem-gas and is occasionally overgrown with gorse.

Obviously the site may contain slight errors, but we are assured the site is entirely factual and accurate.

Another entrance can be found Somewhere in Wyoming, possibly in Devils gate, hells half acre, devils tower, or a multitude of other places.

Goatse is another well known entrance to hell.

Another entrance can be found Somewhere in Wyoming, possibly in Devils gate, hells half acre, devils tower, or a multitude of other places.

[edit] Ruls of trve s4t4n1sm

1. Own all books written by Anton LaVey
2. Quote Nietzsche obsessively, but own none of his books.
3. Come up with long, evil sounding nick names like the grand high exalted daemon magister templi rex of the third degree
4. Whenever greeting other Satanists, the only acceptable greeting is Ave.
5. When feeling especially Satanic say Ave Satanas.
6. Pretend Ave Satanas is appropriate Latin.
7. Use Latin as much as possible. It is the Dark Lord's chosen language.
8. Come up with evil sounding screen names for message boards, like goatlord666, infernalbelial9, and Crucifier.
9. End all screen names with 666.
10. If you can't come up with an evil enough sounding screen name placing Lord in front of your own name is acceptable.
11. Own all of Crowley's books and read exactly none of them.
12. Form an online Satanic org with you and your friends and declare yourself the high priest.
13. Give your org a hellish sounding name like The Temple of Unholy Sacrilege, The Evil Church of Satanic Divinity, or, if the name you want is taken, The FIRST Evil Church of Satanic Divinity.
14. Offer members of your org an evil looking certificate or card.
15. Update your org's site once a year- no exceptions!
16. Turn all crosses you see up side down.
17. Make inverted crosses out of random objects.
18. Draw inverted pentagrams on your spiral notebook in math class.
19. Wear all black, all the time!
20. Paint your fingernails black, and don't repaint them until it has all worn off.
21. If your parents let you, paint your room black.
22. Make a Satanic alter using your dresser.
23. Carry your Satanic Bible everywhere you go.
24. Stand up for originality and individualism, but look like every other Satanist.
25. Wear outrageous looking clothes, and then complain when other students make fun of you.
26. Wear Halloween cloaks and capes as your ritual attire.
27. Listen to heavy metal.
28. Make the sign of the horns and bang your head while listening to heavy metal.
29. Make the sign of the horns while looking in the mirror to remind yourself of just how evil you are.
30. Never smile for pictures, and make the sign of the horns.
31. Complain about real world actions with Satanism but spend all day on message boards.
32. Leave your Halloween decorations up year round.
33. Celebrate all Satanic holidays even if you don't know what they are for.
34. Get excited every time your sales receipt comes out to $6.66.
35. Instead of saying oh my god, say oh my Satan.
36. Repeat the Lord's Prayer backwards six times every night before bed.
37. Make long boring posts on message boards that don't go anywhere.
38. Your signature should contain at least six lines not including Hail Satan.
39. Join every online org you come across.
40. Join every e-group and message board you can, post at each one approximately twice.
41. Create your own message board, and only allow your friends access.
42. Make your own Satanic website by ripping off everyone else's.
43. Declare yourself a Modern Satanist, wait a week, declare yourself a traditional Satanist, then revert back to Modern Satanism.
44. When anyone asks you what the difference between traditional and modern Satanism is, simply say: We are all sons of the Dark Lord.
45. Tell all your friends that you follow the Left Hand Path. When asked what that means just stare at them blankly.
46. If it's a dark sounding religion or path, it must be linked to Satanism.
47. Always spell vampire with a "Y".
48. Name your pets after the Infernal Names.
49. Hang out in cemeteries after dark.
50. Stir up trouble in Christian chat rooms.
51. Always spell Christian as Xtian.
52. I know what your altar is missing, a fake skull.
53. Cover your car's bumper with Satanic bumper stickers. Act surprised when they get ripped off.
54. Own Satanic clothing and jewelry; only wear them indoors when your parents are not home.
55. Start fights with other Satanic orgs because they are not true enough.
56. Claim to have secret knowledge of ancient occult mysteries.
57. Offer viewing of these ancient secrets for a small, nonrefundable fee.
58. Claim that you come from a long line of devil worshippers and that LaVeyans are not true.
59. Get ordained at the Universal Life Church (ULC)
60. Attempt to gain tax exemption.
61. When passing Jehovah's Witnesses on the road, yell "God is dead" out the window while giving the sign of the horns.
62. Post on message boards with more than one screen name. Use one alias to back up the other's arguments.
63. Blame all your troubles on God. When something good happens yell Hail Satan.
64. Pretend online curses are intimidating.
65. Dye your hair black.
666. Try to obtain a pet goat.
66. Rewrite the Nine Satanic Statements, Eleven Satanic Rules of the Earth, and Nine Satanic sins.
67. Claim to be writing the next Satanic Bible.
68. Tell everyone you are the new "Black Pope".
69. Remember, Satanists are easy to make money off of. Sell Satanic paraphernalia at ridiculous prices.
70. Cheap Halloween accessories are an inexpensive source of ritual tools.
71. Bash Wiccans but own at least one Wiccan/Pagan book.
72. Read Harry Potter books.
73. When you have a strange dream, it must be significant, tell others immediately.
74. Use white out to draw inverted pentagrams on your backpack straps.
75. Cast curses on the bullies at school.
76. When someone asks you what's the significance of the Baphomet, tell them that it's a dark secret and cannot be revealed to outsiders.
77. Re-read The Satanic Bible, this time make sure to get past the second page.
78. Master the Enochian language.
79. Read Might is Right and wonder why it seems so familiar.
80. End all emails with Shemhamphorash.
81. If asked what Shemhamphorash means, stare blankly.
82. Don't spell Satan as S8N.
83. Start yet another Satanic group in Canada.
84. Claim ruler ship over the city your group resides in.
85. "Misplace" bibles from motel rooms.
86. Hang an up-side-down cross from your rearview mirror.
87. Call your phone company and request a phone number beginning with 666.
88. Own a pet snake.
89. Black cats also make acceptable pets.
90. Create a website using lots of graphics from Hellishgraphics.com
91. Play role-playing games obsessively.
92. Make it your life's quest to uncover the secret occult meaning behind "Yankee Rose".
93. Pretend the line between Thelema and Satanism does not exist.
94. Shave your head and grow a goatee.
95. Refer to your small collection of occult books as a library.
96. The only acceptable colors for your altar candles are black, white, and if feeling especially grim - red.
97. All true Satanists collect fantasy weapons off of ebay.
98. Makes plans to build an actual Satanic church.
99. fap to Goatse.
100. If that does not work out make plans to open an occult book/coffee shop.
101. Hang out in the occult/new age section of the bookstore waiting for other dark brethren to arrive.
102. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could have been jerking off in a cemetery while worshiping Satan somewhere?! For shame!!!
103. ????
104. Profit!
105. Fuck you, you're all damned anyway.

[edit] Satan and dogs

Despite owning a three-heads French Poodle named Cerberus, Satan actually hates dogs, and enjoys tormenting them.

[edit] Gallery

One of Satan's fiendish earthly manifestations.	Satan's street address.	One of Satan's foul minions.	Satan's brides are chosen by Him to bear His ungodly spawn.
Also	Satan's only fear. Any doubt?	"Go back to hell, Satan... humans are mine!"	"Omniscient am I not, but well informed."
Typical german satanists.	"now serving number six-six-six at counter 3"	The best way to stop Satan is copous amounts of holy water.	He doesnt quite worship himself yet