Dr. Scott A. Johnson

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

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The man himself.

If you think you've known the height of preachy, asinine pricks, you have never had the fortune of acquainting yourself with the sexist, gay-bashing, sanctimonious, tin-foil hat-wearing, conspiracy spewing, Obama-hating, Harry Potter burning, heretical, child-beating, all-knowing, Catholic-Jew-Muslim-Buddhist-pagan-protestant-anything damning, chiropractor / alien expert / "watchman" Dr. Scott A. Johnson (account suspended), think again.

Personal Life

Not much is known about Scotty himself as he hides behind bio-less profiles on YouTube and his website, Sermon Audio. What is known is that he lives in Fort Myers, Florida, was divorced from a wife of whom he says, "does not have a submissive bone in her body", is busily brainwashing and beating his daughter, Taylor, a little girl whose questions he cuts off and snarls at ("Taylor, I'm recording!" or "Taylor, sit like a lady!") before bragging about how submissive she is because of his excellent parenting skills, (which include beating his daughter and encouraging her to pray for gays to die before they "drag others to hell") and bashing his "unsaved" parents who do such blasphemous sins like watching Oprah or doing yoga. There is also his sister, another batshit insane chiropractor who "heals" people's backs by holding herbs up to their muscles and asking the muscles if they want whatever she's holding up. Although Scotty could be incredibly rich and famous as he claims, he generously doesn't make money as proof of how humble and important he really is. Scott's father recently died, and his sermon on the subject revealed previously unknown details about his family life and childhood. Apparently Scott's dad Bob Johnson was a very violent man who started fights in traffic and introduced young Scott to the Patriot Movement, which currently associates itself with Paultards. Scott's dad died of heart disease after a long struggle of butthurtness resulting from a failed attempt to sell his design for a fan to a company that was making similar fans 60 years ago. Scott was a big fan of Iron Maiden back in the day, when he attended a Catholic high school.

Other notable events in his life involve participating in the Mr. Atlanta bodybuilding competition in the early nineties, busting a Senator for being a filthy adulterer, going on a fourteen city tour to talk about Bird Flu that he mentions over 9000 times, buying the bible on CD and playing it in his house TWENTY FOUR SEVEN, personally driving the Angel of Death away from him when he woke up one night (obviously not understanding the concept of "hangover"), filling a bathtub with ashes and rolling around in it while bawling.

Fantasy Life

Scotty has a welfare of treasured beliefs held close to his heart and shoved repeatedly and forcefully down the throat of any poor shit who happens across his senseless rambling. Click on any one of his sermons and you'll hear these gems. It doesn't matter which one you choose- he has a million and he says the same thing in practically all of them. Here's an abridged list:

Scotty on God

Everything in the Bible (only the King James version - all other versions are cursed) happened exactly as written. Scott accepts only the King James Version of the Bible with British spellings ("Savior" has six letters and is therefore evil; it should be spelled "Saviour", with the "u" in there).
Angels got horny for human women thousands of years ago and fucked them, creating angel-human hybrid giants that are still around - they're just damn sneaky.
Nordic people are all satanic and automatically damned.
99% of the world is born wicked and are automatically damned and need to die.
If your great grandpa masturbated, you're gonna have to pay for it.
Women shouldn't be doctors or teachers as they're inferior and should submit themselves like the bitch-slaves they are. Okay, this one ~~may be~~ is true.
The commandment about keeping the Sabbath doesn't matter because he doesn't like it.
The commandment in the bible against divorce doesn't matter because he doesn't like it - so his divorce doesn't count.
Whenever there's something he doesn't like, he says, "Well, we're not under Levitical law right now," despite quoting "I am God; I changeth not." for stuff he does like.
It's worse to make out with the member of the same sex than to rape someone of the opposite sex. Go figure.
Scotty's allowed to judge people because there's a verse somewhere that says the righteous, pure of heart can. Ho boy.
"Hate crime" (including kicking homos out of stores and restaurants) against gays are justified because those silly fags will just drag people to hell anyway.
God really loves it when you scream at him while praying to punish people you don't like.
When he says something that reveals he's a bigot and homophobe, he can immediately retain his godliness by saying, "I'm not a bigot or a homophobe." Because if he says it, it is.
Pride is the greatest of sins and everyone else should be ashamed. O RLY.
Actually, Scotty's "preaching to himself as much as I am all of you" which allows him to be the sinless image of perfection because when he contradicts himself, he wins... what?
Listening to music with drums in it is demonic, even though he uses music with drums IN HIS OWN VIDEOS.
He does his whole ministry himself. Him. Scott A. Johnson. Sorry if he's too busy to reply right away, fans, after all, one man can only do so much. There used to be a guy named Doug who commented (never into the mic) from time to time, but Doug hasn't appeared in a while now. There's also his daughter and a woman named Nonetta

Scotty on Science

Your Meyers/Tolkien/C.S.S. Lewis/any popular books will physically curse your house.
The cute, fluffy Easter bunny is a fornicating pagan.
Whenever a jet leaves a trail across the sky, it's actually a cloud of mind-controlling chemicals being sprayed on the unsuspecting public. Curiously, every time he prays against the cloud it dissolves in five minutes, 3 if it's windy. MIRACLE MAN!
Your television is tracking you and can tell the government where you are.
Aliens (angels in disguise of course) are playing out a gigantic "good cop"/"bad cop" routine with the government.
Bird Flu will wipe out 95% of the world's population.
Vaccines are just liquefied babies and monkey parts.
You can cure cancer by eating muffins (delicious!).
Your toothpaste is controlling your mind and lowering your 'resistance.' To what he has yet to say.
They've already invented: holograms, mind-control receptors, weather control devices, limitless energy sources, and cures for every disease. "They" are unavailable for comment.
Kyle XY is a prediction of the future.
Colloidal silver can cure a broken heart.

Scotty on Politics

Scotty personally exposed a senator who was cheating on his wife. Wait. Actually he just stood outside the senator's house and wished (wished hard!) for him to die until the scandal broke on its own.
George Bush was steering Hurricane Katrina.
George Bush will declare martial law and will become a dictator before the end of his term.
Hilary Clinton will win the white house.
Obama will declare martial law and become a dictator before the end of his term.
Obama is an illegal immigrant (therefore depraved and immoral) Muslim.
2009 is "the year".

Scott v Pedobear

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Gentlemen, he's onto us.

Scott's YouTube Vide--OH GOD THE BOREDOM

Sermon Footage

“	Dr. Scott Johnson came to Belleview Florida to our Preparedness meeting and shared with us some amazing information that if you do not know, you will be sorry for it. Did you think those white lines in the sky were clouds formed by airplanes? Do you know what is in them? Do you take vitimins and think you are getting something out of them? You might be surprised. Dr. Johnson knowledge on these and many other subjects can not be simply dismissed. You need to research and prepare yourself.	„
— freedomsdomain.com

Real Life

As many lulzy fairy tales this man comes up with, it's virtually impossible to hurt his godly ego. Being a rabid masochist, he rants repeatedly about the dream of having his YouTube videos taken down, warning people to save his 'teachings' on external hard drives (remember to unplug them from the computer!) in case Obama hacks your PC and deletes his disgusted strings of "ugh... oh man"s over seeing manly lesbians in public. He's so important; surely the government's watching him reveal all their secret plans - however, Obama's too busy planning to replace all money with a microchip and merging Mexico and Canada to notice how incredible and right Scott is.

Scott also frequently fantasizes about being important enough to be beheaded and his rewards in heaven for being a stupid douchebag.

He's guaranteed to respond to any negative comments with either a sarcastic insult or one of his favorite bible verses, which always means just what he wants it to. After all, he says Lot, a man who offered his virgin daughters up to a drunken mob to be gang-raped and who later fucked them himself when he was drunk, is righteous because the bible says so but he has no idea how to defend it.

Scotty in his Own Words

“	If a man lies with a man, how can he have a baby?	„
—Scotty is a doctor. Seriously he is.

“	The thing about the homosexuals and the sodomites... their true colors come out so easy. You know why? Because they're so stinkin' demon possessed to the toenails because you gotta be to participate in that lifestyle, I mean you gotta be.	„
—Scotty on how being fabulous is sinfully awesome