Doctor Who

From Encyclopedia Dramatica

Doctor Who is a British science fiction TV series that's been both a source of merchandising success and professional embarrassment to the BBC. Doctor Who is to the British what Star Trek is to Americans; something for asexual geeks to masturbate to in lieu of finding a real life and having at least a chance of reproducing. Since the show is British it therefore has mildly better acting but with moar fucked up teeth. If one had to sum up the appeal of Doctor Who, one would have to describe it as the dullest show evar made - even compared to the webcast PowerPoint anime starring Withnail and the universally acclaimed USAnian movie.

Contents 1 Plot 2 What's In A Name? 3 Regeneration 4 The JFK Connection 5 Homosexuality and Doctor Who 6 Fanboism 7 Doctor Who Characters 7.1 The 57 Doctors 7.2 Companions And Playtoys 7.3 Master Who 7.4 The Daleks 7.5 Davros 7.6 The Cybermen 7.7 The Cybermon 7.8 Rani Who 7.9 WOTAN 7.10 Omega 7.11 Those Responsible For This Particular Act Of Atrocity 8 Some Classic IRL drama 9 External Links

[edit] Plot

The show is about Doctor Who, a Time Lord who can be best described as a crazy outer space version of Sherlock Holmes. He flies around in a Portaloo gatecrashing alien orgies with his entourage, who are called "companions", "assistants", "UNIT", "Adric", "Mel" and "Martha" in order of competence and sexual appeal. Other episodes are about confusing viewers about famous historical facts, much in the same way Hillary Clinton denies she voted for Gulf War II.

[edit] What's In A Name?

The name of the protagonist IS "Doctor Who", NOT "the Doctor". Calling him "the Doctor" will almost always result in gay pouring petrol onto the offender and throwing a lit match. Therefore it must be done as often as possible.

[edit] Regeneration

According to Godwin's Law, as a season of Doctor Who approaches the end, the probability of the actor quitting the job approaches One as they get offers for better roles or realising that their professional image has been completely nuked by being associated with the show. As a result, the lead actor usually gets replaced approximately every five episodes. To deal with this an in-story explanation was given in the form of "Regenerations"; essentially speaking, when the Doctor dies, he glows like a Christmas tree and morphs into another Crossroads reject.

[edit] The JFK Connection

The show premiered on BBC 1 on November 23rd, 1963, less than a day after John F. Kennedy became an hero at the hands of Lee Harvey Oswald. Prior to this, all BBC programming since 1066 had been dedicated to coverage of the assassination, and most British viewers tuned in because they were already glued to the set waiting to see if JFK was still dead. The coincidence of the show's premier and the assassination prompted Oliver Stone to believe there was some sort of conspiracy going on. Although Stone could find no evidence, his research, along with several dozen lines of cocaine and a syringe or two of pure heroin with no talc cut, led to the movie JFK some 30 years later.

[edit] Homosexuality and Doctor Who

Although everyone knows that the series began as a covert operation to promote faggotry among British kids it was foiled by a tradition instituted by William Hartnell when he deflowered Carole Ann Ford onscreen during the live broadcast of The Rim of Destruction. Successive Doctor Whos have honoured his memory by fucking every woman to appear on the show since. However it took until 2005 for Doctor Who to get him some of that sweet, sweet manloving. As soon as he met bisexual whore Captain Jack Harkness, the Doctor jumped at the chance to fuck the strapping young lad. Fortunately, when he regenerated shortly after getting laid, Doctor Who ran as far as possible from Jack rather than resume their relationship and spent several years avoiding his phone calls and even fled to the end of time to avoid Jack, who to this day wonders why the Doctor fucked him and ran away the next morning before he woke up.

[edit] Fanboism

Wanna have some fun with the Who Fanboys? Throw these stones at their glass TARDISes:

• Call the lead character "The Doctor" instead of "Doctor Who" . But you already knew that one.

• Say Colin Baker is the best actor to ever play Doctor Who.

• Say Sylvester McCoy is the coolest Doctor Who, even thoughout his entire tenure on the show plus a good ten plus years afterwords, fanboys hated him and blamed him for ruining the show.

• Claim that K-9 Mark II was better than K-9 Mark I or Mark III.

• Note that the Polarity of a Neutron Flow cannot be reversed.

• Patrick Troughton totally sucked ass as Doctor Who, because only two 30-second clips of his run exists.

• Liz Shaw and Jo Grant never existed and to say they are hotter than Sarah Jane Smith, Romana I, or Captain Jack is blasphemous.

• Master Who wants to bone Doctor Who, in particular the Fifth, Tenth and Third Doctor Whos. In that order. Actually, any mention of homoerotic subtext will rile fanboys.

• Say Rose Tyler was the only companion ever.

• Anyone who's a true fan realises that the show "Jumped The Shark" after Ian and Barbara left.

• Jelly Babies are gay.

• Refer to episodes and serials as pissmidgets. Don't explain why.

[edit] Doctor Who Characters

Of course, we cannot forget the people involved with the show and its fucktarded fandom... unless they aren't involved with lulz, in which case nobody gives a shit about them.

[edit] The 57 Doctors

• William Hartnell - First Doctor Who, back when the day when the writers had no fucking clue about who the character was and except that he had a time machine and a jailbait granddaughter whose teachers were stalking her. His version of the Doctor was a cranky old man who was always being a smart-ass and generally was a bitter cranky old man who no one would have hung out with if he had not owned a time machine. His era was broadcast live and is fondly remembered for the comedy occasions when he would soil himself, implore Susan not to take him back to the nursing home, rail incoherently against the blacks and spout meaningless gibberish that nobody could tell apart from the actual scripts. When the cure for Brain Rot Disease was discovered in the 70s he travelled back in time and destroyed many of these episodes to hide his shame and also to annoy his inflatable son Ian Levine.

• Patrick Troughton - Nobody really knows what his Doctor Who was like since the BBC burned half his episodes during a bad acid trip. Or maybe because the episodes looked like a bad acid trip. Who knows? They were burned so no one can tell now, ha ha! Anyway, the few episodes that survived showed that Troughton played a mean flute and beat the shit out of the Cybermen and Daleks. He also had a horny Scottish sidekick who wore a kilt, a young Victorian-era girl named (with the imagination for which Doctor Who was famous) Victoria who was forced upon him by the witness protection program when she was the only witness to the murder of her family by the Daleks, a future girl-genius named Zoe who was so boring her computer killed itself and thought Mozart was a "classical musician", and the Brigadier. It was at the end of Troughton's run that the writers finally decided to name his alien species (the Klingons) and had Doctor Who crawl back to his people in order to relocate several hundred kidnapped soldiers to their proper time.

• Jon Barrowman - A Popeye-wannabe who spent the bulk of his run as the Doctor stuck on Earth, due to the BBC refusing to pay for any more quarries. On the other hand, he got to hang out with the holy trinity of retro-Who babes (Miz Shaw, Ho Grant, and Lois Lane Smith). PLUS had the Brigadier as his sub. Was also the first Doctor to fight and fuck Master Who since Hartnell. Barrowman left the series in order to play a grouchy old scarecrow that was a knockoff of Oscar the Grouch.

• Tom Baker - Known in the US as "T3h SCARF D00D". A former bricklayer who had to become an actor when it became apparent that he couldn't lay bricks any better than he could lay women, Tom Baker is now completely forgotten throughout the world. Famous for his long scarf, bulging eyes, toothy grin, and wildly curly brown hair, he is now unrecognisable since he is now an insane, fat, drunk old fart with short, white hair and is reduced to doing voiceovers on Little Britain. Fucked, married, then divorced both Romanas simultaneously on and off-screen before divorcing them for Billie Piper.

• Peter Davidson (AND NOT DAVISON, DAMMIT) - Was actually a household name before becoming Doctor Wgo, thanks to his skill for sticking his hand up a cow's bum. A lisping, insipid and utterly talentless androgyne, his harem included a trio of babes (Nyssa, Turlough, and Peri, who he died saving), an annoying antipodean brat (Tegan), and a Wesley Crusher type who was constantly being put into bondage peril for the gay male (meaning the entire) audience to jack off to. Davison ultimately quit after Patrick Troughton pulled him aside and told him to quit after three days, with his final story having him sacrificing his life so that Peri's magnificent tits could live. However, Davidsons real life daughter (Georgia Moffett) recently appeared in the show as the Doctor's daughter, and as you can see here, she's worth a good poking.

• Colon Baker - Fatass whose portrayal of Doctor Who as a sarcastic, classless pompous asshole is generally viewed as the "jump the shark" point in the franchise's history. Not even Peri's tits could save his run as Doctor Who and he was fired from canon for sexually assaulting Maggie Stables. After a brief stint as the lead on Russian soap Anna Karenina he was forced by popular demand to retire and devote the rest of his life to his hobby of Monty Python reenactments. Was originally married to Tom Baker, although Colon's maiden name is unknown and frankly we don't wanna know. Recently died while performing his favourite scene, the Noel Coward Banquet Explosion from Monty Python and the Meaning of Life, at a benefit gig for his favourite fanzine, Tachyon TV. Only one person went to his funeral, where it was revealed that Baker was actually the twin brother *and* consensual lover of Gary Glitter. Other than two ditchdiggers, a trainspotting heroin junkie hooker, and two bums looking for a handout, nobody else showed up to watch Baker get dropped into the dirt nap hole, not even his rabbi.

• Sylvester McCoy - Scottish actor who played the final Doctor Who (#7) before the show was erased from history by popular demand. In his first year he was made to play the Doctor a la Colon Baker, as a bad-ass clown willing to blow up entire planets and manipulate anyone and everyone to get things done. He also got his own sidekick, Ace, a redneck neo-Nazi who hated gays and commies so much that she routinely hunted them down and killed them with her arsenal of pipe bombs. In his second year, he was allowed to create his own take on the character and fell asleep, followed by the audience. McCoy is also a lucky fuck due to fanboy revisionism: his three year run as Doctor Who was pretty much universally reviled when it first aired, but after ten years (and Paul McGann), fans decided to ignore McCoy's second two years and declare him Bad-Ass Juggalo Doctor Who #1 due to his actions in his first year.

• Paul McGann - Doctor Who for the revival in 1996 with a TV Movie that killed any hopes of a revival for the franchise for another 8 years. The first Doctor Who to pay extra to kiss a girl on the lips during sex, which of course upset the fangirls because they always wanted him to be a fudgepacker. As such, he is generally deemed to be worst Doctor Who ever by many fanboys who argue that even though Colin Baker was worse, at least Colin didn't kill the entire franchise dead after one story.

• Wayne Rooney - 9th Doctor Who and star of the first season of the series when it was resurrected. Looked like a skinhead soccer hooligan and shouted "FUCKING FANTASTIC!" every other sentence, due to him being fucked up in the head either due to the Time War or having chugged too many cans of Cyberman 10W30 Motor Oil. Rooney can become invisible at will, and is actually the one responsible for all that invisible buttsecks across the internet. Was the only Doctor Who with the balls to intentionally kill a giant face until David Tennant and the first Doctor Who to be paid extra to kiss a man. Left the series after one year because he got tired of Chris Evans asking to join in his wild donkey fornication sessions with Billie Piper.

• David Tennant - Tenth Doctor. A skinny idiot. Fangirls think he's sexy and traded in his white Mary Sue for a black Mary Sue picked out of the queue at Blockbusters. Even more hardcore than McCoy or Rooney, this Doctor would wipe out entire species and set up hellish prison cells onboard the Tardis for people who said his hair looked stupid, and as a result was named by Davros as "Mike Nelson, destroyer of worlds." He was held prisoner by Master Who, who turned him old when Tennant dared Master Who to make love to the first Doctor Who. In the finale of series 4, his wanking hand turned into a clone or some bullshit and the clone (named Handy, as in Jack) was sent to the Steelverse as a RealDoll for Rose. This actually happened. Also it's been confirmed in a BBC press release that Doctor Who is no longer allowed to wear clothes for the Christmas special and series 5, as pictured above. Rassilon help us all.

• Peter Cushing - known as the "Second and a Half Doctor Who". Starred in two cheap theatrical movies featuring some old fart claiming to be "the Doctor". Both were low-budget adaptations of the same Dalek episodes, and while the BBC made a lot of money off the films, the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts or RADA put Cushing on the Black List, which relegated him to shit roles in even shittier Dracula flicks featuring Christopher Lee. As final penance, Cushing was forced to accept a really shit role as Grand Moff Tarkin in George Lucas' first fourth Star Wars flick. However, due to the RADA punishment clauses, he was not eligible for any profit sharing should Lucas' film be a hit. This proved to be too much of an embarrassment, and Cushing dropped dead in shame while feeding pigeons in Picadilly Circus in the middle of rush hour traffic. His body wasn't picked up for three weeks.

• Richard Hurndall - Known as the "Phony Original Doctor Who". Fag British stock actor who took over a radio show originated by Edward R. Murrow during WWII. After pushing the acceptance of faggotry by the British to the limit by playing a gay antique dealer who tried to pick up Harold Steptoe in Steptoe and Son, he was relegated to bit parts until RADA punished him by making him play the First Doctor Who in the 25th Anniversary Special - William Hartnell had died of shame in 1975. Hurndall also died of the same shame at having lowered himself to playing one of the Doctor Whos, much less appearing on the show itself. Unlike Harnell, who lasted eight years after he left the show, Hurndall's shame was far greater, and he only lasted five months.

• Rowan Atkinson - AKA "Dr. WhoBean". Played the "9.25th Doctor" as part of a spoof for a Brit charity. Purportedly done as part of a public service requirement to clear Atkinson's record following his arrest for downloading kiddie porn featuring Princess Diana and Heath Ledger. Generally considered the more intelligent, serious portrayal of Doctor Who evah.

• Hugh Grant - Known to Whofans as "Dr. Who-re". Played Doctor Who in the same spoof as Rowan Atkinson. Also got two blowjobs from Joanna Lumley after the show. For fifty dollars each.

• Joanna Lumley - best known for playing a bimbo coke whore on Fagsolutely Fabulous in the 90's. Played the "13th Doctor Who" in that same spoof - called The Curse of the Show that Wouldn't Stay Dead or something like that - as Atkinson and Grant, only that she did the spoof voluntarily so that she could meet Grant. To this day Lumley thinks Grant gave her the $50.00 USD for cab fare, and that she gave him the two blowjobs as an act of appreciation for his acting penis.

In addition, there's a bunch of other untalented voice actors who've played Doctor Who on radio plays and audiobooks. These don't count, unless you want to rub it in the actors' faces for having prostituted themselves and thusly negated any artistic integrity they may have once had.

[edit] Companions And Playtoys

The Doctor dragged along numerous passengers on his TARDIS over the years. Most of them were lame at best, but some stood out as either being lamer than lame, or at least had looks, tits and ass worth sticking around the whole episode to see. Among the notables include the following:

• Susan Foreman - Depending on whether the Who fan you lower yourself to listen to is either of the people who read Lungbarrow, may or may not be his biological granddaughter. She later got left behind on another planet because she was so fucking wishy-washy. Carole Ann Ford played Susan, and subsequently retired from acting in order to get pregnant and barefoot as all British women want.

• Barbara Wright and Ian Chatterton - Played by Russel T. Davies and Jackie Tyler respectively, they were Susan's teachers at the school she attended while Doctor Who was hiding from the Nonce Squad on Earth. They were initially kidnapped by Doctor Who as punishment for stalking Susan and trying to convince her to have a sexy illegal underage threeway with them. But since Barbara and Ian were so fucking boring, they were kicked off the series when he dumped them back on Earth sixty years after they left, without an explanation as to where they'd been, or what happened to Susan's virginity. Thinly fictionalised analogues of Myra Hindley and Ian Brady.

• Jamie McCrimmon - Frazer Hines, having lost a bet over a soccer match, played a kilt-wearing Scot who came from the 1700s and was raised by cruel parents to play the bagpipes as part of the family band. Jumped at the chance at leaving his backwater hometown to travel through time and space with the Doctor Who, showing a remarkable ability to adapt to living in the future despite being from a time period without electricity and indoor toilets; the Doctor would regularly lay about his head with his recorder for relieving himself on the TARDIS console and defecating on Zoe's pillow like a senile, incontinent dog. Ultimately was mindraped by the Time Lords and sent back home, though later it was shown that he reunited with Doctor Who and his rape victim Victoria Wakefield and continued to fight evil until killed off by Grant Morrison.

• Zoe Heriot - A hot Mod Go-Go Chick from teh Far Future who was too fucking brainy for her own fucking good. Zoe was played by the then-shaggable Wendy Padbury, she became the Companion that fans were vehemently divided about. Half of them wanted to fuck her 5'0" brains out in all holes, the other half wanted to toss her out an airlock after they'd finished fucking all of her holes. She also got mindraped by the Time Lords when the Second Doctor Who got butthurt and exiled to Earth as the Third Doctor Who.

• Liz Shaw - The Third Doctor Who's first Companion, played by Caroline John. Liz was your typical bimbo-turned-scientific advisor assigned by UNIT to be the Doctor's assistant. Despite the fact that the only time Liz was interesting was when her Nazi dyke counterpart from a gay parallel world appeared on one episode. The *real* reason she left the series was that she was blind as a bat, and couldn't move -and- act without her glasses, which were about 1" thick and permanently smeared with Pertwee's Old Peculiar. With or without glasses, she wasn't all that attractive anyway.

• Jo Grant - Katy Manning once again gave the Who fanboys something sexy to masturbate to - a sexy, short blonde bimbo who was about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. Or, to put it another way, the type of shaggable babe that would never have *anything* to do with the average Doctor Who fan even if their life depended upon it. Jo wound up running off to the Amazon with some hippie scientist, which left room in the TARDIS for the Companion who would, three decades later, remain the most shaggable Companion of all...

• Sarah Jane Smith - Played by moth-eaten hagfish Elisabeth Sladen. An adventurous female reporter who became Kleenex to the third and fourth Doctor Whos, before Tom Baker accidentally got the poor girl fired by way of constantly bugging the writers to let him do a serial without a sidekick. Returned for the 2005 revival series as a decrepit crone who still made fanboys cum while screaming "GRANNY! GRANNY!!!!!!" Was ultimately given her own spinoff show as a GILF with one foot and four toes in the grave, drooling over an assortment of underage children and regretting her vow to save her virginity for her imaginary alien boyfriend.

• Leela - The Tits & Ass Cavegirl who replaced Sarah Jane Smith. Like Nicola Bryant some years later, Louise Jameson was hired for her tits and ass and willingness to play a murderous cavegirl dressed only in an animal skin bikini, who the Fourth Doctor Who tries to civilize. Leela's culture obliged her to leave Doctor Who in order to shack up with a guard she met on Gallifrey after she forced him at knife-point to masturbate to a picture of '70s Porn Colin (as pictured above). According to the spin-off books, Leela eventually murders her boyfriend two hours after Doctor Who left and she becomes Romana's lesbian lover before God strikes her blind for spying jealously on Doctor Who and Romana getting it on and was killed off during the Time Wars. NOTE: Not to be confused Leela, the purple haired cyclops played by Peggy Bundy on Futurama.

• Julius Romana - An actress of no particular talent save for the ability to fill a dress remarkably well, Mary Tamm played the first version of Romana, an upper-class snob/over-achiever rookie Time Lord assigned to Doctor Who to help him recover the McGuffin known as "The Key to Time". Despite or perhaps because of her great chemistry with Tom Baker, Mary Tamm quit the show after a single season when he got her pregnant, although the child denies either Tamm or Baker were the parents.

• Augustus Romana - The second Romana was less of a ball-breaking bitch than the original Romana, and was actually better looking once you got past her Joker-sized teeth. Lalla Ward was extremely shaggable, and as luck would have it she got ruined when she began fucking Tom Baker in real life. She ultimately married him and left the show due to some bullshit RADA rule that said actors can't fuck one another and stay on the same show if they're married. Romana II and K-9 went to live in an alternate reality, and were never heard from again until the British tabloids picked up on the divorce story and the "irreconcilable differences" - Baker loved getting head, and Ward wouldn't let him remove her excessively large teeth with pliers to streamline suction access. In the spin-off books, Romana II came back to Gallifrey and became President. Doctor Who ultimately blew up the planet when she denied him a divorce so he could marry Rose and was subsequently tormented by the guilt of killing the many innocent Daleks who were on vacation there at the time.

• Nyssa of Trakken - With both Romanas pregnant and kicked off the TARDIS, the Doctor Who needed a new fucktoy. Much to the delight of the younger fanboys of a mere sixty or so and the indifference of the children they kept chained up in the cellar, he picked up Nyssa. Sarah Sutton was actually of legal age when she played Nyssa, but looked young enough to turn on the adolescents just learning what to do with their John Thomases for relaxation and release. While she may have been a paedophile's wet dream, she made the BBC censors a bit nervous, and a second, slightly older female companion was soon to be picked up as most of the Doctor's companions tend to be acquired - kidnapped and seduced with the assistance of Stockholm syndrome and handcuffs.

• Tegan Jovanka - It wasn't until the Fifth Doctor Who arrived that the show was given a second female companion, one who served two purposes: to allow male Who fanboys to masturbate to companion with a "pleasant boyishness", and to make fun of Australians. Janet Fielding played Tegan as a typical Stewardess Bimbo from Oz to such perfection that no other screen actor managed to duplicate the accuracy until Yahoo Serious played Young Einstein. Tegan was actually kicked off the TARDIS twice; the first time for being stupid and missing the TARDIS when it left, the second time because she became a chickenshit bimbo and was too scared to continue fucking around the universe with Doctor Who. Actress Janet Fielding was the first South African to undergo female-to-male gender reassignment therapy.

• Adric - Matthew Waterhouse was a kid actor who pissed off someone at RADA, and was forced to play Adric, an alien who wound up being the prototype for Wesley Crusher. Unlike Crusher, Adric was killed by the Wu-Tang Clan in an exploding space freighter that also ended up killing off the entire fanbase of the original series (both of them) and other dinosaurs. His death haunted the Fifth Doctor Who mainly because John Nathan-Turner wanted Nyssa to die instead but got overruled by Davison, who really didn't like Waterhouse's constant bitching that Tom Baker was a better actor than Davison and the fact that he was fucking Sarah "Nyssa" Sutton off-camera.

• Turlough - Punk was dying, but nobody told the BBC or John Nathan Turner. Though Mark Strickson didn't have spiky hair or safety pins through his nostrils, it was obvious he was based on the type of punkassed British schoolboy that devolved into the likes of Johnny Rotten. With Punk dead and the character really droll and uninteresting (and fanboys realising that they were masturbating to skinny redheaded twink), Turlough was sent off to whatever planet he hailed from to return as a draft dodger of some sort. According to the spinoff books, Turlough later went on to have a successful career in porno, specializing in gay bondage in honour of his travels with Doctor Who.

• Perpugilliam "Peri" Brown - As mentioned earlier, Nicola Bryant played the companion with the biggest tits before John Pertwee. Peri was the first American companion, despite being played by a Brit, and her name was a source of embarrassment for American fans because not even John Nathan Turner could explain where the name "Perpugilliam" came from. The character grew lamer as her stay on the TARDIS progressed, so she was killed off when Ian Levine transferred her mind into her body, only to be brought back for Doctor Who to force her into an arranged marriage with a warlord at gunpoint. NOTE: The lameness of this Companion is probably best exemplified by the fact that not even the Wikipaedos have allowed an article for the character to be created over on TOW.

• Melanie "Mel" Bush - Established Brit lulzmistress Bonnie Langford played an ultra-annoying vegan exercise freak/computer programmer who was actually an inbred cousin of George W. Bush. So annoying, that we never saw how she became the Sixth Doctor Who's companion and that the Seventh Doctor Who put the psychic whammy on her to make her leave him for a no-good conman with a heart of gold.

• Ace - Sophie Aldred played fat bulldyke neo-Nazi Dorothy "Ace" (No-Last-Name-Given), a lezbo look-alike for Alf Moyet of Yazoo with no discernable talents whatsoever save for her explosive flatulence. She was the Seventh Doctor Who's companion who just happened to be descended from a gay Viking who died getting butthurt by a werewolf or something. Like Peri Brown, Ace was so fucking lame that her final fate was never revealed before the original series was put out of its misery in 1989. The BBC, though, found out there were a few fuckwits fapping to her and even more fapping to the father-daughter thing she had going with the Doctor. To put a stop to both, they commissioned a series of books where she became about as ugly as a Deep South policewoman, told the Doctor to piss off, and pretty much word-for-word copied his bit, but kept her jurisdiction to a few hundred years on Earth instead of over the entirety of time and space because she also became a huge pussy.

• Rose Tyler - Billie Piper - Known to many as the Britney Spears of England - was a "singer" who had no vocal talents whatsoever. As Rose Tyler, Piper appeared on the show from 2005-2006, and shocked fans in both America and England for having the gall to think that she could share herself between two Doctor Whos, Jack Harkness, a black boyfriend and a short-lived computer geek with a modem in his forehead for a fucktoy. She was actually the one who killed Third Master Who Anthony Ainley and drank of his blood in a traditional English ceremony as part of a publicity stunt for her casting. Of course, the BBC doesn't want you to know that, which is what ED is for.

• Captain Jack Harkness - John Barrowman plays the first confirmed bisexual companion for Doctor Who. He appears in about half of the first year of the New Series, and wound up getting exiled to the spin-off series Torchwood. Harkness returned for Series Three in order to be dumped by Doctor Who all over again, as well as being chained up by third fourth Master, John Simm. Fanboys hate him for turning them on and fangirls can't have him because he is a 100% homosexual IRL. His character can never die no matter how hard homophobic fans wish, and will eventually become the billion-year old giant Face of Hillary Clinton, which might very well be the only time an editorially-mandated retcon was not decried by the fans.

• Martha Jones - Freema Agyeman played the first black evar. In the show's only successful casting decision ever, she was hired specifically to make Billie Piper look like a good actor. As she was the first black to appear on Doctor Who, the Doctor was amazed by the sight of a black person and spent her entire series making monkey noises and throwing bananas at her. When she compounded the ridicule attracted by her acting deficiency syndrome by making a crude drunken pass at Derek Jacobi on set while cameras were still rolling and endured the indignity of her bum being used as a socket for a spark-spewing livewire. Once sacked she took the opportunity to call show boss Davy T. Russell "a fat, Welsh, gay homosexual nancy boy fat homo queer" since "there's nothing more you can do to me now". Tragically she was wrong about this and Davy condemned her to appear in Torchwood for all eternity.

• Donna Noble - A loud, obnoxiously self-absorbed office worker who, one one Christmas special in 2006, ironically was saved on her wedding day by the Doctor from being fed to a giant alien spiderwoman by her fiance. The irony is that the character is 100% exactly like the actress performing the role, Catherine Tate. Since she's essentially playing herself, one must question whether this is is really acting. For some reason she is now slated to be a more permanent companion for the fourth year of the New Series. Gawd help us all.

Just How Gay Is Master Who? Here's Your Answer!

[edit] Master Who

Master Who is Doctor Who's "best enemy enema". Has been played by several actors who were either being punished by RADA, or were desperate for the work to keep from starving to death:

• Roger Delgado played the first confirmed appearance of Master Who. Delgado was John Barrowman's drinking buddy, and Barrowman got him the job so he could pay off his pub tab when Barrowman was cast as the Third Doctor Who. Died in Tibet after his car drove over a CLIFF! in 1979.

• Peter Pratt played the second version of Master Who, albeit posthumously. Pratt died of starvation while waiting outside the BBC offices for a casting call, and after having decomposed for several weeks was simply propped up and filmed as-is with no additional makeup necessary.

• Anthony Ainley (*snicker*) played the third fourth actor to play the villainous Master Who, but since the other guys never have been the source of any drama, nobody cares. Was forced to play Master Who as an over-the-top meterosexual who was constantly following around Peter Davison's Fifth Doctor Who. In 1997 he returned to playing Master Who in some shitty computer game, and after that returned to the convention circuit where he would flirt with his underage fangirls. He died in May 2004, leaving behind a million deranged fangirls who write bad slash fanfiction. He no longer has that rubbish beard. Nor do the fangirls desire his spunk in their hair.

• Eric Roberts Bisexual Husband of Julia Roberts, played Master Who in the Eighth Doctor Who's TV Movie. His character, a paramedic, was killed and taken over by Master Who after being orally raped by a snake made of three gallons of sperm-flavored Jell-O. Rod Stewart reportedly auditioned for this role when it was revealed through fandom how Master Who gets a new body, but declined the part when it was revealed that the "sperm snake" would be CGI and not real.

• John "Fatboy" Slimm plays Master Who in the New Series, who uses the totally gay pseudonym of "Mr Saxon". He stole all of Anthony Ainley's fangirls. Slimm's Master Who is possibly the best villain evar, because he has a soundboard so he can play background music to his life. At the end of his appearance, he gets shot by his wife and cremated like a fucking pussy.

[edit] The Daleks

The Daleks, a bunch of homicidal robots whose designs were stolen from a set of salt and pepper shakers, are arguably Doctor Who's worst enemy enema because they've been on more episodes of the series than Master Who. At the same time, some argue that the Daleks are totally gay. The truth can be found on Youtube. However, they were actually the beta version of the very not gay INTERNET HATE MACHINE: Daleks have a power level of over 9000 because they pwnd the shit out of the cybermen even though there were like a million of them.

In a recent DWM Magazine poll, the Daleks were voted to second place in a "what to get rid of..." poll, but the fans were disgusted to find that the number one spot was held by nothing! It's very likely that the reason people wanted to get rid of them is because they actually have the best lines in the entire series.

[edit] Davros

Davros was the creator of the Daleks. He later became the inspiration for Stephen Hawkings, chair, voice and all.

[edit] The Cybermen

The Cybermen were a bunch of lame-assed robots claiming to be cyborgs who could be killed by shoving gold dust down their windpipes. They look like rejects of Battle star galactica's cylones. Of course, they were invented when gold was ~$35.00 USD per ounce. These days, most people would just pack up the gold and let the Cybermen rape, maim and kill whoever was left behind. Glen Larson would later rip these chrome toasters off for the original Cylons on Battlestar Ponderosa. Why the BBC never sued his Mormon ass to poverty still begs explanation. Also, another shitty sci-fi show, Star Trek managed to rip off the Cybermen in a new innovative form: The borg. Star Trek fans still to this day will kill themselves if you make the comparison.

[edit] The Cybermon

[edit] Rani Who

Rani Who explained what happens when a Time Lord goes through raging menopause. The fact that actress Kate O'Mara was going through "the Change" every time she played Rani Who probably explained why everyone hated the character. Either that, or she reminded them of their mom/wife.

[edit] WOTAN

WOTAN was to Dr. Who what every computer in Star Trek was to Captain Kirk - something to pull the plug on for the lulz. Notable for trying to conquer the world with the use of Hollerith Punch Cards. It should have waited for teh Internet.

[edit] Omega

Omega was one of the Klingons who gave Doctor Who and his people the TARDIS technology. For doing some thing *that* stupidly fucked, he was flushed down a black hole. Twice. He later was reincarnated as Dick Cheney.

[edit] Those Responsible For This Particular Act Of Atrocity

If there's ever a War Crimes Trial for those responsible for Doctor Who, there's several names that stand out to be brought to justice, whether dead or alive:

• John Nathan-Turner - Fat gay producer during the 1980s who, according the fans, killed the show. Died in 2002 from an overdose of bad Hawaiian shirts.

• Eric Saward: Fat, straight script editor whose fascination with violence and guns catapulted Doctor Who to Halo Live status. Left the production office when his proposed idea for "The Trial of Jasper Carrot", which would have seen Doctor Who and Valeyard Who trapped behind a time-vent door watching midget porn, was turned down in favour of a script involving death by Mega-Byte Modems. Currently contributes to DW DVDs where he restrains himself non-stop from fleeing to JNT's grave and desecrating it physically, not just metaphoricly.

• Pip and Jane Baker: Whilst fans claim there is no relation between these writers and Colin Baker, the fact all three contributed unfathomable amounts of drivel to the series ties their name together in true symbolism. Their biggest contributions were creating Kate O'Mara's tits, and having Doctor Who gas a whole race (in "Terror of the Vervoids")

• Russell T. Davies - Fat gay producer for the new series who brought the show back specifically to butthurt the show's fanbase (all five of them). Now he's working on some kind of X-Files in Space Cardiff thing and boning John Barrowman. Still, his sole credit is he created "Dark Season", which featured a Nazi Gaz Top in shades and a leather jacket. Smooth.

• Ian Levine - Fat gay fanboy. Got famous for being JNT's cocksucker during the 80s, finding missing episodes, and making a shit charity record for when the show was on hiatus. A charity record. FOR A TV SHOW. Russell T. Davies created the Absorbaloff monster solely to mock him.

• Chris Chinball - In 1986, Chinball became one of the first Whovians to attempt vandalism on JNT and blank out his contributions on live telvision, calling them "repetitive" and "less challenging". In 2006, he himself would be butthurt by irony when he became head writer of [Torchwood and wrote the most reviled episodes of the series. His first monster for Doctor Who's third season in 2007 turned out to be The Shockmaster.

• Verity Lambert OBE - Founding producer of Doctor Who. She's the one who sold the show to the BBC in the first place. She paid the price in 2007 by becoming an hero to cancer.

[edit] Some Classic IRL drama

In 1987, Doctor Who fans in Chicago were pwned by a video pirate during a Public Television broadcast of the serial "Horror of Fang Rock". This classic pre-internets drama was fortunately recorded and is now available for your viewing pleasure:

The Incident DELETED DUE TO TERMS OF SERVICE

The news broadcast, including one oversensitive fan who wanted to "Bust his set in"

[edit] External Links

Crap based on the show made by the losers from Glitter's Cap-Page Board